Sunday, March 25, 2012

Somewhere I Belong

The other day I was feeling really disturbed by several things (not work-related). It's got everything to do with my inner world. It's funny how loud the mind can be when one is warring with oneself. One of the things that disturbed me was the realization that I was disturbed by those things. And it made me even more disturbed. Why did I let myself be disturbed by those things? That was all I could think of at the end of the reflection.

Last night I wrote a very honest and raw post about my feelings and after saving the post, I felt more relieved, though I'm not going to publish the post due to its nature. Prior to writing the post, I just felt this huge ball of pent-up feelings about to explode and because there were several triggers, they became tangled up and I had to sort each of them out in order to figure out the whys and the wherefores. Additional note: Blogging is THE BEST kind of FREE therapy ever!!!! :-D

I'm gonna share some things that I felt (in a more logical tone of voice instead of a jumbling mess of curses and hot-headed emotions) here:

1. When we were busy with our TTC (trying to conceive) program and especially after a year went by without any result (after we joined the ranks of the infertile), I yearned so much to join the motherhood gang. Motherhood was at the top of my mind and I was envious to other people who were able to join it. There was nothing I'd love more than to be able to share the joys and pains of motherhood. It's like daydreaming about going to the moon, so to speak. 

After we decided to live "Childless Not By Choice" (CNBC), I began to search for blogs that have the same topic 'coz I don't feel like I can relate much to those people who're still trying to have babies by any means. However, there's this little voice inside me saying that CNBCers probably deem that I'm still "young enough to breed" (going on 34 this year). I was fine with that for some time, but the other day it just hit me that now I'm craving so much to be able to join this CNBC gang. Now that I've stopped yearning about motherhood, I'm yearning to belong in this CNBC gang. But now it feels like I'm waiting for my retirement period - or at least waiting for my eggs to be too old to produce an offspring. 

I wanted to scream 'coz I felt so tired. Tired of finding a place to belong. Last night I was listening to Linkin Park's "Somewhere I Belong" and I kept on listening to angsty, dark songs that I felt perfect for my mood. And last night before bed, with still some thoughts warring inside my mind, I prayed to God for healing

I woke up refreshed and I feel much lighter now, though I had two troublesome dreams that I'd forgotten. I woke up earlier this morning to pee and at that time I remembered those two dreams and I was thinking to myself that they were really symbolic of my warring thoughts. I remember dreaming about my mother burning something - probably a symbol of the road to motherhood that was burnt down.

2. The other day an Indo friend wrote this in Facebook:

"It never ends, does it? When are you gonna get married? Done. When are you going to have a baby? Done. When are you going to give your firstborn a sibling? Done. Aren't you going to try to have another one? ARRRRRGGGHHHH"

Another friend commented: "Yeah, and then it continues: When are you going to have a son-/daughter-in-law? When are you going to have grandkids?"

I was really sick and tired of those kind of questions. Although I'm safe here in Finland and although my Indo family and relatives know about "our problem" and they never said anything much except "We'll be praying for you", the few times I went back to Indo after our marriage, neighbours would ask me about this baby topic. This FB wall post had poked my scars and I was shocked at how upset I felt. I was upset not just for my sake, but for the sake of all those people there who "don't fit the mold" and yet they have to endure such questions so much.

You see, the wall post reminded me of a certain exchange with my neighbour a few years ago. He (yes, he) asked me about when we'd have babies (at the time we were still TTC) and he then asked, "Is your period regular or not? If it's regular then it's good." At that time I was in a good mood (holiday mood), so I wasn't upset (I'd after all, prepared myself months before the trip for nosy questions like this). However, when I read my friend's wall post, I became upset when remembering his question. It's just so out of line. Maybe nowadays I'm getting more and more "westernized" in mind or something. Dunno.

And then I remember another encounter happening last year with a different neighbour. She said, "When are you gonna have kids?"

I said to her, "Well, it doesn't matter now. It's fine even if it's just the two of us."

Immediately she said with a shocked face, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DON'T SAY THAT!!! I'm gonna pray for you to have kids."

I thanked her and smiled, but deep inside I felt, "You can pray as many times as you want, but if God says no, then it's no. There's no in between."

And remembering that exchange made me wonder if it would have been easier if we had decided not to have kids since the beginning or not, because two relatives that I met last year visited my parents' place on our holiday and they whispered to me, "I'm gonna pray for you both to have kids." Sighhhhhhh...

OK, I'm gonna leave all these negative emotions here in the blogosphere. I don't want to keep carrying them around anymore in my mind...These two aren't the only things bothering my mind, but the post is getting too long already he he...


  1. I'm sorry you have to go through that, Amel. It makes me sad that you feel alienated due to this, and that people's rude questions can sometimes bring painful reminders.

    I don't want to compare my situation to your hardship, but I don't think I'll be able to have children, either. I have no idea about my fertility, but I have multiple sclerosis, and I'm afraid I will somehow pass it on to my kids. Since I'm told that's unlikely, I'm also afraid that I won't be a very good mother because I might someday lose any number of mental or physical abilities.

    Again, I don't mean to suggest that my situation is like yours. I'm fortunate in that, as far as I know, I still have a choice in the matter. I do understand the nagging questions, though. I'm not sure why people think it's their business to constantly know the state of your reproductive plans.

    Anyway, I think it'll just be Rami and me for the duration of our lives, too. If you're ever down south or we're ever up north, maybe we can get together for dinner or something. :)

  2. @Elena: THANK YOU for your compassion and for sharing your condition. SORRY to hear about your MS, though.

    I don't know too much about MS except for a friend's friend who's got that, too, so I understand your concern. In her case, though, pregnancy made her MS symptoms disappear altogether. I do hope that doctors will find a cure or better medication for MS sooner than later!

    Hey, DO let us know if you ever come up north so we can meet up! It'd be great to meet. :-))) And I'll surely let you know if we ever head your way. :-)))

  3. Amel and Elena, I hardly know what to say. I am so sorry, and hearing about the hardships that you both face in different ways, my heart aches for you.

    Amel, it must be especially hard to get intrusive comments from family and neighbours - they must hurt so much, even if well-meant. Even in Finland, I find that older people can be a bit insensitive. My sister in law had a lot of trouble getting pregnant; once we were at her great aunt's house and the old lady, meaning well, patted SIL's tummy and said, "oho, do I see a baby in there?", and SIL said, no, it's just fat... I could see that she was struggling not to cry, and I really felt for her.

    Elena, I can really understand why you would choose not to have children - even if the risk of passing MS on is negligible, physically children do put a lot of demands on a parent, and I can really understand your fears about not remaining well enough to deal with it all. I really and truly hope that you stay in excellent health for a very long time, and that in the interim more and better treatments become available. You are still so young that you have time to change your mind on this one if medicine makes new breakthoughs...

    You are both an inspiration.
    Most of all, you make me stop and remember that just being healthy and having a family are blessings that I should never take for granted.

  4. @Katriina: THANKS for your comment, encouragement, and compassion. Yeah, I can very well imagine your SIL in that kind of situation. It made me cringe reading about that.

    I've told my MIL about our decision to surrender to life without kids and she's taken it very well. Bless her! Other than that there aren't any others bugging me about that topic here in Finland, but in Indonesia it's a whole different matter. That's one of the things that makes me feel reluctant to go back there.

  5. I'm sorry to hear how you've been feeling. I'm glad blogging helped, even if you didn't post all of it!
    Writing is therapeutic isn't it.
    But I wish people would be more senstitive about personal matters, some people just don't think enough do they, even if they are trying to be well meaning!
    Boyfriend and I are frequently asked about a family, and everyone seems to have an opinion and telling me what to do. Again, I know they mean well but I've had to say to boyfriend please can you not discuss matters and be influenced by others, it's nice they care but we need to just smile and say thanks, don't worry, we'll let you know if anything happens!
    I hope people learn to be more senstive when speaking to you.
    And I hope you feel calmer about what's been bothering you. Remember, we're always here to listen and talk, should you want to unburden!

  6. No, the quote is all wrong! It should be...

    "Grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage
    to change the things I cannot accept,
    And the wisdom
    to hide the bodies of those people
    I had to kill today
    because they pissed me off."

    "a good friend shares your tears, but a REAL friend helps you bury the bodies."


    There will always be people who want to measure you and find you lacking - avoid them if you can, find ways to laugfh, if you can... do not take their reality to be yours!

    My ex boss used to nag me about my work... or lack of. FINALLY I got a new job, way better than working with her. She saw me and before she could ask I told her all about my FANTASTIC new job.

    She looks at me...
    finally she speaks and says,
    "So... you're STILLLL not married? Aren't your parents dissapointed???"


    You never win with these kind of people! Even the ones that love you - family or friends - they just can't see what is good and whole and complete - they have to look for what is lacking.

    (((HUG))) for a perfectly YOU Amelia


  7. @The World According to Me: The fact that I published the post meant that I was fine already (or at least feeling much better), so don't worry. THANKS SO MUCH for your support and compassion, though. I REALLY appreciate it! :-D

    And btw, I've written down most of my IF-related thoughts in another blog so that this main blog isn't bombarded with these kinds of posts he he he...and it is really therapeutic! :-)))

    SORRY to hear about you being bothered - hope they stop bugging you and they just let you enjoy your life with your soon-to-be-hubby.

    @M: THANK YOU for making me laugh HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...I'll remember you when I need someone to help me bury new bodies LOL LOL LOL!!!

    I'll remember your advice, too. I'm here shocked to read about your ex-boss. HOW RUDE!!!

    Over here I've actually been pretty safe - the main enemy is myself 'coz if those things don't really matter, then I won't be too bothered - but there are tough days when my wounds are poked and I just grimace and want to slap back ha ha ha...

    You're TOTALLY right about that you'll never wind with those kinds of people. GAAAAHHHH!!!

    (((HUGE HUGS))) THANK YOUUUUU, perfect M, for being PERFECTLY yourself (and for sharing with me)! :-D