Note: I've been struggling with this piece for a few months. I started it quite easily, but then I stopped halfway as it got very heavy on me and I kept avoiding it for a while (also because I had no idea how to end it). After finally continuing the piece, I wrote a different ending, but didn't feel it was the right one. I didn't want to leave it hanging, but didn't want a sickly sweet ending, either, so this was my final choice. This piece is inspired by an heirloom I received from my mother. She gave me and my brother's wife a similar kind of bracelet after we got married.
Her legs buckled. The soft, thick carpet softened her landing. She slumped back to the edge of the bed, needing support. A long, raw sigh was heard, then her lips began to tremble.
Why did I decide to do this bloody autumn cleaning? she groaned inside.
Her right hand was holding the family heirloom given by her mother. It was an old bracelet made of white and yellow gold with a classic side clasp. Yellow gold lined up the outer rings of the bracelet, whereas the middle part made of white gold had intricate leaf patterns carved into it. Nobody made that kind of bracelet anymore. Her mother had received it from her own mother. God knows where her grandmother had gotten it from, but one important fact remained: she was planning to give it to her own daughter or to her son's bride.
Except that there was never a child.
She hugged her knees, feeling a wave of pain bury her under. No time to escape. The wave came so fast and hit her like a ton of bricks. She squeezed her eyes shut as grief clenched its mighty fist around her heart, making it hard for her to breathe. Hot tears started rolling down her cheeks and soon her sobs broke the silence of the room. Her sobs rose to a crescendo and then she started wailing as the intensity of the pain only seemed to grow. She let out a loud cry of anguish as she looked up and opened her eyes. More wailing, more groaning, back to sobbing until finally the sobbing stopped even though the tears kept on coming.
She felt drained. She stayed there for a long time, going back and forth mentally from her inner self to her surroundings. The tick-tocking of the clock, the subsiding pain in her chest, the neighbour's dog barking outside, the salty taste of her tears, the absence of children in her house, the intricate patterns on the soft carpet, ghosts of self-pity that threatened to come out from the shadows, the annoying tick-tocking of the clock, back to the hollowness inside. Then she hit the brake, wiped her face with the right sleeve of her shirt, and summoned her logic.
"What is the biggest lesson that you've been learning so far?" her logic asked.
"Letting go," she answered.
"And that is what you shall learn again, my dear."
Forty six years later...
I have been living here in this antique shop for a few years, waiting
for my new owner to come and get me. Until then, I'm going to make the
best of my time here surrounded with many other antique friends, talking
about our previous owners and their lives.
Note: This is my own reflection of the past and it has nothing to do with anybody I know here in Sodankylä.
There are a few types of "I Knew It" moments. One of them is the type when you're supposed to guess something that is of neutral or positive nature and you feel giddy with excitement when you blurt those words out. So you are right after all! YYYYEEESSSS!!!
Unfortunately, there are moments when you feel sad when you say those words. Those moments when you felt that there was something wrong at the back of your mind, yet you thought you were making it up. Then after a while, you found proof and your heart was broken. You felt betrayed and angry and stupid at the same time. You thought to yourself, "How could I have been so blind? I knew it already ever since a while ago, yet I was in denial."
There are also those moments when you could somehow feel that something bad would happen to someone you care about, yet you still hoped that things would turn out for the best. This is the type of moment when you don't want to say it or even think about it. You feel like you wanted to turn back time for that person's sake.
On the other hand, people make choices all the time and it's not your responsibility to shoulder the consequences of their choices. Sometimes you make choices you know you'll regret or choices that ask you for such a high price, yet you still take it. Only you yourself can decide whether to keep on walking on that particular road or not. Sometimes things change for the better even while you're walking still on that particular stretch of road, sometimes not.
Other times you change your attitude and perspective and you and your companion(s) make certain changes while you're on that particular road and that makes a HUGE difference. The air feels fresher and your burden feels lighter because of that. Other times you just need to get as far away from that road as possible and make a new start.
Some roads aren't as easy to get away from, as it involves many factors and people. As much as happiness is all in your mind, when you're stuck in a surrounding that makes it so hard for you to feel it, I suppose only God's grace is sufficient for you. Only His compassion and comfort would be enough to fill you up in exchange of sorrow and frustration.
And hopefully along the way there will come open doors of wonderful opportunities like a chest of treasure lying there or hidden somewhere behind the clump of bushes, waiting for you to pick...
