Rethinking Miracles

When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen. 

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings. 

When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"

Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president. 

Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"

You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.

So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.