Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Meltdown

Due to the nature of this post, I'm not allowing any reader comments. I just wish to share what I felt the other day, because this is my blog and the nature of this blog is like a kind of diary and I just want to be honest with myself - because life is not just all roses and sunshine, but it can also be stormy and cold.

It all started with a little chat with a friend of mine who also suffered from IF (infertility). She has never got a regular period her entire life (sometimes she got a period only every three months and the menstrual blood was never really much). She went on a hormone therapy, got pregnant once, but sadly experienced miscarriage early on. During the chat, she told me that she was finally pregnant again. She said she didn't have her period for FIVE months, so she wanted to go to the gyno to ask him to initiate her period - but as usual the procedure was that she had to do a pregnancy home test in order to make sure she wasn't pregnant. So she did and she found out she was pregnant. WHAT A MIRACLE!!! I congratulated her right away and we continued chatting for a while.

My meltdown happened after the chat. It started slowly but surely...Again I had those nagging questions, "God, when's my turn? Where did we go wrong? Do You deem us unready to be parents?" The questions didn't stop there...they went on and on and on...and they drove me mad...

I KNOW that if God thinks that it's not the right time, then it's not the right time. After all, God says in the Bible that His plans are not my plans and that His timing is the best of all. My logic knows it all, but my heart still felt the kind of sadness that turn into this whirlwind of emotion. I didn't even know I was still so into this "baby making program" until I heard my friend's miraculous pregnancy. That shocked me to the core. I thought I was "taking it easy".

What did I feel? I felt like doing nothing. I felt sad, hurt, helpless. I wanted to just curl myself into a little ball and do nothing. I didn't want to think of anything, yet my thoughts ran wild. I wanted to share this meltdown to my closest friends, but I was afraid that if I did so, they would be wondering how to tell me their good news when they do get pregnant (or when they do get pregnant again). I wanted to share my feelings with hubby, but I was scared that it would make him sad and in turn it would make me sadder, too. So I felt sort of "lonely" in my sorrow.

Other parts of the "dark void of sorrow" that surrounded me also jarred my senses. I was hurting so much that it slipped into my mind the idea of hurting myself physically to move the pain away from my heart. That split second that idea came to my mind, I understood why some people did hurt themselves physically. Mind you that I didn't hurt myself physically, though - but that thought made me realize that I had never gone to that extreme before (never experienced that kind of pain in my heart before). I also felt that it would be nice if death took me away 'coz then I wouldn't have to live with this "hope of becoming a mother" and all the emotional baggage that comes with it if I still haven't gotten pregnant yet.

As you can see, I'm still fully alive. I didn't hurt myself nor try to kill myself, but I did scream out to God silently and pray, "God, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...if You're not going to let us have our own kids, just take away our wish to be parents. I'm begging You." Tears ran down my cheeks no matter what I tried to do to distract myself. That day was one of the toughest days in my life.

After calming down a bit, I went to an online infertility forum to share my feelings and thoughts and everybody there knew EXACTLY what I meant. They all supported me and they all said how IF can make people think of crazy thoughts. They all know that dealing with IF means that there are good days and there are bad days - there are times when you think everything is fine, there are times when IF can make you experience the kind of meltdown that I was having even when I thought I was doing okay.

What next? I still cried on and off that day and I felt so lonely in my sorrow still that I finally decided to tell hubby. At first I couldn't tell him. I just cried on his shoulder, in his arms. Poor hubby must've been SO confused. I could barely speak 'coz I was trying to control my sobbing. After a while I left his arms to wipe my face and to try to calm down. In between my sobbing, hubby asked me what had happened, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I was scared that the sobbing would shake my entire body to the point that I would not be able to speak at all. That was why I tried to move away to calm myself down a bit.

I sat on the sofa, cried again, then I sat in front of the TV and stared at it (I didn't watch it, it was just a means to distract myself for a while) and after I had stopped crying, I came back to hubby's arms. We held each other tightly and then after a little while he asked me again what had happened. That started another flood of tears...but I finally explained what made me cry. In his usual calm way, he comforted me. He understood my feelings. That was more than enough. He kept on holding me tightly in his arms. Half of my sorrow vanished and I felt safe in his arms.

I don't know how long this IF journey would last for us and whether it will end the way we want it to end. I have heard some couples who have dealt with IF and are given the gift of miraculous pregnancy (pregnancies). I also know at least a couple who dealt with IF and then decided not to pursue any treatments nor adoption and they live happily. I just want to write this down now so that in the years to come maybe I can look back on this moment and at least have a better understanding on the questions I asked in this post. And maybe for someone who is dealing with IF who reads this post, that person will know that he/she is NOT crazy. It DOES help to know that you're not the only one who experiences this kind of meltdown.

Right now I'm feeling fine. That's why I can finally write this post down. I didn't want to write this post while I was still feeling so sore inside. For all of you who read this post, if you wonder what I want to hear from you about this struggle of ours, then my answer would be: "I'll pray for you" or "Sending you warm thoughts, wishing you all the best". No other words can help, especially when one is feeling so much pain. Not even logical explanations help when your heart is bleeding so much.

However, because I have chosen not to accept any comments in this post, suffice it to say that I THANK every one of you for your prayers and warmest thoughts. No need for any written words. Just being able to publish this post is enough for me. I'm sending all the negative feelings and thoughts I had to the universe and leaving them that my cup runneth over again with positive, warm thoughts and feelings.