I have to tell you one weird thing about IF (infertility). It's like ever since I joined the club, I have an added layer to the lens of view towards the world. As if I owned an IF glasses. Why did I say I "joined" the club? Because some people have wondered (esp. in the beginning) why I used the term "infertile" for myself. One practical reason for that is that it helps me connect with other people who're in the same boat and they've been helping me SO MUCH in making me feel SANE.
Anyway...ever since I have this kind of glasses, I've been subconsciously trying to seek parallel stories that would relate to the infertility part in myself. Another weird thing about IF is that I can't help but feel that every time I bring up this subject, some people would roll their eyes and say, "Poor dear. Here she goes again." But I can't help it. I own the IF glasses, after all. And I don't want to help it 'coz I've learnt so many things because I have these glasses anyway he he...
The other day I watched "At First Sight" and I was really into it, because I could see myself substituting the word "blind" with "infertile". OK, from this point onward, I'm gonna start telling you about the movie that may contain spoilers, so SPOILER ALERT. STOP READING if you haven't watched the movie and yet you want to go watch it later.
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Here's the link to the movie anyway: At First Sight.
What I didn't know about it before watching was that it was loosely based on a real person, but I love the fact that the movie did depict crucial point in the blind person's life well. Here's the link to the article concerning what the real person experienced: Almost A Sight for Sore Eyes.
OK, so now let me start talking about the movie. The movie tells the story about Virgil (Val Kilmer), a blind masseur who works in a resort/hotel and Amy (Mira Sorvino), who is having a holiday in the resort and then they end up falling in love with each other.
Once they start thinking of a future together, though, Amy finds some articles about the latest treatment for the blind (by way of surgery) to help them regain sight. Amy tries to encourage Virgil to try out the surgery and at first Virgil is really upset and he just feels that she's not accepting him just as he is (because he's lived his life until then by accepting his condition). And he's sick and tired of being prodded and examined by different doctors during his childhood to help him "get better" - with no result.
Now I can JUST visualise a similar situation for the infertile. How many times have people tried to induce the infertile to be hopeful about the future? About "the latest treatment/procedure/herbal/doctor"? How many times have the infertile hear "It'll happen when it happens" or "You still have time" or "Miracle pregnancies do happen, you know. I know a couple who had a miracle pregnancy just after they (adopted, gave up, stopped trying anymore, tried Chinese herbals, etc.)"
But you see, I'm like Virgil. In the past I did want to have a child/children SO badly, but now I'm used to the thought that me and R2 = a complete family, just like Virgil who's used to managing life in a blind state. I know both conditions are different, but the point I'm trying to make is OUR (mine and R2's) state of mind. We've moved on from that road. Sometimes I regretted telling people that we did want children so badly at one point in time 'coz then it's hard for THEM to stop visualising us with kids.
A few months ago my MIL said in passing about this neighbour couple who did get a miracle pregnancy. And a few weeks ago my own Mom said in passing about another couple who did get the same miracle pregnancy. I think because in life, there are more pregnancies happening than non-pregnancies, it is EASIER for people to believe that "it'll happen". And I've heard some strangers say to me, "It'll happen when it happens."
What they don't understand is that after accepting life without children, we feel that our life isn't lacking anymore in that department. So whenever they infuse us with stories about miracle pregnancies, nowadays instead of feeling encouraged, I personally feel like they're telling us that our marriage is lacking something. I guess that's a dichotomy in the life of an infertile like myself (who once felt that way herself - that there was a hole in our lives due to the lack of children), but I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. And don't get me wrong. I KNOW they all mean well, esp. for those who knew that we did want kids so much at one point - just like Amy who only tries her best to help Virgil have a chance to see the world.
But like Virgil who's been prodded and examined during his childhood by various doctors, we don't want to go through all the disappointment that we went through month after month after month when we were trying to have a baby, because it took a hell of a journey to get to the point where we are now: to have peace with what we don't have and to believe that me + R2 = a complete family.
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For those who have kids, try to erase your kids from your lives and try to think of you and your hubby as a complete family. Can you view yourselves as a complete family without your kids?
I know it's a crazy thing to ask for and I can hear some people protesting already by saying, "But you've never had kids. You wouldn't know how it feels like." Yes, that's true, but you've experienced all the joys and lovely memories with your kids, whereas I experienced (at least when we were trying) the deaths of the dream of having a kid, of being able to hold him/her in my arms and I had to bury that dream over and over and over again.
But anyway, the point of the exercise is to try to make you understand that we're IF survivors here and that the road to accepting that we're a complete family is not an easy one. And that you should CELEBRATE this with us instead!!! :-D :-D :-D
P.S. I can only speak from my own experience, but I know some people who've told me directly about a similar case - of how they just want people to stop infusing hope because they've surrendered to life without kids. And that's the awareness I'd like to raise here in this post.
Last year I was skeptical with the whole idea of peace on earth. This year I'm not thinking about global peace, but more about inner peace and touching the lives of those near us. If I try to think of the possibility of global peace, I feel daunted and discouraged, but if I focus on inner peace and trying to uphold peace at work, in my household, in my daily life, I feel that it's something achievable.
Lately I've been reading Jean Vanier's books and they've struck many chords within me. Thus it's no surprise that my peace globe is inspired by one of his quotes. :-D
Vanier talked and wrote a lot about pain, brokenness, suffering and recognizing them within ourselves. Here let me quote something else that he wrote:
As we approach people in pain, they reveal to us our pain and brokenness. We are not an elite. We need help. We need the help of Jesus and of sister and brothers in community; we need to talk to wise, listening, and compassionate hearts who can help us to assume all that is broken within us and to find wholeness. We become free when we accept ourselves as we are, cry out for help, and use wisely all that we are to build peace. (A Rebel for Peace, page 134-5)
So let's join hands together for peace...one ripple at a time...one step at a time...in this vast ocean of life...:-D
This year I haven't had time to come up with any ideas for Blog Blast for Peace. For one thing, this year I'm skeptical about peace on earth after having read so much "hate-filled junk" in the cyberspace. There are some people who just love unloading themselves in other people's space and create friction. Last year I was so full of hope when I joined in Blog Blast for Peace. I don't know if that means I'm getting more cynical or pessimistic or what, but I sure don't want to lose my hope in mankind.
One site that makes me feel good about mankind is: Gives Me Hope.
I've also liked the page in Facebook, so I get notification every time there are new submissions. The site has become my feel-good site. Whenever I feel any doubt about mankind and the effort to create peace, this site never fails to make me feel hopeful. Whenever I feel down, this site makes me feel warm and gooey inside. So even though I'm not participating in Blog Blast for Peace this year, I want to share this beautiful site with you all. It also has some beautiful sister sites like "Love Gives Me Hope" and "Kids Give Me Hope" on the top part of the site.
One example of one entry that I read in Facebook today was this:
TODAY ON FACEBOOK I FOUND a group created by a guy who found someone's camera while traveling. He really wants to return the camera, which is full of memories, but has no idea who it belongs to. 230,000 people have joined the group to pass along the message. Kindness GMH.
UPDATE: The good will of 250,000 people created a stir that rippled into an office in London, where a group of French people were recognized, one being the owner.
1. Finding answers for some of my biggest questions and finding peace within.
2. Talking to my friend for about 6 hours HUE HE HE HE HE HE HE...I'm really going to miss our babbling sessions once she goes back home sometime this year. :-(((
3. One colleague gives me a compliment today. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! :-D
4. Hubby washed all the dishes after I cooked pizza for us without being asked to do it.
5. When hubby visited his cousin's place last Friday without me in tow, his cousin's daughter said that she wanted to play with me again. That's SO SWEET! ;-D
6. Knowing that someone out there is experiencing the same thing makes me feel good since we can share our thoughts and understand each other COMPLETELY. So THANKS for the chat!!!
7. Dancing like crazy in front of R2 (including spanking my own butt a few times HA HA HA...), making R2 shake his head in disbelief HUA HA HA HA HA HA...I LIVE for these moments! ;-D
8. Tucking hubby up on the sofa after giving him some kisses and squeezes he he he he...
9. Waiting for a package. I CAN'T WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO...SO SO SO SO SO EXCITING! ;-D
This is something I jotted down months ago and I'd love to share it with you.
Peace is being without trying to change, improve, or fix anything. Peace isn't devoid of troubles or sorrows. Peace embraces everything into oneself and letting oneself be comforted by the Higher Power. Peace means total surrender, knowing that someone will hold your hand when you fall. Knowing that you are not alone in this world. Knowing that someone understands your sorrow, struggles, and suffering. Knowing that no matter what, the sun will still shine tomorrow and that everything we are experiencing right now is merely a phase that will pass by in due time. Knowing that there is a time and place for everything: spring, summer, autumn, fall, strife, reconciliation, birth, death, sorrow, joy, etc.
Peace comes from letting go of the steering wheel and letting God work. Letting go of your need to control everything and believing that everything works out as it's supposed to be. Peace means accepting the fact that you don't always get what you want and that won't be the death of you. Peace comes from the fact that we can let go the things that we have to let go. Sometimes we hold on too dearly to everything we have that we lose sight of the bigger picture. We have to remember that everything in life is only lent to us temporarily and that God can take them away from us in just one swift moment.
Peace also comes from forgiving others and yourself and accepting the brokenness in us and everybody else. Peace also comes when you know that you're where you're supposed to be and that your life has a meaning.
I love peace in any possible form, but the best peace of all is the kind of peace from God that surpasses all understanding.
1. Fanning my topless hubby with a magazine while he was trying to take a nap on the couch (today's been especially HOT, around 27'C) and then hearing him say, "Now I know why in the harem there're some girls fanning the maharaja. It feels SO good." LOL!!!2. Going to the cemetery and felt peace. It made me think of the lives of those people. Who were they? What had they done in their lifetimes?3. Flowers in front of most of the tombstones. The cemetery seems to have been well taken care of. 4. Seeing a woman sitting down in front of a tombstone. Maybe she was praying. It's just nice to see that someone remembered their loved one who's gone away for good.5. Hearing people's laughter from afar while I was standing underneath the hot sun. 6. Buying REAL steaks for the first time since I moved here. YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I'm drooling already! ;-D Oh, and I bought some chips too. *tee hee* Yeah, I'm bad!!! ;-D7. Gathering up enough courage to go inside the old wooden church here. I'll post the pic tomorrow. I'm telling you that it ain't easy to go outside of your own "safety" box and do something daring he he he...
Ahhhhh...what a day! Here are my three beautiful things today:
1. As usual we visited my in-laws and she prepared food for us: fish, potatoes, and pancakes. Her pancakes are THE BEST ever 'coz she uses thick milk derived from cows that have just had their youngsters. Plus she makes her own strawberry jam. YUM YUM!!! Plus she gave us some of those when we got back home. YEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
2. When we were driving to my in-laws this morning, a reindeer and its young were crossing the street. The reindeer didn't even look confused. My husband had to drive so slowly. The young reindeer looked a bit confused but it was SO cute, following its mother so closely behind!!!
3. Peace that came over me when I enjoyed nature here. The birds flying joyfully way overhead, the clouds and the endless sky, the green grass and the blooming flowers. I just LOVE this place!!!
