Get Over vs Get Through

The other day I found this brilliant quote that I think sums up what I believe in terms of my infertility journey (don't know who wrote the words):

"You won't get over this, but you will get through it."

The phrase "getting over" makes me feel like one needs to put an end to something. Close the book and forget about it already, why bring it up over and over again? I can't believe you're still writing the book and talking/wondering about the details after all this time.

I've never had anyone tell me per se to get over infertility, but I have felt some people getting uneasy about the fact that I keep sharing/talking about infertility-related issues. Probably because it makes them feel awkward and helpless, not necessarily because they don't want to listen to me. 

Just like what Jean Vanier wrote: "As we approach people in pain, they reveal to us our pain and brokenness." - A Rebel for Peace, page 134-135 

I have read several cases where the infertile was told harshly to "get over it" by some people/friends and I know how much it hurt (it would have hurt me greatly if someone had told me such a thing, especially when I was still in so much pain and confusion inside). Being invited to enter a place of pain isn't an easy thing to do - both for the one sending the invitation and the invited guest. Remember The Ring Theory when you're invited to enter someone's place of pain.

I still think it may be possible to get over infertility (specifically childless-not-by-choice) for some rare individuals. I've read several people who wrote that their infertility didn't have any impact on them (or not anymore at the very least). OK, granted I have no idea if they were telling the truth or not because they were just comments I read online below some infertility articles/blog posts, but I'd rather be open to that possibility considering the fact that I've read a similar message more than twice. 

Out of curiosity, I checked out the meanings of "getting through" in an online dictionary and here are two descriptions that I think are suitable for my own journey:

1. Become clear or enter one's consciousness or emotions/to make someone (i.e. myself) understand something.

I have gained much more clarity about myself and I've learnt more about others as well during my infertility journey because I've had to face those jumbled feelings and thoughts and figure out which is which. I've had to stand naked in front of myself and God as well and learn that we're all connected and that we're only humans. I've had to cling to a very thin thread of faith even when my whole being is in a confused and angry state and I've been granted peace beyond understanding as a result of many people's prayers for me.

2. Succeed in reaching a real or abstract destination after overcoming problems. 

The abstract destination is to find meanings to my infertility journey, to feel some serenity in chaos - even if it means we'll never have children. I've found several meanings to my infertility journey so far.

In the beginning of my healing journey, I was frustrated and I was wondering when I could see the end of this healing journey, when I'll get over it. But that has changed. It's been a long while since I've stopped thinking about when I'll get over infertility, because I have consciously chosen not to get over it. Why should I get over it? Infertility has shaped me in many unexpected ways and it has taught me many important lessons and I don't want to forget that I'm an infertile. Besides, I think my infertility journey is beneficial for others, too. And this way I can focus more on the lessons I can/need to learn as I continue my healing journey without the additional burden of having to reach a specific end.

Pain Triggers

*cross-posted with my other blog - edited for this blog*

A wise blogger friend of mine gently reminded me that everybody has pain triggers while we were talking about some things via email. This topic brought me back to the conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house (don't remember when I moved there - must've been when I was around 15 or so). Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School - when I was around 17).

Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom and I never really felt that it was anything too special, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.

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So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have).

I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.

To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life (additional side note: actually maybe at first I felt the stranger was bringing a curse or a punishment for us). After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).

Anyway, let me end this post with some quotes.

Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you.

- Mother Teresa, A Gift for God

Adversity introduces one to oneself. - Unknown

"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me."

- Robert Browning Hamilton

Quotes taken from here and here

Squirrels Video Clips + Stung by Bug

On Saturday my MIL told me that one squirrel dared to come inside the house a few days before to get some food. Since it has been hot lately, their front doors were left open. It seems that the squirrel lives in their shed. After some time, that Saturday the squirrel made its appearance, so my MIL quickly got some bread to feed it.

We came inside the shed to give it some food. MIL said that the squirrel looked different (smaller) from the one who came inside the house the other day, so we were sure there were two of them there HE HE HE...

Here's the video clip of the smaller squirrel. I made several video shots and combined them into one. What my MIL said in the video clip was basically something like, "Come here, little furball...here's some food for you...come here and don't be afraid...hereeeee..."



At first it was hesitant and it was running in circles and wouldn't grab the bread, but in the end it did take it. Some time afterward, the other squirrel came out.

Here's the video clip of the other squirrel. In this clip, it was just munching on the bread he he...



I got the surprise of my life when I peeked inside my MIL's greenhouse. Here is the pic of the cucumber two Saturdays ago:



And here are two pics of the cucumber plant last Saturday (these are two different cucumbers, the first one is bigger than the second one):




Anyway, on Saturday I was also stung by a bug. At first it was like a mosquito bite but it gradually grew larger and larger and redder and it went swollen. The diameter is around 15 cm on my right calf. It started becoming painful at times and also if the area bumped into something (also if I slapped on the area). Last night it also started becoming SO itchy that I was awaken by the itch, though the swelling has subsided a bit. So I didn't go to work today. Went to the health centre and then I bought some medication and salve. They said that if it worsen in a few days, I should come back. Oh well...tomorrow I'm going back to work, though. Hope the pain and the itch have subsided even more by then.

I'll blog-hop during the weekend, okay? Take care, people!

The V Word

Warning: MATURE CONTENT!!!

Still want to go on?

YOU ARE WARNED!!!!!!!

Okay...here we go then...

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Two nights ago I watched a show on TV about women who seek professional help in terms of their sexual life. They visit a well-known masturbation coach in America.

Anyway, one woman who comes from the UK hasn't made love to her husband for 10 years to due pain. She's gone to MANY MANY doctors who say that the pain is all in her mind. So as a last resort, she comes to this coach. The coach talks to her and then she finds out that she can't complete the session due to PAIN, PAIN, PAIN. A simple touch makes her grit her teeth in pain. The coach asks her if that happens whenever she makes love and she says yes. Mind you that she's got a teenage daughter already! Anyway, the coach then asks what happens then during making love. She says that she always has to endure the pain by grabbing a pillow or stifle her screams.

Uggghhhh...the coach says, "No wonder you're abstain from sex for 10 years!" Then she finds an explanation from a book about vulvodynia. Just click on the link to read what it is about.

What shocked me was that they find out that one out of TEN women in the UK suffer from this condition one time or another. It doesn't matter whether you've given birth or not, it can happen to you.

Anyway, the woman goes back to the UK and she and her husband are RELIEVED that now they know what is actually going on. For years and years she thought that she had made it up, especially since many doctors said that it was all in her head. Now that they know what it is, they can take steps to try to deal with the problem.

While browsing through the net, I found many stories about vulvodynia. Here is one of them:

Voices from The Body Chronic

I don't know if this book helps or not, but I also found this book:

The Vulvodynia Survival Guide

Well, I hope none of you readers is affected by this condition, but the reason why I decided to share this is because IF any one of you who happens to read this actually experiences this condition, then she'll know that she's not alone and that she's not "hallucinating".

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