Do You Get Tired? Part Two

I've had a jumble of messy thoughts after writing my post yesterday. I feel that I was too generic in writing that post yesterday and let me try to untangle some of my thoughts, which would be too long to write in the comment section (though I did try to write some of them already).

OK, first of all I think blogging is a different platform altogether. I write for myself and my audience in my blogs (depending on the topic, sometimes it's more for the audience, sometimes it's more for me, sometimes it's 50-50) and because I don't allow anonymous commenters anymore, I find that those who do comment mostly do want to say something to me about my post or they want to build a connection or they feel that they can relate to my post or something like that.

Facebook is a different platform altogether. What I find to be tiring about Facebook is also because of my fault, I suppose. I have a jumble of different people in my Facebook friends' list, but I don't want to bother separating them 'coz then I'll have more accounts to take care of. Back in the beginning before I was active at all in Facebook, I didn't really know "that world". Now I have semi strangers in my blog as well as close friends and relatives and ex school friends, blogging friends and those in between (friends of friends).



 


Here are some things that I find tiring about Facebook in a nutshell (let me try to remember my thoughts from last night):

1. Facebook resembles so much like the real world in a twisted way.

So much like the real world, because unlike blogging where some people use pseudonyms, they mostly use their real names. And the interaction happens in a much faster speed. Twisted because you can be half a world apart from the other person, yet you can still feel things just like the feeling you may get from a face-to-face conversation.

An easy example: I once commented on someone's photo, and the person's response struck the wrong chord in myself. While reading the response, I got so angry and upset that I just wanted to lash out at that person. My initial reaction was to "slap back" (for lack of a better phrase). Thankfully I managed to calm myself down before typing down and publishing something I'd regret, withdrew myself from my computer, and did other things to calm myself down. Only after I did that then I replied to that person in a more civilised manner. That, I suppose, is a good thing about an online platform compared to the real world - it's easier to just withdraw and take a step back before reacting (in the real world this may be more tricky to do).

I've also felt a few times when someone comments on my posts, "Oh no...not again!" because the person is the kind that pushes my button, but once that person comments on any of my posts, it's "rude" if I don't respond back (especially if then I do respond to other commenters after and before that one).

I know that whatever I write can be subjected to any interpretation by anyone and that anyone is free to speak up their minds, but still it does resemble real life in a way. Sometimes you just want to get away from all of those feelings and people. But the problem with deactivating a platform like Facebook is that I feel that I'll "be left behind" because there are people in the site whose lives matter to me, whose photos I want to see, who I really want to connect regularly, whose interests match mine, etc. etc. etc. 

2. And because so many people are active in that platform, I feel that it's getting harder and harder to just disconnect there. And that's also one source of the fatigue. 

The feeling of not wanting to miss important things, but then again I do need to disconnect completely sometimes...but disconnecting completely means that when I get back online again there'll be so much to sift through in order to find out which is more important and which is not...

3. Due to the nature of a platform like Facebook, I feel that the temptation to show off is much greater than in blogging for example. Because I blog also for myself, I don't necessarily feel the need to show off because I mostly want to write down a kind of journal for myself - which I hope will entertain people or will help people connect with me or will help people learn from my mistakes, etc. 

However, in Facebook, many times when I want to post something, I have to think twice, "Am I posting this to share or to show off?" This is especially true for holiday pictures, but this doesn't cover all of the issues that may make me feel this way. For holiday pictures, I've resorted to sharing them with only a certain group of people.

4. Another part of the problem I experience with this kind of platform I've written down in the other post (and in the comment section): about wondering whether or not to comment, about the feeling of voyeurism (funnily enough I don't really feel this way with blogging - maybe because in Facebook there is a bigger opportunity to really check out those people whom I may know by name already in real life and that takes it to a whole different level), about whether my silence is better than saying anything (because a silence can also be deadly), etc.

Additional reason (added on Jan 17, 2013): I also feel that it's hard to control what you see in Facebook. Even though you can limit what you see in your Newsfeed, if your friend posts something that you don't really want to see, you're bound to glimpse through it and when it's something disturbing, then I feel disturbed and it doesn't really help me calm my inner world. 





Another part of the fatigue is due to a different platform. I've written about Whatsapp application before in this post: Whaddup. Anyway, that kind of platform allows you to chat with anyone in your guestbook (or phonebook) constantly if you're both online 24/7 with your mobile phone or iphone or smartphone. A few close friends have started using WhatsApp application to chat with one another and I did try it using the free version for PC during its trial period.

What made me tired was the thought of more and more people interacting this way - through that kind of platform and that, again, makes me feel left behind. I don't care about people I don't know, but I do feel left behind when it comes to my close friends, because you don't exactly "chat" that way via emails. When people use WhatsApp application, they can chat with one another during their breaks or when they're on the way to a place or when they're waiting for an appointment or whenever. In emails, you formulate your ideas in a more controlled manner, but when you're chatting with people live, you can talk about ANYTHING at all that comes in your mind. And it's hard to transfer that kind of chat file to an email-based world. And when you're not connected to them in that way, it feels as though they've gone for a quick coffee break to have fun without you.

Connecting through that kind of platform is VERY tiring because of time difference among other things. I go to sleep and when I wake up, I can see that some of them have left hundreds of messages already and I need to sift through the messages to find out if there's anything I need to respond to - but still even if I do respond to some of the (already old) messages, I feel that the conversation has moved on already. This is something new that feels weird for me and I don't necessarily like the feeling.

When you're on a holiday for a few weeks and you don't check your mailbox for a while and realize that your close friends have written dozens of emails, you feel overwhelmed in a way, but at least with emails it's (for me personally) still easier to catch up on because it's more structured so to speak. When it comes to following old chat messages (even if it's just a few hours old), it just feels so random, fragmented, confusing, and daunting.

So all of the above contribute to my feeling tired about this online world because I have to set my boundaries, but in a way I also don't want to "lose the connection" (especially with those I care about) by setting too tight boundaries/limits, but it gets harder to sift through the mess. OK, I think I've said what I really want to say, so enough about this for now.

Real World Talk vs Cyber World Talk

Yesterday I had great fun meeting friends and then afterwards some of us continued "chatting" through Facebook. Comparing the real life meet versus the cyber world "chats" (may be in the form of emails, the use of any type of messenger to chat or through Facebook messages) is interesting because time and time again I'm reminded of how "effective" cyber world communication can be compared to real life talk.

In real life when you meet friends, you get distracted by so many things and sometimes when you want to talk about certain things, those things get pushed to the sideline due to many factors. Maybe it's because the other engaging topics dominate the conversation or before you have time to address the things you want to talk about, time has run out. 

I find that when two or more people are focused in their cyber conversation, it's really much more efficient than real life chats when they meet. I guess the same thing applies to blogging, as well. When you have a "conversation" with other bloggers, you can read everything peacefully (provided that you're not in a hurry, that is) before you respond to the blog post (again, provided that you do want to respond to that post). However, in real life talks, esp. in a big group of people, sometimes even before you get to respond, something else comes up that distracts you, so you never get a chance to share your POV. 

I also find that sometimes it's easier to share things through blogs or writings (emails, text chats) compared to face-to-face talk. Maybe the topic is so tender or tough to broach upon or maybe you're worried about the other person's reaction before hearing the WHOLE story (which that person can read in peace without being able to respond in the middle of the story). 

I still prefer "chatting" through emails/blogging compared to chatting in chatrooms or any tipe of messengers. Facebook messaging system is quite handy, too, for those who are active there (it's also handy to send invitations to different events - provided that all the participants log in to Facebook regularly). Chatting in chatrooms (or via some type of messenger) is kinda hard to do when there are so many people involved who are really active because sometimes someone's internet connection may be slower than the rest, so it makes it harder for that person to follow the conversation in real life 'coz of the delay in getting the messages from the other participants. 


I can imagine those who are more people-persons would prefer real life meet much more compared to "chatting" via the internet (emails, chatrooms, messengers, Facebook, blogging, etc.).

I think cyber world talk has its own merits that real world talk is lacking, esp. when you have friends who are really busy juggling family life, career, friends, hobbies, etc. I'm THANKFUL for the cyber world who has allowed me to:

1. Meet the love of my life.

2. Keep in touch with my closest friends who live in different cities/countries.

3. Get to know so many lovely blogger friends.

Btw, yesterday was the first time I grilled on my own 'coz R2 was out of town. Here's a pic of the pork satay I made (they were not done yet):

And here's a pic of the blue sky above me (the temperature was about 18'C with cool wind blowing at around 4 pm):  

We still haven't had really hot days like last year. There was one year when it got as hot as 26'C at the end of May or early June, but this year they say it's the regular Lappish summer (it seems)...but I hope there'll be more warmer days later on. :-D Have a wonderful summer, people!!!

Why I Blog #2: Self-Worth

Writing the previous post took me back to the past. Actually, the full-time Finnish course started 10 months after I moved to Finland. There was an evening Finnish course in autumn that year, but it wasn't that effective 'coz there were only 20-25 hours of lessons in the course of 3 months. It did help a little, esp. in making me meet other expats living in Sodankylä, but it was not enough for our (all the expats) needs.

Anyhow, I remember during that period I was struggling with my self-worth. The world's voices became SO jarringly loud in my inner ears that I was shaken to the core. I felt "useless" as a human being. I knew I had to start life all over again from zero, but because I'm an adult and not a child, the transition was tough. I had to rely on R2 for many things 'coz in many government offices here (like KELA and employment office), most of them didn't speak English that well (or maybe they're just too shy to do so or they're mostly passive speakers).

I remember on one occasion before I learnt enough Finnish, I went to the employment office alone, told them in English very slowly what I wanted, but the woman sitting in front of me was at a loss on what to say to me. She did understand what I wanted, but she didn't know how to reply me. She grabbed a small Finnish-English dictionary and frantically tried to find the words she needed. I don't remember anymore if another woman helped us or not (vaguely I remember a woman from the next booth leaning in to help) - but in the end in very broken English she told me what she thought.

Anyhow, so I felt "crippled" in many ways at that time. I felt "useless" because this world puts so much emphasis on achievements. What are you? Who are you? What do you do? What is your profession? What is your contribution to the world? How many kids do you have? Where do you live? Do you have this and that and this and that?

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I was "only" a wife. We had no kids. I had plenty of time to kill. My self-worth took a huge dip. I had to learn to use different kinds of tools which I had never seen in my entire life. I had to learn to adjust to life in a cold country. I was determined to enjoy every single moment and I did enjoy many moments and my life with R2 (no traffic jam, fresh air, etc. etc. etc.), but my self-worth was still shaken.

R2 has been tremendous support for me 'coz he's NEVER EVER made me feel stupid, even when I do make stupid mistakes. And thankfully my parents-in-law have been such WONDERFUL help in making my life easier (especially MIL). This in itself is a GREAT blessing 'coz we meet once a week.

However, I had to struggle with my own broken self-worth. I had to remember over and over again that in God's eyes, I'm precious just the way I am. In His eye, each creation is precious. It was so hard to believe that when the world is screaming, "You're nothing when you don't accomplish anything."

During this time I remembered a relative of mine who'd been bedridden for many years (over a dozen years and now perhaps it's almost two decades already). In the beginning his memory was still active, but unfortunately lately it's dwindled a lot (I know this 'coz we visited him a few times over the past decade). I thought of him and pondered, "In God's eyes, he's still as precious as I am. He still loves him as much as He loves me, even though the world thinks he's nothing 'coz he can't work anymore nor can he eat or do other things on his own."

It was really tough to drown out the voices of the world, but over time it got better and better - or at least easier to take a step back and soak in God's love instead of believing what the world says.

Blogging has helped me with my self-worth, as well. After finding friends and being able to interact with them more, I felt more "useful". Even though I may not be able to do anything much, the least I could do was to support someone who needed it and gave encouragement. But still the underlying lesson I learnt during that period was that: In God's eye, each one of us is precious. Period.

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Life has plenty of surprises, though...infertility shook my core and my self-worth again. In the beginning, thinking that I wouldn't be able to be a mother made me wonder about my self-worth. Who am I if I can't become a mother then? Motherhood has been hailed as one of the greatest achievements on earth. I was in a daze in the beginning of our infertility journey and again I had to cling on God's sight when it comes to self-worth.

Yeah, I thought I had learnt the lesson already, but it seemed I still have a LONG way to go. Now that we've surrendered to life without kids, my self-worth has been going steadier compared to the days when we were still actively TTC (trying to conceive). But it was really a long and winding journey. I suppose you can learn the same/similar life lessons in different angles, depth, height, and breadth over the course of a lifetime.

I think one friend of mine summed it the best in one of her emails:

"Our glorious Lord NEVER looks down on us, not once! He knows what we all are from the very start: a lump of dirt that He formed, He chose and decided to create and love anyhow, even when He knew all the chaos and rottenness we mankind would eventually turn into. So there is NOTHING we can do to give ourselves any more value that what we already had from the beginning: the value of piece of dirt. Well that dirt happened to be LOVED, CHERISHED, and DELIGHTED by God. The Mighty Creator delights and rejoices in us, literally jumping in joy because of us, for NO REASON at all, but the fact that He IS LOVE, it's simply His nature."

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Value

A few days ago I got a surprise when I checked the mail and received a job offer from a different store. I've been thinking about it for the past few days about the pros and cons. I'm really thankful to have received a job offer, but after thinking about it, I've decided not to take it. My mind may change later on, but as time goes by I enjoy working in my current workplace more than before.

This offer has made me think about our value in life. What makes us "valuable"? In the eyes of world, it's probably how much we contribute to society or how good we "perform" in our many roles in life: as a sister, mother, neighbor, worker, husband, father, human being in general.

But what about those people whose condition makes them unable to contribute much or even at all? Like my FIL whose condition gets worse and worse? Or what about someone who's been paralyzed almost completely for years and years? I know one distant relative who's been bed-ridden for at least 17 years. Does that mean his value is "less" than others? Maybe to the eyes of the world, but not in God's eyes.

In God's eyes each one of us is valuable enough for Him to sent His son to die for our sins in the cross. In God's eyes each one of us is worth being saved. However, I think amidst this world's loud voices that tell you otherwise, it's sometimes easy to forget that if we strip away all the accomplishments and everything else that we "have earned", we are still valuable just the way we are.

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In Between "Two Worlds"

When I was a child, I used to think of myself being in between two worlds: the real world and my imaginary world. I considered my imaginary world as a place where I could run away to whenever I needed to. I even imagined myself standing in the middle of two worlds where I had one foot on the real world and another foot on the imaginary world and I was happy to be able to stand like that between those two worlds. They helped me cope with life, so to speak.

Recently I read a blog post that reminds me of this. She moved to NY from the UK and she's now been living in NY for years. She stated that she would never become a true blue New Yorker, but she also felt that she didn't "belong" in the UK anymore. She said the feeling didn't make her feel troubled, but it just felt weird.

I can relate to that. After having lived in Finland for almost 4 years, what I consider "normal" has changed. When I first moved to Finland, my perspective and what I considered "normal" was still very Indonesian, but now I know more about "the norms" in this place and what people do and what people expect from the government, etc. I don't feel that I ever want to live in Indo again (though if I REALLY have to and there's no other choice, I know I can make it), but I'll never become a true blue Finnish person anyway even if I have a Finnish citizenship later on.

Speaking of this topic, I've always been a "foreigner" whether I was in Indo or in Finland, so I'm used to that. I'm used to being the "minority" 'coz I'm a non-native person. Now I feel like I'm in between two worlds again in this real world: between Finland and Indo.

It doesn't matter, though, even though I'll never become a native my entire life (roughly speaking, even if I move to China 'coz my grandparents are Chinese, they won't consider me as a native 'coz I can't speak the language), I know where I belong. First and foremost, God accepts me the way I am and loves me. Secondly, I've got my family and plenty of friends who accept me the way I am. That's enough. Isn't that what we all need? To be accepted and loved just the way we are, whoever we are, wherever we are?

Anyhow, here are some more winter pictures I took yesterday...

First pic: "snowy flowers" he he...it was around -17'C or -18'C yesterday.


I just LOVE LOVE LOVE the shadow/sunlight patches on the snow...don't you?

Upside Down World

Weeks ago I felt so "soul weary" (a term I heard from Michelle Frost while we were discussing this topic in emails). She also said in one of the emails that 'coz these days we could get information at the click of a mouse that we became more burdened with the "weight of the world" (read: the world's troubles) on our backs. Back in the old days, we could only get the news from the radio or newspaper or TV. The amount of information we got was limited. Back in the more olden days, people could only get the news through messengers. Not many people knew the troubles suffered by the people living halfway across the world. Now I feel that it's the age of information overload.

With the many petitions through emails and now FB, it's easy to feel guilty if we don't participate. Plus we get more overwhelmed with the bad news happening all around the world or when we come across so much internet junk lying around here and there that we accidentally find.

I've also been wondering with humans' needs these days. Back then we only needed food to eat, clothing to stay warm, a place to stay to shelter us. Now with all the modernity and technology that we enjoy, I feel that we're putting values in things that don't really matter much when you think about it in the long run - the things that don't matter at all when you're facing death (or when a loved one is facing death or even slow death like my FIL) or devastating natural disasters. Every time I meet FIL these days, I think of life and I'm reminded of all the trivial things on earth that don't really matter.

I DO understand why humans are the way they are, 'coz I'm also a mere human being with all my strengths and weaknesses, but I wonder whether or not we've let life just pass us by in a swift motion, dragging us with the world that focuses even more and more on those trivial things on earth...where does our need to improve end and contentment begins? Where is the limit? On the other hand, accepting the status quo and being content with what we have also feels "wrong" in many levels. When did I ever feel that it's wrong to be content with what we have? Why do I feel that it's wrong? Is it really wrong?

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I remember when I was a child, TV programs started only at around 5 pm and ended at around midnight. Back then the only commercials were about immunization and stuff like that. Nowadays we're bombarded with so many commercials that tickle our "wants". I know that it's easy to become victim of those "wants" especially after I start earning money. I really need to STOP and THINK first whether I REALLY need them or not before I start buying stuff.

I also feel that the more developed technology is, the more ethical questions come up. Recently I read about a doctor who found this kind of drug during his research, but then it was stolen and the drug was recreated by the thieves and sold on the streets like heroin or something like that. He was shocked beyond belief and he regretted having created it in the first place. For every good thing and purpose, humans find ways to either go to the extreme with it or misuse or abuse it. It's human nature. I get it. But I can't help myself feeling sad because of it.

Another thing that saddens me is also what I heard about a woman who fell into a hole in one country that I won't mention here. The law in the country stated that only the medics could help her out, so people who wanted to pull her out weren't allowed to do so. The result? The woman had died by the time the medics arrived. How sad is that?

I also feel that this is an era where tolerance is taken to the extreme. For example: if parents discipline their kids rather "sternly", they're called "child abusers". I'm NOT saying I condone people who are mean to other people or to kids. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is should tolerance mean that we tolerate everything? EVERY SINGLE THING? Because it sure feels like we're going that way sometimes and it's driving me mad.

I don't know what I'm getting at by writing all these thoughts 'coz I haven't really found the conclusion. All I know that I have this strong desire to share these thoughts in my blog. Maybe some of you have some enlightenment to share with me that'd help me out of this vicious cycle of thoughts. Who knows? ;-D

Degree of Attractiveness

The other day I also had some other discussions with my close friends and again I'd LOVE to know what you think.

1. If someone "ordinary" stays close to someone "popular" (either at work or at school or in a community), do you think the "ordinary" person's degree of attractiveness rises up a notch or two just because of that reason? Have you ever been in a situation where you feel that you're more "attractive" simply 'coz you're close to someone "popular"?

My opinion: I don't think so, since I think that "ordinary" person only receives some incentives by being with the "popular" person. I've never been close to any "popular" people, so I can't say anything about it, but I think that everybody has his/her own degree of attractiveness and that's what they should believe in and work on.

2. Is it really true that "beautiful/handsome" people get by more easily in life (two friends of mine said yes)? Do they get more help from people even before they ask? And if they make mistakes, is it true that they won't be scolded too harshly? Is the world THAT fickle?

Is it also true that a male boss will usually be slightly more lenient to the mistakes made by a female employee rather than a male employee?

I have to tell you some bits about myself here. I've never actually worked in an office before. I tried it once but it only lasted for seven weeks, then I sent my letter of resignation. It felt hellish to work in that office. I tried working in a garment factory as a marketing assistant, but that job made me unable to sleep well at night and whenever I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel like going to work at all. I also had anger issues back then (read: I didn't know how to express my anger in a healthy way to some people at work since I was still a new employee and I didn't want to anger anybody, so I bottled it all inside me and it became poisonous to me - I cried quite a lot back then). I don't know if this was due to the fact that I didn't try hard enough to enjoy the work or not, but I quitted that job since I had another job option which had proven FAR better for my well-being.

So I chose translating books from home. I had a boss, but he lived in Jakarta (the central office was located in Jakarta), so we only contacted each other via emails and phone calls. In all fairness, I have to admit that I don't know how it's like to work from Monday to Friday in offices and having lots of colleagues. Before translating, I was a private English tutor, so no colleagues again. Added to that was the fact that I have always been a bit of a loner, so I haven't joined any organization. Thus less and less friction with other humans and less and less chance to see how the "real world" operates.

OK, I guess I've explained enough. I myself would like to believe that the world is NOT that fickle. I believe and I know that some people have a certain flair that makes them likeable. I know that charming people (they don't have to have the world's standard of "beauty or attractiveness") who have that power of persuasion might get by more easily in life. I also know that smooth-operators may also get by more easily in life, but I still refuse to believe that "beautiful girls or handsome guys" get by more easily in life simply because of their physical appearance.

YOUR TWO CENTS, PLEASE?