When I was at the uni, I once had an experiment. I've always been a rebel, but there was a period of time when I just sort of "challenged" everything I believed in. One of those things was religion or God. I didn't remember exactly why I did it. All I remember was that out of the blue I decided to think that God didn't exist and lived as though God hadn't existed. I guess I must've been thinking about the "what if" question: What if there were no God?
I tried living and thinking like that for a few months. At first it felt SO liberating. I could forget about everything that priests had told me and all the Christian theories I'd learnt. Then after some time, it made me feel confused. It's hard to explain what I felt at that time. The best explanation I can give is this:
Have you ever denied yourself, your own existence? Well, my experiment made me feel MUCH worse than that. MUCH MUCH more.
I couldn't stand living at the end of the few months. I couldn't stand being myself. I felt as though I was REALLY lost and arid.
Then something reminded me of what I had personally experienced years back. When I was in Junior High, I was somewhat active at church. I joined one of the youth ministries at church and then I also joined the weekly prayer meeting. I TRULY loved that prayer meeting. We'd all sit down on the carpet and then we'd close our eyes and we'd just sing songs and pray without doing anything else for 1,5 hours. We'd cry when we felt God's touch. I know this might sound odd to someone who's never experienced it.
Well, there were times when I had a troubled mind, I could cry my eyes out during that kind of prayer meeting until my tears ran dry (literally!) and every time the meeting ended, I always felt my burdens lifted. I could feel God's overwhelming peace surrounding me. My problems were still there, but at least I could see them in a different light and I could face them with a clear head.
So, the conclusion of the experiment was that I know God exists from my own personal experiences. :-)))
I could never pull off not believing in God. I tried once, but I knew I was faking it.
ReplyDeleteLovely post, Amel. You say this with a beautiful sincerity. I get lost in my own head and always read what I've written afterwards and think "oh, that sounds stupid!" or "I should have added.."
But what you wrote here.. I wouldn't change anything.
:-)
THX for your comment and compliment, Michelle! I really DO appreciate it. :-)))
ReplyDeleteYeah, sometimes I also think "Oh, I should have added..." he he he...about writing something that sounds stupid, I guess I just cross my fingers and hope that other people would understand he he he...
Thank you so much for sharing this very moving story. It sounds as though the prayer meetings you attended were an incredible experience, in the sense that you felt God's strength and peace first-hand. Wow. No wonder you cried until your tears ran dry...
ReplyDelete@Katriina: MY pleasure to share. THANKS for reading it and leaving a comment. :-)))
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