I'm in the middle of composing an important letter in my head. I'm going to transfer it to text later. You see, if you're a regular reader, you've probably known that we've decided to surrender to life without kids. After spending a few years trying to conceive and thinking that family = husband + wife + a kid (a few kids), it took A LOT of energy and a long winding healing process to finally switch to thinking that a complete family = me + hubby. My huge hole in the heart has dried up and we've been content with what we have (read: meaning on most days, we can focus more on what we have and be thankful for what we have instead of the hole in our hearts, though there are tender moments here and there).
During our infertility journey, I've told my mom succinctly about our decisions and every time she seemed to be supportive. Last summer during our holiday, mom wrote me an SMS saying, "Last year on your birthday I woke up early in the morning and sent a prayer to God so that you'd be pregnant. Instead your SIL got pregnant."
I was shocked when I read that SMS. I told her about our decision to live life without kids already three years ago and back then she said it was a good decision, but last year she was still praying like that? Mind you, I AM thankful that I have a mother who prays for me, but I find that it's rather useless to pray for someone to get something that the person in question doesn't want anymore (that the person in question doesn't even try to get anymore). What's the use for that? I know that I can't control what she hopes for us and I KNOW damn well she means well, but nevertheless I felt sad and upset when I read her SMS. Why? Because what she thinks will make us happier only makes me feel that what we have right now is not enough.
The world is already so full of reminders of our losses and we need all the support we get to live the kind of life that we've chosen. In the past I had some guilt over the fact that I couldn't give my parents any grandchildren, but I've learnt to get rid of the guilt...but I haven't actually told her about this kind of guilt. I'm planning to tell her about this guilt so that she knows how hard it was. Choosing this path hasn't been easy and I need all the support I can get. If the person saying those words isn't my mom, I won't even consider trying to explain all these to her/him, but because I'm still going to keep in touch with my mom, I need and want her to understand my situation better.
You see, a few weeks ago I was talking to mom on Skype and she told me that a long-distance relative of hers came for a visit. When the auntie saw my wedding photos, she realized that I had married a foreigner, so she asked my mom the usual stuff (where I live etc.)
Auntie: "Does she have kids?"
Mom: "Not yet, because she postponed it and used birth control pills."
Auntie: "Oh yeah, I also know someone who used birth control pills to postpone having children and after that they had trouble conceiving. They finally had a child after four years of trying."
Again I was shocked when I listened to the story. I know that my mom didn't just tell me the story for no reason. So she was more or less blaming me for the use of birth control pills? And does that mean she still hopes for a miracle pregnancy? I'm always thankful to have a mom like my mom and I admire her for many different reasons, but I'm struggling with how to tell her gently about all these things (where do I start, how much should I divulge, etc.?). The reason why I finally thought about writing her all these stuff is because next year we're planning to visit Indonesia and I just don't want to hear these kinds of words coming out of her mouth anymore. These kinds of words don't help us in any way whatsoever.
glitter-graphics.com
OK, change topic...I think this is going to be a very memorable Christmas for me because of many reasons. :-D :-D :-D First of all, the gift I sent to someone who was such a heaven sent years ago was welcomed with open arms. I really love people who can not only give, but also receive with open arms. Secondly, I calculated my budget and I made a last-minute order of extra gift for hubby which I hoped will make him smile. Thirdly, at first we thought it would be such a quiet Christmas with just the two of us, but turned out MIL could still enjoy it with us here, so WHOOOOOOPPPPEEEEE for that! :-D Fourthly, I sent something to someone which again I hope will make that person smile. Last but not least, I'm VERY THANKFUL I have enough budget to do all of the above and that I still have a job despite the tough economy. THANK YOU, Lord, for allowing me to do all these things.
glitter-graphics.com
Guilt has been on my mind lately. And I'm not talking about the necessary guilt - the kind of guilt we feel that will help propel us to become better people. I'm talking about unnecessary guilt. Do we feel that guilt because we feel that we're "bad" if we don't feel guilty at all? Do we feel the guilt because we've heard people say things that make us feel guilty? Do we feel guilty because we know people expect us to feel that way?
It's just that I'm reminded of this one incident where I made a mistake, though something that I didn't intentionally do. I didn't even know I was making the mistake at the time of the incident. I only found out about it later and the only thing I can do is just try to do better next time. And then someone made a comment that made me think, "Am I supposed to feel guilty about this?" I was sorry for making a mistake, but I wasn't actually feeling any guilt until I heard the comment. But then I started thinking...I've promised myself to do better next time, do I have to carry this guilt around as well? I refuse to do so.
But that incident made me think...did the guilt come slithering out only because I felt I was a "bad" person if I didn't feel any guilt at all? Hmmm...I'm going nowhere, I know he he he he...
Anyway, I shall leave you with this sublime video clip of The Piano Guys: Happy Together.
1. Making a decision after thinking about it for a few days and knowing deep in my heart that it's the right call.
2. R2 is unwell now, which is "good" in a way 'coz then when my friends come here for a visit, he is well enough to drive to Rovaniemi to pick them up. Now I only need to hope that I won't catch the viruses 'coz it's been spreading around the village (one coworker is sick and another one started coughing yesterday).
3. FIL has stopped asking MIL, "When's your holiday ending? When are you taking me back home?" and thus MIL can now stop feeling guilty. In fact, when she took her back home for a few hours, he said that he wanted to go back home (to the nursing house).
4. I bought a tiger roll that I had never tried before the other day and it smells and tastes SO good!!!
5. Excitement 'coz my friends are coming for a visit soon (in 10 days). Can't wait to meet them!!! Haven't seen them in about 4 years. ;-D
6. Rubbing R2's cold hands to make them warm and seeing gratitude in his sweet smile. He's such a babe!!! :-D
7. Some of my fave TV series are coming back soon (Good Wife, Criminal Minds). YIIIIHHHHAAAAA!!!!
8. Buying some gifts for my loved ones and also souvenirs for my friends (grateful that I have the money to buy them). :-D
9. The weather's stopped being too hot (the other week it was 31'C three days in a row - which was unusual 'coz usually it only lasted for a day - and we don't have any fan or aircon, so it was really stuffy inside and it was hard to sleep well at nights).
10. Finding a funny manga about a teacher and being able to laugh out loud.
11. Recreating the kind of food that my Mom used to make us. Brings me straight back to the kitchen when she prepared the food for us. :-D
Hi, people!
A belated Happy Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year! I've had some blissful days of not thinking about anything much and then had some soul-searching sessions where I finally found out the root of my problems (I'll tell you later after I'm finished with the post, but right now I don't want to write about that yet - suffice it to say that I had a period of being-my-own-worst-bully where I had too much irrational guilt) and I'm starting the healing process he he he...
The house is now neater than before, though we still have to do many things, but at least we've put the darkened rolled curtains in both bedrooms and all the rooms have curtains now. Yesterday R2 was busy fixing the washing machine hose 'coz ours was too short, so he had to buy an extension, so only yesterday we could start washing our dirty laundry ha ha ha...
Here are some more pics (yeah, we should buy another one of that long green carpet if we want to match it up, but it's rather expensive, so we'll just wait):
This is the computer room now:
LOVE how the sun shines through the kitchen window...and in the morning it shines through the living room window. LOVE it!!!
Look how thick the snow is! It snowed so much again on Saturday night and last night. Just now I cleaned up the snow again and it was getting hard to find places to "dump" the pile of snow in the yard he he...
The "freezing" swing set. Can't wait to try it on when all the snow's gone he he...
I've also been cooking and baking a lot 'coz I have so much time to kill. As you all know I'm waiting for an entrepreneur course, but it keeps on being postponed. Last year when they advertised it, it was supposed to start the beginning of this year, but it's already mid February and they're postponing it again until spring. 'Coz the house is almost in complete order now, I don't want to stay home all day, so I'm looking for another training place. Wish me luck, OK?
When it comes to my FIL...he is getting worse (slowly but surely). I can see it every time we visit them on Saturdays. On the bright side, though, there's a nurse who comes to visit them once a month to evaluate his condition and to find out what kind of tools he might need. So far he's got free diapers from the government and also some handles (you know, the kind of door handle near the toilet seat?) and also another handle near the toilet and another one on the side of the bed 'coz it's been hard for him to get up after lying down and MIL has a bad back, so it's hard for her to help him get up (also 'coz of their height difference - their height difference is the same as mine and Arttu's: about 32 cm). For those of you who pray, please pray for MIL to be given the strength and peace of mind (no self-blaming).
OK, now it's time for me to blog-hop a little. ;-D
The more you interact with other people, the more you learn about others and yourself. I find it intriguing that sometimes upon reacting to something I read or hear, I start to wonder why my reaction or comment is such and such. Then I start tracing it back to my past, trying to find the missing link(s). When I find it or them, then I begin to experience enlightenment.
Enlightenment is crucial since you'll then (hopefully) know what to do next, even though it may be painful. Once you realize something important, you need to take actions: heal yourself, forgive yourself, forgive others, move on, let go, etc.
Sometimes when you interact with others, you might also experience seeing a mirror of your present or past self. It can evoke frustration, sadness, shock, guilt, joy, or it can even make you want to help the other person get through what you've left behind.
I think one of the hardest things to do is to love ourselves. A while ago a man and I had a talk. He said that he had always been too hard on himself, since he was a perfectionist. I don't know if he was born a perfectionist or whether he developed into one. He said that it was a miracle that he didn't turn out as a drug addict or drunkard considering his past.
I didn't probe more as it didn't seem appropriate. His being too hard on himself made me think, though. I used to be that way, too, but I'm slowly learning to be kinder to myself. Some days are easier than other days, but I'm getting there. But if one has "mastered" the art of loving oneself, would it feel wrong? Is there something wrong if I'm able to love myself despite myself? I don't think that anyone can love themselves without ever experiencing guilt or shame or anger toward themselves, but if at the end of the day one can truly love oneself after experiencing all those emotions, is it all right?
I have to be honest with you that a few times in the past I enjoyed feeling guilt within me as it seemed to have made me more humane. But that kind of idea also feels wrong. And here I am going in circles again, yet I do enjoy this process so much...
Ever wished someone dead? I did. Twice. It's not something I pride in, but I just want to share it here.
Let me tell you the first time I had that wish. When I was in elementary school, my parents had a joint venture with someone and then the business went worse. They stopped doing the business and then Dad found a job through one of his cousins. This cousin also knew that someone who was my parents' business partner. This cousin gossiped about my Dad to this person and thus this person got mad. This person accused my Dad of such-and-such and then hit his face. At first I didn't understand what had happened. All I knew was that my parents came home crying. It was the first time I had ever seen my Dad cry. After I found out what the problem was, I knew that Dad wasn't crying because of the physical pain, but because of the betrayal, being accused of something he wasn't. I got SO angry at that time so I wished the perpetrator dead. I didn't understand yet that there was a third person who made the perp angry.
The second time I wished someone dead was yesterday. I felt like a total bitch. If you'd read my earlier post entitled "Dad", you'd known that my Dad's changed lately. Yesterday I asked my brother via SMS whether my Dad was still yapping and snapping at my Mom. My brother said that that day he got angry and he snapped at my Mom and made Mom cry (again, for the umpteenth time!). Since I'd always been closer to Mom (sometimes I feel bad for Dad as it seems he can't connect with his kids better than Mom does), there was one second that I felt a HUGE surge of anger. Being a woman, it's so much easier for me to understand Mom's pains. Well, I also know for sure that my brother is on Mom's side, as well. I know it's UNFAIR for Dad, but in a way he makes it hard for us to be on his side (even though he may not be able to help it).
Well, I cried as well because I could just feel Mom's pains. She'd been SO supportive to Dad. I know she has her faults, too, but still she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. NOBODY deserves to be treated that way. Another problem was that Dad couldn't say sorry without raising his voice. He's an emotional man and he sees things black-and-white and I guess his ego also prevents him from saying sorry calmly. I don't get it when I hear this sentence, "Love means never having to say sorry." For me, the ability to say sorry sincerely and calmly is crucial.
Anyway, that second I snapped and I thought that it'd be better if God took away my Dad. Then a second later I felt SO guilty that I prayed to God to take away my anger and to forgive me for having such a morbid thought. The truth is, I know that my Mom'll be able to live happily still without my Dad, but I'm not too sure that my Dad can live happily without my Mom.
I think I've also felt weird these past week ever since I heard the news about my Dad's symptom of stroke. I feel somewhat "guilty" because my life here is going on well and I'm enjoying my time with my husband, whereas my family in Bandung's going through such turmoil and I can't help much except just to pray for them. I feel somewhat bad to my brother as I can't help much, whereas he and his girlfriend had helped me before and on our wedding back in Indo. I feel also "guilty" if I don't enjoy my happiness here as it's God's blessing to me. I also feel guilty because I can't be there for my Mom. How do you feel happy and guilty at the same time? How do you balance the two? Should I feel guilty only when I think of them and then enjoy my life here when I'm not thinking of them? It's a weird mixture of emotions. I just hope that things would be better between my parents. My Dad wasn't always like this. There were times when they could laugh at something together until they both almost peed in their pants. I LOVED those moments so much!
Sigh...I guess this is one of my random posts. I was just thinking today that everybody needs angels. Angels can be in the form of strangers or anybody. A touch/word of grace, a touch/word of love, a touch/word of understanding, someone who listens, someone who cares, someone who makes a difference in your life, someone who enlightens you, someone who shows interest in you, someone who thanks you, someone who pats you on the back, someone who believes in you. Angels...I'm SO GLAD God has put His angels everywhere on earth.
