Capitalia

I was in a huge mansion last night. The rooms were big and the dining table was huge. I was simply awed at being able to be in such a place. I don't know if I was myself or if I was somebody else at this point in my dream. The host organized a party of some sort and he had arranged a very beautiful white dress for me. It was so gorgeous that I felt like I was in a dream to even be wearing such a thing LOL! 

Then the scene changed and I was out of Capitalia (whatever that means). There I met a cousin of mine and my aunt (mom's eldest sister). It was actually very nice to see that aunt in my dream, because I didn't get to meet her the last time I visited Indo. Anyway, so I knew somehow that my cousin and my aunt lived in that place that I was sent to, but I was desperate to go back to Capitalia. The problem was that I had no money and didn't know the area. I had no map with me, but I knew it was a long way from Capitalia. I did try to visit my aunt again to get some help, but when I noticed her leg problem (she was limping and was in some sort of pain), I decided to slip away from her place and decided to try to walk back to Capitalia.

I remember having to walk across this type of pond, but when I tried to hop to the other side, something leapt out of the water and bite me, as if they were trying to stop me from going. I think first it was a fish and then on my next try, it was a frog. Ouchhhhh!!! It hurt! Yet I had to go back to Capitalia no matter what it cost. And then I woke up LOL!


What a weird dream! In another patch of dream that I woke up to, there was my Junior High School friend who wasn't confident about singing who finally found his voice (this is not a true story, it was just in the dream he became that kind of person). He was stunned at how beautiful his singing voice was when he finally had the guts to sing and it was such a nice experience to be able to witness a moment like that in someone's life, even though it's only a dream he he...but no more biting fish or frogs, please! ;-D

Writing Challenge: What I Want To Say To My 14-year-old Self

Warning to myself: If you ever travel to the future and manage to find this post, DO NOT read it. I don't want you to change anything in your life and reading this post will ruin so many surprises. The same goes for my blogs. DO NOT read them, either!

Ahem...okay, now that the most important thing is done, let's start...First of all, look at that hair! And yes, back then there was no digital camera (nor did you have your own camera), so you haven't learnt how to take a selfie with a smile LOL! I remember you hated the fact that you couldn't smile naturally in front of a studio photographer like your other friend who was so photogenic. It wasn't that you were jealous of her, but you admired her for being able to do that.

Secondly, holy smokes, don't you just look so innocent? ;-D Actually I'm just here to say that many things in your life that you haven't really planned have happened - mostly good though. And I'm pleased to say that you've learnt to be kinder to yourself in ways that you could never even begin to understand (because you were just so hard on yourself sometimes). Some of your dreams have come true and at least one will never come true, but you'll survive through it and you'll grow so much throughout that journey (which I suspect will last until your last breath).

And those kids that befriended you back then at school? They're still your friends. In the future you'll become much more open with people and you'll have a blast (unintentionally) fooling people with your "cover". At uni some friends would describe their first impressions of you as "the fridge" (looking so cool and a bit unapproachable) or "the rock" (for being so quiet) LOL! But they admitted that after getting to know you better, their first impressions were wrong.

And the job that you thought would be ideal for you? Turned out it was the worst ever. Seven weeks only and you walked out of the door already, feeling sure you'd never ever come back to that kind of place. You'll then have other jobs that never even crossed your mind. Ha! Life is full of surprises. :-)

You'll marry your second boyfriend and move halfway across the world and that would be the biggest adventure of your life, oh, you who always played it safe all her life! And only after you move halfway across the world at the age of 28 will you then start learning to laugh at your mistakes. The most frequent lesson you're going to learn is letting go: of people, expectations, dreams, plans, anger, etc. etc. etc.

Almost forgot...remember that dream you had where you stood in front of a huge window overlooking a winter scenery in a village? It felt so real and it was stuck in your mind like a movie scene. That actually came true. Well, the scene isn't exactly the same, but at least the winter scenery and the huge windows are pretty much similar. Isn't that cool? :-D

P.S. Enjoy having those cute guys to crush on from afar in Junior High School! :-D

3BT: Random Days

1. On nights when hubby goes to sleep earlier than me, I LOVE tucking him in bed and kissing him goodnight. :-D

2. Watching this interesting video clip:


3. My boss called me yesterday to tell me that if needed, I may have to work longer on a certain day. How thoughtful of her to call in advance first to warn me about it because that day we'd be visiting my MIL (my boss didn't know this), so I could tell MIL in advance that we may be late.

4. Hearing a funny thing that my nephew said about a certain circumstance. Apparently in the middle of a heated argument somewhere, a woman passed out and my nephew then asked his mom, "Mom, why did she pass out? Was she hit by a car?" LOL LOL LOL!!!!!

5. Listening to this podcast about Living Without Children After Infertility. At one point I even shed some tears. 

6. Had a weird, romantic dream. Even though it was weird, it felt nice to have a romantic dream once in a while. In the dream, two blind people fell in love and the last scene of my dream was when they were holding each other tightly (it seemed that they had been separated or something and that made the meeting all the more sweeter!). :-D


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7. Hubby started chanting "Informer" before we watched a movie and it made me laugh uncontrollably - which in turn made him laugh along with me. LOL LOL!!!

IF Glasses

I have to tell you one weird thing about IF (infertility). It's like ever since I joined the club, I have an added layer to the lens of view towards the world. As if I owned an IF glasses. Why did I say I "joined" the club? Because some people have wondered (esp. in the beginning) why I used the term "infertile" for myself. One practical reason for that is that it helps me connect with other people who're in the same boat and they've been helping me SO MUCH in making me feel SANE. 

Anyway...ever since I have this kind of glasses, I've been subconsciously trying to seek parallel stories that would relate to the infertility part in myself. Another weird thing about IF is that I can't help but feel that every time I bring up this subject, some people would roll their eyes and say, "Poor dear. Here she goes again." But I can't help it. I own the IF glasses, after all. And I don't want to help it 'coz I've learnt so many things because I have these glasses anyway he he...

The other day I watched "At First Sight" and I was really into it, because I could see myself substituting the word "blind" with "infertile". OK, from this point onward, I'm gonna start telling you about the movie that may contain spoilers, so SPOILER ALERT. STOP READING if you haven't watched the movie and yet you want to go watch it later. 




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Here's the link to the movie anyway: At First Sight. 

What I didn't know about it before watching was that it was loosely based on a real person, but I love the fact that the movie did depict crucial point in the blind person's life well. Here's the link to the article concerning what the real person experienced: Almost A Sight for Sore Eyes.

OK, so now let me start talking about the movie. The movie tells the story about Virgil (Val Kilmer), a blind masseur who works in a resort/hotel and Amy (Mira Sorvino), who is having a holiday in the resort and then they end up falling in love with each other. 

Once they start thinking of a future together, though, Amy finds some articles about the latest treatment for the blind (by way of surgery) to help them regain sight. Amy tries to encourage Virgil to try out the surgery and at first Virgil is really upset and he just feels that she's not accepting him just as he is (because he's lived his life until then by accepting his condition). And he's sick and tired of being prodded and examined by different doctors during his childhood to help him "get better" - with no result.

Now I can JUST visualise a similar situation for the infertile. How many times have people tried to induce the infertile to be hopeful about the future? About "the latest treatment/procedure/herbal/doctor"? How many times have the infertile hear "It'll happen when it happens" or "You still have time" or "Miracle pregnancies do happen, you know. I know a couple who had a miracle pregnancy just after they (adopted, gave up, stopped trying anymore, tried Chinese herbals, etc.)"

But you see, I'm like Virgil. In the past I did want to have a child/children SO badly, but now I'm used to the thought that me and R2 = a complete family, just like Virgil who's used to managing life in a blind state. I know both conditions are different, but the point I'm trying to make is OUR (mine and R2's) state of mind. We've moved on from that road. Sometimes I regretted telling people that we did want children so badly at one point in time 'coz then it's hard for THEM to stop visualising us with kids.

A few months ago my MIL said in passing about this neighbour couple who did get a miracle pregnancy. And a few weeks ago my own Mom said in passing about another couple who did get the same miracle pregnancy. I think because in life, there are more pregnancies happening than non-pregnancies, it is EASIER for people to believe that "it'll happen". And I've heard some strangers say to me, "It'll happen when it happens."


What they don't understand is that after accepting life without children, we feel that our life isn't lacking anymore in that department. So whenever they infuse us with stories about miracle pregnancies, nowadays instead of feeling encouraged, I personally feel like they're telling us that our marriage is lacking something. I guess that's a dichotomy in the life of an infertile like myself (who once felt that way herself - that there was a hole in our lives due to the lack of children), but I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. And don't get me wrong. I KNOW they all mean well, esp. for those who knew that we did want kids so much at one point - just like Amy who only tries her best to help Virgil have a chance to see the world.

But like Virgil who's been prodded and examined during his childhood by various doctors, we don't want to go through all the disappointment that we went through month after month after month when we were trying to have a baby, because it took a hell of a journey to get to the point where we are now: to have peace with what we don't have and to believe that me + R2 = a complete family. 




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For those who have kids, try to erase your kids from your lives and try to think of you and your hubby as a complete family. Can you view yourselves as a complete family without your kids?

I know it's a crazy thing to ask for and I can hear some people protesting already by saying, "But you've never had kids. You wouldn't know how it feels like." Yes, that's true, but you've experienced all the joys and lovely memories with your kids, whereas I experienced (at least when we were trying) the deaths of the dream of having a kid, of being able to hold him/her in my arms and I had to bury that dream over and over and over again. 


But anyway, the point of the exercise is to try to make you understand that we're IF survivors here and that the road to accepting that we're a complete family is not an easy one. And that you should CELEBRATE this with us instead!!! :-D :-D :-D






P.S. I can only speak from my own experience, but I know some people who've told me directly about a similar case - of how they just want people to stop infusing hope because they've surrendered to life without kids. And that's the awareness I'd like to raise here in this post.

Snowstorm!!!

Snowstorm happened today. It started at around 10 am and it hadn't stopped yet when I went to take a nap at around 5.30 pm. I hadn't been feeling too well lately (seems like flu wants to strike me, but it hasn't fully developed yet), so today I asked R2 to coin my back and then I went to sleep after taking a Panadol to get rid of my annoying headache (headache started to bother me half of my working day).

When I rode my bike home, it was almost impossible to see the road 'coz the flurry of snow kept on blocking my sight, but I am HAPPY that now everything's SO white again. It feels like December and I just want to sing Christmas songs HA HA HA HA HA HA...

Here let me give you a comparison of photos:

First pic was taken on Monday (the first snow day this year), which came a few weeks earlier than last year. It snowed lightly during the night, but during the day the temp. went up, so it melted fast.


Second pic: I took it today after I got back home from work at around 4 pm.


See the tracks? Yep...I had to ride my bike really slowly so that the tyres wouldn't slip. I was still wearing my summer sports shoes to work today (I wore double socks, though). I guess tomorrow I have to wear my winter shoes he he...


Have I ever told you a dream I had a LONG LONG time ago? I still remember it like it was yesterday. Whenever it snows outside and I'm looking out at the scenery from a big window, I always remember this dream.

I don't remember anymore when I had this dream, but it must've been before I saw snow in real life. I was standing in front of a HUGE HUGE window (bare window without any curtains or blinds), staring at a scenery outside: snow is falling lightly to the ground and there are people outside in a small village walking about in the evening...street lights are already on and I feel so serene...

I hoped that someday I could see snow like that...I mean when the snow is falling every so lightly, it feels all hushed up and serenity engulfs me...that kind of scenery...and that has happened to me already. My dream has COME TRUE!!!!!!!!!!! :-D :-D :-D

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In this post I'd also like to say my DEEPEST condolences for the loss of my friend's beloved dog (she had to be let go), Fluffy.


You're allright now, girl...no more pain!!! You'll be missed dearly, though!!!!!!!

Did You Read This?

Last night my Brit friend told me about a shooting at a local school in southern Finland. Here's the complete story:

Man Kills Eight at Finnish School

The world has gone mad. I never understood people who do such a thing. I think the boy who started the shooting was a bit crazy or something.

It reminds me that there's no such a thing as a safe place on earth. Something can happen in the most unlikely place. You can be there at the wrong time and place. A month or so after I moved to Finland, I heard about a robbery at a jewellery store in Bandung. A couple of people were shot to death. There were a couple who wanted to buy wedding rings from the store, and if I'm not mistaken it was the guy who got killed then and there. What are the odds?

Is there any "random death"? I don't think so. When God decides to take someone home, then that person WILL be there. When God decides that someone has to live still, no matter how bad the accident or experience that person has gone through, he/she will still survive. But what about those people who commit suicide? Hmmm...I think they may be exceptions to God's decisions 'coz there's NO WAY God would lead them to kill themselves.

Now I'm rambling. This topic reminds me of an unexpected accident happening years and years back. I was around 14-15 years old back then and one night after midnight (yeah, I was a bat, I LOVED watching TV until late at night), my cousin called me and from his tone of voice, I knew right away that something was wrong. He was usually so funny and jolly, but that night his voice sounded so grave and serious. He told me to wake my Dad up and when my Dad picked up the phone, he YELLED, "WHAAATTTTT?" and wailed so loudly and cried right away. I was SO shocked. It was one of those few times when I heard my own Dad cry in front of my eyes.

The next thing I knew, my cousin was going to pick my Dad up, so I wanted to go there. We went to the hospital and turned out that my other cousin had died due to an accident. My Dad went into the morgue but he wouldn't let me in. Some other relatives were there and I saw one guy who came out of the morgue right away and then threw up on the ground.

My cousin's eldest brother was also there with his girlfriend. She was hugging him as he was crying. He said that he was sorry that he hadn't met his youngest brother this morning. They didn't have a chance to say anything to each other as he had left earlier.

I could hear my aunt (Dad's younger sister) screaming and wailing and crying from inside the morgue. She couldn't believe what had happened. She had lost his husband due to a disease a couple of years back, and now she lost her youngest son. My cousin was almost 21 years old back then. He was one of the handsomest of all grandkids. He loved playing the guitar and he was pretty good at it. That night he went to his girlfriend's place and then he "raced home" on his motorcycle when he realized it was getting late. He didn't want to make his mother worried as she didn't want him to come home later than an expected time. Apparently as he was speeding home, there was a big bump on one of the streets near the hospital, so his motorcycle flipped a few times and he hit his head and died right away. Everybody said that everything was intact except a small cut on his ear and blood coming out of one ear.

I remember seeing him in his coffin. He looked as handsome as always, as though nothing bad had happened to him. I could hear my aunt crying non-stop. She refused to eat. She cried days on end. I felt SO bad for her. She said that her son had been so good to her. She said that not long before the accident, they had celebrated her birthday. He bought her a cake or something. She said that in a few days it would be his birthday, but he couldn't celebrate it anymore. Gladly now it's all in the past and that my aunt's okay. :-))))

I remember dreaming about that cousin of mine months or years afterward. He was visiting my parents' house and he looked exactly like the last time I had met him. :-))))

Dream Coming True?

Inspired by Epi's latest post entitled Strange Dream, I suddenly remembered something that happened when I was in High School.

I was SO curious about the result of my English exam back then. I was at the time sitting next to another girl who's now one of my best friends. After wondering about my result for days, I had a dream one night. In my dream, I saw two sheets of exam papers. One was mine and the other was my friend's. I could see the scores my English teacher gave us both. I got a 9 and she got an 8. I remembered the shapes of the numbers and where she wrote them down.

I don't remember if it was the next day or several days afterwards when my English teacher finally handed out our exam papers. But I remember feeling SHOCKED when I saw a 9 on my paper and an 8 on my friend's paper. And the location and the shapes of the numbers were EXACTLY the same as I saw in my dream.

Until now, I have no explanation about this inexplicable dream.

3BT: Weekend Wrap

Gee, I don't even know where to start. It's been a MAGICAL BLESSED weekend for me, so let me start from Friday then.

1. Eating hamburger and sausage in the cabin. We roasted the burger and sausage in the cabin's fireplace and ate them with some hot mustarrrdddddd. YUMMY!!!

2. Dipping my legs in the COLD lake in between sauna (after having the above dinner). Side note: I didn't dare dip my whole body like my hubby did 'coz it was just too cold for me, but BOY it felt SO good coming back inside the sauna afterwards HE HE HE...

3. The lethargy I felt after taking a long SUPER HOT sauna.

4. My mother-in-law voicing her concern over the earthquake in Indonesia. She's SO sweet!!! (Don't worry, my family's allright!)

5. Picking HUGE RED strawberries felt SO GOOD. ^________________________^

6. A miracle happening again. Saturday eve I told my hubby that I wanted some sausage when we got back home (yes, I was craving for sausage AGAIN). Not long after that, my mother-in-law offered to roast some sausages for us. YIIIPPPIIIIEEE!!! I was SO shocked about our "telepathy" that I asked my huby, "Is your Mom a psychic or something?" LOL!!!

7. Talking to one of my best friends via YM (she lives in Germany). THANK YOU, Yahoo Messenger!!!

8. Receiving VERY kind words from Jackie and Victorya today. You both MADE MY DAY today!!!

THANK YOU,
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU!

(Btw, to those of you unfamiliar with them, check out their WONDERFUL blogs!)

9. Having a table lamp. YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!

10. Jalapeno chili. I'm going to make pizza sometime this week and I'll put jalapeno chili on my side (we like different toppings). I'm drooling already! LOL!

11. Dreaming of my closest friends. Boy, I miss them! ;-D