Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Bittersweet Tears

Before I share the post, I'd like to add a note first...this post below was posted in my IF blog, but I want to share this beautiful moment here. If anyone of you wonders why I keep writing about my IF journey and why infertility is still an important part of my life even though we've moved on and we've surrendered to life without kids, let me sum it up this way: it's like the opposite of parenting.

When you're a parent (and I'm talking about parents who're involved in their kids' lives), you're bound to think about your kids and their lives, their friends, etc. And your life's peppered with parenting thoughts and joy and problems in your kids' lives as well and their life events. Infertility is that way, too. It changes my life in ways that the arrival of kids change the life of parents. My life is peppered with infertility-related thoughts and I choose it that way. I want to learn whatever I can learn from infertility. I want to learn about my pain triggers and I want to embrace them and hug them and make them feel better. If I'm incapable of doing that, then I'll pray to God to help me heal. Mind you, this post for me isn't a sad one, but a happy one. So rejoice with me, will you? :-D


The other day I think I had my first experience of crying with so much gratitude that my heart felt like it was going to burst mixed with some grief over the losses of a life as a non-mother. It was bittersweet. The tears didn't run too long, but it was cleansing. :-)

The triggers? 

The gratitude came from hearing positive feedback about myself from different people including from MIL. I was SO touched and thankful to be able to hear those words, but at the same time I realized how much more they meant to me because I'm not a mother. Only after I heard the words did I realize that I had actually been waiting for some confirmation that I was doing something right as a non-mom. Like I was secretly wishing that the universe would give me signs that what I was doing in the community was enough even if I could never become a mother.

The grief came much later that day while I was reading a manga series that dealt with cute little twins (a boy and a girl) that I had subscribed to (I had been reading it since ages ago and it's still not finished yet). Reading about their antics and how they grew not just in size but also in many different areas in life made me feel sad because I could never watch my own child(ren) grow. And that was when I remembered the positive feedback from all those people which counterbalanced my grief. It felt surreal. 

It was probably the first time when I cried tears of grief that didn't weigh upon my chest. Instead, the feeling of gratitude gave the grief some wings...After they held me in their embrace for a little while, off they flew, leaving me sighing contentedly.


  1. I don't know what should I write. Just want you to know that I am happy to hear if you are happy too. We can not get everything in life as we want. Example: I can't go work like you (yet), I can't go on vacation twice a year like other people, etc. Everyone has their own destiny.

  2. Yep, that's all I need...that you rejoice with me. :-) True that we can't get everything we want in life. :-)

  3. I think you're doing lots of things right as a non-mum (using your expression) and you should be proud of yourself.

    1. THANK YOU, Nikki, for your kind words! :-)

  4. this is almost besides the point & it may even be something you have addressed. But since you & R2 have made such a loving wonderful place to be, have you ever considered or do they have in Finland a Big Brother or Big Sister program. It's basically where you help mentor kids that come from single parent families and they need a role model or guide to help them out. You have so many wonderful, loving insights that someone could really learn from the 2 of you.