Friday, June 29, 2007

3BT: June 29, 2007

1. Knowing that my uncle's in a better place. No pain, no worries, no disappointments, no strife, no discord. It's a relief to know that one's tasks on earth are done.

2. Remembering all the good guys out there. All those decent, honest, caring, loving, sweet, hardworking guys who put their women first. All those gentle guys who truly try hard to make their women happy. All those funny guys that make their women smile, giggle, laugh uncontrollably. All the guys who truly listen to their women, who accept their women for who they are, who make their women feel ABSOLUTELY special. All those guys (who are sensitive enough) who go out of their way to make sure that their women are doing okay. I SALUTE those guys. THANK YOU for being here on earth. You guys have made us, women, feel that we are THE LUCKIEST beings on earth!!! *bowing*

3. Chocolate pancakes. My hubby decided to make some and they're DELICIOUS (eaten with his Mom homemade strawberry jam - made from the strawberries she grew herself in her yard). Maybe I should never learn how to cook pancakes so that I can be spoilt every now and then whenever he wants some. *tee hee*

P.S. My computer died this morning. Good thing we have two computers here, so I'm using my hubby's computer. However, before the new computer part comes, I'm not sure whether I can write much in my blog or not. We'll see. :-))) ENJOY your weekend, everybody!!!

In Memoriam

Yesterday I got an SMS from my brother. My Mom's elder brother was taken to the hospital (the same hospital my Dad was treated). He got into ICU due to his swollen heart. Just this morning I received another SMS from him. My uncle's passed away already. Mom naturally cried as my Mom had always been protected by her elder brother (Mom's the youngest). I wonder what they're thinking now...the elderly...when death will come to pick them up, I guess? I know death is coming to get all of us, but when you're old and you see your peers are taken away one by one, it must feel closer than ever. But I'm not going to talk about death now. This morning I'm reminded of my Mom's past which I'd love to write here to make sure that I don't forget it.

My grandma (Mom's mother) split up with grandpa as grandpa was such a jealous man and because they had kids in a row every year. Back then there was still no birth control and when birth control did appear, grandpa wouldn't allow grandma to have anything to do with it. Why? Because he thought grandma would use it to "sleep around". Right! An old-fashioned man indeed. Remember that this all happened a LONG time ago in ASIA, though!!!

Anyway, grandma had 7 kids. My mom's the youngest. One of the kids died when she was 7 years old (if I remember correctly) due to a certain disease that nowadays would be considered "easy to heal". Since grandma split up with grandpa, grandma started selling food for a living. Therefore, she had no time to take care of her six children. So her sisters took care of the kids. Thus the kids were separated for some time. They lived in different homes. If I remember correctly, Mom didn't know she had sisters until she reached a certain age. Since they had different upbringings, they grew up to be TOTALLY different people. (side note: I know that even with the same upbringing, kids can grow up to be TOTALLY different people, but I mean in this case they've got diverse history when they are still kids, so the different family histories have an impact on their future lives, too)

Mom stayed with a certain aunt. This aunt had a daughter almost the same age as Mom, so they both breastfed to the same woman. Luckily for Mom, this woman was so nice to her. Oh yeah, Mom was also the only child who had a birth certificate showing the right date of her birth. The rest of the kids? They had birth certificates, but the date shown on their certificates may be a few weeks or months later than their birth dates. So Mom's the only one who knows her exact birthday.

Mom used to tell me lots of things about her past. I LOVE those moments. One time she told me about her conversation with her grandma (meaning my great-grandma). People during that age had LOADS of kids, usually at least 6 of them. Some could have up to 13 kids (probably every year as there was no birth control yet). Anyway, my great-grandma told Mom that her vagina was as huge as a tunnel. Why? She had given birth to many kids, plus back then they didn't stitch her up. Back then they let nature run its course. I have a doctor friend and she says that the vagina can heal by itself, though it will take a LONG time to do it. Mom said that back then, right after childbirth, a woman was supposed to wrap herself up tightly with a sarong to help quicken the process of healing and then they were supposed to squat over a period of time each day above a small coal stove for the same purpose. YIKES!!!

Btw, in my Mom's age (when she was a teenager), before there were sanitary napkins, they had to use a kind of towel as sanitary napkins and it was SO hard to wash them clean. YIKES again!!!

I don't know more details about my Mom and her siblings, but it seemed that one time they got back together again and lived under the same roof with my grandma. My Mom once asked grandma how she could feed all six children. Grandma said, "I just put six plates of food on the table and let them eat." Mom asked, "But then the little ones must've been unable to eat properly. The dining room must've looked so messy after meal time." Grandma answered calmly, "Sure, then I just swept the mess off the floor." Such a "messy" life it seems.

Back in my Mother's age, parents would be anxious if their daughters weren't married by the age of 20. My Mom set the record by getting married only at 32 years old. Why? Because she saw how unhappy some of her sisters were, so she didn't want to rush into marriage. I can only imagine how tough my Mom must've been. I mean, I KNOW she's tough, but it must've been hard to live with such pressure. Even I felt the pressure when my friends started getting married and I wasn't even close to planning it.

In Indo, there are lots of weddings where family members gather and on those days, if you're deemed old enough to get married, they'll start asking, "Who's gonna get married next?" or "When's your turn?" So there's still so much pressure now, even though I think the age limit's risen up to 28-30 years old now.

Back to my Mom...since she wasn't planning on getting married soon, she had time to save enough money to buy my grandma a house. Mom felt sorry as grandma was staying with another daughter and they didn't get along well. My grandma had a TEMPER allright! She wasn't the easiest person to live with. Anyway, after saving money over the years, finally at the age of 25 years old (which was such an inspiration to me!!!) she could buy a land with an old house on top of it. Her brothers helped in fixing the house and Mom got a loan, too. Finally my grandma could live there. Then we moved there to stay with grandma when I was around 4 years old (in the house where my parents still live now).

Although the house was bought by Mom, the land certificate stated that grandma owned it. Thus, when grandma started to get sick, she decided to split the house for her six children. I can only imagine how my Mom must've felt back then. I mean, we were the only ones who didn't have a house yet and it was Mom who bought it for her, so it should've been Mom's, right? However, Mom wasn't daunted. Wisely she did what grandma asked her to and then she decided to buy the house from the other siblings. If I remember correctly, 2 siblings decided to give up their rights to Mom. So Mom only had to pay to the other 4 siblings by getting a loan from a bank. In the end she paid off the loan and the house is now hers again. She said to me once about all this, "Even though back then I was hurt by my mother's decision, but God knows who had been working hard to get the house and finally the house's mine again."

So many memories...I guess I should just stop now. I just want to relive the memories today, in memoriam of my uncle: may you rest in peace and may God give your family strength and comfort.

Perception vs Delusion?

You know when you've known some people well after a long time, you begin to be able to guess what they'll say about a certain topic or how they'll react to a certain problem or situation? You can just imagine having a conversation about that specific topic or problem with those people and carry on the imaginary conversation in your mind.

How far can we trust our perception?

I've been burned a few times when I perceived something based on my observation. I confronted some people about what I thought as A, yet I was stunned when I found out their sides of the story. My perception changed COMPLETELY!

If something ticks us, surely there's something inside us that makes it that way, don't you think? It's quite hard to get rid of a certain perception once it's mapped out in your brain.

Don't you just hate it when someone says something to you and at first you think of nothing much, but then your brain starts processing it (perceiving it differently?). I've had my shares of condemning that little voice within me that nudges me like that. For example: If someone compliments you, at first you feel happy, but then a second later you start wondering if the person has an ulterior motive in doing so. Then I start beating myself up for managing to think of such an ugly thing. GGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

I know that that little voice is there for a reason, but if that little voice comes out as a reaction to something said by someone that's close to us, it makes all the difference in the world. It's normal if people are suspicious about strangers, but it's killing me if I begin to suspect the motives of those people close to me (especially those whom I know have no intention of hurting me). And I begin to wonder whether it's a real, true perception or if it's just a delusion. Or whether it's due to that something inside me that is triggered by what they say.

All in all, I've been asking for discernment. I don't wish to let go of my perception, but I wanna know which is which and I wanna be able to get rid of the false perceptions.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Hellen Keller Quotes

Just several quotes that wowed me from this site: Helen Keller Quotes. :-))))

We would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world.

What I am looking for is not out there; it is in me.

I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do something I can do.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

Believe, when you are most unhappy, that there is something for you to do in the world. So long as you can sweeten another's pain, life is not in vain.

Believe. No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.

One more GREAT story to read: PMA.

3BT: June 27, 2007

1. Seeing a squirrel again. This time it was only about 2 meters away from me. SO VERY CUTE!!! I was walking home from the supermarket when I saw the little fellow near my neighbour's house. I stopped walking for a few moments to observe it. It didn't seem to be bothered by me. NICE!!! Why do I keep on writing about this squirrel as a beautiful thing? Where else can I see it except here? ;-D

2. Strawberry cheese-curd. Dear goodness, it tastes AS GOOD AS SIN!!! I'm SERIOUS! My husband and I almost can't stop taking another serving and another serving and another serving of that super-delicious dessert. *long drool*

3. Tasting some bun I bought at the supermarket. Ohhhhh it mellllltteeeddd in my mouth!!! I know, I know I'm bad for I've mostly written about food in this 3BT post. However, I just want to be grateful for everything. It's a blessing to be able to buy other kinds of food (other than staple food)/drinks/snacks you've been craving for without worrying about what to eat tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Internal Dialog

(Inspired by so many posts in this blogging world)

"I have a question for you."


"Well, if your world is torn apart to bits and pieces, how can you mend it?"

"By putting back the pieces one bit at a time. Slowly. Gradually. One moment at a time."

"What about unwanted bits and pieces?"

"I'll surely leave them be, gone with the wind."

"But then there would be holes as a result of that."

"The unwanted bits and pieces will be replaced by new bits and pieces that are better than the old ones."

"How can you be so sure that there'll be better ones?"

"Because we learn from our mistakes. Maybe not the first time around, but we WILL learn eventually if death doesn't carry us away before we do so."

"You sound like an optimist."

"Well, I try to be, but theories are always easier said than done."

"Indeed. Especially if you have a cynical side lying dormant inside yourself."

"Yep. I think the toughest problem you're facing is the problem you're facing at the moment. It might not be the hardest one to solve, yet it becomes tough as it is something you're facing right now."

"You really think so?"

"Yes, I do. Why? Doesn't it make sense to you?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you're trying too hard to make sense of something like that."

"Okay, then let me try to explain it further: the problem you're facing might not be tough for someone else who's overcome it. And the problem somebody else's facing might be easy for you to solve if you've already overcome it. So basically the toughest problem EVERYBODY's facing is the problem they are facing now. At this very moment. Because it's there. Right in front of their faces."

"I see. Well, to be honest, I don't know what other people might think about your explanation."

"So? I'm not saying that I'm an expert. I'm just voicing my opinion and it's all started because YOU asked me a question."

"Ahhh...the blaming game...but I'm a part of YOU."

"I know that, but you're a part of me that's annoying."

"Really? I think you enjoy bantering like this with me."

"Right! You're the one who woke me up just as I was about to sleep with your hypothetical question. Bad girl!!!! (silence for a minute) Ummm...okaaaayyy, I admit it then...I can't live without you, so of course I do enjoy this dialog." (grinning sheepishly)

"See? OK, now why don't we hug and call it a night, shall we?"

(Hugging each other)

"Mmm...that feels good. OK, now we're ready to sleep and let's continue this dialog another time."

"Hmm...why did you ask that question in the first place?"

"Shouldn't we just stop? I don't know where it came from. YOU tell me!"

(Laughing) "OK, OK, I agree with you. It doesn't matter where it came from. It came from Amel's twisted brain. We can just blame her then."

(Giggling Together)

"Oh yeah, before we forget, let's say SWEET DREAMS, everybody!!!"

Enlighten Me, Please?

I've never understood this sentence:

"Everything is fair in love and war."

What does it really mean??? Care to enlighten me, please?

Random Thoughts #2

1. If you move to another country, especially a country where you don't know the language, allow yourself to feel confused for at least 3-6 months. You should learn to be kind to yourself. Otherwise, you're doomed. Allow yourself to make mistakes (lots of them!) and learn to laugh at yourself. (side note: doing the last two things hasn't been easy for me but I think I've made progress he he he)

2. On Breaking Up.

Breaking up is definitely not easy, especially if you don't know what you did wrongly. I have witnessed a friend undergoing severe diet and bulimia after breaking up with her old boyfriend. Why? She didn't know why he suddenly acted so coldly towards her (he wouldn't tell her even though she had asked, if I remember correctly), so she thought her problem must've been her weight. She lost around 25 kilos back then. (side note: Don't worry, she's fine again now. It happened years back he he...)

My own breaking up experiences weren't too harsh. My world did feel like crashing down for a while, but I got back on my own two feet because I knew what went wrong. It took time to mourn on the loss of "dreams woven together for the future", but at least I didn't have to search within myself to see what was wrong with me. Oh yeah, the first time it happened (I only have two breaking up experiences), what was wrong was that I lost myself when I was in the relationship. So breaking up with him was a good thing and I couldn't be happier once I passed by the "mourning" period.

Another friend was dumped by his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, of all the days in the world, years ago. He then called me in tears to ask my help. He wanted to know what went wrong as he got so worked up in trying to find out what went wrong. He needed closure. He needed to know what made her dump him so that he could improve himself. Fortunately I could help him find his peace, unlike the first friend's experience I mentioned above.

So, my conclusion: for those of you who're thinking of breaking up with someone special, please do explain to him/her what went wrong so that they can move on without having to struggle to find out what's wrong with them. It's cruel to be left in the dark if you know what went wrong.

I've also heard one more case of breaking up: The girl who broke up with him said this, "You're just too good for me." Nice going...and that's supposed to make him feel better?

Oh, another thought came into my mind: I think sometimes people are too cowardly to break up with someone so that they just let the relationship be rotten enough for the other person to break up with them, so they don't carry the burden of breaking up with the other person. But hey, this is just my opinion and I'm no relationship expert he he he...

Anyhow, I'm getting too worked up here with my emotions he he he...Relationship is tough work indeed, but it's all worth it when it's working well. :-)))

Random Thoughts

1. Perfection is overrated. Do we really think that we can stand being with someone who's SO "perfect"? Only through imperfection do we really need one another.

Imperfection can be a blessing, especially when it comes to physical appearance. Other people's imperfections can humble us to accept our own imperfections and not try in vain to follow society's standard of perfection. The other day a friend of mine complained about that she had a hard time trying to find the right pair of trousers, even though for the longest time ever I thought she had a better body type than me! Then I remembered that even some types of clothes didn't suit for my slim, tall friends.

What's with mankind's obsession towards physical beauty? Women feel the pressure to look good all the time, not only within themselves but from outside. They want to please their partners and they want to look good to feel good. However, it's not so easy to achieve when all the beauty ads scream something different than what we have.

It takes courage to feel good with yourself when you are against the mainstream. It takes faith to know you are special in this materialistic, cruel, realistic world that tries to pull you into categories. It takes effort to step back and see yourself as a unique person and to unattach yourself from the pressures and influences around you. It takes confidence to know that beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder.

2. Everything makes more sense once a tragedy's passed (provided that you take time to assess it).

3. I read this GREAT article on codependency. Warning: it's full of Christian values, so if you don't want to read anything religious, pass this one: When We Love Too Much.

4. If you react strongly against something other people tell you, stop, take a step back, and listen to what's inside you. Those people may mean well and the only thing you react so strongly against them is that what they tell you is like a mirror being held in front of you where you can see all the things you're not proud of about yourself, all the wounds and scars that still hurt so much that you don't even realize.

It's true what my Aunt says: Oftentimes when you don't get along well with someone, it's because there are certain things about yourself that prompts the discord.

I know that we can't possibly get along well with EVERYBODY, but still it's better to just realize what's inside us instead of pointing a finger against someone who's only shoving a mirror in front of you.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Thank You, Lord, My Everything

Just received a VERY TOUCHING email from my brother. He told me the detailed story of my Dad's illness. When reading the story, I couldn't help crying, knowing now how they've been in THE BEST hands of all, God's.

My brother told me how many people had been helping them, how many people had been praying for them, the people who also supported them financially and emotionally. How my brother's girlfriend's parents brought food for them a few times a day. So many ANGELS.

I'm also amazed when realizing how rooted my brother is in Jesus (even though I'd always known he was close to Him). He's SO strong and wise now, not because he's THAT strong, but because of Jesus who's given him strength.

This post is dedicated to Jesus, My Lord, My Saviour, My EVERYTHING. My faith's still so raw...yet each day I'm learning how to be closer to Him. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for sending SO MANY angels to help and comfort my family and me. Your grace is TRULY always sufficient.

So let me sing this song for You...Here I Am to Worship..."Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God...You're altogether lovely...altogether worthy...altogether wonderful to me..."

3BT: June 25, 2007

1. The sun in my heart even though it's dreary as hell here. Nothing beats having the sun in our hearts, doesn't it? ^_________________________^

2. The joy of walking on my own two feet. Isn't it funny that sometimes when it's sunny outside I don't feel like walking much, yet today I feel like walking a lot? :-D Today I specifically want to be grateful for being able to walk on my own two feet.

3. Knowing that God's put me here for good reasons and noticing some of the reasons unfolding in my life.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

2 Sunday Clips

Oh this is a BEAUTIFUL video. God's Love Letter.

Second video: I simply LOVE this song: The Heart of Worship. :-)))

Getting Back at My Husband

Ouch! Forgot to add this one incident in the latest post. I'm writing this one to remind me of the good things in life. The little things that create the web of happiness.

Yesterday while my husband and I were still at our in-laws, when we were taking a break from doing Sudokus, he took out his mobile and then typed an SMS. He glanced at me with a devilish grin on his face, so naturally my curiosity got the best of me. I asked him to whom he was writing the SMS. He grinned again and said, "Nobody." GRRRRRRRR!!! I was boiling a bit. I knew he was teasing me, but I decided to pretend not to care about it.

Then a moment later my mobile beeped. I was ECSTATIC 'coz I thought I could get back at him. I could pretend to grin happily while reading the SMS and made him wonder who wrote the SMS to me. So I clicked on the incoming SMS to read it. What did I find?

The SMS was from HIM!!! GRRRAAAWWRRR! He tricked me. TWICE!!! I'm going to get back at him later on. We'll see what I can do he he he...LOL!!! Btw, his SMS was SO SWEET as usual. ^___________________________________^

So I guess my weekend was as perfect as it could be. ;-D Hope your weekend has been JOYFUL and HOT, as well!

Thought of The Day: Be kind to yourself. God never asks you to do anything more than what you can do, with the depth of knowledge that you have at that time of need, not with the amount of knowledge that you WILL have in the future.

Midsummer Day "Party"

Back from a relaxing weekend!!! HAPPY MIDSUMMER DAY to everybody who celebrates it! ^______________________^

1. Glorious weather. When we went to my in-laws' on Friday, it was around 20'C. Saturday it got as hot as 25'C for a while, so we sunbathed outside. MMMMMM...Oh, and of course we had sauna on Friday eve after helping my mother-in-law move the flowers/plants out of her greenhouse to the yard ho ho ho ho...LOVE my sauna! ;-D

2. The food: STEAK! STEAK! STEAK! YUMMY indeed! :-D Steak, salad, sausage, cake, buns, coffee, strawberry curd, milk, lemonade. I can be fat if there are too many parties like this here he he he...Billy Blanks, wait for me tomorrow! I shall burn calories with you again!!! Gambatte kudasaiiiiii!!! ;-D

3. Laughing at my own folly. When I was helping my hubby and his Mom prepare the upstairs room for us (I got upstairs a bit late as I was doing something else at the moment, so they were nearly finished when I got there), I did something stupid. Arttu told me to pick a pillow and changed the pillow case. I THOUGHT his Mom had already taken off the old pillow case, so I just grabbed the new pillow case and put the new pillow case on. After they were done, his Mom asked where the old pillow case was. I tried to search for it even though I was confused as I hadn't seen it. Then Arttu realized something. He took my pillow and took off the new pillow case and ta-daa!!! At that very second, I started giggling hysterically! Talking about embarrassing yourself in front of your own mother-in-law! Then Arttu and his Mom started laughing, too. :-D It was the first time I could truly laugh at my own folly without beating myself up. It was SO funny that when we were about to go to bed that night, I couldn't stop giggling for a few minutes as I laid my head down on the pillow. LOL!!! (side note: The old pillow case was thin and the colour was white-light greyish so I REALLY thought it had been a "naked" pillow, you know? In my haste I didn't even think twice about it.)

4. Spotted a bee flitting about, so I took this video. Hope it's clear enough for you. I should've zoomed in better but oh well...It was FUN looking at the little fellow busily sucking away the nectar of the flowers.

5. Card games. Friday night Arttu, his Mom, and I played cards. First game I won, but two other games were won by Arttu. Saturday afternoon my mother-in-law's elder sister and husband dropped by and we played cards again. Again my mother-in-law lost, but at least we had fun together he he...

6. OK, here are more pics of the glorious summer and of nature...As usual, better click on the pics to see a bigger version.

The below pic was taken at 1 am, right after we finished our card games. ;-D

Me amongst the yellow flowers. Arttu said that the name of the flower was voikukka in Finnish or in English it'd be butter flowers. I think it's SO lovely to see the green grass dotted with yellow flowers everywhere.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Perfect Day

Have no time today to do anything much. My darling crazy (that's a compliment as we're both crazy) husband decided to throw a surprise at me late last night. I knew we were going to enjoy barbecue at my in-laws today, but I thought it'd be done later, right after he went home from work. When we almost fell asleep (literally), he turned and said to me with an evil grin, "I should tell you something. I don't have to work tomorrow." I was STUNNED! I asked him if it meant that we were going to my in-laws in the morning. He said yes. Oh dear goodness! He said his initial intention was to surprise me in the morning, by lying down beside me when I woke up (usually he wakes up earlier than me to go to work while sleepyhead me still enjoys the dreamland). Then I stared at him in disbelief and said, "I don't know whether to poke your eyes or hug you." He laughed. Naturally I did the latter, not the former. LOL!!!

So, Dwight and Max, I'll get back to you on my promises after I get back home, OK?

And Max's tagged me back for the award, even though I'm not sure it's legal????? I was under the impression that people who had been tagged couldn't be tagged back, but inspired by Vic's post entitled Learning to Accept Praise (and Other Good Things in Life), I THANK Max for tagging me back with his kind words:

"I like the sweet and tender fashion in which she posts events of her life, her opinion about things, her deepest feelings! There's something sincere about her that makes us belive that the world is not so fake after all! You've been tagged before, however you win another award for the category "Best Leading Kindness"!"

I TRULY appreciate your words, Max. Another one of the best compliments I've ever received. :-))))

I think since yesterday it's been a perfect day for me. I want to salute the person who initiated the award, simply because it's basically sharing joys with others and thus enabling me to double my joys. MANY thanks to that person (will someone tell me who that person is and I'll link him/her here? I have no time today to search) and also again to Michelle for having tagged me (enabling me to share the award). My cup absolutely runneth over now. :-))))

Anyway, today's a SUNNY day. YAAAAYYYYYY!!! What more can a girl expect? Hmmm...Can I cheat now and just pick one blog to give an award to, now that I've been tagged back? Somebody tell me, pretty, please? He he he he...LOL!!! 'Coz I want to give the award to Michelle (Crow's Feet) as she's been inspirational, informative, and soul-beautiful in her posts (borrowing her own term "soul-beautiful" in her post In The Image of God).

OK, time to pack as we're gonna spend a night at my in-laws. Here I come, countryside, birds, flowers, sky, sunshine, lake, foooooddddd!!! Enjoy your weekend, everybody!!!

P.S. Almost forgot...just wanna share this silly fun clip to make you smile as it made me giggle yesterday. Go here: Winners.

P.P.S. OK, now I've decided to share just one Thinking Blogger Award to Crow's Feet. She doesn't need to find 5 other blogs as she's already done it in Kombai. I just want her to know that I appreciate her and she was the one who made me feel mushy-mushy first he he he...

CONGRATULATIONS on having made a difference in my life, Michelle!!! Here's your Award:

Thursday, June 21, 2007

My Husband

The other night I decided to trick my husband. LOL!!! I ran to bed as fast as I could and then decided that I'd hide beneath the comforter the other way around - so my feet would be near the pillows. I knew he'd be shocked when he lifted the comforter and tried to kiss me goodnight and found my feet instead of my face. Indeed he was. It was SO MUCH FUN!!! :-D YIIIIIPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!! I giggled and laughed like crazy and he said, "I'll GET back at youuuuuuhhh!" WA HA HA HA HA HA HA...LOL!!! (side not: Am I a bad girl? Maybe I am ;-D). Oh, but don't expect me to show my childlikeness in front of strangers. Strangely enough, it only appears when I'm with him. Even when I'm with my closest friends, I can't seem to bring out that side of me.

Anyhow, just wanna share something I wrote for my hubby (another older writing of mine that I wrote not long after we got married):

Dear Husband,

My heart's SO full of you and your love right now that even if it were a mute bird, it would sing as beautifully as a nightingale. This distance adds more weight to your value in my life. I feel SO LUCKY to have you in my life. You are a kindred spirit who moves me, touches me in ways nobody ever did or could, shatters my life and rebuilds it even more wonderfully. You have a magical touch that makes me feel that I belong to and with you eternally. You have a magical key to unlock every secret hidden door. You have a magical heart that beats similarly as mine that endears me to you. How can I not love you? You make me love everything that I am by loving me that way. You've bared and stripped me and yet you always clothe me tenderly with your love and understanding so that I won't feel ashamed and insecure. You've let me bare and strip you and clothe you the same way, with a happy smile on your face that I love so much. I love the way we fight together, side by side, bridging the distance and differences between us. You truly are a gift from above, a dream I never dared pray for, yet at last you are in my arms, in my heart, in my soul, for the rest of our lives. I thank God for entrusting you to me and for entrusting us to be together. Let's embrace the present and the future together, My Love, because from now on, we are one!

Another older post: Intimacy

Written on Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Intimacy. The very thing people yearn for in life is the very thing that causes people to hide. Why so? I don't understand. I actually DO understand why, but why does it have to be that way? Afraid of rejection, afraid of making other people worried, shame, afraid of other people's reactions, the need to have the mysterious allure to capture other people's attention? It's ironic. In relationships, it becomes a death trap. When you hide something from your partner, it affects the dynamics of your relationship with your partner. He/she might not feel that there's something wrong, especially if you hide it really well, but deep inside you know that your interaction with him/her is untruthful, masked, distorted. The distortion may be even worse when you continue doing it and when the issue branches into bigger half-truths or even more lies. It's almost the same like digging your own grave. It will get harder and harder for your partner to trace back to the original problem that makes you do such a thing in the first place. And it will get harder and harder even for you to start explaining why and when and how and where. Thus a rift is built bit by bit and it can separate them emotionally apart as though they're geographically thousands of miles apart.

It's frustrating to see how some people don't try hard to make their spouses as their best friend. Instead, they only become the 'wife' or the 'husband'. Especially in this Asian world that I inhabit. I don't know yet if it's the same case in the Western world, but here I see too many couples afraid or reluctant to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. They sure talk about practical matters, but what about their feelings? REAL feelings. Not just outburst of anger masking their fear, but their REAL fear. Not just outburst of anger masking their shame, but their REAL shame. Not just outburst of anger masking their disappointment/sadness/shame/sorrow, but the REAL emotion. Not just outburst of other emotions masking something else, but the REAL thing.

Why is it so hard to be truthful to the very person you love that has proclaimed his/her love to you? Oh, I know why, but why does it have to be that hard? Why do people create their own problems by making it hard to be truthful? Of course we want to avoid making our partners too worried, but isn't that the risk that they should bear when they vow their loyalty to us? And it's not like we will make them very worried deliberately, anyway. Shouldn't a relationship mean sharing happiness (thus doubling it) and burdens (thus halvening it)? If we really don't want to make other people worried and if we really don't wanna share our shame with them, we better just live alone, then. Then we'd be 'free' to hide everything and anything from anyone.

Shared burdens should ideally create more intimacy. Shared 'skeletons in the closet' should also ideally have the same effect. Of course you can't expect everybody to react the same, but if it's somebody you love and somebody who's vowed his/her love to you in front of God, then you SHOULD expect THAT at least. Why is it so hard to be truthful to someone who's vowed his/her love to you in front of God? Why do some people like to bear the burden themselves, thus creating a distortion in the dynamics of the relationship, even without their spouses' knowledge, yet still creating a distortion? What good is a distortion for you? Why do some people feel so reluctant to explain their feelings and thoughts? Maybe because we're mostly not born as good listeners, but wonderful talkers? Maybe so. Maybe people are afraid of not being heard and they're afraid of being misunderstood. Maybe so. Such a shame, though! Such a shame!

But why can't they try to make the other person understand? Why don't they try to make the other person understand? Sure it takes effort and courage and energy, but it IS worth it. Trust me, it IS! Maybe some people have a hard time understanding their own emotional ups and downs so that they don't even have a chance to share their feelings/thoughts with their loved ones. Then they should spend time and energy to dig deeply into themselves and get to know themselves better, THEN share who they really are with their loved ones, because it IS worth it. Of course we can't make someone else love us, but for those who really love us, when we show them our true colours and feelings and thoughts, that'll make it easier for them to love us even more deeply.

Don't be too caught up with life's tide that you forget to build intimacy with your loved ones OR even yourself!

Remember this:

A Present Day Truth (got it years ago from a forwarded email) --- oh now I know who wrote the original one: Dr. Bob Moorehead. For further info, go here: Paradox.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less;
we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time;
we have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;
we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
more leisure, but less fun;
more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, and more divorce;
of fancier houses, but broken homes.

It is a time when there is too much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom;
a time when technology can bring you this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference or just hit delete."

An Old Poem: Heaven and Hell of Love

Wrote this poem when I was desperately waiting for the authority to issue my residence permit (we were separated for around 4 months after Arttu flew back home to Finland after our wedding and honeymoon).

Heaven and Hell of Love

Heaven of love happens when the heart screams,
"I'm gonna tell the world how much I love him!!!"
"I can't believe how lucky I am to have him!!!"
"Marrying him is the best decision of my life!!!"
"I feel like home when being with him!"

"I love myself more when I am with him!"
"I love the way he makes me feel!"
"I love the way he smiles!"
"I believe our love is eternal!"
"I feel that we are so meant to be!"
"He brings out the best in me!"
"We are soulmates!"

Hell of love happens when the heart screams,
"I'm bleeding 'coz I can't see him, feel him, kiss him, hold him, touch him!"
"I'm desperate 'coz I can't give all my love to him!"
"Don't you know how much I love him?"
"Can't you see how much he means to me?"
"Why is life doing this to us?"
"This pain is almost unbearable at times, Yet we have to keep on fighting for love!"
"I want to teleport myself to him RIGHT NOW!"
"Gosh, how much longer do we have to wait?"
"For God's sake, kill us and let us haunt each other forever!"


Love is heaven and hell (on earth). Love is pure bliss and agony. Now I'm in the deepest chasm of hell. Misery is my company. Nobody understands this hell except the one I love, for he's also in the same hell. Agony becomes a companion I have to bear.

Written on Thursday, February 22, 2007

Thinking Blogger Award

Michelle (Crow's Feet and Kombai) has tagged me with Thinking Blogger Award for:

"managing to always make me feel good to be alive as well as make me think."

WOW! That's one of the best compliments I've ever received in my life. I'll cherish it for the rest of my life. THX SO MUCH for the privilege, M!!!

Now I have to choose 5 other blogs. Tough choice as I haven't really been here too long. Let's see...

1. Revelations for Life. He's really made me think HARD to answer his questions, even though sometimes I'm incapable of answering them. LOL!!!

Max's Blog. Max's written down posts that boil my blood (in a positive way). LOL!!!

3. Victorya Chase Goes to Therapy. It's honest, it's real, it makes me think of other things I know nothing about. She's strong, too! :-)))

4. Sweeter Than Ever! This one has strengthened me and reminded me to rely on Jesus through her own trials. Such an inspiration!

5. The Joy Box. This blog has lots of info about motherhood, raising kids, good books for kids, and more. I don't have kids yet but I LOVE reading about how other people raise their kids.

Boy, it took me SO LONG to pick he he he...PHEW!!!

The rules are -

Congratulations, you won a

Should you choose to participate, please make sure you pass this list of rules to the blogs you are tagging.

The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think

2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme

3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote (here is an alternative silver version if gold doesn't fit your blog).

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

3BT: June 20, 2007

1. Calling home and talking to Mom. Dad's finally home and Mom'll help him get back on his two feet. Funny thing is that the cane that I bought for Mom when she had trouble with her knee last year is now being used by Dad (thanks to glucosamine, Mom can now walk on her own two feet again).

2. Seeing the squirrel in the tree near our apt. building again. SO CUTE!!!

3. Reading this sentence in one devotional: We must experience our weakness to experience God’s strength.

Me, Myself, and I

Just wanna have fun in this post, so here goes:

1. I don't drive, I don't drink, I don't smoke. Well, I LOVE cider though (the one with alcohol percentage less than 1%).

2. I drool when I sleep. Have been drooling ever since I was a baby (even when I sleep with closed lips).

3. I LOVE Phantom of the Opera and someday I WILL watch the real opera show.

4. I know nothing much about anything. The more I see, hear, read, the more obvious it becomes. I've lived a sheltered life and it amazes me to see people who've gotten hurt so badly but they can be inspirations for others and they don't become bitter because of their experiences.

5. I LOVE picking the skin around the edges of my nails. My hubby's had a HARD time trying to stop me from doing it. *evil grin*

6. I had fleas in my hair when I was at 6th grade. YIKES!!!

7. My mother threw me out of the house when I was barely 4 years old. Reason? Because I was too fond of my neighbours. Back then there was a couple who had only two sons, so they spoilt me and their kids LOVED playing with me. Thus I kept on going to their house all the time. One time Mom got so upset so that she yelled at me, "Why don't you bring your pillow and move there?!?!?!" (side note: I don't remember this occasion, but my parents told me about it later on)

8. When I was still a toddler, I loved sneaking out of the house when my mother fell asleep as she was accompanying me to have my nap (yep, I'd climb on a chair and open the front door myself). My mother would freak out whenever she woke up and found out that I wasn't lying next to her. I must've been such a horror to my parents back then! LOL!!! My brother was the exact opposite of me, thank God!!! Whenever Mom fell asleep while accompanying him to have his nap, she'd wake up and find my brother playing with his toys next to her. Good boy! *grin*

9. I'm a bit obsessive-compulsive. I dislike any kind of smell on my fingers. For example: if I eat chicken or anything with my fingers and then wash my hands and still find them smelly, I'd keep on washing my hands until the smell is gone.

10. When I'm reading or studying or sleeping, I can't be accompanied by music as it'd REALLY distract me. Everything has to be quiet.

11. Fell down from Dad's motorcycle when I was around 7 years old. The motorcycle was parked in our yard and then I fell down head first (and lost consciousness right away). My Mom freaked out. She said that the sound was like a coconut falling from the sky. Back then we didn't have a car, so they rent a public transit car to get me to a doctor. Gladly at the doctor's, I could explain what had happened, so he said I would be fine. Some of my friends said that the fall had turned me into a crazy person. LOL!!! Maybe they're right. *grin*

12. I was pickpocketed once on a public transit when I was around 13 and after that I became more aware of my surroundings. Never been pickpocketed again after that. :-)))

13. I used to think I hated cooking. Why? Because my Mom's such a WONDERFUL cook and a SUPER FAST woman (she could cook 3 different things on 3 different stoves at the same time), so whenever I tried helping her when I was younger, she'd be mad at me for being slow or for not doing it the right way. Gladly now she's getting older, she's become more patient. :-)))

14. I used to be beaten when I got really naughty when I was a kid. I didn't consider it as an abuse, though. I was only beaten once every time I got naughty. As I got older, they resorted to talking to us, especially Mom. Mom's always been a bridge between me and my brother and the ever-conventional Dad and I'll ALWAYS thank her for that.

15. Used to be the "leader" of the girl gang on my alley. The guys would have their own gang and sometimes we'd "fight" playfully, kicking and hitting each other. But we never really injure anybody. It was just for fun.

OK, I guess that's enough. Better study Finnish again.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

3BT: June 19, 2007

1. The hospital'll release my Dad tomorrow morning. YAAAAYYY!!! Gladly his blood veins didn't burst. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!

2. Feather that my hubby and I use to tickle each other until we laugh like crazy.

3. Serenity after having more bloody battles inside my head today.

Personal Space: Midnight Sun Festival Experience

Last Friday my hubby took me out to bars as there was Midnight Sun Festival. It's the "biggest" party here in Sodankylä. Every year people from different countries flock here to enjoy Midnight Sun and the festival itself.

My hubby had sent me pics of himself enjoying Midnight Sun Festival, but I had NO idea how it would be like. When I first asked him about what people did on Midnight Sun Festival, he said, "Mostly they just drink and drink and drink." So obviously there are more people drinking than watching the movies!!! I was a bit anxious about it as I had never really seen drunk people too much and because I had never danced before in my life. I was confused when it was already 7 pm but we were still at home. I asked him when we would go there. He said, "Later. It's still too early." Turned out we went to his cousin's house first and there they drank a few cans of beer already (so that they didn't spend too much money on expensive beer at the bars/restos). Then there were some friends of his cousin's coming as well. In the end we went to the "party" at around 10 pm (read: we walked there).

Note that the temperature was around 13'C at that time and I was dressed for such temperature. My body's not totally used to the weather yet, and I "forgot" that during the night the temperature usually dropped down a few degrees. My bad!!! Mind you, having been a tropical girl all my life, it's still confusing for me to find the best combination of clothes to wear here.

So we went to one jam-packed resto and Arttu's cousin ordered drinks for us. We struggled to find a booth for us. The resto was a small one, so no wonder it was so jam-packed. I was hoping that I'd meet "my own kind" as Arttu's cousin said that there would be people from around the world. But no such luck. At least I didn't find any Asians there. The only other person who stood out was a black, tall guy. I felt SO tiny amongst the people there (yeah, my being only 145 cm squashed by people over 170 cm tall!). It was SO hard to see where I was going so I held on tightly to Arttu. He warned me not to get lost. LOL!!!

After some time we found a booth. There was this girl who was waiting for a friend, but she offered us some space near the wall, so I slid my butt to sit next to the wall and Arttu sat next to me and the girl sat next to Arttu. There was still some space left for the girl's friend. Then Arttu's cousin's girlfriend and friends sat in front of us. It was SO hard to talk, obviously, as there was a live band. Our drinks came (I ordered orange juice) and we just sort of enjoyed the music. The girl sitting next to Arttu started a conversation. Apparently she was from Helsinki.

Then the girl and her friend moved and there was an old (drunken looking) guy sitting next to Arttu. When he noticed me, he started shaking my hand and smiling like an idiot. (sorry for that term, I just can't help it, he freaked me out!!!) He talked a bit with Arttu and then he started reaching out for my hand again. After some time, he did it AGAIN and this time he said, "We are frrrriieenndd!" I was thinking to myself, "Yeah, right, you must be SO drunk that you don't even know who you're talking to." Then Arttu yelled at my ear, "He's attracted to you." YIIIIKKKKEEESSS!!! The old man must've been around 60 year old and I bet he was either so drunk or a bit lunatic. After we went home, Arttu said that the old guy kept on asking the same questions, so he must've been SO drunk indeed.

Then another guy sitting in front of us started asking questions to Arttu about me. I began to feel worried again. I don't like being in the spotlight. AT ALL. I tried my best not to look at any guy's eyes too long (a friend of mine once told me that it would be bad to look at guy's eyes too long), but I could feel that the guy kept on stealing glances at me. I was SO glad my hubby was with me. During that time, the crazy old man still tried to look me in the eye again and smiled and said, "We are frriiieeennnd" and tried to touch my hand. Then Arttu said to me, "I need to pee." I told him that I DID NOT want to stay there alone!!! He said, "I don't want to leave you alone." So I decided to go with him to the toilet, since I thought it'd be good for me to pee anyway.

When we got back from the toilet (there were long lines in front of the toilets), our seats were taken, so we just stood for a while. The guy who started asking questons to Arttu about me stood close to us and he started asking more questions. I was seriously beginning to feel more uncomfy. The thing is, it was noisy there, so in order to be able to talk properly, you have to yell near one's ear. And that made me feel as though my personal space was invaded. I'm not a touchy-feely person. I'm not used to hugging people or touching people or anything (in my family we don't hug), except to my hubby. The amazing thing was that even the first time we met in 2004, I could kiss him and hug him comfortably. I guess since we had had a heart-to-heart connection, I didn't feel as though he was invading my space by being near me.

Anyhow, Arttu said that we'd change bar, so we did. The guy followed us and then he walked next to me. It started to get more chilly back then, so I shoved my hands to my jacket pockets. He said to me that it must've been hard to get used to the cold weather. I didn't want to be rude, so I answered his questions politely, but I was also a bit afraid. I kept on thinking, "Are these guys drunk enough so that they don't even know what they're doing?"

In the second bar, at first Arttu and I sat on the bar stools. Arttu said that he was getting drunk. I've never been drunk before in my life, so I don't know how drunk he really was. He could still walk straight, though I noticed that he had silly grins on his face, so I thought he must be tipsy or something. Then the guy sat next to me and started asking more questions. Whenever he talked to me, he used English, but whenever he asked questions to Arttu, he used Finnish. Again I felt that my personal space was invaded because sometimes he had to lean close to me in order to hear my words and he had to lean close to my ear to ask me questions.

I guess I felt sort of out of place there. People came and then hugged one another and then socialized. I'm not used to that kind of "party". Being the only Asian didn't help make me feel better. I enjoyed the live music, but I just wished that I had been invisible, you know? The only reason I feel comfy going around town during regular days is because even though some of them may stare at me, I KNOW they won't approach and talk to me, so I feel safe. My personal space is not invaded.

I told Arttu after it was all over that I would NEVER go to bars alone. Good thing is that now the government has banned smoking in public places, including bars. YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!! I dislike coming home with the stench of smoke all over me! YIKES!!!

When the live band started playing music, I began to get worried again. I knew Arttu liked dancing, but I'd NEVER done it in front of other people in my whole life. He didn't push me, though, and I TRULY appreciated it. However I also didn't want him not to enjoy the party, so I told him I'd do it if they played slow music. So we did slow-dance. It felt great, though after one song, I began to feel dizzy. Dizzy because he twirled me around and round and round. I'm the kind of person who can get motion sickness easily (drat!!!), so maybe next time it'd be better for me to dance with fast music instead of slow music. Hmmm...we'll see.

Anyway, I got a bit sick at the end of the party, because I had worn the "wrong costume" and I had been sitting near the door (it was drafty). So Arttu and I went home earlier than his cousin and friends as I was really feeling bad (it was around 1.30 am). Plus it was FREEZING COLD when we walked home. The temperature had gone down to 5'C. I told myself that next time I should've put on more layers of clothes. When we got back home, I threw up. I told Arttu, "Ironic. You're the one who's drunk, but I'm the one who got sick." (side note: I can't stand windy weather, especially if my clothes aren't wind-proof enough)

So that's my first Midnight Sun Festival experience. Hopefully if we go there again next year, it'll be a better experience to remember.

Monday, June 18, 2007


Finished reading "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom today. I'd recommend the book to anyone, even though I'm more impressed with his "Tuesdays with Morrie". "Tuesdays with Morrie" left a HUGE impression on me as I read it when I was wondering about the very things that the book could answer for me in a realistic way (because the book was based on a real story).

Anyway, some parts of the book made me think of something: love or true love. What is true love?

I tried googling the question. Here are the things I find:

1. This one is shocking: Learn How to Understand Men - And Beat Them at Their Own Game. EEEHHHHHH??????????? Beat men at their own game? It only works if the women think that it's a game. Crazy world indeed.

2. Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action - true love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in truth.

I John 3:18 (NIV) ---- Taken from this site: What Is True Love?

But than what does real love look and feel like? Maybe it’s when two people seem to know each other for ages and even in their previous lives. They can go on talking and talking and conversation never lacks topics and never gets dull. Or people don’t have to say anything because they understand each other without words. And those moments, minutes and even hours of silence are never uncomfortable. True love is when partners complete one another, when they’re together it’s peaceful, the whole other world with it’s sufferings and problems doesn’t exist and nothing even matters.

True love means understanding. One trusts another more than him/herself and feels ready to satisfy every little need of a partner. Two people don’t stop for a second looking into each other eyes. Taken from this site: True Love.

This is what I found in Mitch Albom's "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven":

People say they "find" love, as it if were an object hidden by a rock. But love takes many forms, and it is never the same for any man and woman. What people find then is a CERTAIN love.

I kinda like the way he describes "love". Our own personal kind of love. What do YOU think? What's your take on love/true love? Feel free to share your own personal kind of love. :-D I LOVE LOVE stories! :-D

For me, love is a miracle. At least that's the case with me and my husband. I did have a "wrong" kind of relationship once but it helped me find out what I truly wanted in a relationship. Best of all, I found myself (again, in a deeper way - yep, silly me lost myself during the relationship) after it ended. Ever since I was a teenager, I always had some kinds of images (wishes) in my head about the kind of lifetime partner I wanted to have. Then along the years I added more and more points. By getting to know more people and finding out which ones pushed my buttons, I began to have a more specific list of what I wanted from my own lifetime partner. It never crossed my mind whether I was going to find that person or not. I just hoped and hoped and hoped and waited and waited. And right now I can say that he's more than what I ever hoped for. Why more? Because he's real. He's no longer JUST a list in my head. ^_______________________________^

3BT: June 18, 2007

1. GRAPES!!! Since I've been pretty thrifty with our grocery budget this month and since I saw grapes sold at a special price, I could buy grapes for us both (the first time I ever bought grapes for us since I moved here)!!! YIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPIIIIEEE!!! Each grape felt like heaven in my mouth. Mmmm...juicy and fresh!

2. Fruit candies! There is a kind of open market at the city centre today and I bought candies. Since I wasn't sure which types would be tasty, I picked three bags of different kinds of candies (they sold it at €2/bag, €5 per 3 bags). Thankfully the fruit candies were SOOOOO delicious!!! *drool*

3. Flowers everywhere (yeah, again as they're SO LOVELY!!!) and chicken and rice. Yep, I guess today my beautiful things consist of food, food, and food he he he...I can't help it! My belly's grinning VERY widely today. YUM, YUM, YUM!!!

I just HAVE to add one more today:

4. I'm reminded that God knows my name and He understands everything I'm going through. Moreover,

Matthew 10:30, “And even the very hairs on your head are numbered.” (NIV)

C.S. Lewis Quotations

Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one.
- C.S. Lewis. ---> clickable link of the site where I found it.

If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.
- C.S. Lewis.

Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.
- C.S. Lewis.

Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself. – The Problem of Pain
- C.S. Lewis.

“You will never know how much you believe something until it is a matter of life and death.” “If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad.” – God in the Dock, page 52.
- C.S. Lewis.

I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. – Mere Christianity, pages 40-41.
- C.S. Lewis.

I would LOVE to read his book: Four Loves. This is the excerpt of what one reviewer said about that particular book:
One basic principle of Lewis's work is the distinction between Need-love and Gift-love. The Need-love has to do, for Lewis, with "a craving to be loved," which is akin to a child's longing for the love of his parents'. Instead of disparaging this type of love as wholely selfish, Lewis describes how this type of love, while limited, is "the accurate reflection in consciousness of our actual nature." Lewis writes that "we need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves." Lewis acknowledges the human condition sympathetically. Gift-love, by contrast, has its ultimate expression in Christ's death on the cross. This is an active, selfless love. Lewis characterizes Gift-love in its ordinary expression as "that love which moves a man to work and plan and save for the future well-being of his family which he will die without sharing or seeing."
- vabrookreader "Jeff Hotz"

Sunday, June 17, 2007

3BT: June 17, 2007

1. Being understood. (If you've read my earlier post, you'll know that this means I'm experiencing a little piece of heaven on earth) And comforted by one of God's angels: M.

2. Flowers and more flowers growing on their own everywhere. They grow SO fast and they're SO LOVELY. I'll post my pics later on.

3. Being able to help someone via email by giving some info.

Here are the pics as I promised. Don't ask me the names of the flowers but if you know the names, do tell me. LOL! Click on the pics if you want to see bigger sizes. The pics were taken around my in-laws yard in Kelujärvi, Lapland.

Here're the chocolate balls I mentioned in my previous 3BT post. YUMMYYYYY!!! *drool*

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Judge Me If You Think You're Holy

Ever wished someone dead? I did. Twice. It's not something I pride in, but I just want to share it here.

Let me tell you the first time I had that wish. When I was in elementary school, my parents had a joint venture with someone and then the business went worse. They stopped doing the business and then Dad found a job through one of his cousins. This cousin also knew that someone who was my parents' business partner. This cousin gossiped about my Dad to this person and thus this person got mad. This person accused my Dad of such-and-such and then hit his face. At first I didn't understand what had happened. All I knew was that my parents came home crying. It was the first time I had ever seen my Dad cry. After I found out what the problem was, I knew that Dad wasn't crying because of the physical pain, but because of the betrayal, being accused of something he wasn't. I got SO angry at that time so I wished the perpetrator dead. I didn't understand yet that there was a third person who made the perp angry.

The second time I wished someone dead was yesterday. I felt like a total bitch. If you'd read my earlier post entitled "Dad", you'd known that my Dad's changed lately. Yesterday I asked my brother via SMS whether my Dad was still yapping and snapping at my Mom. My brother said that that day he got angry and he snapped at my Mom and made Mom cry (again, for the umpteenth time!). Since I'd always been closer to Mom (sometimes I feel bad for Dad as it seems he can't connect with his kids better than Mom does), there was one second that I felt a HUGE surge of anger. Being a woman, it's so much easier for me to understand Mom's pains. Well, I also know for sure that my brother is on Mom's side, as well. I know it's UNFAIR for Dad, but in a way he makes it hard for us to be on his side (even though he may not be able to help it).

Well, I cried as well because I could just feel Mom's pains. She'd been SO supportive to Dad. I know she has her faults, too, but still she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. NOBODY deserves to be treated that way. Another problem was that Dad couldn't say sorry without raising his voice. He's an emotional man and he sees things black-and-white and I guess his ego also prevents him from saying sorry calmly. I don't get it when I hear this sentence, "Love means never having to say sorry." For me, the ability to say sorry sincerely and calmly is crucial.

Anyway, that second I snapped and I thought that it'd be better if God took away my Dad. Then a second later I felt SO guilty that I prayed to God to take away my anger and to forgive me for having such a morbid thought. The truth is, I know that my Mom'll be able to live happily still without my Dad, but I'm not too sure that my Dad can live happily without my Mom.

I think I've also felt weird these past week ever since I heard the news about my Dad's symptom of stroke. I feel somewhat "guilty" because my life here is going on well and I'm enjoying my time with my husband, whereas my family in Bandung's going through such turmoil and I can't help much except just to pray for them. I feel somewhat bad to my brother as I can't help much, whereas he and his girlfriend had helped me before and on our wedding back in Indo. I feel also "guilty" if I don't enjoy my happiness here as it's God's blessing to me. I also feel guilty because I can't be there for my Mom. How do you feel happy and guilty at the same time? How do you balance the two? Should I feel guilty only when I think of them and then enjoy my life here when I'm not thinking of them? It's a weird mixture of emotions. I just hope that things would be better between my parents. My Dad wasn't always like this. There were times when they could laugh at something together until they both almost peed in their pants. I LOVED those moments so much!

Sigh...I guess this is one of my random posts. I was just thinking today that everybody needs angels. Angels can be in the form of strangers or anybody. A touch/word of grace, a touch/word of love, a touch/word of understanding, someone who listens, someone who cares, someone who makes a difference in your life, someone who enlightens you, someone who shows interest in you, someone who thanks you, someone who pats you on the back, someone who believes in you. Angels...I'm SO GLAD God has put His angels everywhere on earth.