Dad's Request

Sorry for my absence. I'm still battling my flu and have been taking naps every day. I have a long list of blog posts to read, but haven't had the energy to do so, but I promise I'll blog-hop when I feel more energized. Still no appetite yet. No fever (haven't had a fever in a LONG time), but I still get tired, my head is still weird (every now and then a headache appears), and my body still produces lots of mucus. Yuck! 

Anyway, during my time in Bandung my mother told me a story that I hadn't heard about my dad. In 2007, when my brother was preparing for his wedding, my dad had a stroke and had to be taken to hospital. My brother was stressed out because he and his bride were saving money for their wedding party. We are thankful for my brother's church friends who collected money to help pay out the hospital cost, lightening my brother's burden at that time. 

Apparently after my dad got back home, he wrote a letter to God (literally wrote a letter), saying that if he could just ask for one thing, he would ask for a little bit more time. My dad was going to be 65 at the end of 2007 and he asked God to give him at least until 70 because he wanted to be able to see a grandchild and spend time with him/her.

My brother's wife gave birth to a boy in 2008 and in 2012 my dad passed away a few weeks after his 69th birthday. Prior to his passing, he was determined in talking to as many people as possible in wedding parties and other events that he could participate in (something that wasn't his usual habit). Needless to say my eyes got wet when I heard this story. :-)

P.S. Almost forgot one incident that happened in Singapore airport. We were queueing in front of the immigration counter and near the area there was an old Chinese guy (an airport worker) asking people whether or not they had the immigration form (making sure that each passenger had filled it up). For some reason the guy reminded me of my dad in his old age (it's only natural as they're both Chinese, I suppose) and I started feeling tears welling up. Rest in peace, dad. I love you!

Rethinking Miracles

When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen. 

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings. 

When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"

Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president. 

Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"

You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.

So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.

3BT: Random Days

1. Me: "Am I good?"
Hubby: "Yep."
Me: "Am I bad?"
Hubby: "Yep."
Me: "So what am I then?"
Hubby: "Perfect." 
Me: SUPER WIDE GRIN HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHH...(didn't expect him to say that at all, making it all the more sweet!) 2. Feeling like I am a very funny person when I'm with hubby. In the outside world, I don't feel that I'm this funny.

3. We watched Despicable Me 1 and 2 and then hubby said that Agnes reminded him of me in some ways HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Now every time I do something that reminds us of Agnes, we both grin at each other LOL LOL!!!

4. Watching this beautiful performance. I can't believe the cyr wheel feels like the extension of her body. AMAZING!!!


5. Reading this article: Confronting The Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.

6. This beautiful quote:

At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as friends deserted me - some because they cared about me and it hurt them to see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability, and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel better, they sat in silence (much better than saying, "You'll get over it," or "It's not so bad; others have it worse") and I loved them for it.

- Harold Kushner, Living a Life that Matters

7. Finding these quotes:

Happy New Year, people! Wishing you all a year filled with all the things you need and some nice extra surprises along the way he he...

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Wet Christmas + Letter Update

I worked on Christmas eve and after that we went to get MIL and then we went to the graveyard. The temperature was still below zero that day (but not too cold), so Winter Wonderland was still intact. We lit some candles in front of FIL's graves and MIL brought some leaves to decorate it. Here are some pictures taken in the new cemetery and the old cemetery. There were lots of people and there were already so many candles everywhere. 

 

Christmas Day was really wet. Until today the temperature has been above 0'C, so it's been really slippery and wet out there. What a weird end of the year! So much of the snow has melted away and it gets SO dark outside. If the weather prediction is right, the temperature will be below zero again only after New Year. We shall see about that. This is my first time experiencing December like this (including some watery rain). Usually at this time of the year there's at least as much snow as in the photos above.

Anyway, I had a funny story from work. I had an evening shift on 23rd and before work started, I had told myself to remember saying "Hyvää Joulua" (Merry Christmas) at the end of each transaction. OK, so everything went well for a few hours until one time I was serving a guy and after that I said, "Kiitos (thank you)" but instead of saying Merry Christmas, I said "Hyvää viikonloppua" (Have a good weekend) instead. Yep, I managed to wish someone a good weekend on a MONDAY!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Well, at least my mistake managed to make the guy and the customer behind him smile. LOL LOL!!! 

Anyway, I had fun again tricking hubby with the Christmas gift. This time I wrapped one of the gifts three times with some wrapping paper (it wasn't a big gift, so I didn't have to use too much paper) and then I wrapped it with some bubble wrap and then I put it inside a bigger box along with the other gift and then I wrapped it with some wrapping paper again. Watching him struggle to be able to see what was inside the gift was WORTH IT! WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :-D :-D :-D

In this post I'd also like to say that I've finally written down the letter for my mom. It was bittersweet to write. I ended up writing a 4-page MS Word document (plus one paragraph on the 5th page with font size 12 Times New Roman). I know it's going to be overwhelming for her to read, but I want her to know what we've been through because I hope that she'll take comfort in the knowledge that God has healed our bleeding wounds and dried them up and He has used our pains to comfort others in a similar situation. So PRAISE THE LORD for our infertility!!! 

I haven't heard anything from my mom yet, but I know she needs time to digest everything and calm herself down (bro said that she was crying after reading the letter). Bro helped me explain to her what kind of support I needed from her - bless him! I've sent her a text to let her know that she's appreciated and loved. I hated the fact that I had to send the letter (I thought about it for weeks before finally writing it down), but I feel that it's important for us both that she knows how far we've come. I want her to be released from the burden of thinking and praying for our miracle pregnancy, because that's not what we want anymore. We've buried that dream and I want her to do the same. I want her to be happy for our little family.

Prayers

I believe in the power of prayers. Even though we may not get the answer we want, prayers do have the power to change us. It's like the moment one's soul is connected to God, despite the storms around the physical self, suddenly the soul is surrounded by this supernatural halo that enables one to feel peace beyond understanding. Imagine the invisible protective shield covering a spaceship in sci-fi movies. Just like that. Except that the protective shield is an impenetrable one. Not even your worst enemy can break it down, because it's God's. Imagine the soul coming out of the body and then an angel comes out to embrace it, to protect you. Like feeling God's embrace and then hear Him say, "Trust me. I know what I'm doing. I understand your pain." 

And even though your physical self can still be battered and bruised from all the storms around you and even though the situation may not change just yet, when the soul comes back and rejoin the physical self, you begin to see things anew. It's like you're given a new set of lenses or glasses in which to see the world. And that's when the miracle begins.  

Not by your might, but by God's might. And all for His glory. 
 


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Midsummer Weekend

Spent Midsummer in Kelujärvi with the family. Amazed at the fast growth of the wild flowers in the field. I tried walking through the wild flower field to get closer to some birds, but found it tough to do. They reached up to my calf and some were even came higher than my knees. It was wonderful to see the different colours of flowers and different types of leaves and stalks and branches in a huge field. Have you ever tried touching the flowers and the stalks and leaves, tracing them with your fingertips in order to feel their textures? I've just recently tried doing so and I find it fascinating. It's a whole different thing compared to just admiring them by sight. The Lord is such a magnificent artist to be able to create all of them in their separate glories...my goodness what beauty!

It became even more beautiful with the lack of traffic sounds. The orchestra of the singing birds could be heard from far away without any distraction. It was such bliss to be able to sit down on the porch stairs and tilt my head backwards to watch the clouds rolling above in the sky. And when it got rainy outside, I could still enjoy watching the lovely butterflies in the field from the huge living room window. There were so many tiny fluttering wings out there that you could just not miss them! Amazing! 

It rained during the night last night and when I peeked outside before I went to bed, I was awestruck with the sight of those translucent natural pearls sitting on top of the leaves and flower petals. It made me want to sing this song. Praise the Lord for the wonders of His creation!
 

3BT: Random Days

1. A customer bought a few stuff but then realized that she had 30 cents less than what she had to pay. When I was asking her what item she wanted to take out, the guy behind her immediately said, "Don't take anything. Here, let me just give you 30 cents." The woman thanked him profusely. :-D

Sure it wasn't a big amount of money, but not everyone would do that and it's lovely to witness something like that. :-D

2. My first batch of summer holiday is coming soon and we're going on a week cabin trip. WOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Can't wait!!! :-D

3. Thankful that in this tough economy, we still have jobs and we're still able to do some budget trips on our holidays. 


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4. My BPPV symptoms have been much less and less severe in a short amount of time and I'm even thinking of exercising again. My body's itching for a real exercise. Here's to regaining health!!! :-D

5. A friend's dad's bypass surgery went very well and it seems that so far the recovery period has been well, too. HALLELUJAH!!!!

6. Reading this prayer that I found accidentally:

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
 

7.  Small epiphanies that allow me to understand some things even better than before. I cherish them with all my heart! :-D

8. Hubby for making me laugh a lot 'coz of his antics. :-D 

Addition: Just had a full blown exercise - sweating and all that. Now I feel VERY VERY fresh. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Feels WONDERFUL to be able to exercise again. :-D 

Online Persona

Every now and then I get a bit worried about what other people perceive as my "persona" through my blogs. I remember when I met one blogger friend, she told me afterwards that she had expected me to laugh more "loudly" and more often like my writing style in my blog posts, 'coz I write "HA HA HA HA HA..." a lot he he he he he...---> see? :-D

In real life I'm not like that, though of course it depends on  the occasion and who you are to me. I think maybe in the blogosphere I'm more free to "unleash" my inner child, the persona that is available to those people who're very close to me. In real life when I meet strangers I'm more reserved, whereas I've been told of how "warm" and "happy-go-lucky" I seem to be as my blogger persona.

I remember one person once commented that it didn't cross her mind that I could be cranky (when I wrote in that particular blog post that I had been cranky). Oh, Arttu has often seen my cranky side (poor honey!), but he's bared each and every episode like a trooper he he he he he....Bless him!!!



One of Arttu's acquaintances once told me that I seemed to be wary when I met new people (he said he didn't know if it had to do with Indo culture or if it was just my personality), that I didn't let people in too quickly/too close. Well, that was probably also 'coz we met in a bar when hubby and his brother wanted to hang out there a few years back, so of course I was wary about meeting people there 'coz I didn't want strangers touching me while they were drunk, even if the strangers were my hubby's acquaintances (for example). Not that anyone was touching me, mind you, but let's just say that I was more wary of meeting people in a bar versus meeting them in a family party for example.

I was far more reserved when I was in Indo, but after moving to Finland I've learnt to be more open and more active in talking to people (things I wouldn't have dreamed of doing back in Indo). Probably because I do feel more need to build my "web of relations" here compared to when I was in Indo. In fact, I think in the beginning I was SO desperate, esp. when I was staying at home most of the time. Thus began the very active blogging period he he he he he he...I remember during that time I could write three or more posts within a day LOL!!!!

Anyway, I know that people probably know that there is a difference (or differences) between online images versus real life images, because after all what you see is only a small part of a person's life, but I guess I just want to talk about this matter anyway once and for all he he he...and I do try to incorporate as many sides of me as possible in my blog posts, though I think I tend to separate my infertility posts in my other blog because it's more practical that way. I find that the readers of this blog aren't the same as the readers of my infertility blog, so you may find other aspects of myself in that blog compared to this one.


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I'm jumping towards a different topic now...it's about my benign vertigo. Two days ago R2 bought me a pair of Sea Bands (anti motion sickness bands) and I tried them at home. They helped me in stopping the nausea, though I still felt some dizziness (still feel some dizziness until now).

Yesterday at work I wore them all the time and I did feel more dizziness while being at the cashier 'coz I had to move around my head more often, but at least no nausea and I could survive until the end of my shift. Phew!!! :-D And I'm SO THANKFUL that the training that I was scheduled for next week is postponed (just found out about it yesterday). I was rather worried about it due to condition and a rather hectic schedule if the training wasn't postponed. THANK GOD!!! :-D

Six Years' Recap

I forgot to write a post last Friday, but then again I had work last weekend. Anyway, last Friday marked my 6th year in Finland. A LOT has happened since I first moved here. Can't believe that in summer I'll have worked in my current workplace for 3 years already!!! Of course it doesn't really feel that way 'coz I work part-time, but still time flies so fast!!!

The first time I visited Finland, I chose March due to some reasons. The first one was 'coz I wanted to see snow, but I didn't want to experience the dead of winter 'coz I knew it'd be too rough on my body if I had to go out when it was way too cold. Besides, in March there's already plenty of sunlight to enjoy compared to the dead of winter. Secondly, I wanted to celebrate R2's birthday. 

When I moved to Finland, I wanted to do it as fast as possible after our wedding in November, but alas...life had other plans for us. I was told to apply for my residence permit from Indonesia (my tourist visa application was denied), so I couldn't possibly know for sure when I'd be able to move to Finland. I was secretly hoping I could celebrate Arttu's birthday again and it did happen!!! The minute I got news that my residence permit was final already, I went to a travel agency to buy a one-way ticket to Finland. WOOOHHHOOOOOO!!!! :-D

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R2 finally got a permanent job again after I moved to Finland, so that was such a HUGE relief at that time. For me personally, the first three years were mostly adjustment, adjustment, adjustment. Learning, learning, learning. Adapting, adapting, adapting, trying to find my place, getting lost and depressed in the process...I can't say I know everything there is to know about Finland (or at least this village) yet, but at least I've gotten used to the customs here. I can't tell you how thankful I am that I'm able to be an active part of society. Never in a million years did it ever cross my mind that I would be able to get a permanent job this fast (and in such a crazy way)!!! Do you know that statistics say that in average expats get proper jobs on their fourth year in Finland?

Over the years I've met SO MANY wonderful people who've helped me along the way...many of them aren't people I know in real life, but blogger friends, so I'm also very grateful for all the encouragement and support. For their open hearts and ears, for the time they spend reading my posts...and at different training places as well as my current workplace, I've also met so many lovely people who've given me verbal support, so for that I can only say THANK YOU ALL and GOD BLESS YOU!!!

On a slightly sad note, though, our baby dream has died, BUT after having decided to surrender to life without kids, I think we've healed leaps and bounds compared to the years when we were still trying to conceive, so I call that a HUGE progress (and our marriage is still intact HALLELUJAH)! :-D Although I'm realistic enough to know that I won't be 100% healed, but being 90-99% healed is MUCH better than being 50% healed he he he...


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Anyway, when we first bought this house, we were still thinking about kids, so we have a spare bedroom. One lovely thing about having a spare bedroom is that whenever I have a very early shift after some days off (read: when I'd stay up late!!!), I can sleep in the other bedroom so that Arttu's snores won't bother me. His snores don't bother me on regular days, BUT if I'm so tensed about having to go to bed early (after having stayed up late for a few nights before then), it's harder to sleep without waking up over and over again because I'm afraid of not being able to get up in time for work, so my brain gets kinda worked up over the smallest noises (I set my mobile phone alarm to wake me up).

What else has happened? Well, my Dad has passed away, but I'm glad he didn't have to suffer long at all. Although it was hard on my family esp. that he was gone "too fast", but most people can't/don't exactly choose how they're gonna go anyway. And despite the fact that he's gone, our family has gotten bigger with the birth of my bro's first son (which R2 and I were luckily able to "witness" during our trip to Indo a few years ago) and then his second child is coming sometime this year, so it's exciting news!!! :-D

Anyway, today I just want to give THANKS to God for all the ups and downs I've experienced during the course of 6 years...thankful for this gift of life...This one's for you, My Lord!!! "Hatiku Percaya" or "My Heart Believes".

A Thankful Heart

Yesterday a contractor came by our house to check out our roof. Last spring we noticed that it was leaking a little in some parts, but the timing just wasn't right. We contacted a contractor online (there's no local one) to visit us to give an estimate on the renovation, but he was in the vicinity during our holiday abroad, so we couldn't meet and he didn't contact us again afterwards. 

After that we tried to use an online calculator to get a rough estimate on how much it would cost and thought that it'd probably be better to start saving for that purpose before contacting another contractor. We figured that by now we should have more or less enough money for the renovation to commence without having to get another loan from the bank ('coz we still have to pay out our house loan each month anyway). 

Anyway, yesterday the guy measured the roof and checked out everything that he needed to check. It was tough to go up to the roof and measure the roof because there's still plenty of snow up there. After that, we discussed the options and he showed us the kinds of things that he'd do and stuff like that. When he was calculating the cost, I was really anxious and worried. I HOPED that it wouldn't be over budget he he he he...and my hope came true!!! I wanted to shout out in JOYYYYYYYYY right then and there, but I kept quiet LOL!!! 

After he left, R2 and I were both smiling happily 'coz we realize we can get a new roof without having to get a loan from the bank. 

HALLELUJAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :-D

It's gonna be interesting to see how the renovation is like (we were shown pics on what would happen) he he he...

Next project is saving money to change some of the old windows. Some of the windows of this house were still based on the original house design back in the 50's, so we want to change them as well because it's much easier to clean the new type of windows compared to the old ones. :-D 

I just want to THANK GOD for everything - for this house, for our jobs, for enabling us to save money...
 

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RIP My Friend

I'd like to light a virtual candle for a friend of mine who passed a way due to asthma a few days ago. She was a close friend of mine in elementary school, though after that we went our separate ways. It was really shocking to hear about her passing because I never knew she had asthma. Another friend in FB wrote about her passing and I was really shocked because it all happened so quickly. And I heard that she'd been preparing for her wedding this year. Can't imagine how the groom-to-be must feel...ugh...



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I remember that she and I used to write letters to each other when we got separated into different classrooms in fourth grade. Her aunt and my Mom used to pick us up from school, so we would ask them to give the letters back and forth. I don't remember anymore what we "talked about" in the letters, but I don't think this practice lasted very long.

In sixth grade we were finally in the same class again and we used to join in with another girl if there were any group tasks we had to do. Unfortunately we went to different schools after that, so we kinda lost contact with each other. We met again somewhere along the line, though the last time was probably a few years before I moved to Finland (so already a decade ago or so). A few years ago when I visited my hometown and organized a small gathering with my ex elementary school friends, she couldn't come because the date coincided with her brother's wedding and she had to help out, so she couldn't come. Just a few days prior to hearing about her passing, I was determined that the next time I visited Indo again, I just HAD to meet her. Well...not a chance now, unless after God calls me back home, too. 

But anyway, rest in peace, dear Devianne...may the Lord comfort all the bereaved... 

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. - Psalm 34:18 

Stoplights

Dunno where to start. I've been silent mainly because of some news I heard about a friend who's fallen ill. At first it seemed to be a regular illness, but then it was discovered to have been an autoimmune disease. This kind of news is jarring enough to make me feel like I'm at a stoplight. The world is still moving at its own pace around me, but I'm focused on the red light that may change the whole world for my friend. 

When I finally let the light turn green again, it felt weird. Somewhere out there right at this moment someone is laughing, another is crying, another gives birth, another loses a loved one, another is thinking of suicide, another is enjoying a honeymoon, another is having a promotion, another loses a job...We'll never know what will happen to us next. 

Being childless-not-by-choice, I've sometimes thought about how we'll end up in the future and trying to "see" too far ahead is totally scary, especially if I wonder who's gonna fight for my right when I'm too old and sick to be able to do it for myself (read my post on Mercy). It's better to just focus on the present, make the best of what we have right now than feeling worried about what may not actually happen. 

After IF, I don't even dare talk about miracles to my friend. If God wills, He can erase her illness, but many times God doesn't work that way. It doesn't matter anymore why God chooses to act a certain way or why He doesn't help us the way we want Him to. What matters most is that I know He knows best and He cares and He will give enough grace and peace beyond understanding in whatever circumstances one has to face if one believes in Him and asks for it. 

This is the prayer I sent to my friend..
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Funny November + 3BT: Random Days

I've been busy and have been getting a bit of a cold again, so haven't been writing here nor have I had a chance to blog-hop. This year is a funny November. Usually October is the yuckiest month of winter when the temperature still gets a little bit over and under zero, so the accumulated snow melts and refreeze and then there's new snow coming in and then it melts again, but this year this all happened in November. However, now it seems that it's gonna be much colder this week. So overall this November has been very warm compared to the previous years.

A week ago it was really dangerous 'coz the thick snow melted and even our yard became like a skating rink. My customers had been saying to me how slippery it was outside. Some got really sad 'coz almost all the snow melted by then and there was brownish, yucky, wet snow on the side of the streets. Those who loved White Christmas just groaned in sight of all those yuckiness he he he...Thankfully the other day it snowed again. It wasn't too much, but enough to cover up all the dirt he he...Now that the weather has gotten much colder all of a sudden, it's actually better this way. If we had lost all the snow, it'd been SO dark here, especially next month.


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Work is going to get busy again next month because one coworker has resigned and another one is currently sick. Dunno how hectic it's gonna be, but there will sure be changes to all of our work schedules. We shall see.

Yesterday R2 came back home from work in a very agitated state, asking me if there was a package for him. I said no. He had been waiting for the package already the day before. Then he found out that it had arrived already, so he went back to the PO to get it. I got a hunch that it must've been my bday present hi hi hi hi...so when he got back home, I asked him, "Is the package THAT important that you just had to get back out to get it right away?"

He said yes with a huge grin, then told me NOT to touch the package at all. And he proceeded in wrapping it up in another room HA HA HA HA HA HA...Can't wait to open it!!! :-D

Here is my 3BT list:

1. Last night I told hubby, "You're the best gift God's ever given to me." And he squeezed me tightly in response. :-D

2. A customer said, "My cat loves Gotler ham so much so that it wouldn't eat anything else but that." LOL!!! Never heard of such a thing before! She made me laugh!

3. Still a few customers said, "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in a long time." It's good to be missed hi hi...

4. The machine got jammed at one point, so had to wait for a few minutes and there were a few people in line already (but they were all old people). One of them kept on joking with me during the whole wait, making the wait much more bearable. :-D THANK GOD for patient people who do have a good sense of humour! :-D

Limitations

When I first started working in my current workplace, I was really unsure about my ability. The only thing that made me even think of sending an application there was the words someone said to me. She said she believed I was ready to work in a place like that. She was helping us at the Finnish course. She taught us how to send applications, how to make a CV in Finnish and how to find jobs online and things like that. Without her encouragement, I don't think I would have found the courage to send the application letter. :-D

Another thing I was unsure about was the fact that I wasn't a people person and I had zero experience in the field. Would I survive in that kind of environment? On the other hand, I wanted to be able to use my Finnish actively so that it wouldn't get rusty. The first few months in my current workplace were rough. I was really wondering whether or not I should continue. I wasn't even sure that they'd renew my contract (the first contract was only for 3 months). After getting the permanent job contract, I was thinking that I would only be able to continue working in this kind of place for 2 years max. Seriously.

Until I started getting to know the workplace, my workload, and the product range better. Until some customers started giving me feedback that made me believe that this was/is the right place for me (that's why I'm forever grateful to all those people who've given me verbal feedback and words of encouragement because they're God's angels on earth). 

I knew my limitations from the start. Other than the language, one other limit is my height (I'm only 145 cm). There are some things that my taller coworkers can do better and faster than me. And because they're native Finns, naturally they're able to explain things better pronto (compared to myself who needs more time to think of a way to explain things that I've never encountered before). And if a new problem occurs, they know better whom to call and what to do and how to explain it to the customers or the boss.


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In the beginning, whenever someone asked me a question that I couldn't answer, I always called my coworker to help out. Over the past 2 years and 4 months I've learnt to pick up words and phrases from my coworkers and customers and that's helped me respond more "automatically" in similar circumstances. As to my height, there's nothing I can do about it, but at least there's a stool at work that I can use whenever I need it. :-D 

Luckily the coworkers and bosses I've met and worked with have been nice and fair people. They've never treated me differently despite the fact that sometimes when they talk so fast, I still ask them to repeat the words to me. There are still some occasions when I also need my customers to explain what they need from me, especially if they use strange words that I'm not familiar with, but at least my face helps make them understand that I'm a foreigner and that they may need to use more "regular" words and even body language when they talk to me. 

Having worked in this kind of place for the first time in my life makes me realize even more that one cannot please everyone. I still make mistakes every now and then, though I try to minimize them. Some customers may feel more satisfied than others, some may be more willing to forgive than others, but it's a wonderful journey to learn to forgive myself, too. To let go of my mistakes instead of dragging them like balls of chain on my ankles. To focus more on what I can do and to try finding ways to work more efficiently and to be more sensitive towards my customers' needs as best as I can. 

After all, this is a gift/opportunity that God has entrusted to me in such a miraculous way. If He hadn't slammed other doors right in front of me back in 2010 (that had caused some depression for a while), I wouldn't have bothered to try looking for real jobs. Instead, I would have been "satisfied" being in my comfort zone where I wouldn't have learnt all these lessons. THANK YOU, Lord, for everything!!!  


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On Unfulfilled Potentials

(Nothing much going on and I'm lacking in inspiration, so here's a post I wrote in my IF blog he he...)

 

Was talking to my closest friends about different topics and we ended up talking about unfulfilled potentials. One friend said that when she saw great pianists, she always wondered what would have happened if she had been more focused on learning the piano when she was younger. She said that as she grew older, in a way it got a little tougher to accept the fact that she may not be fulfilling her potential as a pianist because she had less and less time to reach that dream. In the past if she saw great pianists, she felt more inspired and encouraged to follow that dream because it seemed that there was still ample time to do so. However, she also said that hopefully as she grew older, she would be wiser to accept the facts about unfulfilled potentials in any area of life. 

 

I suddenly started thinking about infertility and motherhood. I told her that for me, motherhood was similar to her pianist dream. I don't actually know for sure how much "potential" I have to be a mother, but it was a dream I had for a certain period of time.

 

In my simplistic mind, when talking about unfulfilled potentials, you'd either have to do something about it or let it go. Letting it go also means accepting the fact that at the end of the day, maybe you'll only have fulfilled your potential until P instead of Z. In another life (so to speak), you may have made different choices and you may be able to fulfill that particular potential fully (or in a higher level than this life), but we've only got one life to live, so that's that. And we'll never know for sure anyway if in another life we'll be able to reach that potential more fully.

 

In my family, my brother is the more musical one. He took organ lessons when he was younger and the teacher said he was talented. He was in the course for years and then he stopped for a while, then continued it again for a while and for a period of time, my Mom was feeling sad because she felt that he could do more with his musical talents. Then when he was at the uni, he picked up the guitar and bass guitar and nowadays he plays bass guitar at church. In another life, he may be able to perform in stages or produce music by himself. Who knows? But this is his only life and he's made choices and he loves playing guitar/bass guitar at church. 

 

When speaking about possibilities and unfulfilled potentials, there are too many unknown factors. R2 and I have made our choices and we have to live with it. In another life, we may be trying out something else at the moment, but in this life, I'm content to be where I am - even though every now and then I'm reminded of "my unfulfilled potential" that may be painful, but I'm THANKFUL for the lessons that IF has brought, because through IF I'm given a chance to learn more:

 

1. How to love myself despite myself.

2. That God's grace is enough.

3. More than ever before I know that God understands my pains and He cares, even though I've yelled at Him and accused Him of being unjust. 

4. That I've married the right guy.

5. The painful lesson of letting go and letting God.

 

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The Thing About Beauty

The other day when I was feeling upset (reflected in my post Somewhere I Belong), one other thing that bugged me at the time was a small exchange I made with someone in my FB list.

She had posted a few new pics of herself and they all look stunning. For all that's worth, she's a very beautiful, slender, and tall young lady, so under one of the photos, I wrote this comment: "So pretty."

A little while later, she wrote back, "Thank you."

But right away she added, "But my cheeks are chubby."



 
Mind you, I was already upset at those things I wrote in that previous post - plus I'm having PMS - so the moment I read her second response, I got upset (yeah, PMS mode can be bitchy mode).

Then I wonder why I got upset simply because I read such a response. I think I got upset because I just wanted to shake her and ask, "Are you blind????? Your cheeks aren't chubby at all! Not even close!" (Believe me, anyone on earth who saw the photo would say the same and I'm not being biased here!)

Besides, what does chubby cheeks have to do with beauty? Then I started wondering if there had been people commenting that her cheeks were chubby (Indo people can be that nosy, I tells ya!). Then I got more upset 'coz if that happened, then it meant she believed what they were saying. This had happened to me in the past - I gained a few kgs in Indo, but I was happy in my own skin UNTIL people started telling me, "Oh, you've gotten chubbier these days." And then I started panicking! Sigh...





Then I got upset again 'coz I can feel the topic repeating itself in my own life, in my other female friends' lives...I wonder if men also fuss so much about beauty. I know one sore spot for R2 is the almost bald patch on his head, though I find it cute and it doesn't lessen his sexiness (I love tickling it and then scratching it and hear his sigh of relief he he he...).

It's just that at the end of the day I think to myself: Why are we so hard on ourselves? I know the world pays more attention towards our external self (esp. those who don't know us well), but why is it so hard for us to see our own beauty?




I think I've once written a post where I talked about this topic - about how in Indo I knew I didn't belong to the "beautiful girls" group. I guess it has something to do with age as well - seeking confirmation about yourself from others (read: comparing yourself with others) VERSUS knowing about yourself from within (read: embracing yourself just as who you are at the moment).

Now that I'm getting older, I find that there are days when I just wake up, look at myself in the mirror, and see a beautiful face. Don't get me wrong. On those days when I look at myself in the mirror, I'm NOT comparing myself with anyone (not even with myself in the past). I just see beauty in front of me (in the mirror) just like I see a beautiful flower or a lovely painting or something like that. It does NOT make me feel proud, but it makes me feel good in my own skin, like I belong there. It's like saying to myself: "You're a piece of artwork made by God and I love you."

This doesn't happen every day, but in the past when I was younger, it only happened after I lost some weight or after I put on some make-up and dress myself up or after I reached my weight goal. These days it's not the case anymore and I wonder if any of you has ever felt this way, too? ---> Tell me I'm not crazy!

Ah...I'm rambling...I suppose in the end the small exchange I had with that young lady just evoked the scars I had in the past when I still lived in Indo - where people would comment on my weight and made me feel like I'd done something wrong. And damn me for having succumbed to their words and their standards of external beauty!!! (I know this is easier said than done for those who live in such a pressured environment, but anyway...) OK, I'll just stop here before it gets too long he he...I'll just leave this post with this quote:

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

- Confucius

Why I Blog #2: Self-Worth

Writing the previous post took me back to the past. Actually, the full-time Finnish course started 10 months after I moved to Finland. There was an evening Finnish course in autumn that year, but it wasn't that effective 'coz there were only 20-25 hours of lessons in the course of 3 months. It did help a little, esp. in making me meet other expats living in Sodankylä, but it was not enough for our (all the expats) needs.

Anyhow, I remember during that period I was struggling with my self-worth. The world's voices became SO jarringly loud in my inner ears that I was shaken to the core. I felt "useless" as a human being. I knew I had to start life all over again from zero, but because I'm an adult and not a child, the transition was tough. I had to rely on R2 for many things 'coz in many government offices here (like KELA and employment office), most of them didn't speak English that well (or maybe they're just too shy to do so or they're mostly passive speakers).

I remember on one occasion before I learnt enough Finnish, I went to the employment office alone, told them in English very slowly what I wanted, but the woman sitting in front of me was at a loss on what to say to me. She did understand what I wanted, but she didn't know how to reply me. She grabbed a small Finnish-English dictionary and frantically tried to find the words she needed. I don't remember anymore if another woman helped us or not (vaguely I remember a woman from the next booth leaning in to help) - but in the end in very broken English she told me what she thought.

Anyhow, so I felt "crippled" in many ways at that time. I felt "useless" because this world puts so much emphasis on achievements. What are you? Who are you? What do you do? What is your profession? What is your contribution to the world? How many kids do you have? Where do you live? Do you have this and that and this and that?

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I was "only" a wife. We had no kids. I had plenty of time to kill. My self-worth took a huge dip. I had to learn to use different kinds of tools which I had never seen in my entire life. I had to learn to adjust to life in a cold country. I was determined to enjoy every single moment and I did enjoy many moments and my life with R2 (no traffic jam, fresh air, etc. etc. etc.), but my self-worth was still shaken.

R2 has been tremendous support for me 'coz he's NEVER EVER made me feel stupid, even when I do make stupid mistakes. And thankfully my parents-in-law have been such WONDERFUL help in making my life easier (especially MIL). This in itself is a GREAT blessing 'coz we meet once a week.

However, I had to struggle with my own broken self-worth. I had to remember over and over again that in God's eyes, I'm precious just the way I am. In His eye, each creation is precious. It was so hard to believe that when the world is screaming, "You're nothing when you don't accomplish anything."

During this time I remembered a relative of mine who'd been bedridden for many years (over a dozen years and now perhaps it's almost two decades already). In the beginning his memory was still active, but unfortunately lately it's dwindled a lot (I know this 'coz we visited him a few times over the past decade). I thought of him and pondered, "In God's eyes, he's still as precious as I am. He still loves him as much as He loves me, even though the world thinks he's nothing 'coz he can't work anymore nor can he eat or do other things on his own."

It was really tough to drown out the voices of the world, but over time it got better and better - or at least easier to take a step back and soak in God's love instead of believing what the world says.

Blogging has helped me with my self-worth, as well. After finding friends and being able to interact with them more, I felt more "useful". Even though I may not be able to do anything much, the least I could do was to support someone who needed it and gave encouragement. But still the underlying lesson I learnt during that period was that: In God's eye, each one of us is precious. Period.

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Life has plenty of surprises, though...infertility shook my core and my self-worth again. In the beginning, thinking that I wouldn't be able to be a mother made me wonder about my self-worth. Who am I if I can't become a mother then? Motherhood has been hailed as one of the greatest achievements on earth. I was in a daze in the beginning of our infertility journey and again I had to cling on God's sight when it comes to self-worth.

Yeah, I thought I had learnt the lesson already, but it seemed I still have a LONG way to go. Now that we've surrendered to life without kids, my self-worth has been going steadier compared to the days when we were still actively TTC (trying to conceive). But it was really a long and winding journey. I suppose you can learn the same/similar life lessons in different angles, depth, height, and breadth over the course of a lifetime.

I think one friend of mine summed it the best in one of her emails:

"Our glorious Lord NEVER looks down on us, not once! He knows what we all are from the very start: a lump of dirt that He formed, He chose and decided to create and love anyhow, even when He knew all the chaos and rottenness we mankind would eventually turn into. So there is NOTHING we can do to give ourselves any more value that what we already had from the beginning: the value of piece of dirt. Well that dirt happened to be LOVED, CHERISHED, and DELIGHTED by God. The Mighty Creator delights and rejoices in us, literally jumping in joy because of us, for NO REASON at all, but the fact that He IS LOVE, it's simply His nature."

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The Wrong Relationship

Yesterday one foreign customer complimented my beauty. He himself is an expat who has lived in Finland for 20 years. He said he had always been attracted to eyes like mine - he called them special. I thanked him for his compliment and this incident reminded me of my past.

Back in Indo, ever since I was young, I never felt especially beautiful. I never felt ugly, either, but I knew what people considered "beautiful" - those who have bigger eyes, not a girl like me (case in point: in many Asian countries, those people who have slanted eyes try to make their eyes look BIGGER when they put on make-up. If you still don't believe me, just try googling Japanese manga series and you'll see that the idealized female person there has big eyes instead of slanted Japanese eyes. Want more proof? Try googling double eyelid surgery in Korea. So many people there have been getting the surgery to make their eyes look bigger.)

Anyway, when I was 19 going on 20, I met this guy online who made me feel especially beautiful. I knew he was a bad boy, but he was the first one ever who made me feel that I "shone among the others" (so to speak). He also taught me how to be open and by being open to him and still being accepted as who I was, I was drawn to him. He was the total opposite of me.

I knew our relationship was doomed from the start, but I did one of the most cliched mistakes a girl could ever make. I thought I could be the one who turned the bad boy into a good boy. Yep. Silly little me. We broke up not long after we met in real life. I realized even more after we met that we were just too different and there was no way I could ever change him. After all, we can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, right?

There were times when I wished I could erase that part of my life, but now that I think about it...by making that mistake, I have learnt so much. First of all, I've learnt how to be open to people. Secondly, by having that short relationship, I learn how to set boundaries and thirdly I figured out what kind of qualities I was looking for in a guy.

When I had that brief relationship, I had been emailing with R2 as well, though we weren't too close yet. After I broke up with my first boyfriend and I got to know R2 even more and more, I realized that he was the one I was looking for all along. We're more in tune with each other and there are some similarities that make it easier for us to understand each other. R2 makes me feel safe because he's a steady person and he really tries his best to bridge the gap between us. Most of all, he's always brought up the best in me - and even more so in real life.

However, if I hadn't had the wrong relationship, I may have not been ready to be open with R2 and everything might have ended up differently. Because I could be open with R2 and I allowed myself to be vulnerable, he also felt more at ease to show me his vulnerability. That created so much closeness between us. And because at that time I knew already what type of qualities I looked for in a guy, I recognized them easily when R2 and I began to get to know each other better.

Anyway, back to the topic of beauty. Beauty is really tricky, don't you think? I think as time goes by, I've begun to appreciate more and more the individual beauty of people, including myself. While back in my past, I craved for other people's appreciation of my outer beauty, nowadays I hope I've learnt even better how to view people through God's eyes - that He's woven each one of us in a mother's womb...that each one of us is His beloved.

When Tragedy Strikes

*cross-posted with my infertility blog*

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death MUCH better than my infertility grief.

First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

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When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life for a while though other people don't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's an ambiguous loss that sparks off disenfranchise grief (click on the link to read what it means) and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

At that time around our journey, I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about the cracks and holes created by infertility 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (involuntarily making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive. That realization also made me feel guilty for all the past wrong things I may have said to them.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had valid reasons to be grieving in the first place and I was denied the support that a grieving person needed. Thus the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not, the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

Side note: For those of you who want to know the list on what not to say to an infertile, here are some links:

What Not To Say to An Infertile
Infertility Etiquette

What helped the most was probably - after a long and twisted journey before coming to the decision so trust me, it wasn't easy to make a decision like this - surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us - and the fact that God has answered those prayers by giving us both a united voice in terms of what to do or not do and in time we could let go of that particular dream).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

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The Year Started With A Bang (read: Dad's Death)

Today I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.

The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.

Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.

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The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.

When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.

It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.

I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.

Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...

P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.