Yesterday I pushed someone away. It certainly didn't make me feel good, but it also made me feel relieved. Remember the story when my closest friends felt overwhelmed by my long emails that I wrote so often when I first moved to Finland? I leaned on them for support too much, and in the end they got burnt out. One of them told me point blank that she couldn't spare more time for me due to her life schedule. Only then I fully realized that I had been having too high expectation of them.
Well, that was what I felt about that friend whom I pushed away (let's call her Uni). She isn't one of my closest friends, but she's also a close friend. Since I have less time for myself and to do anything else after my full-time course started, I have less tolerance for anything that ruins my mood.
I know that Uni has had problems lately, but when I come back from the course, I'm tired already and it just ruins my mood to read her complaints again and again and again. It's fine to hear a complaint once, but if you're tired and you just want to relax and you read it again and again and again in different ways...after a while you get burnt out. In the end I didn't even want to read her messages anymore, let alone replied them. However, I didn't resort to not reading and not replying. I resorted to explaining to her about my situation.
I knew it would hurt like hell, just like what happened to me when one of my closest friends told me point blank about the facts of life. I HOPE she'll understand me, though right now she must be SO disappointed at me. She replied briefly to my explanation, saying, "I know you're busy right now and that you have your own life. I'm sorry to have shared my complaints with you. I'm not going to bother you anymore."
Sigh...it's not that I don't want to hear her life story, but if I keep on hearing bad news, bad news, bad news, then in the end I don't know anymore what I have to say to support her. I know the situation she's facing now sucks BIG TIME, but then again when you've done EVERYTHING you can and still you can't change it, all you can do is either find another way out or just wait until the door is open. She keeps on wanting to change everything and make it faster...she keeps on asking me to analyze, too. It's draining me out whenever I read about her messages and all I see is problem, problem, problem...
Oh well...I asked Arttu if he thought I was cruel by doing this to her and he said no. Well, one thing for sure is that now I understand MUCH better what my close friend felt when she pushed me away. And I'm glad to say that now I no longer bombard them with emails he he he he...
I think what you did was okay to do. I understand exactly what you mean about being bombarded with someone else's problems. My daughter has done that to me at times and it wears me down. Your friend might learn a valuable life lesson through this.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately there are many people who like to play the role of victim. It feeds something within them. This would seem to be this person you speak of.
ReplyDeleteThis type of person is vampiric in draining people of their energy (whether intentional or not).
IT IS GOOD TO SAY NO.
Not enough people love themselves enough to do so. You cannot give yourself away ALL the time.
THAT is not friendship...that is selfishness on the other persons part.
Support is good, but when the other person will not cross a line (marked metaphorically in the sand) and they go over and over the same issue again and again...it is not solving anything. It is only serving their own victim mentality.
Victim mentality does not like to be recognised and approached...it elevates into anger twisted with guilt, but it tries to put the guilt elsewhere, on to other person. ANYTHING other than to look within themselves..and accept that only THEY can change their pathway...
YOU DID RIGHT AMEL. All part of your tapestry of learning...
Seasons and Reasons...remember?
Love M x
You did the right thing Amel, or else your friend would never learn to stand on her own two feet.
ReplyDeleteI remember hanging out with a friend few year back. He was always saddled with problems and in the beginning I tried to help but realise that he wasn't helping himself. He did nothing to change the situation except moan and groan about his misfortune. When he introduced me to his mom, I realised that she's also like that. So it runs in the family. It stressed me out so much that I finally avoided spending too much time with them.
Everybody, THANKS for your comments and input and insights. :-)))) Due to my busy schedule, I FORGOT to reply on these comments. Dang he he he...
ReplyDeleteKathy: I sure hope my friend will learn something good from this. :-)))
Michelle: You're SO right about a person with a victim mentality. Somehow I had known it at the back of my mind, but it came SO clear to me after you wrote it here. I was wondering why I never felt drained when I read emails or messages from my other friends or closest friends. Now I know clearer whyyyyy, so THANKS for your insight! ;-D
Yeah...I remember your post on different types of friendships. ;-D
Blur Ting: THANKS for the affirmation and for sharing your story. You're right...it's really tiring when someone keeps on moaning and complaining. :-)))
Well, I've now gotten rid of my guilt about pushing her away. The other day I felt a bit of guilt, but not anymore. I'm FREE. :-)))
Amel, don't worry too much about that... people who likes complaining can affect ourselves, you know.. bisa menular.. :-) make friends with positive people is really good. We can be more grateful! Just like reading your posts, really positive and full of love, is refreshing my day! :-)
ReplyDeleteTrinity: I'm GLAD to hear that my posts refresh your day. ;-D And you're right...it's infectious and I don't want to be infected by negativity he he he...;-D
ReplyDelete