Amidst a Battle

Recently I found out that I still held too much expectations from my loved ones. I grew disappointed when I felt I wasn't heard as much. I still have a VERY VERY LONG way to go to learn to love unconditionally. I wonder how some people are successful in doing it. I've been crying out to God to help me out and to burn my ego into ashes. It's tiring to feel needy. I don't want to feel needy. I find it SO hard to let go of ALL my expectations. I find it SO hard to do the right thing just for the sake of doing the right thing. I find it hard to "be a friend that loveth at all times" when I'm drained 'coz I feel that I'm not given as much attention as I deserve or need.

Maybe parents know best how to love unconditionally. I certainly don't know yet how to do it. I've been trying to banish my expectations, but it's going on a snail's pace. I'm not giving up on myself, though. I know that once I conquer this battle, I'll have learnt SO MANY things along the way. The process is painful, but I know I will get there someday. I don't know if I will face a similar problem in the future or if I'll deal with this over and over again. I simply believe that once I get through this, it's gonna be easier for me to deal with it later on IF it should appear again.

I find myself torn between my needs and doing what's right. My principle has always been this: if I'm not sincere in doing or saying anything, I'll do my best not to do or say it. I know that in some cases, I can't be too idealistic, but I still feel like clinging to this principle. Maybe it's wrong to grab on to this principle, 'coz it won't do anybody any good. After all, just like when you force yourself to smile, you'll instantly feel better, then maybe if I force myself to love someone even when I don't feel that much love, I'll begin to love that person more. Besides, love is an action, not just a feeling. I can't rely only on my feelings as feelings fluctuate so much.

Okay, then, I guess I'll try my best to love despite my feelings and let's see how far I can go. I'll try my best to "love at all times". May God help me!!!!!!!!!!!!

GAMBATTE KUDASAIIIIII!!!! (as the Japanese say it HE HE HE HE HE HE...)