Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

On Writing

Sometimes words find me. I may not be actively searching for any ideas to write, but then they just come to my mind and it's like they beg me to write them. Sometimes their voices are very strong and the longer I postpone writing those words, the stronger they become and the clearer they get. They won't leave me alone until I write them down. As if they kept on saying, "Write us! Write uuuusss!" over and over and over again.

Other times I struggle to put all the pieces together into a post, because I may be still be wondering how to end the post or I may still be trying to think of all the pieces in that post and still not sure of the best way to convey what I want to say in one particular post. The subject matter may be touchy or complex or it may be about an ongoing problem to which I have no answer(s) yet. 

There are also occasions when I read someone else's blog post and then the post awakens another post within my mind. I especially love being enlightened by someone else's post that prompts me to write a post of my own. The post I read may shift, change, or widen my perspective or it may even be teaching me new stuff that I never knew before.

And let's not forget those posts that I leave half-finished in my draft. Sometimes I do get back to those half-written posts and finish them, but other times I just leave them be because the mood has changed and it's almost impossible to go back to writing with the same tone of voice or depth of feelings. It's a bit of a shame whenever I lose the chance to capture the moment (the tone of voice or the depth of feelings). 


glitter-graphics.com

I LOVE getting inspirations out of nowhere at the weirdest time of any day, though the problem with this kind of inspiration is that they may come right before I fall asleep or even in the middle of sleep (I wake up to pee and before I go back to sleep, the words find me) and when that happens, I get too lazy to get up and write them down (especially if I have work the next day), so what I try to do is just repeat them several times in my brain and tell my brain to remember at least the gist of the post and the next day I try to quickly transform them into a post. However, I have also lost plenty of posts because I leave it too long or I don't repeat the ideas several times and things happen and the words leave me after a while. That is a shame, but at least every once in a while I read someone else's writing that does remind me of those thoughts and I enjoy experiencing those moments, as well.

There are also those rare occasions when I just click on "write a blog post" and start from scratch without any specific idea what I'm about to write. Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. Sometimes my writing ideas start from a subject matter that I haven't exactly developed yet in my brain, but when I start writing about it, the words just flow out without any restraint.

All in all, I have always loved writing, but I LOVE it even more now than ever before. Writing has been very cathartic and it's also allowed me to connect with other people. Words have substantial power, not just for other people, but also for yourself. How about you? How do you find ideas to write? Do words also find you sometimes?


P.S. Here's my latest creation in the weekly challenge group that I've joined in. The incident I described below happened in High School.

Weekly Challenge: Fear

Stay calm, Amel. Picksomebodyelsepicksomebodyelsepicksomebodyelse....

He looked around the room and then I heard him say my name.

ShitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitSHIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!

I got up from my seat, walked a few steps forward, got up the two steps of the long wooden platform, picked up a piece of chalk, and tried to think of a solution to the tricky Math equation on the blackboard.

Think, brain! Which formulas should I choose to break this down? THINK FAST!!! I don't want him to yell at me!

Famous for his temper, when the teacher yelled at us, his voice carried through the neighbouring classrooms and I certainly didn't want to be the victim of his wrath.

I started writing down the solution to the equation, though I wasn't sure at all whether it was the right one. The hand that gripped the chalk started to feel damp. Forty pairs of eyes were focusing on me.

Ugh. What next? I'm stuck!

The teacher got up from his seat, walked across the length of the room, opened the door of the classroom, clasped his arms in front of his thin body, and looked out.

I could see his movement from the corner of my eyes and when I realized that he wasn't looking at me, I slowly turned around and tried to make some frantic-yet-discreet S.O.S. signals to my seatmate because she was brilliant at Math. Alas, she had no time to help me because the teacher started turning around to face the classroom again.

I wrote something down, erased it, then wrote something else, then erased it. Tick tock tick tock tick tock...He closed the door, walked back towards his seat and sat down. I didn't know what else to write. A few seconds later, I felt a mini earthquake.

Oh no, an earthquake at this exact moment? You've gotta be kidding me! No, no, no, focus on the equation! The teacher's staring at you now! OK OK OK OK OK. Stop the earthquake already!!!! It's ruining my concentration! GRRRRRRRR!!!!! How can I solve this bloody equation?

Wait a minute! How come the entire class is so calm then even though the earthquake hasn't stopped yet? Hmmmm...but I can still feel the tremors...what the?

HOLY SMOKES! So the culprit is my own legs!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!! Help meeeeeee!!!

With legs still buckling on the wooden platform, the teacher breathed out a deep sigh and finally told me to sit down.

Phew!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Psyching Up

Tomorrow is the dreaded interview day. I'm excited, but also getting giddy with the anticipation ha ha ha ha...I hope tomorrow morning comes ASAP so that I know what's going to happen next. Mind you that I'm NOT applying for a real job, so I'll just be helping out in the daycare if they decide to take me in - meaning I ain't gonna get any salary, but I'll get some money from the government.

Last night I had a talk with a friend who's out of her comfort zone - she quit her job after being there for 9 years and now she wants to try applying to be a teacher. She's never done that before and she's like a fish out of water, esp. when she realized that some teachers in the school had studied abroad and some of them are even native speakers. While talking to her, I realized this:

"Wouldn't it be MUCH better if we treat ourselves like we treat our best friends?"



While talking to this friend last night, I realized that we have the tendency to downplay our own abilities or even our own potential due to FEAR. We fear the unknown, we are afraid of looking like fools in a new environment where we don't know how well we can handle the pressure/challenges 'coz we have never been there. If I tell her about my insecurities, she'll tell me about the good sides I have to encourage me and if she tells me about her insecurities, I'll also do the same thing...but when do we become our own best friend? When do we pat ourselves on the back and inject ourselves with good, positive thoughts when we jump into an unknown zone? When do we stop making excuses about our lack of abilities and just DO IT?

Another thing I realize during our chat was that we sometimes care too much about what other people think and that puts a HUGE burden on our backs already EVEN before we try doing something new.

It's easy for us to be intimidated when we're in a new place and we look around the place and we see other people shining like "diamonds" and we feel so dirty, grimy, lackluster and we wonder if we can shine at all. I want to STOP feeling intimidated and just DO IT. I want to
STOP comparing myself with others and if I'm given a chance to try, I want to just DO IT and see how far I can go. If I find myself not liking that particular field and not being good at it, at least I know that it's not where I belong and I can just try to find something else which would be more suitable for me.

I WANT to STOP making excuses for myself. I want to give myself a break for being a novice, for not knowing anything much, for making mistakes. I want to treat myself like I treat my own best friend. I want to give myself a pat on the back simply for trying and smile at my own reflection. You go, girl!!!


Sunday, January 27, 2008

Debilitating Fear

Note: This is the post that I've been wanting to write since I heard the news about my uncle's death, but I needed time to sort out my thoughts.

Fear can be debilitating. After getting news about my uncle's death, there were so many "what if" questions rapping their knuckles eagerly at my door. A few minutes after taking the news in, I realized that the SMS could have been about one of my parents or even both of them. I had sometimes prayed to God that if it was His will, I would love to be able to go back to Indonesia when one of my parents died (not in a situation where I'm almost giving birth or that I'm renewing my residence permit or something else that makes me unable to go to Indo).

Then I started realizing that my husband could die before me and fear started slithering inside, ready to choke me. My brain kept on asking me, "What if Arttu dies when you're pregnant? What if he dies before you get pregnant? What will you do next? Will you continue living here or will you go back to Indonesia? What if...what if...what if...?"

Being born and raised as a planner made my brain automatically started asking me those uninvited questions. More and more questions popped out...

I used to have a problem hearing people say, "If it's God's will, then I'll do this and that." Why? Probably because I've seen some of them prayed and fasted with all their might without doing their parts. They even used other people's resources without permission and then they dared thank God for those "blessings" and they told those people whose resources they used, "May the Lord pour His blessings upon you."

However, recently I've changed my mind. We DO have to do our parts, yet the bottom line is: since I believe that He's the God that created everything and that can take away our lives just with a twitch of His eye, that means that EVERYTHING else is under His govern. Of course I have free will and I can do anything I want to do, but still if His time has not come yet, no matter how much I want it to happen NOW, it won't happen. And if somehow I can force it to happen NOW, nothing good will come out of it.

I was gripped by fear during one night while lying awake in our bed, thinking about the "what if" questions...but at the end of the reflection, I was reminded again that God wouldn't give me more than I could bear and that His plans were good plans and not evil plans. I was reminded to surrender to Him completely and to let go of my worries and my need to control everything or at least to anticipate everything.

And then it struck me how WELL He'd been taking care of me. I started remembering that when I moved to Finland, I had NO idea how I could find a Finnish course or how my husband could find a permanent job or how I could find friends in Sodankylä or how I could find some income online or how I would survive in this cold country, but in due time everything worked out well, haven't they? Even MUCH MUCH MUCH better than my wildest hope. All I needed to do was trust Him to open or close doors for me and wait for His perfect time to unfold.

Well, as you can imagine, only then I could start drifting to sleep peacefully. I breathed a sigh of relief as I left the rest of my worries to Him and just left them there.

Ironically, I find that trusting God isn't as easy as ABC. In normal circumstances, when everything seems to work out just fine for me, it seems easy to trust God. Oh yes, God has provided everything I need and I needn't worry. Life couldn't have been better!!! I'm on a roll!!! YIIIHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

However, no matter how much I WANT to trust Him with all my heart, mind, and soul, in critical situations, I doubt and worry and fear.

But then again, without those doubts and those critical situations, I wouldn't be able to let my faith grow, would I? So let me just let my faith be shaken and stirred...and hopefully I'll always cling to God and surrender to Him at the end of the day and become more graceful and gentle and more loving and more teachable...until my last breath.


Image taken from here

Thursday, August 23, 2007

3BT: August 22-23, 2007

1. Being spooked again by my hubby.

2. Pretending to sulk for exactly 5 seconds after being spooked. LOL!!!

3. Being squeezed A LONG time last night. He wouldn't let go. It's one of the BEST feelings in the whole wide world. *grin*

4. Teeth are WONDERFUL, esp. if you've got no problem with any one of them (going to the dentist can be SO expensive). You can chew food with them and best of all, I LOVE being nibbled!!!

5. Reading these words today:


He (God) knew the size of my pain, the color of my frustration, the fabric of my fears, and the fashion of my insecurities.

SUCH comforting words!!! ;-D


6. The anticipation brewing inside me as I'm about to buy ice-cream at the supermarket soon. YIIIPPPIIIIIIEEEEE!!!! There are SO many choices. I wonder which one I'll pick today. I'm drooling already. *tee hee*

7. The wind rustling the leaves.

8. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my back MMMMMMM...

9. Hubby running to the door to hug me tightly. He came home for lunch break while I was at the supermarket. Now I know how WONDERFUL it felt to be greeted like that. *HUGE grin*

10. A cluster of birds flying away as I was passing nearby. I LOVE Finnish nature!!! ;-D

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Answers to Tough Questions

I love "Anwers to Tough Questions" in Our Daily Bread (you can find Our Daily Bread link in my sidebar). Today I read about this particular question and I'd love to share the answer with you.

Here's the question:

Is it possible for a genuine believer to be overwhelmed with fear and despair?


And you can read the answer here.

I also LOVE the fact that they acknowledge that there are types of depression that may need PROFESSIONAL help without judging that they're lack of faith or anything.

Here's one of the questions asked on such matter:

Should I be concerned about this cloud of hopelessness that seems to hang over me?

You can find the answer here.

And here's another question asked by MANY people:

Why would an all-powerful God permit evil?

You can find the answer here.

There are still so many questions answered in the site. If you want to read more, just go here: Answers to Tough Questions.