Thursday, June 04, 2009

Baring My Soul: The End of One Year

Today while cleaning the house, I realized I had my period again. This marks the end of one year of TTC (trying to conceive). I told hubby that we should contact the doctor right after we get back from our holiday in Rhodes to get us checked up.

This year has been pretty crazy. At first I didn't want to share it here in this blog because it'd make me sound insane and pathetic, but now I realized that I should share not only the good parts, but also the not-so-good parts of my life.

Last year when we started not using condoms, we were both rather scared of the thought of my becoming pregnant, though the idea also sounded exciting. As months went by without any sign of pregnancy, our desire to have a baby got stronger and stronger (my mind also started to spin more and more imaginations about what the baby would look like, etc.). It got into the climax when I'd cry my eyes out when I had my period and asking God, "Do You think that we're going to be such bad parents or something that You haven't trusted us with a child yet?"

Yep...that kind of blaming self-pity game. It got worse when I even blamed myself for feeling pity for myself, considering the fact that I had been given SO MANY blessings in my life. But still I couldn't deny the fact that I felt sad and disappointed.

It's really tough when your desire to have a child has grown so much so that every month your brain "plays tricks on you". I tried to put a brake on my desire and focus on other things, but the climax happened anyway. Denying my feelings would be like trying to ignore a bleeding part of me. It just wouldn't do. I wouldn't be able to heal without acknowledging my bleeding self. I just had to "mourn the loss of the possibility of not being able to have a baby that month" - no matter how weird it sounds.

Right now I'm on my anti-climax, so even when I got my period today, I didn't cry and didn't yell at God. Ever since the climax, I had been asking God to give me the "serenity to change the things I can't change"...and the prayer must have worked! :-D

When talking to hubby about checking ourselves up, I can't help feeling a bit scared of knowing what the results will be like, even though I know there might be a chance that there's absolutely nothing wrong with both of us (just like my friend's case). But anyway, we'll just see how it goes...

The good thing is that during our Rhodes trip, I can eat and drink anything I want to without worrying whether I may be pregnant or not he he he he he...So, Rhodes, here we come!!! We should start packing today. I may write tomorrow or not...if not, then see you after we get back from Rhodes!!! I promise to take LOTS and LOTS of pictures he he he he he...


  1. Serenity! Have a good trip, and come back rested and bahagia :)

  2. Rita: THANK YOU!!! I'm bahagia right now too he he he...

  3. Amel, it's really a good idea to go to Dr. There's so many things that could prevent a couple from having a kid and many of them can be solved so that you CAN HAVE KIDS.

    There's one other thing that I noticed. With MB & I, we had a very hard time having a child at first. We had to use an ovulation kit, we had to see a Dr. She finally got pregnant, but then had a miscarriage.
    HOWEVER, after that point, we had no problem having kids. After our 1st child, we never used an ovulation kit and our last child, Brianna, was not planned.
    So, what I'm telling you Amel is that you may have more difficulties but it's possible that once you have 1 child, it will be easier for you to have more kids. I can't say that with certainty, but I do hope you are able to have kids.
    You would be a GREAT Mom.

  4. Hmmm...maybe you'll conceive your baby in Rhodes!! =D You are on my prayer list!

  5. Vince: THANK YOU for sharing your story! Very encouraging! Having a miscarriage must be quite a sad event, though...And yeah, we also used ovulation kits for the past 2 months.

    THANK YOU for your kind words, too!!! :-))))

    Shinta: THANK YOU for your prayer!!! But my ovulation day would come only after we get back home from Rhodes he he we'll see if and when God trusts us to be parents. :-D

  6. Oh, Amel... I understand what you mean. I hope you'll do as plan, go and see the DR. and don't think too much about it now... Just enjoy your trip to Rhodes. :) I pray for good news. :)

  7. You are very young so you have plenty of time to try to conceive. I agree with your friend above, maybe Rhodes ;)

    Enjoy your trip!!

  8. There are many way to be pregnant, amel...just go to the doctor for check up...

  9. Choc Mint Girl: THANKS!!! Don't worry, I'm not thinking too much about anything except the trip he he...

    La Delirante: I'm already 30 going on 31 this year he he he...

    Jeanne: Yes, we're def going to see the doctor! :-D

  10. You feel sad because you have expected it to happen. So it is ok to feel sad given the circumstance.

    Meanwhile, have a great trip.

  11. Yes, I understand...I am having the same concerns actually. I am almost 29 but we are still young girl :) My doctor (gyne) told me that even 34 is still a good age :) but yes, I understand that some people prefer to have kids when they are younger.

    Anyway, good luck Amelia and have a lovely trip :)

  12. There could be so many reasons why you have yet to conceive. The added anxiety and stress is not exactly helping things either. Maybe a vacation is just what the doctor ordered. A chance to relax and just enjoy yourself...who knows! Sometimes you have to let go and Let God.

  13. Maybe just take your mind off this for a while and just let things happen. Enjoy your holiday and have a relaxed time. Enjoy each other and let nature take its own course.

    I have known of couple who suddenly conceive after several years of trying, so don't be disheartened.

  14. Mother Hen: THANK YOUUUUU and yeah, the lost expectation made me feel sad he he...

    La Delirante: Yeah, I understand what you're saying from your blog post about this topic, too...but we've already planned to have one and we've already moved to a bigger place to prepare ourselves for kids and we have spare money for kids. So it's just the waiting...

    Bogey: Yeah, I know, but once you plan on having a kid it's not easy to "forget" 'coz you do have to know when you're ovulating so that you have the best chance to get pregnant. But anyway, I've let go now that the climax is we'll see. :-)))) THANKS for your support!!!

    Blur Ting: I'm cursed and blessed with a good memory about many things (not everything, but still) it's so hard to try to keep my mind off something once I'm set to do it...this month has been easier to forget about baby-making 'coz the climax was gone already and 'coz I was also busy with work and job interview and our Rhodes trip. :-))))

    I hope we don't have to wait for several years before we can have a baby, but we'll see...we don't really have control over this. Right now my focus is just enjoying all the good and wonderful things in my life and forgetting about what I don't have yet. :-))))

    THANKS for your support!!! :-D

  15. Girl,

    Chill...everything will happen in the proper time :)! When you less expect it...there you are: pregnant! :D