When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen.
In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings.
When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"
Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president.
Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"
You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.
So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.
One of the most memorable gift I have ever received is a diary. One of my oldest closest friends, who's known me since we were 13 years old, gave it to me right after my honeymoon. She wrote the diary in 1999. It wasn't a thick book, but the entries reminded me of the year, my most rebellious year (read: the year I made so many mistakes in life, but it was also the year when I learnt A LOT). She wrote the diary 'coz she had known that one of my dreams was to travel and to live abroad, and I guess that year she thought that I was getting closer and closer to my dream. It's just SO touching that she believed in my dream even then. Plus it was SO thoughtful of her to have written down the entries just so that I'd remember the things we did back then. She even attached a movie theatre ticket there and wrote down what we did that day. ;-D
I couldn't help my tears from rolling down my cheeks as I read her diary entries. She wrote about things she admired from me and how she appreciated our friendship. She even attached an old pic of herself there to remind me of how she looked like when we first met in Junior High School he he he he he...
Along with the diary, she also gave me a Friendship Book (complete with WONDERFUL friendship quotations). She also wrote a letter on the last page of the book that really touched me deeply. She was the one that managed to teach me the joy of giving and sharing. I'm so proud of her, especially 'coz she's had a good personal relationship with God during the past few years. She's been there during my ups and downs and she was the one that tried to get me closer to God when I was far far away from Him.
One of the things I admire most from her is that she is not the type of Christian that keeps on preaching others without walking the walk. She teaches me about Christianity because she walks the walk. I'll always cherish my friendship with her. Even from the beginning of our friendship, I knew already that she'd be one of those people I can be good friends with for as long as we both shall live.
She's almost 8 months' pregnant right now and I can't wait to see her baby he he he...I hope she'll have a smooth delivery and everything'll be fine with her. She had contractions already ever since the fetus was 6 months' old, so she's stopped working now.
So...let's reminisce...what is one of the most memorable gifts you've ever received?
Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
- C.S. Lewis. ---> clickable link of the site where I found it.
If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning. - C.S. Lewis.
Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.- C.S. Lewis. Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself. – The Problem of Pain- C.S. Lewis.
“You will never know how much you believe something until it is a matter of life and death.” “If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad.” – God in the Dock, page 52.
- C.S. Lewis.
I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. – Mere Christianity, pages 40-41.
- C.S. Lewis.I would LOVE to read his book: Four Loves. This is the excerpt of what one reviewer said about that particular book:One basic principle of Lewis's work is the distinction between Need-love and Gift-love. The Need-love has to do, for Lewis, with "a craving to be loved," which is akin to a child's longing for the love of his parents'. Instead of disparaging this type of love as wholely selfish, Lewis describes how this type of love, while limited, is "the accurate reflection in consciousness of our actual nature." Lewis writes that "we need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves." Lewis acknowledges the human condition sympathetically. Gift-love, by contrast, has its ultimate expression in Christ's death on the cross. This is an active, selfless love. Lewis characterizes Gift-love in its ordinary expression as "that love which moves a man to work and plan and save for the future well-being of his family which he will die without sharing or seeing." - vabrookreader "Jeff Hotz"
I stumbled upon this page and it made me nod and nod and nod and nod so I just want to share it. It's written by a Christian author. I'm warning you now just in case you're one of those people who don't want to read Biblical references and stuff like that.
It has something to do with this verse:
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear…
1 John 4:18 KJVHere's the page: The Answer Is Love.
