3BT: Random Days

1. Saw a woodpecker outside MIL's place today. It was cold outside (-23/24'C) so I tried taking pics from inside her place, but then it flew away so I had to go out to take more pics and video clips ha ha...

Here's a blurry pic of it, but wanna show how beautiful the red line on the back of its neck is...

And here's a clearer pic of it...

And below is a combination of two short video clips. It flew away in the first one, but it came back for a while.


2. Managed to seduce hubby to buy some kebab from a local restaurant LOL LOL!!!

3. Getting some positive feedback from MIL's neighbour who knows me from my work. BLESS YOU, grandpa!

4. This scene: 

5. Listening to some old, nostalgic songs...mmmm...

6. After all this time, we're still holding hands while watching movies/TV series together side-by-side on our respective lazy chairs. :-D If I let go too long, he'd complain and would want to hold it back ASAP LOL! I cherish these moments! 

7. Getting excited because I start comparing for ticket prices to go back to Indo sometime this year. Have to ask the boss for permission first before we can buy the tickets, but still it's LOVELY to plan this holiday. And I'm GRATEFUL that we have the budget and opportunity to do it.

8. I had a vivid visualisation the other day to handle some emotional battle and it worked SO well that I felt high for a few hours after that. I'll be surely using this technique again whenever I need it. :-D 

9. Had a chance to share said technique with other people and hoped that it could help them too (if they wanted to try, that is). 

Somewhere I Belong

The other day I was feeling really disturbed by several things (not work-related). It's got everything to do with my inner world. It's funny how loud the mind can be when one is warring with oneself. One of the things that disturbed me was the realization that I was disturbed by those things. And it made me even more disturbed. Why did I let myself be disturbed by those things? That was all I could think of at the end of the reflection.

Last night I wrote a very honest and raw post about my feelings and after saving the post, I felt more relieved, though I'm not going to publish the post due to its nature. Prior to writing the post, I just felt this huge ball of pent-up feelings about to explode and because there were several triggers, they became tangled up and I had to sort each of them out in order to figure out the whys and the wherefores. Additional note: Blogging is THE BEST kind of FREE therapy ever!!!! :-D

I'm gonna share some things that I felt (in a more logical tone of voice instead of a jumbling mess of curses and hot-headed emotions) here:

1. When we were busy with our TTC (trying to conceive) program and especially after a year went by without any result (after we joined the ranks of the infertile), I yearned so much to join the motherhood gang. Motherhood was at the top of my mind and I was envious to other people who were able to join it. There was nothing I'd love more than to be able to share the joys and pains of motherhood. It's like daydreaming about going to the moon, so to speak. 

After we decided to live "Childless Not By Choice" (CNBC), I began to search for blogs that have the same topic 'coz I don't feel like I can relate much to those people who're still trying to have babies by any means. However, there's this little voice inside me saying that CNBCers probably deem that I'm still "young enough to breed" (going on 34 this year). I was fine with that for some time, but the other day it just hit me that now I'm craving so much to be able to join this CNBC gang. Now that I've stopped yearning about motherhood, I'm yearning to belong in this CNBC gang. But now it feels like I'm waiting for my retirement period - or at least waiting for my eggs to be too old to produce an offspring. 

I wanted to scream 'coz I felt so tired. Tired of finding a place to belong. Last night I was listening to Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" and I kept on listening to angsty, dark songs that I felt perfect for my mood. And last night before bed, with still some thoughts warring inside my mind, I prayed to God for healing. 

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I woke up refreshed and I feel much lighter now, though I had two troublesome dreams that I'd forgotten. I woke up earlier this morning to pee and at that time I remembered those two dreams and I was thinking to myself that they were really symbolic of my warring thoughts. I remember dreaming about my mother burning something - probably a symbol of the road to motherhood that was burnt down.

2. The other day an Indo friend wrote this in Facebook:

"It never ends, does it? When are you gonna get married? Done. When are you going to have a baby? Done. When are you going to give your firstborn a sibling? Done. Aren't you going to try to have another one? ARRRRRGGGHHHH"

Another friend commented: "Yeah, and then it continues: When are you going to have a son-/daughter-in-law? When are you going to have grandkids?"

I was really sick and tired of those kind of questions. Although I'm safe here in Finland and although my Indo family and relatives know about "our problem" and they never said anything much except "We'll be praying for you", the few times I went back to Indo after our marriage, neighbours would ask me about this baby topic. This FB wall post had poked my scars and I was shocked at how upset I felt. I was upset not just for my sake, but for the sake of all those people there who "don't fit the mold" and yet they have to endure such questions so much.

You see, the wall post reminded me of a certain exchange with my neighbour a few years ago. He (yes, he) asked me about when we'd have babies (at the time we were still TTC) and he then asked, "Is your period regular or not? If it's regular then it's good." At that time I was in a good mood (holiday mood), so I wasn't upset (I'd after all, prepared myself months before the trip for nosy questions like this). However, when I read my friend's wall post, I became upset when remembering his question. It's just so out of line. Maybe nowadays I'm getting more and more "westernized" in mind or something. Dunno.

And then I remember another encounter happening last year with a different neighbour. She said, "When are you gonna have kids?"

I said to her, "Well, it doesn't matter now. It's fine even if it's just the two of us."

Immediately she said with a shocked face, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!! I'm gonna pray for you to have kids."

I thanked her and smiled, but deep inside I felt, "You can pray as many times as you want, but if God says no, then it's no. There's no in between."

And remembering that exchange made me wonder if it would have been easier if we had decided not to have kids since the beginning or not, because two relatives that I met last year visited my parents' place on our holiday and they whispered to me, "I'm gonna pray for you both to have kids." Sighhhhhhh...

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OK, I'm gonna leave all these negative emotions here in the blogosphere. I don't want to keep carrying them around anymore in my mind...These two aren't the only things bothering my mind, but the post is getting too long already he he...

When Tragedy Strikes

*cross-posted with my infertility blog*

The day after I received news about my Dad's death, I felt this urge to tell the whole world about it. One reason was probably 'coz it felt surreal to me. I mean, I didn't see his body and I wasn't there at the funeral home. I wasn't there at all to help out and my life here in Finland continued as if nothing had happened. I think telling the world (well, mostly through FB announcement) about it has helped me remember that my Dad no longer lives on earth.

Another reason was probably because my world will never be the same anymore and I want other people to know that. Funny thing was that if I compared my grief with my infertility grief, I accepted my Dad's death MUCH better than my infertility grief.

First of all, I had had time to prepare for my Dad's death and also opportunities to let him know how much I appreciated him. Secondly, his death was a natural one and he didn't have to suffer long. Thirdly, other people readily acknowledged his death and my grief and thus I got the kind of warm support that I needed.

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When tragedy strikes, it feels like your universe is going on a different pace and rhythm. You notice that there are cracks and perhaps even holes all around you. Your whole world has changed. Perhaps you've even stopped living your life for a while though other people don't even realize that. Anyhow, the trouble with infertility is that it's an ambiguous loss that sparks off disenfranchise grief (click on the link to read what it means) and it took us by surprise (a hit below the belt so to speak). When I first realized that (gasp!) we could be infertile, I felt that my whole universe started cracking...and then with each month appeared one hole after another, each with different size and depth.

At that time around our journey, I also felt the urge to let the world know about the changes in our universe. It didn't help when I tried telling some people about the cracks and holes created by infertility 'coz they made me feel like I was delusional. In their eyes, those cracks and holes were invisible. And the "wrong" things they said felt like they were poking the holes (involuntarily making them bigger) or even ripping off the cracks, making me feel defensive or even angry. Or both.

But at that time, I couldn't help feeling that I was really making such a big deal out of my cracks and holes 'coz if they are blind to them, there must be other invisible cracks and holes in other people's universes as well that I may have involuntarily poked and prodded and ripped off and that made me feel guilty for lashing out on them or for being defensive. That realization also made me feel guilty for all the past wrong things I may have said to them.

However, this thought in turn made me feel angrier and frustrated 'coz I felt that I had valid reasons to be grieving in the first place and I was denied the support that a grieving person needed. Thus the cycle of doom continued...Anger, jealousy, frustration, guilt, grief, sorrow, despair, self-hate, self-loathe, self-blame, doubt, depression...you name it...one by one tumbling one after another and sometimes many of them bursting out all at once and becoming a concoction from hell.

To be fair, there were some people who did acknowledge there were holes and cracks, but more often than not, the things they said made me feel like they were suggesting band-Aids to cover them up to "heal" my universe. After some time, I felt like giving up in "educating" the world about our universe and what it may entail. (FYI, every once in a while I still try to do this, but not with the same concoction from hell like before).

Side note: For those of you who want to know the list on what not to say to an infertile, here are some links:

What Not To Say to An Infertile
Infertility Etiquette

What helped the most was probably - after a long and twisted journey before coming to the decision so trust me, it wasn't easy to make a decision like this - surrendering ourselves to a future without kids (thanks to all the prayers - I specifically asked some friends to pray The Serenity Prayer for us - and the fact that God has answered those prayers by giving us both a united voice in terms of what to do or not do and in time we could let go of that particular dream).

Our universe will never be the same, but we've stopped focusing on the cracks and holes and focusing more on looking at each other and trying to find ways to make each other happy and spending time together. We try our best to cherish every moment 'coz nobody knows when death is coming to get us...what would be the sweetest ending for our story is if God chooses to take us from earth together at the same time. :-D

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Somewhere In Time Part 2

The more you interact with other people, the more you learn about others and yourself. I find it intriguing that sometimes upon reacting to something I read or hear, I start to wonder why my reaction or comment is such and such. Then I start tracing it back to my past, trying to find the missing link(s). When I find it or them, then I begin to experience enlightenment.

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Enlightenment is crucial since you'll then (hopefully) know what to do next, even though it may be painful. Once you realize something important, you need to take actions: heal yourself, forgive yourself, forgive others, move on, let go, etc.

Sometimes when you interact with others, you might also experience seeing a mirror of your present or past self. It can evoke frustration, sadness, shock, guilt, joy, or it can even make you want to help the other person get through what you've left behind.

I think one of the hardest things to do is to love ourselves. A while ago a man and I had a talk. He said that he had always been too hard on himself, since he was a perfectionist. I don't know if he was born a perfectionist or whether he developed into one. He said that it was a miracle that he didn't turn out as a drug addict or drunkard considering his past.

I didn't probe more as it didn't seem appropriate. His being too hard on himself made me think, though. I used to be that way, too, but I'm slowly learning to be kinder to myself. Some days are easier than other days, but I'm getting there. But if one has "mastered" the art of loving oneself, would it feel wrong? Is there something wrong if I'm able to love myself despite myself? I don't think that anyone can love themselves without ever experiencing guilt or shame or anger toward themselves, but if at the end of the day one can truly love oneself after experiencing all those emotions, is it all right?

I have to be honest with you that a few times in the past I enjoyed feeling guilt within me as it seemed to have made me more humane. But that kind of idea also feels wrong. And here I am going in circles again, yet I do enjoy this process so much...

3BT: January 11, 2008

1. Shaking my booty and belting my heart out when listening to love songs on Yahoo Messenger while cooking pancakes ha ha ha ha...It felt GOOOODDDD, babbbbyyyy!!! *grin*

2. Perfect timing for hubby to come home. Just a few seconds AFTER I finished making the last piece of pancake.

3. Hubby saying thank you after he finished eating a few pancakes with a big smile on his face HE HE HE HE...You're VERY WELCOME, Darling!!! ;-D

4. Tucking my hubby again on the sofa and seeing his eyes light up when I did that. AWWWWWWWWW........now I can imagine the joys of tucking up your own kids in bed HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

5. My heart bursting out with emotions while listening to my fave love songs. Yeah, I'm a romantiiicccc, but I'm not a hopeless romantic, but it feels OOOHHHH SOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOODDDDD to listen to my fave love songs!!!!

6. Transferring money from Paypal (the money that I got from blogging for money) to my bank account. YEEEAAAHHH!!! After all, at the end of this month I have to pay €100 €120 (I just checked it and it's gone up!!!) to renew my residence permit HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...God's providence is REALLY incredible HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...

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Projecting Your Anger to Somebody Else

Earlier I received an email from my brother. He said he had asked permission to go home early from work today since Mom called him at work, crying and sobbing. Dad had yelled at her again and accusing her of not being supportive. My brother couldn't take it anymore. When he was home, he yelled back and asked Dad what he meant. He asked Dad if any of us (Mom, me, brother) had ever been disrespectful to him. He said no, but other people had been that way to him. Other people had disappointed him and made his heart hurt. If you're new here, I've written down a post earlier about my Dad. Here's the link: Dad.

The situation got heated up so my Dad asked my brother to call my Priest. So my priest came over and they got into a discussion. I don't know the details but my brother said that at least they could talk about everything they wanted to say to one another. I sure hope that my Dad'll be better later on for the sake of everybody, including himself. It seems that he's been so caught up with his own pains so that he doesn't even know he's hurting his loved ones. All he can see is his own wounds and pains.

My brother's email makes me think hard. How many times have I ever projected my anger to somebody else? How many times have I ever projected my feeling of embarrassment to somebody else? How many times have I projected any bad emotions to somebody else?

Let me end this post with some anger quotations taken from Wisdom Quotes:

Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody's power, that is not easy.
- Aristotle

Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back -- in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.
- Frederick Buechner

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
- James Thurber