Rethinking Miracles

When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen. 

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings. 

When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"

Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president. 

Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"

You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.

So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.

3BT: Random Days

1. My SIL's baby's heartbeats have been confirmed to be stable. So hopefully there will be a healthy baby in August or September this year. Another grandchild for my Mom! :-D

2. After being told that he'd be a big brother, 4 y.o. Ken told his Mom, "You know, I'd love to have a big sister, too." LOL LOL!!! GOOD LUCK with that!!! :-D

3. Seeing perfectly lovely ice flakes forming around my bike saddle. Here are a few pics that I took. 

I took the first pic with an anti-shake mode and the result was blurry, so I took the second one with a regular mode and a flash. The third one is the cropped-up pic of the second one. 

4. Seeing my friend's VERY cute baby pics (after two miscarriages, finally she could get this healthy baby) and I was among the first to receive the pics via email. :-D

5. Spending time with my friend in Rovaniemi after shopping there for a bit he he he he...

6. An uninterrupted long sleep after having a rough night the other day.

The Meltdown

Due to the nature of this post, I'm not allowing any reader comments. I just wish to share what I felt the other day, because this is my blog and the nature of this blog is like a kind of diary and I just want to be honest with myself - because life is not just all roses and sunshine, but it can also be stormy and cold.

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It all started with a little chat with a friend of mine who also suffered from IF (infertility). She has never got a regular period her entire life (sometimes she got a period only every three months and the menstrual blood was never really much). She went on a hormone therapy, got pregnant once, but sadly experienced miscarriage early on. During the chat, she told me that she was finally pregnant again. She said she didn't have her period for FIVE months, so she wanted to go to the gyno to ask him to initiate her period - but as usual the procedure was that she had to do a pregnancy home test in order to make sure she wasn't pregnant. So she did and she found out she was pregnant. WHAT A MIRACLE!!! I congratulated her right away and we continued chatting for a while.

My meltdown happened after the chat. It started slowly but surely...Again I had those nagging questions, "God, when's my turn? Where did we go wrong? Do You deem us unready to be parents?" The questions didn't stop there...they went on and on and on...and they drove me mad...

I KNOW that if God thinks that it's not the right time, then it's not the right time. After all, God says in the Bible that His plans are not my plans and that His timing is the best of all. My logic knows it all, but my heart still felt the kind of sadness that turn into this whirlwind of emotion. I didn't even know I was still so into this "baby making program" until I heard my friend's miraculous pregnancy. That shocked me to the core. I thought I was "taking it easy".

What did I feel? I felt like doing nothing. I felt sad, hurt, helpless. I wanted to just curl myself into a little ball and do nothing. I didn't want to think of anything, yet my thoughts ran wild. I wanted to share this meltdown to my closest friends, but I was afraid that if I did so, they would be wondering how to tell me their good news when they do get pregnant (or when they do get pregnant again). I wanted to share my feelings with hubby, but I was scared that it would make him sad and in turn it would make me sadder, too. So I felt sort of "lonely" in my sorrow.

Other parts of the "dark void of sorrow" that surrounded me also jarred my senses. I was hurting so much that it slipped into my mind the idea of hurting myself physically to move the pain away from my heart. That split second that idea came to my mind, I understood why some people did hurt themselves physically. Mind you that I didn't hurt myself physically, though - but that thought made me realize that I had never gone to that extreme before (never experienced that kind of pain in my heart before). I also felt that it would be nice if death took me away 'coz then I wouldn't have to live with this "hope of becoming a mother" and all the emotional baggage that comes with it if I still haven't gotten pregnant yet.

As you can see, I'm still fully alive. I didn't hurt myself nor try to kill myself, but I did scream out to God silently and pray, "God, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...if You're not going to let us have our own kids, just take away our wish to be parents. I'm begging You." Tears ran down my cheeks no matter what I tried to do to distract myself. That day was one of the toughest days in my life.

After calming down a bit, I went to an online infertility forum to share my feelings and thoughts and everybody there knew EXACTLY what I meant. They all supported me and they all said how IF can make people think of crazy thoughts. They all know that dealing with IF means that there are good days and there are bad days - there are times when you think everything is fine, there are times when IF can make you experience the kind of meltdown that I was having even when I thought I was doing okay.

What next? I still cried on and off that day and I felt so lonely in my sorrow still that I finally decided to tell hubby. At first I couldn't tell him. I just cried on his shoulder, in his arms. Poor hubby must've been SO confused. I could barely speak 'coz I was trying to control my sobbing. After a while I left his arms to wipe my face and to try to calm down. In between my sobbing, hubby asked me what had happened, but I couldn't bring myself to speak. I was scared that the sobbing would shake my entire body to the point that I would not be able to speak at all. That was why I tried to move away to calm myself down a bit.

I sat on the sofa, cried again, then I sat in front of the TV and stared at it (I didn't watch it, it was just a means to distract myself for a while) and after I had stopped crying, I came back to hubby's arms. We held each other tightly and then after a little while he asked me again what had happened. That started another flood of tears...but I finally explained what made me cry. In his usual calm way, he comforted me. He understood my feelings. That was more than enough. He kept on holding me tightly in his arms. Half of my sorrow vanished and I felt safe in his arms.

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I don't know how long this IF journey would last for us and whether it will end the way we want it to end. I have heard some couples who have dealt with IF and are given the gift of miraculous pregnancy (pregnancies). I also know at least a couple who dealt with IF and then decided not to pursue any treatments nor adoption and they live happily. I just want to write this down now so that in the years to come maybe I can look back on this moment and at least have a better understanding on the questions I asked in this post. And maybe for someone who is dealing with IF who reads this post, that person will know that he/she is NOT crazy. It DOES help to know that you're not the only one who experiences this kind of meltdown.

Right now I'm feeling fine. That's why I can finally write this post down. I didn't want to write this post while I was still feeling so sore inside. For all of you who read this post, if you wonder what I want to hear from you about this struggle of ours, then my answer would be: "I'll pray for you" or "Sending you warm thoughts, wishing you all the best". No other words can help, especially when one is feeling so much pain. Not even logical explanations help when your heart is bleeding so much.

However, because I have chosen not to accept any comments in this post, suffice it to say that I THANK every one of you for your prayers and warmest thoughts. No need for any written words. Just being able to publish this post is enough for me. I'm sending all the negative feelings and thoughts I had to the universe and leaving them there...so that my cup runneth over again with positive, warm thoughts and feelings.

Will I Meet Him?

Found out the other day while talking to Mom that my brother's baby's due date is actually on October 20th. Ugh...knowing that most first babies are born later than the due date, I don't know if I can meet the baby or not. FYI, I'm flying back to Finland on October 24th.

The "fun" scenario would be that she starts having signs of labor while Arttu and I are still there, so that we can ALL go to the hospital HA HA HA HA HA HA...That'll be good practise for Arttu, as well hi hi hi hi...

When I wondered out loud to Mom about this, she said to me, "Well, if the baby wants to meet his aunt, then he'll go out while you're in Bandung. If not, then..."

It seems that they're going to name him Kenneth (they're gonna call him Ken), but it's not 100% sure yet he he he...Picking a baby's name is TOUGH!!!

My SIL's on her 33rd week of pregnancy and the baby's predicted to be around 2,3 kgs already he he he he he he...Well, whether or not I'll be able to see him, I hope and pray that everything goes well until he comes out to the world.

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Update on Birth Control

So, finally hubby's decided that I should stop taking birth control pills. Well, he didn't say anything much. He decided it by ordering some condoms ha ha ha ha ha...I still have enough pills until the end of this month, so I'm gonna keep taking them until I have none left and then we'll see how it goes.

It's gonna be interesting to see how my body reverts back to its natural cycle. I started taking birth control pills about a month before my wedding day. The reasons?

1. I wanted my face to be acne free on my wedding day. After all, it only happens once in my lifetime HE HE HE HE HE...I'd had problems with acne during my university years and it cost my parents A LOT of money to help me out with the problem. Of course after I graduated from the university, the acne only came out near my menstruation week. And yes, my regular menstruation period was 7 days.

2. I didn't want to have my period on my wedding day or honeymoon. Since I took the pills, I could "arrange" the time when I had my period. After all, my period didn't happen every 21 days, but sometimes it took 28 days, sometimes 31 days or even longer than that, so I couldn't really predict it if I didn't take the pills.

Well, so far I've only enjoyed the "benefits" of taking the pills. My blood count during my period has been much lighter (and my period only lasted for 4 days instead of 7), plus I don't feel any stomach cramps and I didn't feel too bloated up, either. Plus I don't get any acne problems, too, and it's really practical when I want to arrange the schedule to spend a night at the cabin or something so that it doesn't coincides with my period. However, I know that it's not good to take pills for too long as it ruins my body's natural cycle, so I'm gonna have to let go of all these "benefits" he he he he...

Hmmm...it seems that this post is really a feminine post ha ha ha ha ha...I beg your pardon for my male visitors he he he he...Anyway, I'm really curious about what will happen once I stop taking the pills. I'll write an update about this later on he he he...

We're still going to try having a baby only at the end of the year (or near the end of the year), though. I just thought that it'd be good to have a longer pill-free period before we actually try having a baby (as per MC's advice). And then a month before we try having a baby, I read in one website that it's better for me to start taking folic acid supplements.

I found out in a site that if a woman takes an oral contraceptive pill, then she should wait 3 months before trying to have a baby. So it's all good that I'm gonna stop taking the pills soon he he he he...

I also read that it takes an average of 4 to 5 months to get pregnant, but 85% of couples need a year to get pregnant. We'll see how we're doing later on. I'll surely be telling you ALL about it...well, you know me, I thrive on writing in details HA HA HA HA HA HA...Anyway, if you wanna read the article, go here: Trying to Conceive After Birth Control. Btw, this is NOT a sponsored post he he he he...

I also found out that taking too much of a certain vitamin A could cause birth defect, so pregnant women should avoid eating liver, liver products, and cod liver oil. However, it's OK if you take too much folic acid since your body will get rid of it anyway as it's water-soluble. Here's the info about that: How much folic acid should I take while trying to get pregnant?

Interestingly enough, a site says that you only need to take folic acid when you start trying to have a baby until the fetus is in its 12th week, because then the baby's spine will be developed already. Here's the link: Folic Acid.

Gee...do I sound obsessed about this? Well, not really actually. It's just that I'm curious and I thought that while I have time, I'd just browse about this topic. :-D By the way, can anyone suggest to me good parenting and child care books? I figure that while I still have time, I can prepare myself by reading them he he he he he...Or do you think it's not necessary?

I'm Glad

There's one thing I'd love to share with you all. Even though I was a bit sad that I couldn't be there for my brother's wedding, in a way I'm also glad that I wasn't there. Why? Because it was a wedding party and I knew already what would happen if I could be there alone.

First of all, many people would ask, "How's life in Finland? Are you pregnant already?"

Second of all, they'll continue by asking, "Where's your husband? Why isn't he here?"

Yada yada yada yada...and I'd feel sick and tired trying to explain everything over and over again. For some reason, I think most people think that marrying a foreigner means that I'll be very secured financially.

Just the other day when I was talking to one of my best friends online (the one that didn't have internet connection at home, so she had to go back to her previous house to use her brother's computer), she asked when I was planning on having a kid. And thus we talked about money. I told her that I wanted to have some savings before I had a kid. After all, even though I'll get some benefit when I'm pregnant and after I give birth, I don't know how much it'd really cost to have a baby here. I don't know how much it costs to buy all those necessary baby stuff (though I'll try to find used clothing, as well).

Plus I told her that since we had loaned some money from the bank to buy a new used car, then we couldn't really save. At first she probably thought that my hubby's income was SO huge. Of course my hubby's income is huge if it's converted to rupiah, but then again the taxes here are huge, as well. The only difference is that the taxes you pay to the government here won't be corrupted and you can live decently when you're retired without having to worry about money. But still living on one income in Finland doesn't mean that we can have a vacation abroad every summer. In fact, we have to be really careful with our expenses. That's why I'm SO happy that I can start making money online.

The problem is if even my best friend had that kind of thought, what about everybody else in Indonesia? How can I explain this to everybody back in Indo who probably thinks that we can afford anything?

One thing I dread of when coming back home is the questions I wrote above. I know I don't have to explain anything to them, but it's just bothering me to know that they have all those questions. Maybe when I come back to Indo one day (without a child and without my hubby), I should print out two different explanations on leaflets and then if someone asks something, I'll simply take one and give it to them HA HA HA HA HA HA...Wouldn't it be grand? Yes, I might just try this if I need to HUE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...;-D

I don't know why the pregnancy question bothers me A LOT these days. MAYBE it has something to do with the fact that I DO want one already, but I know this is just not the right time. If God chooses to give me one now, I'll feel HAPPY, but still I want to focus on studying Finnish first before I get busy with my baby. I reckon that once the baby's there, I won't be able to focus on studying Finnish, right?

I've told my Mom about this and she's fine with this he he he he...HIP HIP HURRAY for my Mom!!!! She even encouraged me to save money and she said that she'd been praying to God to open doors for me to be able to get some income. Bless her!!! ;-D But anyway, it seems to me that she can't wait to have a grandchild from my brother HUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Ahem...;-D

OK, I have to go to the supermarket again 'coz I forgot to buy some spinachhhhhh. I'm gonna make lasagna and I want to make mine with spinach. Hubby doesn't like spinach so I'm gonna make two batches of lasagna he he he he...;-D

I Confess!!!

Michelle tagged me to do this meme. It was originally written by PV of "Finding Me".

Here are some of my confessions:

1. I get SO pissed off whenever someone (usually from Indonesia), says to me, "Hi, how are you. Oh, now you live in Finland? So far away from Indonesia. Are you pregnant already? Any kids?" I know those are just chit-chat questions, but I don't think it's good to ask about pregnancy or kids. After all, NOT everybody can get pregnant easily and NOT everybody plans on having kids right away. Besides, some people can't have kids. People have different situations.

I also get pissed off if someone tries to tell someone else, "It's better to have kids whose age difference isn't too big." So? Just because you believe something is good for your family doesn't mean it will be good for another family. It's all up to each family to decide whether or not to have kids, to have just one kid, or whatever...even though in the end it's all up to God.

2. I once lied to my teacher and she knew about it. But in the end I found out I wasn't REALLY lying after all. Confused? Here's the story. For my accounting classes in High School, I had to bring several notebooks plus some photocopies. One day I thought I had forgotten to bring one of the photocopies. I PANICKED, so I went to another classroom that had different schedule to borrow one from one of my friends there. Turned out I forgot that during that period of time, the time schedule per class was changed. So I didn't return it back to her on time, so she had to ask permission from the accounting teacher to go to my classroom to get back her photocopy. ARRRGGGHHHH indeed, right?

Then after that I got cold sweat all over me...so the teacher knew!!! After break came our accounting session and right from the start she asked anyone to admit if they had forgotten to bring their photocopy. I was such a coward that I didn't raise my hand even though she had known that I had forgotten it. I sensed that she had lost her trust in me right there and then. You know what was really crazy? When I got back home, I took out everything from my bag and the photocopy was LYING at the bottom of my bag, hidden by all the other books.

But what can I say to my teacher? I couldn't have told her about that fact as it was irrelevant. In her eyes, I had become a liar. *sob sob* I've never really said anything to her, but in this post I'd love to say SORRY to her for being such a coward. What I did was wrong, even though in the end I found out that I had brought the photocopy.

3. Same as Blur Ting, I don't thrive on criticism. I just shrink back when I hear criticism and I can really begin to curse myself over and over and over again because of that. I think I've learnt to stop cursing myself too long over the past few years...but I still think I can't handle criticism as well as some people do.

4. It's easier for me to remember faces than names. I forget many names of my ex university friends, but I still remember their faces.

5. I'm such a sleepyhead that I never really had problems going to sleep, except the few times when I drink too much coffee or when I have too many things in my mind (or during the time I tried working at a factory).

6. And again just like Blur Ting, I dislike big parties, esp. when I don't know many people there. That's why it's fine for me to go to a relative's wedding party even though it's a big party. At least then I can talk to some relatives of mine. But basically speaking, I dislike big parties when it's MY party.

7. I love talking one-on-one rather than being in a big group. If I am with a big group, esp. if most of them are Sanguine/Cholerics, then most of the time I get less chance to talk. When you talk one-on-one with someone, the conversation tends to be deeper and both parties can share more things than if you talk in a big group of people. Plus you get distracted easily when you're in a big group of people. A and B talk about something, C and D talk about something else, and the rest may talk about another topic. ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!! I thrive on QUALITY TIME, thank you very much he he he he...

8. I once conducted an experiment. To read the complete story, go here.

OK, I think that's enough for now. I'm going to blog-hop now. Didn't have time to do it yesterday. I've been busy, busy, busy. I'll tell you later, OK?