Rethinking Miracles

When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen. 

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings. 

When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"

Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president. 

Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"

You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.

So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.

An Important Letter

I'm in the middle of composing an important letter in my head. I'm going to transfer it to text later. You see, if you're a regular reader, you've probably known that we've decided to surrender to life without kids. After spending a few years trying to conceive and thinking that family = husband + wife + a kid (a few kids), it took A LOT of energy and a long winding healing process to finally switch to thinking that a complete family = me + hubby. My huge hole in the heart has dried up and we've been content with what we have (read: meaning on most days, we can focus more on what we have and be thankful for what we have instead of the hole in our hearts, though there are tender moments here and there). 

During our infertility journey, I've told my mom succinctly about our decisions and every time she seemed to be supportive. Last summer during our holiday, mom wrote me an SMS saying, "Last year on your birthday I woke up early in the morning and sent a prayer to God so that you'd be pregnant. Instead your SIL got pregnant." 

I was shocked when I read that SMS. I told her about our decision to live life without kids already three years ago and back then she said it was a good decision, but last year she was still praying like that? Mind you, I AM thankful that I have a mother who prays for me, but I find that it's rather useless to pray for someone to get something that the person in question doesn't want anymore (that the person in question doesn't even try to get anymore). What's the use for that? I know that I can't control what she hopes for us and I KNOW damn well she means well, but nevertheless I felt sad and upset when I read her SMS. Why? Because what she thinks will make us happier only makes me feel that what we have right now is not enough.


The world is already so full of reminders of our losses and we need all the support we get to live the kind of life that we've chosen. In the past I had some guilt over the fact that I couldn't give my parents any grandchildren, but I've learnt to get rid of the guilt...but I haven't actually told her about this kind of guilt. I'm planning to tell her about this guilt so that she knows how hard it was. Choosing this path hasn't been easy and I need all the support I can get. If the person saying those words isn't my mom, I won't even consider trying to explain all these to her/him, but because I'm still going to keep in touch with my mom, I need and want her to understand my situation better.

You see, a few weeks ago I was talking to mom on Skype and she told me that a long-distance relative of hers came for a visit. When the auntie saw my wedding photos, she realized that I had married a foreigner, so she asked my mom the usual stuff (where I live etc.)

Auntie: "Does she have kids?"
Mom: "Not yet, because she postponed it and used birth control pills."
Auntie: "Oh yeah, I also know someone who used birth control pills to postpone having children and after that they had trouble conceiving. They finally had a child after four years of trying."

Again I was shocked when I listened to the story. I know that my mom didn't just tell me the story for no reason. So she was more or less blaming me for the use of birth control pills? And does that mean she still hopes for a miracle pregnancy? I'm always thankful to have a mom like my mom and I admire her for many different reasons, but I'm struggling with how to tell her gently about all these things (where do I start, how much should I divulge, etc.?). The reason why I finally thought about writing her all these stuff is because next year we're planning to visit Indonesia and I just don't want to hear these kinds of words coming out of her mouth anymore. These kinds of words don't help us in any way whatsoever.



glitter-graphics.com
OK, change topic...I think this is going to be a very memorable Christmas for me because of many reasons. :-D :-D :-D First of all, the gift I sent to someone who was such a heaven sent years ago was welcomed with open arms. I really love people who can not only give, but also receive with open arms. Secondly, I calculated my budget and I made a last-minute order of extra gift for hubby which I hoped will make him smile. Thirdly, at first we thought it would be such a quiet Christmas with just the two of us, but turned out MIL could still enjoy it with us here, so WHOOOOOOPPPPEEEEE for that! :-D Fourthly, I sent something to someone which again I hope will make that person smile. Last but not least, I'm VERY THANKFUL I have enough budget to do all of the above and that I still have a job despite the tough economy. THANK YOU, Lord, for allowing me to do all these things. 


glitter-graphics.com

Why I Blog #2: Self-Worth

Writing the previous post took me back to the past. Actually, the full-time Finnish course started 10 months after I moved to Finland. There was an evening Finnish course in autumn that year, but it wasn't that effective 'coz there were only 20-25 hours of lessons in the course of 3 months. It did help a little, esp. in making me meet other expats living in Sodankylä, but it was not enough for our (all the expats) needs.

Anyhow, I remember during that period I was struggling with my self-worth. The world's voices became SO jarringly loud in my inner ears that I was shaken to the core. I felt "useless" as a human being. I knew I had to start life all over again from zero, but because I'm an adult and not a child, the transition was tough. I had to rely on R2 for many things 'coz in many government offices here (like KELA and employment office), most of them didn't speak English that well (or maybe they're just too shy to do so or they're mostly passive speakers).

I remember on one occasion before I learnt enough Finnish, I went to the employment office alone, told them in English very slowly what I wanted, but the woman sitting in front of me was at a loss on what to say to me. She did understand what I wanted, but she didn't know how to reply me. She grabbed a small Finnish-English dictionary and frantically tried to find the words she needed. I don't remember anymore if another woman helped us or not (vaguely I remember a woman from the next booth leaning in to help) - but in the end in very broken English she told me what she thought.

Anyhow, so I felt "crippled" in many ways at that time. I felt "useless" because this world puts so much emphasis on achievements. What are you? Who are you? What do you do? What is your profession? What is your contribution to the world? How many kids do you have? Where do you live? Do you have this and that and this and that?

glitter-graphics.com

I was "only" a wife. We had no kids. I had plenty of time to kill. My self-worth took a huge dip. I had to learn to use different kinds of tools which I had never seen in my entire life. I had to learn to adjust to life in a cold country. I was determined to enjoy every single moment and I did enjoy many moments and my life with R2 (no traffic jam, fresh air, etc. etc. etc.), but my self-worth was still shaken.

R2 has been tremendous support for me 'coz he's NEVER EVER made me feel stupid, even when I do make stupid mistakes. And thankfully my parents-in-law have been such WONDERFUL help in making my life easier (especially MIL). This in itself is a GREAT blessing 'coz we meet once a week.

However, I had to struggle with my own broken self-worth. I had to remember over and over again that in God's eyes, I'm precious just the way I am. In His eye, each creation is precious. It was so hard to believe that when the world is screaming, "You're nothing when you don't accomplish anything."

During this time I remembered a relative of mine who'd been bedridden for many years (over a dozen years and now perhaps it's almost two decades already). In the beginning his memory was still active, but unfortunately lately it's dwindled a lot (I know this 'coz we visited him a few times over the past decade). I thought of him and pondered, "In God's eyes, he's still as precious as I am. He still loves him as much as He loves me, even though the world thinks he's nothing 'coz he can't work anymore nor can he eat or do other things on his own."

It was really tough to drown out the voices of the world, but over time it got better and better - or at least easier to take a step back and soak in God's love instead of believing what the world says.

Blogging has helped me with my self-worth, as well. After finding friends and being able to interact with them more, I felt more "useful". Even though I may not be able to do anything much, the least I could do was to support someone who needed it and gave encouragement. But still the underlying lesson I learnt during that period was that: In God's eye, each one of us is precious. Period.

glitter-graphics.com

Life has plenty of surprises, though...infertility shook my core and my self-worth again. In the beginning, thinking that I wouldn't be able to be a mother made me wonder about my self-worth. Who am I if I can't become a mother then? Motherhood has been hailed as one of the greatest achievements on earth. I was in a daze in the beginning of our infertility journey and again I had to cling on God's sight when it comes to self-worth.

Yeah, I thought I had learnt the lesson already, but it seemed I still have a LONG way to go. Now that we've surrendered to life without kids, my self-worth has been going steadier compared to the days when we were still actively TTC (trying to conceive). But it was really a long and winding journey. I suppose you can learn the same/similar life lessons in different angles, depth, height, and breadth over the course of a lifetime.

I think one friend of mine summed it the best in one of her emails:

"Our glorious Lord NEVER looks down on us, not once! He knows what we all are from the very start: a lump of dirt that He formed, He chose and decided to create and love anyhow, even when He knew all the chaos and rottenness we mankind would eventually turn into. So there is NOTHING we can do to give ourselves any more value that what we already had from the beginning: the value of piece of dirt. Well that dirt happened to be LOVED, CHERISHED, and DELIGHTED by God. The Mighty Creator delights and rejoices in us, literally jumping in joy because of us, for NO REASON at all, but the fact that He IS LOVE, it's simply His nature."

glitter-graphics.com

Why I Blog

Read a post on this topic on some blogs and it reminded me of my own reasons to blog. When I first moved to Finland, before I learnt the language properly, I was lonely. The full-time Finnish course started about 8 or 9 months after I moved to Finland, so before then I had so much time on my own. In the beginning it was okay (I'm not a people person) and I spent time learning to cook and bake and trying out different recipes. After some time had passed, though, I felt like my brain was about to explode!!!

There were SO many things I wanted to discuss and share with other human beings than hubby. I still didn't have enough ability to discuss these things with MIL (bless her!), so I started blogging and tried to find friends. I just wanted to have "normal conversations" with other adults. I wanted to learn from them, I wanted feedback, I wanted them to hear me out and I wanted to give feedback, too. I visited so many blogs and left many comments here and there in the hope that some of them would feel some connection with me and be my blogger friend.

My closest friends were only an email away, but they couldn't cope with the amount of info nor details that I shared with them (just look at how many blog posts I've produced back in 2007 and 2008 and you can imagine how many SUPER LONG emails I wrote them). After all, each of them has so many other things to do in life than read and reply my emails. Thus another big reason to blog.

After some time, though, the blog provided more than just online friends. It is also a good outlet to try to make sense of what I feel. It's also a good diary to jot down what I've been doing and what I want to achieve and what I've learnt along the ways so that if I ever forget, I can just go back and reread the posts. And boy what a journey it's been!!! :-D

Once we both fell into IF (infertile) category, I also started a separate blog, because I don't think that the readers of this blog want to read posts connected to infertility, but I do need that blog mostly for my own personal diary. I need to pour out my feelings - not only to understand what trigger them or why I feel a certain way, but also to let them all out "in the big vast universe" and then leave them be. I hope that by writing them out, I don't have to carry them on my back anymore. I also need that particular blog to know how far I've gone or where I'm standing in my IF journey and hope that whoever finds it would feel what I felt when I found other IFers' blogs - that I'm not crazy with all the chaotic feelings churning inside me.

I've deleted one Finnish blog 'coz I haven't updated it in a LONG LONG time. Although there's another blog that's half-Finnish half-English that I haven't updated in a LONG time, I'm not going to delete it 'coz some people may need it 'coz I've written my experience when taking YKI testi (Finnish National Test), so I'll just let it be.

P.S. I never really felt like I'm that much into details until a close friend pointed it out in an email that I wrote about my Indo friends' visit to our place. A visited B and then they both came to visit me last year. The story that A wrote us (about what activities A had done in B's place) was much more succinct than the story I wrote about their visit to my place. So from then on I realize that I am crazy about details HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

P.P.S. I've tried reducing the amount of words I use in my emails to my closest friends, mind you...and these days whenever I want to write in such great detail about something, I'd rather do it in my blog than bombard them with my long emails. If they want to read the story in details, I'll just send them my blog post link. This is another lovely reason why I blog - I can write as long as I want to without feeling like I'm bombarding someone else's space. :-D

Friday Favourites: Life on the Blade

Well, I don't normally get on the "Friday Favourites" train, but today I read something that I want to share with all of you who haven't visited this blog yet.

This is the post I read today that I enjoyed immensely and served as great reminders for me:

Fashionably Living a Life of God-Worship?

On a lighter note, let me share this video clip of one of the love songs I heard today. I'm sure most of you knows this one he he he he..."Open Arms" by Journey. I can't find a good original video clip of this song and after checking out so many different ones, here's my last choice. Hope you enjoy it!!!! Btw, the clip is taken from the latest Phantom of the Opera movie.

Journey Video Clip

Used to watch this Taiwanese series, At The Dolphin Bay. I TOTALLY love this song she sings in the series he he he...Hope you enjoy it as well!

Here's Angela Chang with Journey!