Thursday, May 30, 2013

Preparation Before The Funeral

In Indonesia, usually Christians in my city Bandung tend to have the cremation or burial of their loved ones a few days after. The family would usually rent a room (or two if they think there'll be so many guests) in a funeral home and the casket and the body will be laid there for three days. On day three in the evening there'll usually be the "closing of the casket" ceremony after a sermon and then the next morning the casket will be brought to a cremation place or burial place.

During the three days of "open house for guests", the family members will be ready to accept the guests from morning till night (because soon after the death is found out, they'll immediately contact a newspaper to put an ad about the details of the funeral and where you can visit the family and pay respect to the deceased). The family members usually provide drinks (water) as well as snacks (sweets, peanuts) and fruit (usually oranges). Guests will come along with a gift of money, pay their respect, talk to the family members present there, and then go back home. The whole thing is a tiring event for the closest family members especially.

If the deceased is buried, on the fourth morning usually only the closest family members and their relatives will go and escort the body to the burial place. And afterwards usually the closest family members (the wife/husband of the deceased) would treat them lunch. 

Because my dad was cremated, they had arranged a specific date and time afterwards to bring the ashes and spread it to the sea, so my Mom and bro rented a car and a driver to take them there (Bandung is in the middle of Java island so it's rather far from the sea).


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Here in Sodankylä apparently it's a whole different thing, even though I suppose things can also be done by request, but still...The funeral will be held on in a few weeks. Can't be done any sooner because the church is fully booked. Before the funeral, the church will ring the church bell on June 5th eighty times (the age of the deceased), so I'll be listening to that later on.

So we'll have a funeral service at the church, then the funeral will commence, then we'll all go to a certain place to eat. The option to eat depends on the family members: either to serve only coffee and sweet bread/cake or to serve those after serving a main course. MIL will have to talk to the catering service about what she wants.

On Wednesday first of all we went to buy the casket, then we went to church to book the funeral service. Because MIL hadn't booked any burial spot, we went there to look at the empty spots so that MIL could find a good place for FIL and herself (so she booked two plots because she wants to be laid to rest next to FIL).


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After that the funeral home director had prepared FIL and laid him down in the casket, so we went there to say our last goodbye. MIL then proceeded to put on FIL's socks, covered FIL's face with a kind of face cover that was already provided, then the three of us (me, MIL, funeral home director) put the casket lid on top and then put some screws on them. Then along with BIL we lifted the casket on to the back of the funeral home director's car. MIL sat next to him in the car, whereas BIL and I followed it with his car (R2 had work whereas BIL and I were still on summer holiday). Once the casket was put in a cooler, we went back home using BIL's car.

MIL still has so many things to think about...writing down the list of people who may come (if no more than 28 people, then we'll be able to use the small chapel in the cemetery area - but if there are more than that, we must use the church), the menu for the guests after the funeral, then what kind of hymns to sing during the funeral service, ordering the tombstone, sorting out FIL's stuff etc.

Anyway, MIL seems to be doing better today. Calmer. Yesterday she was still understandably shaky, esp. in the morning. Anyway, preparing for things like this makes me think of my own mortality. What kind of ending do I want for myself? I'd rather have the cheapest and the most practical kind available - cremation if possible, though I'm not sure one can do it here in this village. Oh well, when the time comes, it all depends on whoever is available to take care of it. :-)

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P.S. I've been browsing for flower wreaths/bouquets for hours 'coz apparently over here family members and guests would bring flower bouquets or wreaths to church. I've visited two flower shops here to find out about the models and prices, but basically speaking they can do pretty much anything per request (provided that they can get the flowers I want, because up here in the north the choices aren't as many as the south), so I really need to think of at least the colour combination of the flowers so that they can help me with the type of flowers. I also have to think of what to write on the card that'd go along with the flowers. It ain't an easy task, I tell ya (because I've never been to a funeral here and I don't really know the customs)!

12 comments:

  1. I'm from Hungary and we pretty much have the same customs as in Finland - at least what you wrote is the same as here...
    I've been to two close family funerals, there was a church service just for the family for my stepfather, and a fully packed small village church service for my cousins husband, with prayers and hymns. After those the closest family went to this "chapel" building inside the cemetery where the casket was kept to say goodbye while the rest of the family and friends and whoever wanted to come gathered outside - usually a lot of people! Then they carried the coffin outside and everybody stood around the plot, closest the family; a priest did the service, the casket was lowered and covered with ground, then all the bouquets and wreaths placed on it. It looks quite beautiful actually. The flowers stay on the grave for a long time, weeks at least, until they turn all brown, or the family / caretaker takes them off. As far as I know they do the same in England too (the flower bit) but the service is different here.
    In Hungary we usually have ribbons tied to the flowers, with the names of the givers and a quote or a sentiment. It was nice to read all the names and thoughts afterwards...
    We didn't had any gathering after my stepdad'd funeral because we just wanted to be alone; and there was a big family gathering on the other one, I guess that's different on every occasion.
    Sorry for writing so lengthily about this I got memories flooding back but they aren't all sad. I hope it is a bit help to prepare too even though it's not exactly about Finish customs in my experience we can be rather similar here in Europe :)

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    1. Shadowbat, feel free to write as long as you want. I really enjoyed reading it. :-) THANK YOU for taking the time to write it down. I LOVE reading details about things like this, so you've really helped me.

      And about the ribbons tied to the flowers with the names of the giver and a quote - it's the same here as well (I've seen pics of it in the flower shops' bouquet models). That's why I'm having a hard time: finding the kind of flower arrangements (colour combo) as well as the quote.

      Btw, I'm glad the memory flood that you experienced isn't all sad. :-)

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  2. Here in Finland usually during that coffee & cakes after funeral someone reads aloud letters of condolence sent by those relatives and friends who don't participate the funeral. Those letters contain some bible quote or citation to a poem. The reader should be someone who can do it without weeping.

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    1. Riikka, THANK YOU for your info. I still have no idea what can happen during that coffee/cakes gathering after the funeral. Yeah, you're right it should be done by someone who can do it without weeping.

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  3. Amel, I am so very sorry about your FIL. He is surely at peace now. I have been to a couple of funerals in Finland, and I found them very moving. Unlike in my home country, in Finland during the church service the relatives and close friends take turns to come forward and lay their flowers on the coffin, and say a few words to the deceased (though some choose not to say anything). I found this very emotional, even though I couldn't understand every word. I actually like this custom very much - there is such warmth and love in people's words to their departed loved one, and I think the overall atmosphere helps people release their grief into tears. All the very best, Amel - big hugs to you.

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    1. THANK YOU, Katriina. And thanks for sharing your experience. Yeah, I can imagine the warmth and love pouring when people say those words to the departed loved one.

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  4. dear Amel,
    I am sorry for your FIL.
    Please, say my condolences to your husband.
    hugs.

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    1. THANK YOU from the both of us, Klara. :-)

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  5. That does sound a tiring few days in Indonesia. I didn't realise it was so different from in the UK.
    In the UK we always send/bring flowers and a card, unless the family state they'd rather money went to a certain charity, this can sometimes happen.
    I'm sure you'll find the perfect flowers and words in the end, I know this can be difficult at first.
    I'm glad your MIL has been calmer.

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    1. Yeah, apparently over here it can be the same - that the family can state that they'd rather have money to a certain charity. I guess it's similar to the tradition here, I suppose.

      Yep, didn't need to worry about the flowers after all he he...:-D

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  6. I hope your MIL is doing better. Sorry about your FIL ! My FIL and BOTH of my parents died the same year 2011. Both my Dad and FIL were not doing very well so in some respects it was a blessing.

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    1. THANKS, Vince. She's doing better but it'll take time to adjust to everything. At least we're here for her and all the kids and grandkids are coming for the funeral. :-) I understand what you mean about your Dad and your FIL. You sure had a very busy year in 2011, a year filled with goodbyes...

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