A Touch of Love

You know one of those days when you feel like you're not performing that well at work, but then out of the blue someone gives you a positive feedback? I had one of those days a while ago. I was feeling hormonal and grumpy inside. In short I wasn't the most patient worker that day. At the end of my shift, I was chatting up with a customer when another regular one came over and gave me one positive feedback after another in front of the other customer and the other customer kept on agreeing. At first I could say thank you in a clear voice, but after a while I couldn't hold back my tears and couldn't even say thank you properly. Thankfully I had tissue ready in my pocket, so I could dab my eyes with it.

The customers were tactful enough to change the topic when they noticed that I was getting teary-eyed and was struggling to speak. All the way home I had a hard time keeping my tears from falling down. The moment I arrived home, I was practically sobbing. I was so touched by that customer's words and was grateful for the mental boost. The encounter made me realize that deep inside, even though I knew I wasn't performing that well that day, those unexpected words were exactly what I needed to hear. Even now as I'm typing these words, I start crying again.

It's amazing what a touch of loving kindness can do to another human being. All I can do is try to give my best, learn from my mistakes, and pay it forward.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! 💟💟💟

I'll end this post with this beautiful song..."When Love Takes You In" by Steven Curtis Chapman.

3BT: Random Days

1. Went aurora chasing two days after the previous post's big aurora, but that time the aurora wasn't as strong, so I couldn't capture the photos too well even though I had my camera and small tripod with me. However, I did manage to see reddish colour and I could see the progression of when the aurora started dancing right above the horizon before it moved further up to above my head. Here's a collage of the not-so-good photos (but at least you can see the crazy shapes the aurora can make).

2. Hubby managed to take a day off, so we went for a weekend trip to Levi and had a relaxing time there.

3. I've booked a massage for preparation to go back to work. Work is going to be super hectic during the first two weeks of the store being re-opened after the renovation, so I feel that I need a fit body for that.

4. I'm planning to send my mom to Finland next year for a visit and this thought is really exciting for me. The only thing we both need to secure first is a permission from our bosses to have the holiday at the same time as my mom's visit he he he...since she can't handle the cold, it has to be in summer.

5. Finding ginger candies at a supermarket in Levi. They're exactly like the ones I like from Indo, so even though they're expensive, I bought two packs of them HA HA HA HA...

P.S. Here's another one of the aurora photos taken with my camera (I don't have any wide lens, so can only capture bits and pieces).

 

Microblog: Drops of Love

Sometimes love is looking at someone's eyes - a deep and searching gaze - to make sure that the other person is okay. No words necessary. Just a loving, thoughtful gaze that lets you know that the other person cares about you that much. Drops of precious love pouring over you in those extra seconds, quenching your parched heart. And all you can say is: "Thank you, thank you, thank you."


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Journey to the Centre of Myself

* I started writing this months ago as a response to a writing challenge, but I'd like to share it with you people here, though I'll try to make it more succinct. 

I think one of the things that most people have trouble with when it comes to a childless-not-by-choice life led by a married couple is this: that they can go from being completely obsessed with wanting to have a child into believing that their family is complete without children. I find that most people in the immediate or extended circle of the couple themselves have a hard time letting go of their ideal image of a family of three or four (or even bigger than that) for those said couples. I remember telling a neighbor once that we were okay just the two of us, but she was absolutely horrified by that and she automatically insisted on praying for us to have children.

Nowadays I can see clearly that their reactions are based on their idealized version of what a family is supposed to be like. This is mingled with the lurking fear that our little family is one of their worst nightmares and they probably shudder and wonder how anyone can lead a happy and fulfilling life without children. However, back in my darker days of infertility journey, I felt really hurt by their reaction because of my own grief/pain. I felt that my family wasn’t complete and that we were missing something, that our family was defective. Their reaction served as a mirror that projected their fear and my own fears right in front of me, making me feel broken and less than ideal.

What helped me start my healing journey was searching for other people like me. I read as many blogs as possible that I could find on infertility, searched for any Christian materials on infertility, searched for as many quotes on grief, read as many articles on infertility, bought some books on infertility and grief in general, searched for Christian songs that could strengthen me, prayed The Serenity Prayer, and asked my friends to pray the same prayer for me, joined a forum, and finally started a blog about it. Some of the books that have helped me along the way are Silent Sorority by Pamela Tsigdinos, A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, and Secondhand Jesus by Glenn Packiam.

Ironically enough, at that time I couldn’t find too many Christian articles that ended without children in the end (either through natural pregnancy, IVF, adoption, etc.), though I did find a few Christian resources online that also broached on the topic of life without children after infertility. One of the Christian resources I found gave the readers a list of questions to ask, including why one wants to have children. That was the only time I found an online resource that encouraged the readers to think carefully on why they wanted to procreate. Unfortunately I didn’t bookmark the page and I haven’t been able to find it again, but it really threw me off balance and I did ponder on my own motivations to have children. 


I think one of the things that have helped me in thinking of leading a fulfilling life without children is the fact that I have a cousin who did try to have children with her husband, but couldn’t. She’s much older than me and I’ve always accepted them as a family of two. I have never seen them as “less than” any other people, though what happened during my infertility journey was that I struggled with the feeling of “less than” a woman because I wasn’t a mother. Many times over during my infertility journey I cringed and despised any quotes that celebrated a woman’s worth as a mother and the strong bond between a mother and her child(ren). Those quotes were too much for my bleeding heart because they reminded me of what I didn’t have. These days my wounds have stopped bleeding and they’re dried up. However, I know from reading other women’s journeys, those who are way ahead of me, that the scars will get bumped every now and then. They won’t be as painful anymore, but there will be some feelings left because after all, we are surrounded by a lot of reminders of our losses (pregnant women, mothers, children, and grandmothers).

A few years back, after deciding on surrendering to life without children, I felt the need to find something "grand/noble" to fill my life as a result of not having children. I think this stemmed from the fact that many people would automatically say, "You can always adopt" whenever we said we couldn't have children and I have read many people who accused infertiles of being selfish for trying out treatments "when there are so many abandoned children out there". As if one needs to be like Mother Teresa if one wants to have children but can't. So I definitely felt the societal pressure to find something big to do with my life when the baby thing didn't work out, but I never really started searching.

The first things I did in order to move on were:

1. Finding small things that bring me joy and doing things that bring me joy.
2. Tapping into my inner child (in my case I try to build different kinds of snow creations in winter, taking photos, etc.).
3. Writing down the things I've been learning during my infertility journey and re-branding infertility as a guru instead of an enemy and truly believing it.

Only after doing the above and after getting farther away from the rows and rows of buried dreams (after doing grief work for a longer time) did I start getting clues on what I wanted to do. It's not about finding big, grand dreams, but for me it's more about being more focused on what kind of woman I want to become now that I know I won't be a mother.


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I owe Michelle Frost a HUGE thank you for saying these words when I was struggling with what kind of legacy I could leave on earth (because I have no children as my legacy). She said, "Amel, YOU are your own legacy." The words knocked me off my chair. I was wondering why on earth did I ever try to separate myself into different parts/roles. But the truth is that I am the sum of my parts and my legacy to the world should be the entirety of myself, the whole of me, everything that makes me who I am. Her words were like soothing balm to my soul at that time. THANK YOU for knocking me off my chair, M! :-D One's pain can truly blind one so much to one's full potentials.

I find it crucial to believe with all my heart and soul that my pain experience isn't for nothing when it comes to continuing my healing journey. Your pain is not for nothing, either. We are interconnected. Imagine the wealth of wisdom we get to learn from one another's pain experiences. So much fertilizer material everywhere...what has your pain experience taught you? 

Along my healing journey now, I’ve met many inspirational blogger friends as well as other women in Google Plus forums. They’re all childless-not-by-choice, each with a different background story. All these women have helped me dig into my creative side and find fulfillment in my life. I have learnt a lot from them and they have also helped me grow as a human being. I think this healing journey can be very tricky and the progress can be so subtle that unless you realize the tiny shifts, you may feel like you’re not moving forward at all. Writing has helped me a lot in terms of recognizing and recording these tiny celebratory moments.

Speaking of celebrations, last year I started realizing the fact that I needed people who could celebrate these tiny moments. Because of this childless status, it becomes even clearer to me that I’m missing out on so many celebrations that a child can bring: the first word, the first step, the first tooth, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduation, prom night, the child’s wedding party, the birth of the grandchild, etc. More than ever now I feel the need to celebrate the important moments in my life, especially in my healing journey. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have found other women who can celebrate these moments with me. And my healing journey shall continue! :-)



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3BT: Random Days

1. I bought a new blanket, but it was way too big and puffy to bring with me by bike, so I called hubby to take it with him in the car. Tried calling his mobile, but didn't pick up, so I ended up having to call his work phone. When he picked up, I immediately asked in English, "Hey, are you at the office?"

A second of hesitation later, he replied in English, "No."

Then I started explaining what I had done and I knew that he was at the office because I could see his car outside (the shop was near his office) and then he finally realized it was me.

Then I asked, "Why on earth did you say no at first?"

He replied, "I didn't recognize your voice at first, so I was confused." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...obviously he didn't have my number on his work phone, so he didn't know who it was and then I started babbling in English ha ha ha ha ha...funny!

2. When he got out of the office, my first thought was, "Damn, he's HOT!!!!"

It feels nice to feel this way still about him he he he...He's always SO patient with me, so I'm thankful for that.

3. Seeing two squirrels at the yard, right under the bird feeder. So cute!


4. Tomorrow is a holiday, so the store is closed and tonight I'll have a pre-Christmas party with my coworkers. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!

5. Finding cheap offers on meat and fish. They're now safely in the freezer for future use.

6. Frost. Beautiful glittery thin layer of frost everywhere. They're sparkly in the sun and under the street light.



7. Finally getting the hang of a new type of friendship that has evolved from an old type of friendship. It feels nice to be able to let go and finally adjust my expectations.

8. Ordering an early birthday present for myself (1 of the books in my wishlist) because Bookdepository gave me a 5% discount that would expire this weekend. Can't waiiiiiittttt!!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

9. Almost forgot that Monday is our 8th wedding anniversary (FB reminded me of that LOL!!!). I just want to say I'm thankful that we've been given these years to spend together and I hope we will have many more to come. I still believe he's the one for me and he's becoming even more dear to me as time goes by.

10. Been trying to lose some weight by eating a plateful of salad at least 5 times a week. It's amazing how light my body feels after trying out this practice (haven't really weighed myself yet because I've just started sometime last week, but my body feels different than eating meat all the time). 


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Approaching Mother's Day in Finland

I've written a tribute for a group of women like me, the ones that wanted to be mothers but for some reason couldn't and have now walked on the path of healing from childlessness after infertility. 

Here's my tribute...you are not alone! I'm sending you lots of virtual HUGS through this letter (click to see a bigger resolution):

In this post I'd also like to address a certain misconception concerning childlessness after infertility. You see, even though we've moved on from TTC (trying to conceive) to life without children and we've enjoyed life as a family of two, that doesn't mean that the impact of infertility is gone altogether. Childlessness after infertility is a permanent state, not a temporary situation. It's a lifelong situation which also affects us even further away in our future. It doesn't stop at just the dream of being a mother. It's much much more than that. Childlessness after infertility is about rows and rows of buried dreams: dream of conceiving, feeling the child growing inside you, giving birth, breastfeeding, turning your husband into a father and your parents and in-laws into grandparents, the possibility of becoming a grandmother, the chance to have your own flesh-and-blood, the chance to be a major impact on someone's life that is your own flesh-and-blood, etc. 

I've read so many stories about how in the future when a friend's child gets married, a woman like me is reminded of her own loss and she needs to grieve all over again. It doesn't hurt as much anymore, but the pang is there. The grief doesn't stop just at the motherhood dream after your peers have stopped multiplying. The grief keeps on coming like waves, though the frequency and the power has lessened over time, but the only way to handle grief is to grieve. So don't wonder why even in the future we still need to grieve our losses over and over again.

Childlessness after infertility is like losing a real person that you love and miss so much, but the difference is that you have no sweet memories to hold on to that can comfort you, so with so many reminders all around you: pregnancy announcements, baby bumps, your friends' babies, baby showers, Mother's Day, Father's Day, your friends' children's graduation, your friends' children's engagement parties, etc. the only thing you can do is wonder what your child would be/look like if they were alive at that age and feel the built up longing you feel towards your own non existent child. And unlike losing a real person (or even a pet), many people don't even validate your grief because they think that your loss is not real (esp. in cases where one has never gotten pregnant). Again I must stress here that the pain we feel isn't as deep and agonizing like the way it was in the past, but we are humans with feelings and we still feel some pangs every now and then. 

However, I'd also love to add here that the impact of childlessness after infertility isn't all negative. Not at all. I have met so many wonderful and inspirational ladies in my journey that I wouldn't have met otherwise and I've definitely learnt so many more things about myself and so many lessons along the way. This is one of the lessons I've learnt among others: creating my own inner best friend. :-)

Anyway, if you're interested in reading about more misconception about people like us in our infertility journey as well as how much it can affect friendship, go here: 

Resolve To Know More About

I'd love to end this post by saying THANK YOU for all of you who have been sensitive and empathetic towards our journey. THANK YOU as well for all those people (mostly women) out there who have been very open with their infertility journey, because they help me make decisions in terms of our own infertility journey and be more realistic concerning my healing journey. THANK YOU for each one of you who are willing to open your heart and mind towards this world called infertility or childlessness after infertility.  

3BT: Random Days

1. Playing "Poker Face" game with hubby while playing cards with MIL (it wasn't planned, just made up right then and there). The point of the game is to keep a poker face while the other party makes faces to make you smile or laugh. Dang it was SO hard to keep a poker face that we ended up laughing like crazy over and over again. SO MUCH FUN!!! :-D

2. A grandma gave me a bar of chocolate at work. BLESS HER! And it wasn't even the first time for her to do that. :-) I shared the chocolate with hubby at home he he he...


3. We've booked the tickets to go to Indo via Singapore on our summer holiday, so we're spending some days in Singapore as well in between flying to my hometown and flying back to Finland. And we've also booked the hotels in Singapore YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!! :-D

4. I've contacted a few friends who live in Singapore and they've told me that they want to meet up, so I hope there's no hindrance for us to meet. EXCITING!!!!!!!! :-D

5. More feeling of freedom as I get less afraid of disappointing people when I feel that they have high expectations of me or when I feel that they expect something from me that I just can't give (something I just realized lately).


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6. The sidewalk is now clear of sand and gravel. That means I can ride my bike at full speed again WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

7. Having lovely and fun coworkers who treat me (the only expat in the group) like one of them. I hope we can work together for a LOOOONNNGGG time. :-D

8. Listening to this soothing and comforting song. Death is not the end. We will meet again in heaven...


9. Laughing so much at these photos ha ha ha ha...I'm trying to imagine the amount of time and effort it took to match the characters with the cats ha ha ha...As a cat lover and a fan of Game of Thrones, I think whoever it is has done a great job at it. :-D

 Game of Thrones: Cat Edition

A Love Letter To Myself

Found this video clip and thought I'd give it a try myself because it moved me so much.


Okay, here we go...deep breath...

Dear Amel,

You've come so far in your 35 years of living. You used to be a very shy and quiet girl with some dark, cynical, and pessimistic thoughts. You dragged around other people's faults like chains on your ankles, but you learnt to let go of them one by one when you realized that they were getting too heavy and they were threatening to drown you. I remember how your self-confidence grew tremendously during your university days and how rebellious you were at that time. You started getting to know yourself better during your university days and you started to learn how to be more positive, but the you at that time had no clue what life had to offer in the future. (chuckle)

Even though you had always dreamed of either traveling abroad or living abroad, you weren't actively searching for a foreign spouse, but you found one anyway. And my goodness, I must say that you have chosen the right person despite the fact that you were only with the guy for two weeks in real life prior to deciding to marry him. I know you were scared stiff on the plane to Finland after getting your residence permit via the Finnish Embassy in Indonesia, but I applaud you because you managed to drown out all those voices and just focus on whatever may come. 

For the past (almost) seven years of living in Finland and for the past five years of infertility journey, I've seen how much more you've grown and I just wanna say, "WELL DONE, girl!" I especially take my hat off to you for having learnt how to let go of different things and dreams over and over and over and over again. I also love the fact that you don't stop struggling with God and you were totally honest with Him even though you were so angry at Him at some parts of your infertility journey. I know we couldn't have grown like this without the support of all the thoughtful and positive people around us, so we owe them a lifetime of thanks, but still your attitude counts and I enjoy being with you more and more as time goes by and you know what? I'm looking forward to spending more days with you. *wide grin* I respect you, my friend! Here's to us!



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Lots of love and hugs,

Me

P.S. I promise to always try my damnest to be your best cheerleader and BFF. :-D  

35th Birthday

Today is my 35th birthday. When I woke up, I was greeted by the gorgeous pink sky outside as the sun was starting to rise (yeah, I woke up late because today was my free day LOL!!!). 


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Today I just want to be thankful for these things:

- For this breath that I still have. The gift of life. 

- My husband. When I was preparing to marry him, I thought that I was sure that he was the one for me. What I knew then deep down in my heart versus what I know now shows me that my choice was right - my faith in us back then was blind, but now I've seen the proofs and what I see is far more beautiful than what I could have known then. The longer I live with him, the surer I am that he is definitely the one for me and the more thankful I am to have him by my side. Just by being himself, he makes me feel like I'm the best version of myself. He helps me be the best version of myself. And it helps a lot to be accepted and loved just the way I am - even when I'm cranky, even when I make mistakes, even when I'm obsessed with some things, even when I'm having my PMS. 

Honey, marrying you is one of the BEST decisions ever in my entire life. Each day spent with you is a day full of fun, laughter, love, and tenderness. I just hope and pray that God will keep us hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart until death do us part - and I hope that He will give us plenty of time together still on earth because I want to grow old and I want to grow together with you. I cherish you and I still want you even after all these years.

- My parents. For letting me make my own mistakes, for trusting me to make my own decisions, for never nagging me to come visit, for never making me feel guilty for anything (either deliberately or not), for loving me without choking the life out of me, for letting me be my own person and letting me choose my own path.

- My mother-in-law. Thank you for accepting me into the family with such warmth and love, for teaching me things tenderly and patiently, for never criticizing me, for supporting me and for your constant appreciation. I couldn't have asked for a better mother-in-law.

- Friends - old ones, new ones, online friends. I'd especially like to thank my blogger friends and new online friends here. Even though most of us have never met, but you've supported me and showed me your love and compassion and I'm very thankful for that. And all the friends I've met either online or in real life have taught me so many things and inspired me in many different ways.

- My boss and coworkers. Thankful that I'm accepted in the team without being treated differently, that I still have a job despite the tough economy. 

- My kind customers. I've talked to some people about this and they all confirmed that there are so many nice and kind customers here in this village and I'm thankful for that. When I first started work, I made so many mistakes, but none of them said anything harsh to me. They reminded me of my mistakes tenderly and over time they've forgiven my other mistakes and they have also shown appreciation towards me and I'm forever grateful for that. 

- Infertility. Infertility has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have learned otherwise and it has also allowed me to meet so many lovely ladies that I wouldn't have met otherwise. I'm thankful for the many lessons and the gift of new friends that infertility brings. 


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OK, now I've finished the list, so it's time to enjoy my mud cake topped with berries. :-D 

7th Wedding Anniversary

Tomorrow is our 7th wedding anniversary. I'm thankful for all the years that we've had together and I hope to God we still have many more years and memories to come. Marrying Arttu is one of the BEST decisions that I've ever done in my entire life. Moving here and starting life all over again has been worth it. :-)

Because all the stores are closed today due to it being All Saints' Day, I went to the supermarket yesterday already to buy our anniversary cake. We went to MIL's place today and BIL and SIL came, as well, so we shared our cake with them ha ha...there's one song that's been echoing in my mind ever since I started thinking of our wedding anniversary. This is the song: 



OK, so Arttu doesn't take a shower that long (nor do I), but I do love the way he loves me he he he he he he he...One of the things that makes him different from many other guys is that he never gives me unsolicited advice and my life has been made easier because of that. Plus the fact that he's so easy to live with makes me adore him even more. And he's funny! :-D And he makes me feel that I'm funny. I love being able to be my wild, crazy, fun self in front of him and still feel that I'm loved. 

In honour of our anniversary, I tinkered with one of our wedding pictures. Here goes:

Today we also went to visit FIL's grave to light a few candles...here's the picture...Some of the candles had been put there by MIL.

Weekend Update

1. Hubby had a game night with his coworkers last night and I had an evening shift, so we couldn't meet, but he left me a lovely Post-It message. Not only that, he remembered to send me a good night SMS in between partying with his coworkers. PLUUUUUSSS when I woke up this morning, I found out that he had bought me a hamburger in the early morning at the kiosk and he left me a note to tell me about it (in case I woke up before he did). My heart just meltsssss he he he...


2. There's a piece of rather sad news about one of my regular customers. I've written a few times about a cute little girl who has taken a liking to me over the course of my working years in my current job. Anyway, the daddy came over the other day and he said that they were moving somewhere else, so he informed me just in case it was the last time we'd meet again.

I was too shocked to comment too much and there were other customers waiting in line already, so we couldn't chit-chat too long, but I'm sure gonna miss them. Mind you, I don't really "know" them. I only know the parents' names and the little girl's name and sometimes I buy her and her little sister some chocolate, but I still felt touched that he made sure to tell me about it. I still hope that they'd come back here every once in a while and that we'd meet again, though (because the grandparents live here). We shall see about that...

3. The grandpa who asked me to translate his book came over today and he bought me some flowers again!!!! BLESS HIIIIIMMMMMM!!!!! (Trying to think of any gift idea to give him on Christmas hmmmm...) :-D :-D :-D Ahhhhh...the perks of having a job like this he he he...


4. I've been enjoying the new tasks given to me at work. Funny thing was that before I knew that I was going to be given the new tasks, I had been feeling rather "stumped" already at work. I didn't want to go up in rank, but I wanted to do something else, as well. And boom...the new position (not a higher rank) with new tasks filled the need very well, even though in the beginning I was VERY nervous about whether or not I was capable enough to fulfill them. THANK YOU, Lord, for knowing my needs even before I knew what to ask!!! 

5. The other day I saw aurora borealis again thanks to my friend's message through my FB wall he he he...The temperature was only about 2-5'C. What I saw wasn't nearly as lovely as what you can see in this page: Aurora Borealis, because it was rather cloudy here in Sodankylä at that time plus I didn't wait for hours outside. Plus there were lots of street lamps all around us and they were really bothering me from enjoying the auroras fully. I really wished I had had a button where I could switch off all the neighbouring street lamps for half an hour, you know? HE HE HE HE HE...but anyway, click on the link to enjoy the BRILLIANT photos!!!

Bittersweet Tears

Before I share the post, I'd like to add a note first...this post below was posted in my IF blog, but I want to share this beautiful moment here. If anyone of you wonders why I keep writing about my IF journey and why infertility is still an important part of my life even though we've moved on and we've surrendered to life without kids, let me sum it up this way: it's like the opposite of parenting.

When you're a parent (and I'm talking about parents who're involved in their kids' lives), you're bound to think about your kids and their lives, their friends, etc. And your life's peppered with parenting thoughts and joy and problems in your kids' lives as well and their life events. Infertility is that way, too. It changes my life in ways that the arrival of kids change the life of parents. My life is peppered with infertility-related thoughts and I choose it that way. I want to learn whatever I can learn from infertility. I want to learn about my pain triggers and I want to embrace them and hug them and make them feel better. If I'm incapable of doing that, then I'll pray to God to help me heal. Mind you, this post for me isn't a sad one, but a happy one. So rejoice with me, will you? :-D

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The other day I think I had my first experience of crying with so much gratitude that my heart felt like it was going to burst mixed with some grief over the losses of a life as a non-mother. It was bittersweet. The tears didn't run too long, but it was cleansing. :-)


The triggers? 

The gratitude came from hearing positive feedback about myself from different people including from MIL. I was SO touched and thankful to be able to hear those words, but at the same time I realized how much more they meant to me because I'm not a mother. Only after I heard the words did I realize that I had actually been waiting for some confirmation that I was doing something right as a non-mom. Like I was secretly wishing that the universe would give me signs that what I was doing in the community was enough even if I could never become a mother.

The grief came much later that day while I was reading a manga series that dealt with cute little twins (a boy and a girl) that I had subscribed to (I had been reading it since ages ago and it's still not finished yet). Reading about their antics and how they grew not just in size but also in many different areas in life made me feel sad because I could never watch my own child(ren) grow. And that was when I remembered the positive feedback from all those people which counterbalanced my grief. It felt surreal. 

It was probably the first time when I cried tears of grief that didn't weigh upon my chest. Instead, the feeling of gratitude gave the grief some wings...After they held me in their embrace for a little while, off they flew, leaving me sighing contentedly.

Training Trip

The other day my coworkers and I were sent to a city to have some training. It was two day training, so we had to stay overnight in a hotel. My first trip with my coworkers that included an overnight stay in a hotel. The first day was an evening shift whereas the second day was a morning shift. One funny thing happened on the second day. I was walking ahead of my coworkers towards the front door of the store where we had the training the day before and the girl who was standing behind the door looked confused to see us. I had a big backpack 'coz we had checked out of the hotel already and she probably thought I was a crazy tourist or something LOL!!!

She waved one hand to show that the store wasn't open yet, then she opened the door when I kept on walking towards her and she said in Finnish, "We're not open yet."

I explained to her why we were there and she smiled apologetically. She wasn't there the day before, though, so it was only normal that she had no idea that we were coming there that day HA HA HA HA...



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After the training, I had a chance to meet my friend at her new place, so it was all good. She cooked a great dinner for me and then she drove me to the bus stop. It was already around 8 pm by then but the sun was shining low on the sky and it was shining right at us. VERY warm and nice! I was glad it wasn't raining 'coz the weather report said it would rain when I checked it a few days beforehand. 

Anyway, the trainer was excellent, but I wasn't sure how well I was doing considering it was all done in Finnish and there were just LOADS and LOADS of new pieces of information to absorb and remember. While waiting for my friend to pick me up, I managed to write down a list of the most important things to remember so that I had something to hold on to before the real practice day came. We also had some practice during training and I felt a bit all over the place to be honest.

However, today I went to work just to buy some stuff and then my boss was there and he told me that the trainer was pleased with my effort during the training. I was really surprised and TOUCHED!!! (I remembered to thank him). I was surprised 'coz I didn't even ask how I was doing, but it was nice of him to let me know verbally anyway.

You see, being the only foreigner in the group, I do rely perhaps more heavily on other people's feedback to figure out whether I've performed well enough in my tasks, esp. when I'm doing something I never did before in the past (because I want to make sure I understand fully what I'm supposed to do and what they're expecting from me). I'm VERY thankful that my coworkers and boss don't treat me differently and they treat me as well as the other coworkers. I'm also VERY thankful to hear any type of feedback so that I know whether what I'm doing is right or wrong.

Anyway, I hope you'll all have a blessed weekend ahead! I surely will enjoy mine fully! :-D


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3BT: Random Days

1. Having to wear a uniform to work (the top and jacket provided by work) and not having to wonder about what to wear. Only need to invest on dark-coloured pants (no need to wear any skirt 'coz it's just not practical for my kind of work - a treat for a tomboy like me!).

2. Hubby's "sunbathing" sleeping pose. Sometimes I go to bed later than he does and then I get to see him lie on his back with both hands under his head. SO CUTE!!!!

3. Scratching hubby's head (giving him a sort of gentle head massage) and hearing him "purr" in delight ha ha ha...


4. Dealing with a past "ghost" once and for all and facing it face forward without shoving it to the back of my mind anymore.

5. Realizing even more now how perfect the timing of FIL's passing, because it coincided with BIL's and my holiday, so I could spend more time with MIL without any distraction during the first week, which was probably the toughest for her.

6. My boss and coworkers who don't treat me differently because I'm a foreigner. I'm VERY THANKFUL for this.

7. My period is finally here, so I can say goodbye to my mellow mood earlier due to PMS HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...

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8. Watching these talented kids and thinking how much time they must've spent practicing. I salute them and wish them a beautiful future.

Sense of Humour

What makes a marriage last? I don't know. After all, I've only been married for only almost 7 years. I've seen some couples grow apart in their later years. I've also seen couples that stay together no matter what despite the storms within and outside their marriage. I've also seen couples that go their separate ways before their fifth wedding anniversaries.

What I'm sure about is that sense of humour has had a great deal of importance in our marriage. We love teasing each other and we actually kinda grow each other's crazy/wacky sides, so it's "easy" to have fun together. I must say, though, I'm really thankful for hubby's easy-going and calm nature. He's not easily disturbed or panicked or angered and that's been one of the saving graces of our marriage. He doesn't talk that much, but that also means that he doesn't say hurtful words to me and he never reminded me of my mistakes or say bad words to me. I'm THANKFUL that he's never laid a hand on me. I cherish his gentleness and his own calm self. He's not perfect, but time and time again I'm reminded of how "easy" it is to live with him 'coz he brings out the best in me. And that makes me love him all the more as time goes by.

Honey, THANK YOU for being you, for being there, for sticking with me, for loving me, for being patient with me, for making me laugh so much, for laughing at my jokes, for every single day that we spend together...may the Lord keep us hand-in-hand and heart-to-heart for the rest of our lives...
 

3BT: Random Days

1. Didn't need to worry about the funeral bouquet after all. Showed them to MIL including the note that we'd write down on the card and she approved them both. She even choked a little when reading the note, so today I ordered it and turned out I only had to pay after the funeral. Ha! 

2. Amazingly HOT HOT HOT days for the past week. It's unbelievable it can be this hot this long at the end of May already. I'm sure it's an exception and it won't happen often, but I'm enjoying it.

3. Riding my bike at full speed and sweating so much even though I only put on a tank top and shorts. YIIIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!


4. The portable air cooler that we bought last year proved to be even more useful this year for our upstairs bedroom. :-D

5. Rain!!!! After such hot days the rain comes down to quench the trees and grass in our yard - free water YEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!! :-D

6. Excited about going back to work tomorrow with a little hint of nervousness 'coz I hope I remember everything I need to remember hi hi...the brain always works a little more slowly at work when it's just got back from holiday LOL!!!


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7. Found cheap black shoes for the funeral (all of my black shoes are winter boots and all of my summer shoes are sneakers!) as well as a cheap black bolero at huuto.net to accompany my black dress. :-D Now I'm all ready for the funeral! 

8. Thankfully we brought R2's wedding outfit here along with the black shoes, so he doesn't have to buy anything for the funeral.

9. After talking to someone, I realize even more than before that I've met so many nice, supportive people here in Sodankylä and again I'm SO THANKFUL for them and their support.  

10. Skipping lunch and eating ice-cream instead he he he he he he he hehhh...

11. Making watermelon, banana, grape, and blueberry juice. Yummy! :-D
 

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3BT: Random Days

1. A customer bought a few stuff but then realized that she had 30 cents less than what she had to pay. When I was asking her what item she wanted to take out, the guy behind her immediately said, "Don't take anything. Here, let me just give you 30 cents." The woman thanked him profusely. :-D

Sure it wasn't a big amount of money, but not everyone would do that and it's lovely to witness something like that. :-D

2. My first batch of summer holiday is coming soon and we're going on a week cabin trip. WOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Can't wait!!! :-D

3. Thankful that in this tough economy, we still have jobs and we're still able to do some budget trips on our holidays. 


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4. My BPPV symptoms have been much less and less severe in a short amount of time and I'm even thinking of exercising again. My body's itching for a real exercise. Here's to regaining health!!! :-D

5. A friend's dad's bypass surgery went very well and it seems that so far the recovery period has been well, too. HALLELUJAH!!!!

6. Reading this prayer that I found accidentally:

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
 

7.  Small epiphanies that allow me to understand some things even better than before. I cherish them with all my heart! :-D

8. Hubby for making me laugh a lot 'coz of his antics. :-D 

Addition: Just had a full blown exercise - sweating and all that. Now I feel VERY VERY fresh. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Feels WONDERFUL to be able to exercise again. :-D 

Online Persona

Every now and then I get a bit worried about what other people perceive as my "persona" through my blogs. I remember when I met one blogger friend, she told me afterwards that she had expected me to laugh more "loudly" and more often like my writing style in my blog posts, 'coz I write "HA HA HA HA HA..." a lot he he he he he...---> see? :-D

In real life I'm not like that, though of course it depends on  the occasion and who you are to me. I think maybe in the blogosphere I'm more free to "unleash" my inner child, the persona that is available to those people who're very close to me. In real life when I meet strangers I'm more reserved, whereas I've been told of how "warm" and "happy-go-lucky" I seem to be as my blogger persona.

I remember one person once commented that it didn't cross her mind that I could be cranky (when I wrote in that particular blog post that I had been cranky). Oh, Arttu has often seen my cranky side (poor honey!), but he's bared each and every episode like a trooper he he he he he....Bless him!!!



One of Arttu's acquaintances once told me that I seemed to be wary when I met new people (he said he didn't know if it had to do with Indo culture or if it was just my personality), that I didn't let people in too quickly/too close. Well, that was probably also 'coz we met in a bar when hubby and his brother wanted to hang out there a few years back, so of course I was wary about meeting people there 'coz I didn't want strangers touching me while they were drunk, even if the strangers were my hubby's acquaintances (for example). Not that anyone was touching me, mind you, but let's just say that I was more wary of meeting people in a bar versus meeting them in a family party for example.

I was far more reserved when I was in Indo, but after moving to Finland I've learnt to be more open and more active in talking to people (things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing back in Indo). Probably because I do feel more need to build my "web of relations" here compared to when I was in Indo. In fact, I think in the beginning I was SO desperate, esp. when I was staying at home most of the time. Thus began the very active blogging period he he he he he he...I remember during that time I could write three or more posts within a day LOL!!!!

Anyway, I know that people probably know that there is a difference (or differences) between online images versus real life images, because after all what you see is only a small part of a person's life, but I guess I just want to talk about this matter anyway once and for all he he he...and I do try to incorporate as many sides of me as possible in my blog posts, though I think I tend to separate my infertility posts in my other blog because it's more practical that way. I find that the readers of this blog aren't the same as the readers of my infertility blog, so you may find other aspects of myself in that blog compared to this one.


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I'm jumping towards a different topic now...it's about my benign vertigo. Two days ago R2 bought me a pair of Sea Bands (anti motion sickness bands) and I tried them at home. They helped me in stopping the nausea, though I still felt some dizziness (still feel some dizziness until now).

Yesterday at work I wore them all the time and I did feel more dizziness while being at the cashier 'coz I had to move around my head more often, but at least no nausea and I could survive until the end of my shift. Phew!!! :-D And I'm SO THANKFUL that the training that I was scheduled for next week is postponed (just found out about it yesterday). I was rather worried about it due to condition and a rather hectic schedule if the training wasn't postponed. THANK GOD!!! :-D

Six Years' Recap

I forgot to write a post last Friday, but then again I had work last weekend. Anyway, last Friday marked my 6th year in Finland. A LOT has happened since I first moved here. Can't believe that in summer I'll have worked in my current workplace for 3 years already!!! Of course it doesn't really feel that way 'coz I work part-time, but still time flies so fast!!!

The first time I visited Finland, I chose March due to some reasons. The first one was 'coz I wanted to see snow, but I didn't want to experience the dead of winter 'coz I knew it'd be too rough on my body if I had to go out when it was way too cold. Besides, in March there's already plenty of sunlight to enjoy compared to the dead of winter. Secondly, I wanted to celebrate R2's birthday. 

When I moved to Finland, I wanted to do it as fast as possible after our wedding in November, but alas...life had other plans for us. I was told to apply for my residence permit from Indonesia (my tourist visa application was denied), so I couldn't possibly know for sure when I'd be able to move to Finland. I was secretly hoping I could celebrate Arttu's birthday again and it did happen!!! The minute I got news that my residence permit was final already, I went to a travel agency to buy a one-way ticket to Finland. WOOOHHHOOOOOO!!!! :-D

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R2 finally got a permanent job again after I moved to Finland, so that was such a HUGE relief at that time. For me personally, the first three years were mostly adjustment, adjustment, adjustment. Learning, learning, learning. Adapting, adapting, adapting, trying to find my place, getting lost and depressed in the process...I can't say I know everything there is to know about Finland (or at least this village) yet, but at least I've gotten used to the customs here. I can't tell you how thankful I am that I'm able to be an active part of society. Never in a million years did it ever cross my mind that I would be able to get a permanent job this fast (and in such a crazy way)!!! Do you know that statistics say that in average expats get proper jobs on their fourth year in Finland?

Over the years I've met SO MANY wonderful people who've helped me along the way...many of them aren't people I know in real life, but blogger friends, so I'm also very grateful for all the encouragement and support. For their open hearts and ears, for the time they spend reading my posts...and at different training places as well as my current workplace, I've also met so many lovely people who've given me verbal support, so for that I can only say THANK YOU ALL and GOD BLESS YOU!!!

On a slightly sad note, though, our baby dream has died, BUT after having decided to surrender to life without kids, I think we've healed leaps and bounds compared to the years when we were still trying to conceive, so I call that a HUGE progress (and our marriage is still intact HALLELUJAH)! :-D Although I'm realistic enough to know that I won't be 100% healed, but being 90-99% healed is MUCH better than being 50% healed he he he...


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Anyway, when we first bought this house, we were still thinking about kids, so we have a spare bedroom. One lovely thing about having a spare bedroom is that whenever I have a very early shift after some days off (read: when I'd stay up late!!!), I can sleep in the other bedroom so that Arttu's snores won't bother me. His snores don't bother me on regular days, BUT if I'm so tensed about having to go to bed early (after having stayed up late for a few nights before then), it's harder to sleep without waking up over and over again because I'm afraid of not being able to get up in time for work, so my brain gets kinda worked up over the smallest noises (I set my mobile phone alarm to wake me up).

What else has happened? Well, my Dad has passed away, but I'm glad he didn't have to suffer long at all. Although it was hard on my family esp. that he was gone "too fast", but most people can't/don't exactly choose how they're gonna go anyway. And despite the fact that he's gone, our family has gotten bigger with the birth of my bro's first son (which R2 and I were luckily able to "witness" during our trip to Indo a few years ago) and then his second child is coming sometime this year, so it's exciting news!!! :-D

Anyway, today I just want to give THANKS to God for all the ups and downs I've experienced during the course of 6 years...thankful for this gift of life...This one's for you, My Lord!!! "Hatiku Percaya" or "My Heart Believes".

A Thankful Heart

Yesterday a contractor came by our house to check out our roof. Last spring we noticed that it was leaking a little in some parts, but the timing just wasn't right. We contacted a contractor online (there's no local one) to visit us to give an estimate on the renovation, but he was in the vicinity during our holiday abroad, so we couldn't meet and he didn't contact us again afterwards. 

After that we tried to use an online calculator to get a rough estimate on how much it would cost and thought that it'd probably be better to start saving for that purpose before contacting another contractor. We figured that by now we should have more or less enough money for the renovation to commence without having to get another loan from the bank ('coz we still have to pay out our house loan each month anyway). 

Anyway, yesterday the guy measured the roof and checked out everything that he needed to check. It was tough to go up to the roof and measure the roof because there's still plenty of snow up there. After that, we discussed the options and he showed us the kinds of things that he'd do and stuff like that. When he was calculating the cost, I was really anxious and worried. I HOPED that it wouldn't be over budget he he he he...and my hope came true!!! I wanted to shout out in JOYYYYYYYYY right then and there, but I kept quiet LOL!!! 

After he left, R2 and I were both smiling happily 'coz we realize we can get a new roof without having to get a loan from the bank. 

HALLELUJAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :-D

It's gonna be interesting to see how the renovation is like (we were shown pics on what would happen) he he he...

Next project is saving money to change some of the old windows. Some of the windows of this house were still based on the original house design back in the 50's, so we want to change them as well because it's much easier to clean the new type of windows compared to the old ones. :-D 

I just want to THANK GOD for everything - for this house, for our jobs, for enabling us to save money...
 

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