Somewhere I Belong

The other day I was feeling really disturbed by several things (not work-related). It's got everything to do with my inner world. It's funny how loud the mind can be when one is warring with oneself. One of the things that disturbed me was the realization that I was disturbed by those things. And it made me even more disturbed. Why did I let myself be disturbed by those things? That was all I could think of at the end of the reflection.

Last night I wrote a very honest and raw post about my feelings and after saving the post, I felt more relieved, though I'm not going to publish the post due to its nature. Prior to writing the post, I just felt this huge ball of pent-up feelings about to explode and because there were several triggers, they became tangled up and I had to sort each of them out in order to figure out the whys and the wherefores. Additional note: Blogging is THE BEST kind of FREE therapy ever!!!! :-D

I'm gonna share some things that I felt (in a more logical tone of voice instead of a jumbling mess of curses and hot-headed emotions) here:

1. When we were busy with our TTC (trying to conceive) program and especially after a year went by without any result (after we joined the ranks of the infertile), I yearned so much to join the motherhood gang. Motherhood was at the top of my mind and I was envious to other people who were able to join it. There was nothing I'd love more than to be able to share the joys and pains of motherhood. It's like daydreaming about going to the moon, so to speak. 

After we decided to live "Childless Not By Choice" (CNBC), I began to search for blogs that have the same topic 'coz I don't feel like I can relate much to those people who're still trying to have babies by any means. However, there's this little voice inside me saying that CNBCers probably deem that I'm still "young enough to breed" (going on 34 this year). I was fine with that for some time, but the other day it just hit me that now I'm craving so much to be able to join this CNBC gang. Now that I've stopped yearning about motherhood, I'm yearning to belong in this CNBC gang. But now it feels like I'm waiting for my retirement period - or at least waiting for my eggs to be too old to produce an offspring. 

I wanted to scream 'coz I felt so tired. Tired of finding a place to belong. Last night I was listening to Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" and I kept on listening to angsty, dark songs that I felt perfect for my mood. And last night before bed, with still some thoughts warring inside my mind, I prayed to God for healing. 

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I woke up refreshed and I feel much lighter now, though I had two troublesome dreams that I'd forgotten. I woke up earlier this morning to pee and at that time I remembered those two dreams and I was thinking to myself that they were really symbolic of my warring thoughts. I remember dreaming about my mother burning something - probably a symbol of the road to motherhood that was burnt down.

2. The other day an Indo friend wrote this in Facebook:

"It never ends, does it? When are you gonna get married? Done. When are you going to have a baby? Done. When are you going to give your firstborn a sibling? Done. Aren't you going to try to have another one? ARRRRRGGGHHHH"

Another friend commented: "Yeah, and then it continues: When are you going to have a son-/daughter-in-law? When are you going to have grandkids?"

I was really sick and tired of those kind of questions. Although I'm safe here in Finland and although my Indo family and relatives know about "our problem" and they never said anything much except "We'll be praying for you", the few times I went back to Indo after our marriage, neighbours would ask me about this baby topic. This FB wall post had poked my scars and I was shocked at how upset I felt. I was upset not just for my sake, but for the sake of all those people there who "don't fit the mold" and yet they have to endure such questions so much.

You see, the wall post reminded me of a certain exchange with my neighbour a few years ago. He (yes, he) asked me about when we'd have babies (at the time we were still TTC) and he then asked, "Is your period regular or not? If it's regular then it's good." At that time I was in a good mood (holiday mood), so I wasn't upset (I'd after all, prepared myself months before the trip for nosy questions like this). However, when I read my friend's wall post, I became upset when remembering his question. It's just so out of line. Maybe nowadays I'm getting more and more "westernized" in mind or something. Dunno.

And then I remember another encounter happening last year with a different neighbour. She said, "When are you gonna have kids?"

I said to her, "Well, it doesn't matter now. It's fine even if it's just the two of us."

Immediately she said with a shocked face, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!! I'm gonna pray for you to have kids."

I thanked her and smiled, but deep inside I felt, "You can pray as many times as you want, but if God says no, then it's no. There's no in between."

And remembering that exchange made me wonder if it would have been easier if we had decided not to have kids since the beginning or not, because two relatives that I met last year visited my parents' place on our holiday and they whispered to me, "I'm gonna pray for you both to have kids." Sighhhhhhh...

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OK, I'm gonna leave all these negative emotions here in the blogosphere. I don't want to keep carrying them around anymore in my mind...These two aren't the only things bothering my mind, but the post is getting too long already he he...

Baring My Soul: The End of One Year

Today while cleaning the house, I realized I had my period again. This marks the end of one year of TTC (trying to conceive). I told hubby that we should contact the doctor right after we get back from our holiday in Rhodes to get us checked up.

This year has been pretty crazy. At first I didn't want to share it here in this blog because it'd make me sound insane and pathetic, but now I realized that I should share not only the good parts, but also the not-so-good parts of my life.

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Last year when we started not using condoms, we were both rather scared of the thought of my becoming pregnant, though the idea also sounded exciting. As months went by without any sign of pregnancy, our desire to have a baby got stronger and stronger (my mind also started to spin more and more imaginations about what the baby would look like, etc.). It got into the climax when I'd cry my eyes out when I had my period and asking God, "Do You think that we're going to be such bad parents or something that You haven't trusted us with a child yet?"

Yep...that kind of blaming self-pity game. It got worse when I even blamed myself for feeling pity for myself, considering the fact that I had been given SO MANY blessings in my life. But still I couldn't deny the fact that I felt sad and disappointed.

It's really tough when your desire to have a child has grown so much so that every month your brain "plays tricks on you". I tried to put a brake on my desire and focus on other things, but the climax happened anyway. Denying my feelings would be like trying to ignore a bleeding part of me. It just wouldn't do. I wouldn't be able to heal without acknowledging my bleeding self. I just had to "mourn the loss of the possibility of not being able to have a baby that month" - no matter how weird it sounds.

Right now I'm on my anti-climax, so even when I got my period today, I didn't cry and didn't yell at God. Ever since the climax, I had been asking God to give me the "serenity to change the things I can't change"...and the prayer must have worked! :-D



When talking to hubby about checking ourselves up, I can't help feeling a bit scared of knowing what the results will be like, even though I know there might be a chance that there's absolutely nothing wrong with both of us (just like my friend's case). But anyway, we'll just see how it goes...

The good thing is that during our Rhodes trip, I can eat and drink anything I want to without worrying whether I may be pregnant or not he he he he he...So, Rhodes, here we come!!! We should start packing today. I may write tomorrow or not...if not, then see you after we get back from Rhodes!!! I promise to take LOTS and LOTS of pictures he he he he he...

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Is Silence Golden?

I've been lazy in doing anything much for the past few days (other than the fact that I've been feeling tired so easily). Nothing much to say in this blog, either. That doesn't mean to say that I haven't got many things on my mind, because I do.

OK, so this post will be a rambling one. I've found myself becoming more Finnish in a way (I THINK). In what way? I'm becoming more and more used to SILENCE. Even at work when there are gaps in conversations, I don't feel like saying anything. Am I becoming more and more of a hermit? Hmmmhhh...is silence really golden? Not when you're trying to learn a new language, but still I find that silence is comforting.

By the way, I bought an ovulation test pack the other day to try out later this month. Well, basically speaking I know already what my mucus is like when I'm fertile (which is like egg white), BUT I thought, "What the heck! There's no harm done in knowing FOR SURE when I'm ovulating."

The thing is, my menstruation cycle is rather crazy though regular - sometimes it's 32 days, sometimes 35, sometimes 39 days! And I read that sometimes your ovulation days are later or even before the usual time...so since we have 3 more months before the TTC year is over (which means that I have to go to the doctor to check myself up if I'm not pregnant by then), I just want to make the best of that time. If nothing happens yet, then at least I won't say later on, "Dang, I wished I had tried buying that ovulation test pack!"

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I've also been thinking about my "choices": what I want to do in the future after this training ends. The options are:

1. Finding a job ---> which won't be too easy.
2. Going back to school ---> which would take at least 3 years.
3. Going on a short course.
4. Going on another training. ---> but this is my last option.

Well, I think after this training ends, I'm going to focus on our holiday first, then I'll try applying for part-time jobs...Wish me luck then!!!

Pap Smear Result

It snowed a lot last night. Everything was white when we woke up in the morning. We still experience jet lag, so we woke up early again today. The snow melted somewhat as the temperature rose, but then it started to snow a little bit again in the afternoon. The ground is white now. Just the way I like it. The white, pristine snow makes everything brighter.

I called my gyno today to ask about the Pap Smear test result. It was SO hard to reach her. The line was always busy. I almost gave up, but finally the sixth time I got through. When she realized who I was, she started talking slowly in Finnish. BLESS HER!!! ---> This is one of the few times I HAD to make a phone call in Finnish, so it was GOOD practise for me!!!

She said that my Pap Smear result was OK. There was some slight "something", but nothing to be worried about. I didn't really get that one word, though. It might be discoloration or something else, but she said that I'd get the written result by mail later, so I didn't ask for more details.

Then I asked her when I could do the ultrasound. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no. I told her that we were trying to have a baby and I just wanted to make sure that I had no cyst or fibroid or other abnormalities (I asked my doctor friend and she said that to rule out cyst or fibroid, I needed to take an ultrasound). She then asked me if I had had any weird symptoms in the past or pain or any abnormal bleeding. I said no. Then she asked me how long we had been trying to conceive HI HI HI HI HI...I said "only a few months". She said it was too soon to do an ultrasound and that I should just wait until a year was passed by.

I think she might have thought that I was crazy or something ha ha ha ha...The thing is, in Indonesia, if you ask for an ultrasound, the gyno will definitely do it for you, even if you haven't tried to conceive for more than a year. A friend of mine did that on her 6th or 7th month of TTC (trying to conceive). Oh well...no worries, then.

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I still haven't tried finding a training place or asking back the library about the possibility of doing the training there as I still feel jet-lagged. I think I'll wait till Monday to do it.

This Saturday I'm going to visit my in-laws again as usual. My BIL said that we'd roast sausages there. YIIIPPPIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! ;-D

I sent SMS to my MIL on Sunday to tell her that we'd arrived safely and she was SO excited to have us visit her again HE HE HE HE HE HE...Had we lived nearby, I would have visited her sooner than this!!! Unfortunately with this weather and the fact that she lives 25 minutes away by car (no traffic, 25 straight minutes driving time!!!) made me unable to do so. Oh well...

Enough rambling!!! I'm trying to edit my videos to make them smaller and to convert the file types so that I can show you a video clip of my little nephew. Wait until I publish it!!! ;-D