Today while cleaning the house, I realized I had my period again. This marks the end of one year of TTC (trying to conceive). I told hubby that we should contact the doctor right after we get back from our holiday in Rhodes to get us checked up.
This year has been pretty crazy. At first I didn't want to share it here in this blog because it'd make me sound insane and pathetic, but now I realized that I should share not only the good parts, but also the not-so-good parts of my life.
Last year when we started not using condoms, we were both rather scared of the thought of my becoming pregnant, though the idea also sounded exciting. As months went by without any sign of pregnancy, our desire to have a baby got stronger and stronger (my mind also started to spin more and more imaginations about what the baby would look like, etc.). It got into the climax when I'd cry my eyes out when I had my period and asking God, "Do You think that we're going to be such bad parents or something that You haven't trusted us with a child yet?"
Yep...that kind of blaming self-pity game. It got worse when I even blamed myself for feeling pity for myself, considering the fact that I had been given SO MANY blessings in my life. But still I couldn't deny the fact that I felt sad and disappointed.
It's really tough when your desire to have a child has grown so much so that every month your brain "plays tricks on you". I tried to put a brake on my desire and focus on other things, but the climax happened anyway. Denying my feelings would be like trying to ignore a bleeding part of me. It just wouldn't do. I wouldn't be able to heal without acknowledging my bleeding self. I just had to "mourn the loss of the possibility of not being able to have a baby that month" - no matter how weird it sounds.
Right now I'm on my anti-climax, so even when I got my period today, I didn't cry and didn't yell at God. Ever since the climax, I had been asking God to give me the "serenity to change the things I can't change"...and the prayer must have worked! :-D
When talking to hubby about checking ourselves up, I can't help feeling a bit scared of knowing what the results will be like, even though I know there might be a chance that there's absolutely nothing wrong with both of us (just like my friend's case). But anyway, we'll just see how it goes...
The good thing is that during our Rhodes trip, I can eat and drink anything I want to without worrying whether I may be pregnant or not he he he he he...So, Rhodes, here we come!!! We should start packing today. I may write tomorrow or not...if not, then see you after we get back from Rhodes!!! I promise to take LOTS and LOTS of pictures he he he he he...