The other day I was talking to my closest friends via email about different topics and one topic brought up this memory somewhere in the dark corner of my brain. Being a melancholic/phlegmatic, I never craved for the spotlight. I don't like being in a spotlight. I prefer working in the background, never to be seen or heard (that doesn't mean I don't need recognition or acknowledgment for my achievements, though). That's also one reason why I doubted myself when I first started working at the store 'coz I wondered if I'd enjoy being face-to-face with customers.
When I was very young, I was so sensitive inwards and if I made the smallest mistakes ever, I would scold myself over and over and over. If the mistake was big (at least in my eyes), it could take even days before I finally let go (yep, I'm my own worst critic). Along the road, as my self-confidence grew, I learnt to be more lenient towards myself and lower my expectations, but I only started learning to laugh at my own mistakes AFTER I moved to Finland (yep, it took me 28 years!). Having R2 as a hubby and MIL helped A LOT in learning to be more lenient towards myself. They never criticize me no matter how silly my mistakes are.
Anyhow, back to the dark corner in my brain. I think when I was very young, I once performed in front of a group of people (I think it had to do with dancing) and they laughed at me. I don't remember the incident, but ever since then I've been so worried about performing in front of people and I've always admired people who can perform in front of people without looking so anxious. And ever since then I've always had this idea that I'm such a bad dancer and that my body can't correspond to music and rhythm very well.
Back in elementary school, I hated it when we had to sing in front of the classroom. If I had to sing with some other students, it felt MUCH better, but if I had to sing alone? Ugh ugh...and UGH. I remember clearly the first time at the uni (during writing lesson) when my lecturer gave us a topic to write and then she gave us a few minutes to think about what to write and all of a sudden she asked me to come forward and tell the class what I was going to write (without reading what I had jotted down on paper). I remember that I was very calm at that time, which was such a HUGE surprise to me. I think of that moment as a point of progress in my life.
One of my closest friends, who's a natural when it comes to performing in front of people (she's even led a meeting in front of hundreds of people), was amazed when she realizes that other people may have problems in this area, 'coz she's never had the same problem her entire life.
It's interesting to me to be able to talk about this stuff with my friends 'coz then we get to know each other better - and hopefully then we get to understand other people better that way.
Michelle tagged me to do this meme. It was originally written by PV of "Finding Me".
Here are some of my confessions:
1. I get SO pissed off whenever someone (usually from Indonesia), says to me, "Hi, how are you. Oh, now you live in Finland? So far away from Indonesia. Are you pregnant already? Any kids?" I know those are just chit-chat questions, but I don't think it's good to ask about pregnancy or kids. After all, NOT everybody can get pregnant easily and NOT everybody plans on having kids right away. Besides, some people can't have kids. People have different situations.
I also get pissed off if someone tries to tell someone else, "It's better to have kids whose age difference isn't too big." So? Just because you believe something is good for your family doesn't mean it will be good for another family. It's all up to each family to decide whether or not to have kids, to have just one kid, or whatever...even though in the end it's all up to God.
2. I once lied to my teacher and she knew about it. But in the end I found out I wasn't REALLY lying after all. Confused? Here's the story. For my accounting classes in High School, I had to bring several notebooks plus some photocopies. One day I thought I had forgotten to bring one of the photocopies. I PANICKED, so I went to another classroom that had different schedule to borrow one from one of my friends there. Turned out I forgot that during that period of time, the time schedule per class was changed. So I didn't return it back to her on time, so she had to ask permission from the accounting teacher to go to my classroom to get back her photocopy. ARRRGGGHHHH indeed, right?
Then after that I got cold sweat all over me...so the teacher knew!!! After break came our accounting session and right from the start she asked anyone to admit if they had forgotten to bring their photocopy. I was such a coward that I didn't raise my hand even though she had known that I had forgotten it. I sensed that she had lost her trust in me right there and then. You know what was really crazy? When I got back home, I took out everything from my bag and the photocopy was LYING at the bottom of my bag, hidden by all the other books.
But what can I say to my teacher? I couldn't have told her about that fact as it was irrelevant. In her eyes, I had become a liar. *sob sob* I've never really said anything to her, but in this post I'd love to say SORRY to her for being such a coward. What I did was wrong, even though in the end I found out that I had brought the photocopy.
3. Same as Blur Ting, I don't thrive on criticism. I just shrink back when I hear criticism and I can really begin to curse myself over and over and over again because of that. I think I've learnt to stop cursing myself too long over the past few years...but I still think I can't handle criticism as well as some people do.
4. It's easier for me to remember faces than names. I forget many names of my ex university friends, but I still remember their faces.
5. I'm such a sleepyhead that I never really had problems going to sleep, except the few times when I drink too much coffee or when I have too many things in my mind (or during the time I tried working at a factory).
6. And again just like Blur Ting, I dislike big parties, esp. when I don't know many people there. That's why it's fine for me to go to a relative's wedding party even though it's a big party. At least then I can talk to some relatives of mine. But basically speaking, I dislike big parties when it's MY party.
7. I love talking one-on-one rather than being in a big group. If I am with a big group, esp. if most of them are Sanguine/Cholerics, then most of the time I get less chance to talk. When you talk one-on-one with someone, the conversation tends to be deeper and both parties can share more things than if you talk in a big group of people. Plus you get distracted easily when you're in a big group of people. A and B talk about something, C and D talk about something else, and the rest may talk about another topic. ARRRGGHHHH!!!!!! I thrive on QUALITY TIME, thank you very much he he he he...
8. I once conducted an experiment. To read the complete story, go here.
OK, I think that's enough for now. I'm going to blog-hop now. Didn't have time to do it yesterday. I've been busy, busy, busy. I'll tell you later, OK?
