Rethinking Miracles

When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen. 

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings. 

When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"

Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president. 

Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"

You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.

So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.

Walking Home

Lots of snow was falling slowly. Slow enough for me to almost be able to distinguish the forms of the snowflakes falling from the sky. The roads and sidewalk were almost empty that Sunday evening. The rather chilly temperature didn't dampen my spirit, because I was on my way home from work and the scene was just too beautiful to describe. When the snow fell down slowly like that, it felt as though life were moving forward in a slow motion. I felt reminded to cherish each moment in time and not to rush forward. To focus on the moment.

I took out my mobile phone and plugged the earphones to my ears. Then I chose a song from my list and chuckled when I realized that a pair of snowflakes that had attached themselves to each other fell on my mobile phone's screen. Oh, how I wish I could have taken a picture of that pair of snowflakes! All around me the snow kept on falling steadily, gently, slowly.



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While listening to one of my favourite songs on the list, I sang along out loud on the sidewalk. Bliss! Where else can I do that without bothering anyone except here? The world seemed so hushed.  No need to hurry. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the song. Sing your heart out to your delight!

I took out my mobile again after the song had finished to choose another song after that one was finished because I didn't want to listen to the next one on the list. My mobile had no capacity to do a random play of the songs on my list. Soon after my thumb hit on another song title, my ears welcomed the song with a smile (if they can smile, they were definitely smiling widely). And I couldn't resist the temptation to sing out loud again.

I felt free. I felt at peace. I felt as though the world was big enough for everyone of us. And my heart almost exploded with joy when I arrived home and I was welcomed with bear hugs and kisses. Oh, the simple joys of life!

Tears of Joy

*cross-posted with my IF blog - modified a little*

A few weeks ago hubby was rearranging some stuff in our living room cabinets. He was moving some stuff when he decided to browse through our wedding album again. He had a joyful, sentimental smile on his face while he leafed through the album and then he said, "Oh look, what a cute girl!"

He leafed through some more pages and said with a cheeky smile, "Lucky bastard!" (referring to himself jokingly)

I smiled, too...after he finished browsing through the album, he came towards me (who was at that time lying down on our soft, comfortable sofa-bed) and hugged me and said "I love you" in such a way that made my heart flutter.

I couldn't help the tears from flowing. It was a LONG journey for us until we could be together as husband-and-wife and we've managed to kick IF in the butt by not letting it go between us and our love. With tears free-flowing on my cheeks, I hugged him, kissed him, and said, "I love you too. Look where are are now! I can't believe it's over 10 years ago when we first got in touch with each other through the internet."

He let me go, looked me in my eyes, wiped my tears, and said, "Don't cry!"

I replied, "But these are tears of joy. I'm just happy!"

We hugged and kissed some more...moments like these are really precious...Looking back at what we've gone through to reach this point has made me realized how ABUNDANT God's blessings have been for us. And my heart is full of gratitude...because I have my beloved, precious hubby with me.

I knew I loved him before I met him...I hope we can keep growing closer to each other as time goes by NO MATTER WHAT comes our way.


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What a Day!!!

Today's been an INCREDIBLE day for me HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO...

1. I received a mysterious package from Michelle Frost from Scotland (Crow's Feet). She not only sent me birthday gifts, but also Christmas gifts. Being the good girl that I am sometimes (ahem!), I'm gonna wait till X-mas before I open the X-mas gifts he he he he...

Anyhow, just wanna say to her:

THANK YOU SO MUCH for the SURPRISE!!!
IT WAS LOVELY!!! ;-D

2. One colleague asked me how old I was and then she said, "Oh, my, you look younger than your real age!" HO HO HO HO HO HO...Having just turned 30 years old the other day, "my nose grew big" after hearing such a response HA HA HA HA...

In Indonesian language, if a person is given a compliment and then she or he feels proud of himself, we say "his or her nose grows bigger" LOL LOL LOL!!!

3. This evening I received EXTREMELY good news from hubby that we can PAY OFF our debt to the bank tomorrow HO HO HO HO HO HO...Remember that last year we bought off R2's eldest brother's second-hand car by loaning money from the bank? We've been paying it off bit by bit every month but as you know, we still have a LONG way to go...but now we can pay it off HO HO HO HO HO...It's a MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!! ;-D

So my heart is filled with JOY JOY JOY today. WOOOOOOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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3BT: December 30, 2007

1. Hubby lovingly taking out something that didn't belong there from below my left eye. Thanks, Honey!!! ;-D

2. Tuna puff pastry. VERY VERY DELICIOUS!!! I also added some bits of smoked reindeer for the filling. I bought the frozen pastry in the supermarket, so all I needed to do was make the filling. Side note: I'm CRAZY about puff pastries even though they're fattening and high in cholesterol HA HA HA HA...

3. The joy welling inside me when hubby trotted down to the kitchen with a big grin on his face to grab a tuna puff pastry and then he said it tasted SO nice. Side note: He claimed earlier that he wasn't too fond of tuna, but the fact that he liked it must have meant that I did something right when cooking the pastry filling he he he he...

4. Finding a last-minute ad-writing opportunity that worth quite a lot HUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

5. Realizing that we have SO MUCH food left in the freezer and in the fridge. That means I can cut down on my grocery shopping budget this week and I can instead buy some fruit or other stuff I don't normally buy HUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

A List of Lessons I've Learnt and Re-learnt This Year

I decided to write this list since it's near the end of this year. I just wanna remind myself of the lessons I've learnt and re-learnt this year. There are new lessons and old lessons learnt once more. I may update this list later on, but so far here is the list I've compiled. Before I start, I'd also LOVE to know the lessons you've learnt or re-learnt this year. I wanna learn from all of you. ;-D

1. Letting Go.

This has not been an easy lesson for me. I tend to hold people too tightly in my arms and I expect much from the closest ones. I have learnt and re-learnt this lesson lots of times this year. Besides my expectations from those people closest to me, I've also learnt to let go of my past: my job, my hometown, my friends, my family, and everything else I have left behind that I can't possibly have here. I'm pretty sure that there will be plenty of other lessons on letting go, though. ;-D

2. God truly has a magical way of opening "unexpected" and "unseen" doors for me. It's truly amazing to see His plans unfolding bit by bit, one step at a time, in my life. Thank you, Lord!!!

3. Loving myself despite myself. This is one lesson I should learn all the days in my life, but since I left my job and everything behind, I have learnt more lessons on loving myself.

4. The benefits of networking. In my "previous" life, I used to rely on other people's network instead of building my own network. Only after I moved to Finland do I have these MANY friends. I feel SO blessed!!!!

5. Being proactive ---> this is related to #4. If I didn't become proactive (blogging and building network), I think I would be TOTALLY depressed right now: no friends, no possibility of getting some income online, no nothing.

6. The joys of being a wife and having a new family plus the joy of cooking and baking. Honestly speaking, on the plane to Finland, I freaked out. The "what ifs" came barging into my head and my mind started thinking of "worst case scenarios". Gladly everything has been MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more WONDERFUL than even my most positive thoughts!!! HIP HIP HURRAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!! And I never thought I'd love cooking and baking this much. *tee-hee*

Well, having a hubby who eats everything I cook no matter how bad it looks and who always comforts me whenever I make mistakes DOES help TREMENDOUSLY in making me enjoy everything here. ;-D

7. The prices I have to pay for pursuing my dream. Being far away from my parents and brother is one of them. It's toughest when one of them gets sick or when one of them has some inner problem and I can't be there for them physically. It's also tough when I can't be there on special occasions like my brother's wedding, but I've gotta pay the price no matter what!

8. Not complaining. One of my first resolutions when I moved to Finland was to catch myself before I started complaining. So far I think I've done a great job in this area. However, I must be wary all the time. :-))))

9. Not taking things too seriously. This is another one of my first resolutions when I moved to Finland. It is HARD for me to do this since all my life I had been such a sensitive person, but honestly speaking, my hubby has helped me A LOT in this department with his easy-going personality. ;-D

10. Learning to accept that my mistakes don't make me and learning to laugh at myself whenever I make mistakes. Learning to laugh at myself hasn't been easy for me. Funny thing is that the first time I managed to do it was only after I moved to Finland. So moving to Finland has been GOOD for me! HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...

11. Joy is found in precious fleeting moments that oftentimes go unnoticed. I have to be really alert in order to be able to cherish those moments.

12. One of humans' greatest weaknesses is to take things for granted. I'm learning not to take things for granted and to be thankful all the time. I have to remind myself about this over and over again.

13. Live as though I'd die tomorrow, plan as though I'd live forever. I'm trying to follow this adage so that my life is balanced and I can enjoy today as much as I love planning for the future.

14. It's definitely NOT easy at all to practice what you preach.

15. Learning to relight and feed my inner child. I've been wacky and crazy in front of my hubby and it feels OHHHHH SOOOOO GOOOODDDD!!!! Plus I also awaken his inner child, so both of us are sometimes like little kids goofing around he he he he...

16. The danger of being too focused on money. I can be consumed with the ambition of saving more and more money that I lose focus on the MOST important things in life that money can't buy.

17. Dressing up in layers is the best tactic for the worst kind of weather and human body loses heat the fastest through their heads, so I have to make sure I put on a warm cap whenever it's so cold outside.

18. I learn that being me is enough and that I'm where I'm supposed to be.

P.S. Don't forget to check on my Plumper Snowman pics here.

3BT: November 9-10, 2007

1. Talking to my brother and my Mom via Skype. They're a bit under the weather due to the changing season, but they're fine and the wedding invitations are all printed and ready to be sent.

2. Watching shimmery snow under my feet. When I walked outside as it got dark, I realized that under the light of the street lamps, snow looked like a sheet of gazillion tiny particles of diamonds, shimmering in the dark. It was SO lovely! All those years watching snow on TV, nobody's ever told me about this! It was SO magical! I wish you could see it for yourself (for those who haven't experienced it): sparkly, shimmery snow...mmmmm...

3. The joy of making my first "perfect" cake for Father's Day with hubby's help he he he he he...

4. Tucking hubby under the blanket on the couch after he got home from work. Mmmm...

5. Seeing my in-laws and hubby enjoying the cake I made and then hearing them say, "It's GOOD." Ahhhhh...such a delicious feeling!!! *wink*

6. MAKING MY OWN SNOWMAN with the help of hubby! He he he he he...I'll post it tomorrow he he he...

7. Eating hot reindeer soup made by mother-in-law as it was snowing outside. I was craving for soup, soup, soup he he he he...

8. Finding a cheaper Dean Koontz book online to buy for my hubby's Christmas gift ho ho ho ho ho ho...SPLENDID!!!

9. Coming home in the car, feeling like I was being on top of the world and then flying he he he he he...I could feel my entire body bursting with joy, joy, joy!!! I could literally feel every pore in my body bubbling over with joy. It felt SO good to magnify every single WONDERFUL moment that I had experienced and absorb it completely.

3BT: September 6, 2007

1. Listening to some praise and worship music and finding joy in my heart. I felt like dancciiiinnnnnggggggg!!! WOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!

2. Seeing a cute red squirrel again from our kitchen window. Haven't seen the fellow in a while now, so it was a NICE surprise.

3. Hubby warming up my side of bed before I entered the bedroom. I was SO touched by his thoughtfulness.

4. Really studying Finnish well these past two days (doing plenty of exercises as well). YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY for me!!! ;-D

JOY!

Joy's bursting through my veins

I'm enjoying this feeling

And I just wanna praise God

And dance with the groove of this song:

"Shackles" by Mary Mary

Whoo!
It sure is hot out here
Ya know?
I don't mind thought
Just glad to be great
Know what I'm saying, uh!

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
(What'cha wanna do?)
I just wanna praise you
(Yeah, yeah)
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
(Uh feel me?)
And I'm gonna praise you
(What'cha gon do?)
I'm gonna praise you

In the corners of mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been down for so long
Feel like the hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gon lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you
(repeat x3)

Take them off
What'cha gonna do, yeah

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you