Rethinking Miracles

When I was first realized that we were infertile, I went into research mode. I tried to find as many blogs and articles as possible to understand my options and how others had survived through it all. Many people ended up with children at the end of their infertility journeys (either through adoption, miracle pregnancies, both, or pregnancies through different treatments). A small percentage ended up without children and that fact haunted me at that time. When one is still hopeful, one doesn't really want to think of that option, but a realist side in myself couldn't let go of that option. My brain loves thinking of extremes, because it loves preparing myself mentally for what can happen. 

In the beginning of my infertility journey, I tried looking for Christian resources, as well, but to be honest I was rather disappointed because of the lack of resources AND the fact that among those that I could find, many of them seemed to mostly refer to the miracle pregnancy stories in the Bible. But what if that wasn't His plan for us? That was what a small voice in me was saying. Mind you, I did find one or two Christian resources that also realistically pointed out to the fact that "no children" may be one of infertility endings. 

When I shared some of my angry feelings and thoughts in the beginning of my journey, some well-meaning people responded, "Just relax, it'll happen someday" or "Just keep on praying and don't give up" or "You can adopt"...Over and over again whenever I heard those words, I couldn't help thinking, "But what if God says no? Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought about the complications of adoption?"

Probably because children have always been strongly emphasized in Christianity as God's blessing, it was all the more like a bitter pill to swallow when children were denied from you. As if you had done something wrong or you hadn't done enough to earn them. After all, having children is supposed to be "easy", unlike going up the career ladder for example or building a business empire or becoming a president. 

Throughout my journey now, I've been thinking about miracles and how many people tried to comfort me by letting me know of "so-and-so who tried to have kids for so many years and then finally they had children". Again I know they meant well, but I still went back to the initial thought of, "It's all good for them, but are you absolutely sure that's what God has planned for us?"

You know, we all love grand miracle stories, but I'm starting to think twice about miracles. The miracle in our infertility journey doesn't come in the form of a baby, but it's in the form of how the journey itself has molded me and has taught me so many things that I wouldn't have known otherwise. The miracle in our journey is that I'm learning to love myself and others in more ways than I could have ever done before. The miracle in our journey is that He has granted us peace beyond understanding and He has helped us walk hand-in-hand and I actually believe that He has helped strengthen our relationship and marriage as a result. The miracle in our journey is that I have found so many inspirational women out there who have helped me walk my journey. The miracle in our journey is that there is joy in and from Him - even when He says no.

So now I'm going to sing HALLELUJAH for all His miracles!!!!! All for Your glory, my Lord! :-D :-D :-D I still need to learn so many things throughout this journey, but these days I'm excited to learn more. Bring it on! :-D I know I'm not alone.

3BT: Random Days

1. A customer bought a few stuff but then realized that she had 30 cents less than what she had to pay. When I was asking her what item she wanted to take out, the guy behind her immediately said, "Don't take anything. Here, let me just give you 30 cents." The woman thanked him profusely. :-D

Sure it wasn't a big amount of money, but not everyone would do that and it's lovely to witness something like that. :-D

2. My first batch of summer holiday is coming soon and we're going on a week cabin trip. WOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Can't wait!!! :-D

3. Thankful that in this tough economy, we still have jobs and we're still able to do some budget trips on our holidays. 


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4. My BPPV symptoms have been much less and less severe in a short amount of time and I'm even thinking of exercising again. My body's itching for a real exercise. Here's to regaining health!!! :-D

5. A friend's dad's bypass surgery went very well and it seems that so far the recovery period has been well, too. HALLELUJAH!!!!

6. Reading this prayer that I found accidentally:

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”
 

7.  Small epiphanies that allow me to understand some things even better than before. I cherish them with all my heart! :-D

8. Hubby for making me laugh a lot 'coz of his antics. :-D 

Addition: Just had a full blown exercise - sweating and all that. Now I feel VERY VERY fresh. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Feels WONDERFUL to be able to exercise again. :-D 

3BT: August 14, 2007

1. Both of us saying the EXACT same words at the EXACT same time and we ended up laughing together.

2. Another MIRACLE happening yesterday. A friend of mine living here (a British woman and her family) called me to tell me about a basic Finnish course for foreigners. It starts next month. She's SO SWEET to have thought of my possibly not having received a letter about that particular course and she volunteered to call them to register the three of us (herself, her hubby, and me). HALLELUJAH for God's ANGELS on earth!!! HALLELUJAH for His divine intervention so that there is finally a Finnish course in this little village. (Side note: Do you know how LITTLE is the chance for anyone to organize a Finnish course for foreigners in such a little village like this???? Almost zit!!!).

3. The EXCITEMENT bubbling inside me for I'm enrolled in the course (my friend confirmed to me already about it last night - usually they only provide limited seats, so I'm HAPPY I'm in!!!). YIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!

4. Feeling my facial skin rejuvenated after putting on some face mask. MMMMMMMM...I LOVE face mask!!!