The other day I was feeling really disturbed by several things (not work-related). It's got everything to do with my inner world. It's funny how loud the mind can be when one is warring with oneself. One of the things that disturbed me was the realization that I was disturbed by those things. And it made me even more disturbed. Why did I let myself be disturbed by those things? That was all I could think of at the end of the reflection.
Last night I wrote a very honest and raw post about my feelings and after saving the post, I felt more relieved, though I'm not going to publish the post due to its nature. Prior to writing the post, I just felt this huge ball of pent-up feelings about to explode and because there were several triggers, they became tangled up and I had to sort each of them out in order to figure out the whys and the wherefores. Additional note: Blogging is THE BEST kind of FREE therapy ever!!!! :-D
I'm gonna share some things that I felt (in a more logical tone of voice instead of a jumbling mess of curses and hot-headed emotions) here:
1. When we were busy with our TTC (trying to conceive) program and especially after a year went by without any result (after we joined the ranks of the infertile), I yearned so much to join the motherhood gang. Motherhood was at the top of my mind and I was envious to other people who were able to join it. There was nothing I'd love more than to be able to share the joys and pains of motherhood. It's like daydreaming about going to the moon, so to speak.
After we decided to live "Childless Not By Choice" (CNBC), I began to search for blogs that have the same topic 'coz I don't feel like I can relate much to those people who're still trying to have babies by any means. However, there's this little voice inside me saying that CNBCers probably deem that I'm still "young enough to breed" (going on 34 this year). I was fine with that for some time, but the other day it just hit me that now I'm craving so much to be able to join this CNBC gang. Now that I've stopped yearning about motherhood, I'm yearning to belong in this CNBC gang. But now it feels like I'm waiting for my retirement period - or at least waiting for my eggs to be too old to produce an offspring.
I wanted to scream 'coz I felt so tired. Tired of finding a place to belong. Last night I was listening to Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" and I kept on listening to angsty, dark songs that I felt perfect for my mood. And last night before bed, with still some thoughts warring inside my mind, I prayed to God for healing.
I woke up refreshed and I feel much lighter now, though I had two troublesome dreams that I'd forgotten. I woke up earlier this morning to pee and at that time I remembered those two dreams and I was thinking to myself that they were really symbolic of my warring thoughts. I remember dreaming about my mother burning something - probably a symbol of the road to motherhood that was burnt down.
2. The other day an Indo friend wrote this in Facebook:
"It never ends, does it? When are you gonna get married? Done. When are you going to have a baby? Done. When are you going to give your firstborn a sibling? Done. Aren't you going to try to have another one? ARRRRRGGGHHHH"
Another friend commented: "Yeah, and then it continues: When are you going to have a son-/daughter-in-law? When are you going to have grandkids?"
I was really sick and tired of those kind of questions. Although I'm safe here in Finland and although my Indo family and relatives know about "our problem" and they never said anything much except "We'll be praying for you", the few times I went back to Indo after our marriage, neighbours would ask me about this baby topic. This FB wall post had poked my scars and I was shocked at how upset I felt. I was upset not just for my sake, but for the sake of all those people there who "don't fit the mold" and yet they have to endure such questions so much.
You see, the wall post reminded me of a certain exchange with my neighbour a few years ago. He (yes, he) asked me about when we'd have babies (at the time we were still TTC) and he then asked, "Is your period regular or not? If it's regular then it's good." At that time I was in a good mood (holiday mood), so I wasn't upset (I'd after all, prepared myself months before the trip for nosy questions like this). However, when I read my friend's wall post, I became upset when remembering his question. It's just so out of line. Maybe nowadays I'm getting more and more "westernized" in mind or something. Dunno.
And then I remember another encounter happening last year with a different neighbour. She said, "When are you gonna have kids?"
I said to her, "Well, it doesn't matter now. It's fine even if it's just the two of us."
Immediately she said with a shocked face, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!! I'm gonna pray for you to have kids."
I thanked her and smiled, but deep inside I felt, "You can pray as many times as you want, but if God says no, then it's no. There's no in between."
And remembering that exchange made me wonder if it would have been easier if we had decided not to have kids since the beginning or not, because two relatives that I met last year visited my parents' place on our holiday and they whispered to me, "I'm gonna pray for you both to have kids." Sighhhhhhh...
OK, I'm gonna leave all these negative emotions here in the blogosphere. I don't want to keep carrying them around anymore in my mind...These two aren't the only things bothering my mind, but the post is getting too long already he he...