*cross-posted with my other blog - edited for this blog*
A wise blogger friend of mine gently reminded me that everybody has pain triggers while we were talking about some things via email. This topic brought me back to the conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house (don't remember when I moved there - must've been when I was around 15 or so). Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School - when I was around 17).
Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom and I never really felt that it was anything too special, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.
So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have).
I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.
To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life (additional side note: actually maybe at first I felt the stranger was bringing a curse or a punishment for us). After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).
Anyway, let me end this post with some quotes.
Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you.
- Mother Teresa, A Gift for God
Adversity introduces one to oneself. - Unknown
"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me."
- Robert Browning Hamilton
Quotes taken from here and here
Note: This post is NOT about MY own personal experiences, though there are some of them that also popped out in my head sometimes...these are some imagined ones and some I've read or heard somewhere...just to make sure you don't get the wrong idea. I have NO problem with my in-laws at all and we don't live in the same house. I simply wanted to write this topic in a different way. That's all. 
"Well, my fear is that I will end up like my parents who always argue and fight with each other. It's as though they don't realize that they're old now and they only have a little time left on earth. I'm afraid that my husband and I will be like that when we're older."
"My secret fear is that my husband's dark past will come to haunt us in the future. He was starving for love when he was a child and he found it in the wrong place."
"I'm terrified that my spouse will change in the future and become irritable and quick-tempered. Our relationship will be in BIG trouble if that happens."
"I hope that my husband won't die young. I know if it happens I will have to survive and move on, but my life is going to be so empty without him. Everything will be so different. After all, he's been my best friend for years."
"I also have that fear about my husband, especially since he's MUCH older than me."
"I don't want my husband to ever have an affair with anyone. I know a friend whose husband asks her to do a C-section to keep herself 'intact', but he still pays women to sleep with him. In order to eliminate my fear, I have to learn to be slutty when I'm alone with him."
"Honestly speaking, I'm afraid of my mother-in-law. She keeps on criticizing me and my decisions. This has come to a point where we stop talking to each other. This is not good since we live in the same house, but what else can I do? It's the 'best' way to avoid my self-esteem from being crushed by her."
..........
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. (James 1:2-6)
I have 6 closest friends whom I consider to be those people I "grew up with", since we went through teenage years together. Those years when we experimented and when we tried to find ourselves and our places in life. Those years when we rebelled and built our self-confidence. I've been friends with them for about 15 years (the oldest ones) up to around 10 years (the newest ones). One of their husbands said that he was amazed that we still kept in touch up to now as he hadn't kept in touch with any friends from Junior High School or High School. An Aussie friend of mine who once visited me in Bandung said that we were an interesting bunch as we were SO totally different with one another. Yep, interesting indeed!!!
Up to university, I think we could still understand one another pretty well. I mean, what else could there be to talk about in our lives back then? We were still university students. We only had to deal with exams, courses, exams, and nothing else (back then most of us had no boyfriends yet). We still headed towards a similar direction: graduation and then workplace. Once we started having full-time jobs and then we started having boyfriends and then husbands, everything shifted bit by bit. I began to feel that it got harder and harder to TRULY understand one another since we had less and less time to talk (some of them moved to different cities/countries).
One of them recently asked me why I seemed to be SO burdened to understand them fully. Well, I guess it's just who I am. I crave to understand people fully (sometimes I think I want to understand them better than they understand themselves - it makes me giddy with excitement - but maybe this is one of my craziest sides) and I crave to be understood. However, I've tried to lower my expectations ever since I realize that they're no longer able to spend that much time and energy to understand me fully. But I still have the silent wish to be able to understand them better and better. I think one reason is that I want to know what to say to them. I want to know how I can support them best. I want to know that when I respond to them, I'm not going to pick the wrong words. I know how futile my effort is, though. Saying or doing the wrong thing is inevitable. But one can hope, can't one? ;-D
Anyway, nowadays I feel that we're going to TOTALLY different directions. It makes me slightly more careful in responding to their emails. I have to think twice about what to say to them as I don't want them to think that I'm undermining their situation or patronizing them or being offensive or judgmental. Different priorities force me to stop to think and try to put myself in their shoes before blurting out something that might hurt or offend them. For example: if a friend of yours thinks that a "book" is SO important and then he/she tells you about it in detail and it seems the "book" dominates his/her world so much, but you think it's full of crap, you wouldn't say to to his/her face, would you? Naturally you would want to support your friend, even though it's not easy to find the balance between being true to yourself and being honest to other people versus being an understanding, loving, caring, supportive person.
I guess this is just what life is. It gets harder to understand and support other people when they're going to the opposite directions. It gets harder to support other people's choices when they're so opposite yours. It takes self-control to shut up when you know that what you think is best for them might not be viewed as such by them.
Again I hope God will grant me enough discernment to know when to speak and to be silent. I hope God will grant me enough wisdom to know the balance in life in everything I do, day by day, one step at a time.
Written on April 4, 2007 - I decided to put this also in this site as it may struck a chord with someone out there who's experiencing a similar situation.
If you think I'm going to talk about real babies, then stop reading this blog immediately 'coz I'm gonna talk about figurative baby steps. I've been here for 3 weeks and so far I'm still trying to learn VERY SLOWLY. It feels a bit as though I were reborn again. Different country, weather, customs, language, EVERYTHING! It's scary to think that if my hubby's gone (for any kind of reason) now or soon, I'll basically be drowned in "deep shit". After being a somewhat independent woman back in Indo for years, the feeling of being dependent on my hubby for MANY things is not a much-welcomed one. I know it can't be helped, yet I'm still trying to learn to get used to it.Other than that, I have to learn to embrace my weaknesses. There have been SO many STUPID mistakes that I made in the past 3 weeks (correction: in JUST 3 weeks!). Gladly my hubby's always been understanding enough. However, that doesn't change the way I feel about myself. I try not to succumb to my extreme "dark" ends, 'coz I know I have to cut myself some slack (otherwise I'm DOOMED!). Let me tell you, feeling like a small child (and a stupid one, too, 'coz I'm not really a child), can be numbing. I DO NOT want to be numb. I DO NOT want to be bitter. I DO NOT want to compare myself to others, especially NOW that I have nothing to be proud of. (side note: Well, in most cases, I shouldn't compare myself with anyone anyway, as it can be "lethal")What makes you feel proud of yourself? Your family? Wealth? House? Achievements? Kids? It seems that all our lives we're driven to achieve, achieve, and achieve in order to feel worthy. Well, right now I have nothing much to be proud of myself, but I WILL NOT let it get in the way of preserving my own self-worth. I am worthy simply because I was born into this world. I am worthy simply because I am alive (and still entrusted with the gift of life). I have to keep repeating those sentences in my head every day to keep me sane. I've also been listening to gospel songs to refresh my spirit and be strengthened (Thank GOD for ADSL connection!!!).I'm writing this blog with the hope that if someone out there is experiencing a similar situation, he or she knows that he or she is not alone. I haven't really had a bad day, actually. It's just that maybe I'm a bit of a control freak. I dislike situations where I'm helpless. However, I'm trying to learn to enjoy every bit of it. Sure there may be tears (of frustration or condemnation), yet I'll keep in mind God's whisper of hope for me to keep me going strong. Baby steps...right now I can only do baby steps. I hope God'll give both of us patience, understanding, and wisdom as I start walking with baby steps and hopefully gain more confidence as time goes by. I should learn to see this world again from a child's point of view...with wonder and curiosity and zest to learn more and more and more things. Now let me just send this prayer to heaven...God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change...COURAGE to change the things I can...And WISDOM to know the difference...
