Do You Get Tired? Part Two

I've had a jumble of messy thoughts after writing my post yesterday. I feel that I was too generic in writing that post yesterday and let me try to untangle some of my thoughts, which would be too long to write in the comment section (though I did try to write some of them already).

OK, first of all I think blogging is a different platform altogether. I write for myself and my audience in my blogs (depending on the topic, sometimes it's more for the audience, sometimes it's more for me, sometimes it's 50-50) and because I don't allow anonymous commenters anymore, I find that those who do comment mostly do want to say something to me about my post or they want to build a connection or they feel that they can relate to my post or something like that.

Facebook is a different platform altogether. What I find to be tiring about Facebook is also because of my fault, I suppose. I have a jumble of different people in my Facebook friends' list, but I don't want to bother separating them 'coz then I'll have more accounts to take care of. Back in the beginning before I was active at all in Facebook, I didn't really know "that world". Now I have semi strangers in my blog as well as close friends and relatives and ex school friends, blogging friends and those in between (friends of friends).



 


Here are some things that I find tiring about Facebook in a nutshell (let me try to remember my thoughts from last night):

1. Facebook resembles so much like the real world in a twisted way.

So much like the real world, because unlike blogging where some people use pseudonyms, they mostly use their real names. And the interaction happens in a much faster speed. Twisted because you can be half a world apart from the other person, yet you can still feel things just like the feeling you may get from a face-to-face conversation.

An easy example: I once commented on someone's photo, and the person's response struck the wrong chord in myself. While reading the response, I got so angry and upset that I just wanted to lash out at that person. My initial reaction was to "slap back" (for lack of a better phrase). Thankfully I managed to calm myself down before typing down and publishing something I'd regret, withdrew myself from my computer, and did other things to calm myself down. Only after I did that then I replied to that person in a more civilised manner. That, I suppose, is a good thing about an online platform compared to the real world - it's easier to just withdraw and take a step back before reacting (in the real world this may be more tricky to do).

I've also felt a few times when someone comments on my posts, "Oh no...not again!" because the person is the kind that pushes my button, but once that person comments on any of my posts, it's "rude" if I don't respond back (especially if then I do respond to other commenters after and before that one).

I know that whatever I write can be subjected to any interpretation by anyone and that anyone is free to speak up their minds, but still it does resemble real life in a way. Sometimes you just want to get away from all of those feelings and people. But the problem with deactivating a platform like Facebook is that I feel that I'll "be left behind" because there are people in the site whose lives matter to me, whose photos I want to see, who I really want to connect regularly, whose interests match mine, etc. etc. etc. 

2. And because so many people are active in that platform, I feel that it's getting harder and harder to just disconnect there. And that's also one source of the fatigue. 

The feeling of not wanting to miss important things, but then again I do need to disconnect completely sometimes...but disconnecting completely means that when I get back online again there'll be so much to sift through in order to find out which is more important and which is not...

3. Due to the nature of a platform like Facebook, I feel that the temptation to show off is much greater than in blogging for example. Because I blog also for myself, I don't necessarily feel the need to show off because I mostly want to write down a kind of journal for myself - which I hope will entertain people or will help people connect with me or will help people learn from my mistakes, etc. 

However, in Facebook, many times when I want to post something, I have to think twice, "Am I posting this to share or to show off?" This is especially true for holiday pictures, but this doesn't cover all of the issues that may make me feel this way. For holiday pictures, I've resorted to sharing them with only a certain group of people.

4. Another part of the problem I experience with this kind of platform I've written down in the other post (and in the comment section): about wondering whether or not to comment, about the feeling of voyeurism (funnily enough I don't really feel this way with blogging - maybe because in Facebook there is a bigger opportunity to really check out those people whom I may know by name already in real life and that takes it to a whole different level), about whether my silence is better than saying anything (because a silence can also be deadly), etc.

Additional reason (added on Jan 17, 2013): I also feel that it's hard to control what you see in Facebook. Even though you can limit what you see in your Newsfeed, if your friend posts something that you don't really want to see, you're bound to glimpse through it and when it's something disturbing, then I feel disturbed and it doesn't really help me calm my inner world. 





Another part of the fatigue is due to a different platform. I've written about Whatsapp application before in this post: Whaddup. Anyway, that kind of platform allows you to chat with anyone in your guestbook (or phonebook) constantly if you're both online 24/7 with your mobile phone or iphone or smartphone. A few close friends have started using WhatsApp application to chat with one another and I did try it using the free version for PC during its trial period.

What made me tired was the thought of more and more people interacting this way - through that kind of platform and that, again, makes me feel left behind. I don't care about people I don't know, but I do feel left behind when it comes to my close friends, because you don't exactly "chat" that way via emails. When people use WhatsApp application, they can chat with one another during their breaks or when they're on the way to a place or when they're waiting for an appointment or whenever. In emails, you formulate your ideas in a more controlled manner, but when you're chatting with people live, you can talk about ANYTHING at all that comes in your mind. And it's hard to transfer that kind of chat file to an email-based world. And when you're not connected to them in that way, it feels as though they've gone for a quick coffee break to have fun without you.

Connecting through that kind of platform is VERY tiring because of time difference among other things. I go to sleep and when I wake up, I can see that some of them have left hundreds of messages already and I need to sift through the messages to find out if there's anything I need to respond to - but still even if I do respond to some of the (already old) messages, I feel that the conversation has moved on already. This is something new that feels weird for me and I don't necessarily like the feeling.

When you're on a holiday for a few weeks and you don't check your mailbox for a while and realize that your close friends have written dozens of emails, you feel overwhelmed in a way, but at least with emails it's (for me personally) still easier to catch up on because it's more structured so to speak. When it comes to following old chat messages (even if it's just a few hours old), it just feels so random, fragmented, confusing, and daunting.

So all of the above contribute to my feeling tired about this online world because I have to set my boundaries, but in a way I also don't want to "lose the connection" (especially with those I care about) by setting too tight boundaries/limits, but it gets harder to sift through the mess. OK, I think I've said what I really want to say, so enough about this for now.

Somewhere I Belong

The other day I was feeling really disturbed by several things (not work-related). It's got everything to do with my inner world. It's funny how loud the mind can be when one is warring with oneself. One of the things that disturbed me was the realization that I was disturbed by those things. And it made me even more disturbed. Why did I let myself be disturbed by those things? That was all I could think of at the end of the reflection.

Last night I wrote a very honest and raw post about my feelings and after saving the post, I felt more relieved, though I'm not going to publish the post due to its nature. Prior to writing the post, I just felt this huge ball of pent-up feelings about to explode and because there were several triggers, they became tangled up and I had to sort each of them out in order to figure out the whys and the wherefores. Additional note: Blogging is THE BEST kind of FREE therapy ever!!!! :-D

I'm gonna share some things that I felt (in a more logical tone of voice instead of a jumbling mess of curses and hot-headed emotions) here:

1. When we were busy with our TTC (trying to conceive) program and especially after a year went by without any result (after we joined the ranks of the infertile), I yearned so much to join the motherhood gang. Motherhood was at the top of my mind and I was envious to other people who were able to join it. There was nothing I'd love more than to be able to share the joys and pains of motherhood. It's like daydreaming about going to the moon, so to speak. 

After we decided to live "Childless Not By Choice" (CNBC), I began to search for blogs that have the same topic 'coz I don't feel like I can relate much to those people who're still trying to have babies by any means. However, there's this little voice inside me saying that CNBCers probably deem that I'm still "young enough to breed" (going on 34 this year). I was fine with that for some time, but the other day it just hit me that now I'm craving so much to be able to join this CNBC gang. Now that I've stopped yearning about motherhood, I'm yearning to belong in this CNBC gang. But now it feels like I'm waiting for my retirement period - or at least waiting for my eggs to be too old to produce an offspring. 

I wanted to scream 'coz I felt so tired. Tired of finding a place to belong. Last night I was listening to Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" and I kept on listening to angsty, dark songs that I felt perfect for my mood. And last night before bed, with still some thoughts warring inside my mind, I prayed to God for healing. 

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I woke up refreshed and I feel much lighter now, though I had two troublesome dreams that I'd forgotten. I woke up earlier this morning to pee and at that time I remembered those two dreams and I was thinking to myself that they were really symbolic of my warring thoughts. I remember dreaming about my mother burning something - probably a symbol of the road to motherhood that was burnt down.

2. The other day an Indo friend wrote this in Facebook:

"It never ends, does it? When are you gonna get married? Done. When are you going to have a baby? Done. When are you going to give your firstborn a sibling? Done. Aren't you going to try to have another one? ARRRRRGGGHHHH"

Another friend commented: "Yeah, and then it continues: When are you going to have a son-/daughter-in-law? When are you going to have grandkids?"

I was really sick and tired of those kind of questions. Although I'm safe here in Finland and although my Indo family and relatives know about "our problem" and they never said anything much except "We'll be praying for you", the few times I went back to Indo after our marriage, neighbours would ask me about this baby topic. This FB wall post had poked my scars and I was shocked at how upset I felt. I was upset not just for my sake, but for the sake of all those people there who "don't fit the mold" and yet they have to endure such questions so much.

You see, the wall post reminded me of a certain exchange with my neighbour a few years ago. He (yes, he) asked me about when we'd have babies (at the time we were still TTC) and he then asked, "Is your period regular or not? If it's regular then it's good." At that time I was in a good mood (holiday mood), so I wasn't upset (I'd after all, prepared myself months before the trip for nosy questions like this). However, when I read my friend's wall post, I became upset when remembering his question. It's just so out of line. Maybe nowadays I'm getting more and more "westernized" in mind or something. Dunno.

And then I remember another encounter happening last year with a different neighbour. She said, "When are you gonna have kids?"

I said to her, "Well, it doesn't matter now. It's fine even if it's just the two of us."

Immediately she said with a shocked face, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!! I'm gonna pray for you to have kids."

I thanked her and smiled, but deep inside I felt, "You can pray as many times as you want, but if God says no, then it's no. There's no in between."

And remembering that exchange made me wonder if it would have been easier if we had decided not to have kids since the beginning or not, because two relatives that I met last year visited my parents' place on our holiday and they whispered to me, "I'm gonna pray for you both to have kids." Sighhhhhhh...

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OK, I'm gonna leave all these negative emotions here in the blogosphere. I don't want to keep carrying them around anymore in my mind...These two aren't the only things bothering my mind, but the post is getting too long already he he...

The Year Started With A Bang (read: Dad's Death)

Today I finished work and I was tempted to check my mobile. I've been working for 1,5 years now and I could count with one hand how many times I checked my mobile right after work (before coming home, I mean). There were 4 messages from my bro and Mom.

The first one told me that Dad was screaming in pain earlier today in Indo and that they took him to the emergency room at a hospital. Then the other messages was about his passing about two hours after they took him to the hospital.

Actually when they arrived at the hospital, there was no pulse, but they managed to "revive" him. It happened a few times and finally the doctor said that he checked Dad's pupils and they showed no brain activity, so he wouldn't recommend keeping him alive with the machine, but he said it was all up to the family. In the end he went anyway in peace. He died of a heart attack.

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The first thing I felt (probably simultaneously as the shock wave) was a HUGE wave of relief that Dad didn't have to suffer long before God took him away. Then started the tears. I had to lock myself in the toilet and let out what I needed to let out while replying to the messages. After I could control myself somewhat and dabbed my eyes with water and tissue to make sure they didn't look too weird, I went out, did a little shopping, and went home.

When I got back home, R2 greeted me and I told him what happened, then he held me tightly. He patted my back and held me tightly...more tears coming...We spent so much time in each other's arms while I retold him what I had heard from my SIL about what had happened.

It's really weird what I've been feeling after I heard the news...relief, grief, joy (because he can't feel any more pain now), a tad melancholy and longing. All the wonderful memories flashing back. He's my dad and I'm honoured to be his daughter. We might not always see eye to eye, but his legacy will live on through me and my brother.

I have no regrets nor guilt about anything, though. The last time I spoke to him on the phone was a day before his 69th birthday on Dec 27th, 2011 (I couldn't call him on his birthday 'coz I had an evening shift) and that was the only time I had the guts to verbally tell him my appreciation and how he had made a difference in my life. Before that time, I chickened out and I could only tell him how I felt in a lengthy email. I didn't know what made me say those things to him on the phone that day, but now I'm even more glad I did it.

Anyway, rest in peace, dear Dad. You're probably enjoying yourself up there, though. Can't wait to see you there again. Until we meet again...

P.S. The below pic was taken on his birthday a few years ago.

Happiness Revisited

The other day Shan wrote in a comment that he was wondering why I could manage to stay happy. He jokingly asked if that was partly because of my hubby. Well, first of all, it's IMPOSSIBLE for any person to make somebody else happy 24/7 every day of their lives. Secondly, there haven't been any bad situations in my life (yet, hopefully never HA HA)...and thus it's easier to stay happy. Thirdly, it's not that I never feel unhappy or sad or angry or disappointed.

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel sorrow. It's okay to feel bad every now and then. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel disappointed. Hey, life isn't constant and nobody's perfect! We're only humans, not robots. You're bound to feel all those sort of emotions, especially when a tragedy strikes unexpectedly.

What's not okay is to wallow in those emotions and let yourself pity yourself or let yourself become so engulfed in emotions that turn you into a negative, bitter, angry person. I know it's easier said than done, but one can only try and I'm determined to try my best in doing so. :-))))

Of course it gets tough to stay happy when my PMS strikes or when I lack sleep (I get cranky when I lack sleep and I CAN be "bitchy" too), but let's share with one another some happiness tips, shall we? I know that you all know what I'm going to share already, but I'm going to write them down to remind myself of the tips to be happy he he he he...

You can write them down in your own posts or in my comment section of this post. Either way it's fine, but I LOVE the blogosphere since we can learn SO MUCH from one another and we can keep reminding one another about making a difference in this world. :-)))

OK, without further ado, here're some tips from me:

1. Accepting the things we can't change (AKA surrendering to God and believing that He knows best whatever comes our way even when we don't understand it),

2. Having the courage to change the things we can change (AKA we have to do our own part and not just surrender to God without doing anything and finding out what bad habits or mistakes we should change),

3. Remembering to count your blessings every single day AND soak them all in and NOT taking anything small for granted ('coz it'll make you feel like the world is singing with you),

4. Accepting yourself as you really are and being able to forgive others and yourself,

5. Being able to understand that God's grace is beyond our imperfections (AKA knowing our worth in God and believing that we CAN make a difference through Him that strengthens us AKA not giving up on ourselves and beating ourselves up),

6. Not taking life too seriously and not taking other people's words too seriously and NOT taking yourself too seriously,

7. Expect less and give more,

8. And knowing that each day you're in charge of your own actions and reactions towards your circumstances instead of letting circumstances determine your actions and reactions.

Well, that's all I can remember for now he he he...Come on now, people, share with me some of your wisdom! ;-D

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A Reminder for Myself

1. Soak up God's love every single day. Remember that God loves me the way I am and He never compares me with anyone else. He knows the number of hair on my head and He personally knows my name.

2. Be kind to myself. Don't be too hard on myself. Remember that I'm a reborn, so I have to cut myself some slack. However, I mustn't accept excuses.

3. Don't take things too personally. Not everything has to be about me, me, me.

4. Count my blessings every single day of my life.

5. Fight off all negative feelings. Don't deny any feelings, but I don't have to let them conquer me and drown me in self-pity or bitterness.

6. Simplify life as best as I can do. Remember to focus more on my needs, not wants. Remember the most important things in life.

7. Soak up all the good things and emotions in life. Take time to absorb them into my entire being so that joy can be my life theme.

I guess that'd be enough for now. I hope I can remember all these every day of my life.

P.S. Have to add one more before I forget it:

8. Try my best not to grumble. Stop my thoughts before grumbling comes out of my mouth and start focusing on counting my blessings again.