3BT: Random Days

1. Making a decision after thinking about it for a few days and knowing deep in my heart that it's the right call.

2. R2 is unwell now, which is "good" in a way 'coz then when my friends come here for a visit, he is well enough to drive to Rovaniemi to pick them up. Now I only need to hope that I won't catch the viruses 'coz it's been spreading around the village (one coworker is sick and another one started coughing yesterday).

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3. FIL has stopped asking MIL, "When's your holiday ending? When are you taking me back home?" and thus MIL can now stop feeling guilty. In fact, when she took her back home for a few hours, he said that he wanted to go back home (to the nursing house).

4. I bought a tiger roll that I had never tried before the other day and it smells and tastes SO good!!!

5. Excitement 'coz my friends are coming for a visit soon (in 10 days). Can't wait to meet them!!! Haven't seen them in about 4 years. ;-D

6. Rubbing R2's cold hands to make them warm and seeing gratitude in his sweet smile. He's such a babe!!! :-D

7. Some of my fave TV series are coming back soon (Good Wife, Criminal Minds). YIIIIHHHHAAAAA!!!!

8. Buying some gifts for my loved ones and also souvenirs for my friends (grateful that I have the money to buy them). :-D

9. The weather's stopped being too hot (the other week it was 31'C three days in a row - which was unusual 'coz usually it only lasted for a day - and we don't have any fan or aircon, so it was really stuffy inside and it was hard to sleep well at nights).

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10. Finding a funny manga about a teacher and being able to laugh out loud.

11. Recreating the kind of food that my Mom used to make us. Brings me straight back to the kitchen when she prepared the food for us. :-D

Childhood Trauma

The other day I was talking to my closest friends via email about different topics and one topic brought up this memory somewhere in the dark corner of my brain. Being a melancholic/phlegmatic, I never craved for the spotlight. I don't like being in a spotlight. I prefer working in the background, never to be seen or heard (that doesn't mean I don't need recognition or acknowledgment for my achievements, though). That's also one reason why I doubted myself when I first started working at the store 'coz I wondered if I'd enjoy being face-to-face with customers.

When I was very young, I was so sensitive inwards and if I made the smallest mistakes ever, I would scold myself over and over and over. If the mistake was big (at least in my eyes), it could take even days before I finally let go (yep, I'm my own worst critic). Along the road, as my self-confidence grew, I learnt to be more lenient towards myself and lower my expectations, but I only started learning to laugh at my own mistakes AFTER I moved to Finland (yep, it took me 28 years!). Having R2 as a hubby and MIL helped A LOT in learning to be more lenient towards myself. They never criticize me no matter how silly my mistakes are.

Anyhow, back to the dark corner in my brain. I think when I was very young, I once performed in front of a group of people (I think it had to do with dancing) and they laughed at me. I don't remember the incident, but ever since then I've been so worried about performing in front of people and I've always admired people who can perform in front of people without looking so anxious. And ever since then I've always had this idea that I'm such a bad dancer and that my body can't correspond to music and rhythm very well.

Back in elementary school, I hated it when we had to sing in front of the classroom. If I had to sing with some other students, it felt MUCH better, but if I had to sing alone? Ugh ugh...and UGH. I remember clearly the first time at the uni (during writing lesson) when my lecturer gave us a topic to write and then she gave us a few minutes to think about what to write and all of a sudden she asked me to come forward and tell the class what I was going to write (without reading what I had jotted down on paper). I remember that I was very calm at that time, which was such a HUGE surprise to me. I think of that moment as a point of progress in my life.

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One of my closest friends, who's a natural when it comes to performing in front of people (she's even led a meeting in front of hundreds of people), was amazed when she realizes that other people may have problems in this area, 'coz she's never had the same problem her entire life.

It's interesting to me to be able to talk about this stuff with my friends 'coz then we get to know each other better - and hopefully then we get to understand other people better that way.

3BT: Random Days

1. Getting a Top Banana award from Cliff. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH!!!!!

"3BT" Top Banana. This goes to Amelia. 3BT is a list of gratitudes that Amelia periodically posts.

2. Writing this Words of Affirmation in my latest blog (a blog where I can babble non-stop about my being reproductively challenged - I decided to create a new blog so that I can channel all my babblings about infertility in that blog).

3. Having made a decision together not to do any more tests or pursue any kinds of  medical treatments or ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) has made me feel GLAD and our sex life has turned into what it was supposed to be: fun and playful!!! YIIIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

4. Having closest friends who are willing to listen and support me in my infertility journey even though sometimes I may take their words the wrong way or take their words too seriously. THANK YOU, girls!

5. Reading plenty of articles on dealing with infertility has helped me regain my perspective.

6. Sleeping long he he he...What can I say? I'm a sleepyhead and a good sleep is good not only for the body, but also for the soul. ;-D

7. Making hubby giggle and laugh until he had tears in his eyes (enough tears that I could wipe!) even when I didn't plan to do it. What a BLESSING to be able to make someone laugh like that he he he...(Unfortunately I can't tell you what I did 'coz it would be too gross to tell here hi hi hi...Yeah, yeah, I LOVE making people curious LOL!!!)

8. Knowing that despite the storms of life, I'll be all right (even though I don't know how).

9. Crying out all the pent-up feelings without feeling like I have to hold my tears. It feels SO GOOD to be able to express myself like this and just "be done with it".

10. Playing Wii Fit Plus with hubby and laughing together and sometimes mocking each other playfully when one of us passes the other one's rank he he he...

3BT: Random Days

1. Yesterday my coworker hugged me as her goodbye. It was our last working day together. She's taking a few days off and she'll start working again next month, whereas I'll stop working this Friday. I didn't expect her to do that, considering we had only been working together for about three weeks. I felt SO touched by her gesture. She's the friendliest at work!!!

2. On the way to work, there was this spot of ground frequented with CUTE chubby birds who were busy feeding themselves. There are usually 20-25 of them. I can't stop staring at them!!! HE HE HE HE HE...

3. Feeding hubby some chocolate pudding while he was gaming. Then he said, "Practising for the future, eh?" HA HA HA HA HA HA...I ENJOY pampering him every once in a while! And he always thanks me, too HE HE HE HE HE...

4. EXCITEMENT about this Saturday. I've told my MIL not to cook anything 'coz I'll bring the food. I figured that once in a while SHE needs to be pampered, too!!! ;-D Let's see what I can come up with. I think I'm going to opt for some Asian food he he he he...but nothing too "burning hot", though. ;-D

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5. Bumping my forehead on hubby's when I tried to turn around the other night. He was curled up so close to me hi hi hi hi...I LOVE it whenever I go to the toilet during the night and when I come back, I realize that his body is curled up SO close to me mmmmmm...

6. Just being held closely by hubby or just sitting on his lap...I wanna cherish the feeling forever...I LOVE feeling his body warmthhhhhh...

7. Sharing innermost thoughts with my closest friends. We haven't done that in a while. One friend initiated it and it brought back so many memories.

8. Just because I'm alive, my parents are fine, I've got everything I need...I've got another day to be the best that I can be. :-)))

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Reversed Role

Yesterday I pushed someone away. It certainly didn't make me feel good, but it also made me feel relieved. Remember the story when my closest friends felt overwhelmed by my long emails that I wrote so often when I first moved to Finland? I leaned on them for support too much, and in the end they got burnt out. One of them told me point blank that she couldn't spare more time for me due to her life schedule. Only then I fully realized that I had been having too high expectation of them.

Well, that was what I felt about that friend whom I pushed away (let's call her Uni). She isn't one of my closest friends, but she's also a close friend. Since I have less time for myself and to do anything else after my full-time course started, I have less tolerance for anything that ruins my mood.

I know that Uni has had problems lately, but when I come back from the course, I'm tired already and it just ruins my mood to read her complaints again and again and again. It's fine to hear a complaint once, but if you're tired and you just want to relax and you read it again and again and again in different ways...after a while you get burnt out. In the end I didn't even want to read her messages anymore, let alone replied them. However, I didn't resort to not reading and not replying. I resorted to explaining to her about my situation.

I knew it would hurt like hell, just like what happened to me when one of my closest friends told me point blank about the facts of life. I HOPE she'll understand me, though right now she must be SO disappointed at me. She replied briefly to my explanation, saying, "I know you're busy right now and that you have your own life. I'm sorry to have shared my complaints with you. I'm not going to bother you anymore."

Sigh...it's not that I don't want to hear her life story, but if I keep on hearing bad news, bad news, bad news, then in the end I don't know anymore what I have to say to support her. I know the situation she's facing now sucks BIG TIME, but then again when you've done EVERYTHING you can and still you can't change it, all you can do is either find another way out or just wait until the door is open. She keeps on wanting to change everything and make it faster...she keeps on asking me to analyze, too. It's draining me out whenever I read about her messages and all I see is problem, problem, problem...

Oh well...I asked Arttu if he thought I was cruel by doing this to her and he said no. Well, one thing for sure is that now I understand MUCH better what my close friend felt when she pushed me away. And I'm glad to say that now I no longer bombard them with emails he he he he...

8 Things I'm Grateful For Meme

Crystal tagged me to do this one. THANKS, Buddy!!!

Here are 8 Things I'm grateful for:

1. Being loved. God loves me the way I am with all my brokenness. My hubby and family and closest friends love me the way I am and they always support me. And my blogging friends have also made me feel loved and supported he he he he he...

2. My family, hubby, hubby's family, closest friends, blogging friends. I'm SO rich beyond belief!!! :-D I can share many things with them and I can learn so much from them, as well.

3. Health. Self-explanatory.

4. Random acts of kindness. I've found so many different types of random acts of kindness around me that really makes me feel that this world isn't so broken after all.

5. Sense of humour. Thank GOD for sense of humour! I feel that I can stay forever young he he he he he...

6. Having the opportunity to get some income online by blogging. This is something that never crossed my mind before, so it's a wonderful surprise for me. Plus I wanna thank my fellow blogger friends who're understanding about my need to get some income online - thank you for bearing with me!!!

7. Having the chance to write my heart out to my parents and brother (and hubby, too, during our long-distance relationship) so that if I die today, I won't regret anything.

8. Being able to live my biggest dream, which is living abroad. Plus I don't have to do it alone. I'm accompanied by my sweetest, wackiest, most understanding soulmate. :-))))

I'm tagging: Juliana, Blur Ting.

Gorgeous 29th Birthday

First of all, I wanna thank EVERYBODY's well-wishes for my birthday. ;-D

A special THANK YOU to:

Michelle
Crystal
Trinity
Michelle Dawn
Lady Java
Juliana
LB
Mr. Fong

Free Comments & Graphics

This sundae is from Crystal for me he he he he he...THANKS, Girl! It's SO YUMMY he he he he he he...



And this one is created by Trinity for me. THANKS A LOTTTTTTTTT, Fellow Bandungese!!!!




Today is a day of reflection for me. I'm SO grateful for having been SO BLESSED. I've reached some of my dreams, I have a tender-loving-fun-crazy husband and a WONDERFUL new family (unbelievable parents-in-law), and SO MANY new friends here in the blogosphere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life couldn't be better than this. ;-D

And since you're all wondering about the mysterious package, I only opened it this morning he he he he...My first guess was that it was a book, but turned out I was wrong he he he...It's Harry Potter's DVD (the new Harry Potter) HE HE HE...So I guess tonight we'll be watching it together HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO...;-D

This morning when I woke up, I received two SMSes. One of them was from one of my closest friends (the heavily pregnant one, she's due in mid December) and the other one was from my mother-in-law!!!!!!!!! ;-D She and my father-in-law wished me a happy birthday and a happy life in this cold country he he he he...And she said that she was going to bake or buy me a birthday cake on Saturday. YUMMY!!! I was planning on baking something today or tomorrow, but turned out I didn't have to do that HUE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...

By the way, I joked to my hubby and said that for his next birthday, I'd wrap his gift weeks beforehand and put it in the living room HA HA HA HA HA...He said it would be cruel HI HI HI HI...LOL!!! When I first visited him in 2004, I was there for his birthday and I had wrapped his gift already naturally...but he couldn't stand it. He opened it a few days before his birthday HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Ahem!!! ;-D

Okie dokie...I've just exercised and now it's time to shower he he he...Talk to you guys later!!!!

Additional info: Hubby just came home for lunch break and he said that at first he was thinking of buying me a birthday cake, but since his Mom was going to make it, then he offered to buy me kebab or pizza. I chose pizza he he he...so I'll have pizza tonight. YUM YUM...^_______________________________^