Introvert Galore: Becoming More Finnish?

I think I've once written how I feel more at home in Finland compared to Indonesia in terms of my being an introvert. What's fascinating is that another expat from the USA, who's also an introvert, has felt the same way. She also feels that in her home country, society expects people to be more of an extrovert than an introvert. I think the longer I stay here, the more I feel like I become Finnish in this aspect. You see, a new expat friend of mine has noticed something funny about the Finns. She said that when she meets up with the locals that she's met many times before, sometimes when they aren't in the mood, you can literally feel a distance between the two of you. My friend's husband had even warned her beforehand about this typical shift in attitude when it came to the locals, so my friend was well prepared, even though it still baffled her a bit.

When I heard this, I started thinking of myself and how true it was. Or is it more correct to say that I'm becoming more like me because at the end of the day, I'm an introvert after all? Whichever is the case, these days there are times when I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Interacting with people can be so exhausting. No wonder I feel so at home with my hubby who can be categorized as a silent type. The longer I stay with him, the longer I stay in Finland, the more I value the sound of silence.

During the time when I was doing translations at home, once an uncle of mine suggested to my mom to try to encourage me to join a club or something like that. He just wanted me to get out of the house and mingle with people. Funny how he didn't say it directly to me, but to my mom, but anyway...I didn't feel like I needed to join any club and I was quite content with my life, but it seemed that he thought I was becoming a hermit or something? I feel that Finns understands the beauty of silence more than Indonesians so to speak, even though on the other hand it's understandable why many people say that (in general) Indonesians are warm people, whereas Finns are rather cold.



I remember trying to find as much information about getting married and getting my paperwork sorted out before moving to Finland from a Finland forum where many expats could share anything, including useful links about how to find a job and how to write an application letter. I think it was someone from USA who wrote that article on how to write an application letter, because the writer strongly suggested that applicants must NOT brag about the things that they had done, which was something that was considered normal or even expected in the writer's home country.

I feel that the Finns love it more when people tone things down. Simplicity is considered more of a virtue here compared to grandiose. Toning down is preferable compared to selling yourself (and I don't mean selling your body, but the ability to convince people to hire you by letting them know passionately about your strengths and your experiences/abilities). I even feel that over here having the necessary papers (certificates/diplomas) is more important than however much hands-on experience and knowledge that you have learnt along the way without any papers to show. I don't know if this happened way back in the old days, but this is what I feel like for today's Finland. 


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Speaking of selling yourself, I had a very intense job interview once in Indo. There were two interviewers and I still remember clearly two of the questions. The first question was: "Sell yourself to us. What do you have? What are your strong points? Convince us to hire you!"

And when I stated the things that I considered my strength, you know what they said? They said, "Anyone else can say all the things that you've said. What else have you got to sell to us?"

Blimey! I was really cornered and I knew right then and there that I wouldn't get the job because I got stuck and it was like seeing myself stumble on a rock and falling down in slow motion he he he...

Anyway, the second question was: "Imagine yourself 5 years from now. What do you want to do then?"

That was really tough to answer because what I had in mind wasn't exactly the kind of job that I was interviewing for and I felt that they really saw through me. The only thing that made me applied for the job was the thought that I would be challenging myself and I'd be out of my comfort zone and who knows how much I could grow there. Long story short, I didn't get the job, but I appreciated the fact that they sent me an email to thank me for coming and to let me know that they had selected someone else. One expat friend of mine once told me that Finns didn't let applicants know if they don't get a job, which she found strange (probably because it was a custom in her home country).

Have you ever experienced any kind of tough job interview? If so, what happened during the interview? 

I don't remember anymore if I've shared it here or not, but this is a really beautiful talk on The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain. I bet many of you have listened to it or at least heard her name, but I'm going to listen to it again, so I'll just share it here just in case you've missed it:

East Meets West

I remember someone telling me when I was still living in Indo that I wasn't too Eastern-minded and I think after having lived in Finland for a few years, I'm getting more Western-minded. Just a while ago I checked my FB account and found a friend who was frustrated with the "extreme hospitality of Indonesians" - meaning the people who keep on asking him when he's going to get married.

In his frustration, he wrote some answers that he might give and asked us to rate which one would be the best. I laughed when I read one of the answers he wrote, "And how about you yourself? / When are you going to get married? / When are you going to have kids? / When are you going to give your first child a sibling? / When are you going to die? / Why did you use drugs?". Another answer he gave was, "I'm too handsome, so there are too many candidates and it's just so hard to choose." It also made me laugh he he...

I know that when I go back to Indo again, they'll keep on asking me, "When are you going to have kids?"

And I'm either going to say, "Just pray for us" or "Go ask God when He's going to give us kids."

There's no escape these questions when you live in that type of society:

- When are you going to get married?
- When are you going to have kids?
- When are you going to have another kid? Your first child needs a little brother/sister?

I must say that living in a Western society that isn't "too friendly" has its advantages, especially for an infertile like me. I'm free from all those bothersome questions and I don't have to keep repeating my answers like a broken record. In Indo, unless you get married early and have at least two kids early, you can't avoid those questions and the more friends and colleagues and relatives you have, the more wedding invitations you'll get and during those wedding parties, you're bound to get asked those questions.

Another eastern thought is that when you're a widow/widower and you're "so old" already, why bother get married? I know a relative who's a widow. She's over 60 years old and she's now being approached by a widower (both of them have grown-up kids and grandchildren already). Her closest relatives think it's all up to her, but that doesn't mean that society would think that way. It's a whole different case here in the west. Even if you're 70 years old, if you want to get married, so be it. It's your right and your life. Why bother think about what other people think? It only makes your life more complicated.

A friend of mine who worked in a European country for a few years just returned to Indonesia. She experienced culture shock when she came back home. Being single, she thought that what would bothered her the most was the fact that she was single. Turned out that the most bothersome part was the fact that Indo people thought she was stinking rich 'coz she had earned Euros when she worked in that European country.

It takes a long time before she can feel at home again in Indo and there are many things in Indo that bother her now (that didn't bother her before). I even think that it's a worse culture shock when she came back to Indo rather than when she first moved to that European country, 'coz now she's used to life and culture in that European country.

I must say that I still know what the Eastern people think about many things, but these days I've learned to care less and less about that - what matters most is that my family supports me and understands my decisions.

In every culture there are also positive and negative aspects, but I strongly dislike all those chit-chat questions that I've written above. Caring for other people is good, but "caring too much" (a term given by a priest in my brother's church) is not good.

Cultural Damage?

On Monday morning we left to Rovaniemi to spend a night there. It was on a whim that we decided to spend a night there, so there weren't many options left to find a hotel room within our budget. We stayed a night at Lapland Sky Hotel Ounasvaara (you can google it to find out where it is). It's a simple hotel with no frills, but we got a room with a sauna and the price we paid (142 Euros for the both of us) included breakfast. The other hostels in the city were fully booked and the other hotels in the city were so expensive, so we chose this one.

I feel that I've been "culturally damaged" by having lived in this small village called Sodankylä. What are the damages involved?

1. Now I'm really noise sensitive when it comes to bedtime. In Indo we lived in a small alley where there were always plenty of noise around us and then I could sleep so well even with all the noise. Now after having lived here for 4 years, I find that it's getting harder and harder to sleep when it's noisy outside (except perhaps when I'm DEAD tired).

You see, when we were about to sleep in the hotel at around midnight, some guests just started coming back and the hallway was really noisy. Our next door neighbour just came back with the whole family and they were so loud. It was hard for us to sleep and I got frustrated 'coz in the past when I still lived in Indo I could go to bed so easily even with all the noise around me.

2. Here in Sodankylä I find that my personal space is SO WIDE due to the small number of inhabitants. Wherever I go, I've never found too many people around me so I can move freely everywhere. When we went to Rovaniemi the other day, there were so many people in the mall due to tourist season and the fact that they're having big post-Christmas discounts everywhere. I've found myself feeling like wanting to shout, "Stay away from me! You're in my personal space!!!"

This is not the first time I felt something like this. I also felt it when I went to Singapore and Indonesia two years ago and last year. Too many people disturb me so easily now that I've lived here in Sodankylä. I think the longer I stay here, the harder it is for me to feel at home anywhere else - of course if I HAVE to stay somewhere else where there are many people and where it's noisy, I can always adjust to it again, but all I'm saying is that it's hard to get used to all those things after you've enjoyed the beauty of plenty of space and lack of noise around you. For me it's MUCH easier to get used to plenty of space and lack of noise after you've been surrounded by lack of space and too much noise around you.

OK, enough rambling...even though we had to pay for the hotel, I felt that it was worth it 'coz we got lovely pictures from around the hotel area. Let me share some here first and I'll continue sharing more pictures in a later post...

1st pic: Taken at around 4 pm right after we checked into the hotel. We went up the roof/deck of the hotel (there were frozen benches and tables up there - I guess they used it to eat during summer to enjoy the view). It was on a 3-storey floor. Behind me down there there was a ski lift (maybe it's not clear but you can see it in another pic which I'll post in another post).


2nd pic: Yep, the sky was really dark orange. I was amazed when I looked at the sky when we arrived at the hotel (the hotel is located a little bit up on a hill) and yes, they put some green lamps around the area and I found it weird to look at green trees he he...


3rd pic: Another shot of the sunset.


4th pic: I took this pic after we had our breakfast, at around 10.00 am. The sun was just about rise. I went up to the deck again and I was amazed when I looked around me. I'll upload some videos later on, as well.


5th pic: Another shot from up the deck. You can see the ski lift operating room down there.


6th pic: I went down again and found a path leading away from the hotel and I took pictures from there.


7th pic: The actual sky didn't have purplish hue, but I LOVE this pic anyway. It was more blue and white, though the orangey/pinkish hue in the previous photo was real. I feel like the trees are "sighing due to the weight of the snow" he he he...


OK, I have to go to work soon, so to be continued. Not sure when I'll post again 'coz I have an evening shift today and tomorrow a morning shift and I may go straight to my MIL's place to celebrate New Year there together, but I'll be back (if God still gives me breath HA HA HA HA HA...). Take care, people, and have a BLESSED New Year!!! Hopefully next year is better than this year! :-D

Perspective Change?

I've been wanting to write about this interesting topic since ages ago, but only now I remembered again ha ha ha ha...OK, imagine a tomboy girl living in Indo. She's really a tomboy that she doesn't like looking too "girly". Thus she doesn't like the idea of padded bras (any kind of padded bras). She thinks that it's disturbing if she makes her chest look bigger on purpose. She actually shivers just at the thought of wearing bras that would make her chest look bigger.

Fast forward 10 years. She's now moved abroad and she finds herself a western hubby. She's found her femininity and she becomes more in touch with her "girl powers". She now wants to look as pretty and nice as possible for the hubby, so now she likes padded bras.

However, what's interesting is that when we both saw the "before" and "after" picture of some girl who's done breast implants, she now thinks that the "after" picture is better than the "before" one 'coz in the "before" picture, the girl's chest is small.

In the past, when she still lived in Indo, the community doesn't really think that big chest is all THAT big of a deal. After all, most Asian ladies have smaller chest than westerners. However, after living in a western world for about 10 years, she has changed her perspective. She was even at one time thinking that having breast implants would be a welcome idea (though that doesn't mean she's going to have breast implants - the bottom line is the change of perspective on chest size).

Isn't it interesting how society can change our perspective? After living in Finland for 3 years and 3 months, here are the contrast of cultures I've noticed after having submerged myself in Finnish culture:

1. Indonesians "care too much" about other people's business. They ask too many unimportant questions - that are none of their business, such as: "When's your turn to get married?", "When are you going to have your child?", "When are you going to give a little bro/sis to your first child?, etc.

It is good in a way that the culture looks "warm" 'coz they do talk and chit-chat with their neighbours, whereas here in Finland it's a "colder" culture where neighbours just say hi without talking too much about their personal lives. However, too much is too much and I think Indonesians should learn to somewhat "back off" before asking too many annoying questions.

2. Indonesians are far too loud people. Yeah, 'coz Finnish people are basically MUCH MUCH quieter than them.

3. Indonesians care too much about "outer appearance". That's why it's far easier to sell a trend there than here in Finland. For example: over here not many people have iPods or Blackberries or something like that, but in Indo there are SO many people who use it. I remember when I still lived in Indo, the pressure about outer appearance was SO huge that even though I couldn't care less about all those things, but I could feel it all around me.

4. In Indo, you can visit your neighbours/relatives without asking first. You can just drop by unannounced, but over here it seems rude to do so.

5. Now I'm used to eating pulla or sweet bread with coffee; (rice or wheat) porridge with sugar, berries, and yoghurt; and ruispalat (dark bread).

6. I've never been invited to any wedding parties here - whereas if I'm still living in Indo, I bet during 3 years I'll have been invited to at least a dozen wedding parties of my relatives or friends. In Indo, the more friends/relatives/coworkers/church friends you have, the more wedding invitations you'll get.

OK, I won't make this post too long. Just wanna share some POVs and now it's time to blog-hop. Tomorrow I have to get up early to go to work and it's going to be my first long day (8-hour shift), but the good thing is that I will only work again on Fri and Sat. WHOOOOPPPEEEE!!! :-D

Culture and Life

The other day a friend and I talked a bit about the global economic crisis. She (a full-time mom) lives in Japan with two young kids (she's Indo, her husband is Japanese). She said that nowadays they wouldn't allow her hubby to work overtime. She said it felt weird to have him back home already at 6 pm. Due to that fact, as well, they have to tighten their belt since the family's income is not as much as it used to.

In Finland, I find myself missing hubby when he works overtime. Overtime = when he doesn't come home at 4 pm. I don't think overtime is a common thing here in Finland, which is actually good. That means the hubby has more time with their families (well, hopefully they spend that time with their families).

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I must admit, though, that after living here for 2 years, I'm getting used to everything here, so I kinda "forget" what it was like in Indo. Deep down I know how tough it is to live in a culture where working overtime is considered "loyalty", especially if you're high up in the company's ladder.

I know one friend's hubby who worked in Indo who used to go home around 10 pm or even midnight on most days. Sometimes he also had to go to meetings on a Sunday and there was no way he could have said no (and he worked on Saturdays too until 6 pm or even later than that). If he had always come back home on time and he refused to go on meetings, he would probably have gotten sacked right away and there would be MANY others in Indo who would do anything to get his job.

Here in Finland if you work on a Saturday or Sunday, then you'll get even MUCH more money that way...but in Indonesia, I don't think in many companies you'll get a good amount of overtime money (that's IF you get any overtime money at all!). Here in Finland if R2 has done overtime many times, he can take that time to get a short holiday from work, but can Indo people do that? No, Sirrrrrrr...unfortunately not.

Another Indo friend who's now been living in the Netherlands said that people there would think you were weird if you kept on working overtime, since it's just not the culture.

And what about the paid holiday in Finland? In Indonesia I've never heard of such a thing. Plus here in Finland the yearly holiday is MORE than reasonable IMO, because after working full-time in a place for a year, you'll get a some PAID holiday (read the notes section below this paragraph) In Indo, normally a person only gets around 12 days of UNPAID holiday per year.

Notes (I copied it based on Jamppa's comment): Holiday season starts from April and ends in March and you get 2 days for summer holiday per each done month. So if you start work on firm XX on first day on July (e.g 2008), you'll get 18 days holiday on first summer (2009). In this case it starts from July and stops to March. It stops always in March, cause April is first holiday month and in this case next summer holiday is full 2days*12month= 24 days which is full summer holiday (2010).. from April to March.

Other than that, in Indo it's hard to get a long sick leave. Here in Finland I think it's a pretty common and acceptable thing. At least I know one person who took a sick leave for at least 6 months and she still has her job. In Indo, if you're sick for more than a month, I think there's a fat chance that you're going to be able to continue working there.

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I also see a similar trend of cultural differences in terms of education. Since education in Indonesia isn't really standardized, so if you don't go to good schools, it's going to be hard for you to get a good job. Also a friend told me that she felt that the curriculum in many schools in Indo are now too stressful for kids, 'coz they try to teach the kids SO MANY subjects already since a young age. And if you go to a good private school, then you'll get tough homework, as well.

The bad thing about having such a stressful curriculum is that the kids will lose their playtime after school 'coz they must have private or group lessons so that they can catch up with the other kids. I remember that one student of mine used to complain about having to go to many different kinds of private lessons: English, Chinese, Swimming, Math. These type of lessons are sometimes done twice a week for an hour per session, so can you imagine how busy they are?

Here in Finland kids go to school at the age of 7. I once read an article that they want to let kids to play first and enjoy their childhood before they study at a real school. Another friend from my Finnish classes (who goes to a High School here) told me that in her opinion, the education system in Finland isn't too difficult or stressful. I don't know about that, but at least I've never heard of any private tutors here in Finland, unlike those in Indo (private tutors in Indo can earn really good money due to the high demands of them, especially these days as the school curriculum is getting more and more difficult).

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It's very interesting to talk about this topic. One Indo friend (a mother of two kids) once joked to me, "Hey, look at us! We didn't go to any international schools and our monthly school fee was pretty low back then and we only started learning English when we were in Junior High School (as opposed to these days where English is taught in some preschools and most elementary schools) , but don't you think we've turned out quite okay?"

I laughed.

Such is life. To succumb or not to succumb to society's pressure, that is the question. I think it's pretty tough to fight the "mainstream, the-what's-acceptable-according-to-public". But dunno...what do YOU think, readers???

P.S. I find that some of the things that I used to find "common/normal/accepted" have changed ever since I moved to Finland.

Culture Splish Splash

After writing my post on Bandung, Singapore, and Sodankylä, one of the comments reminded me of something else that I've experienced on my trip to Indo and Singapore last October.

First of all, let me tell you our flight schedule:

Rovaniemi - Helsinki - Hong Kong - Jakarta

Jakarta - Singapore - Jakarta

Jakarta - Bangkok - Helsinki - Rovaniemi

Well, on the first leg of journey, once we landed in Hong Kong, we only had about 1,5 hours there, so we didn't have much time to browse around the stores. The minute we arrived at the airport, it felt surreal to see SO MANY Asians and especially to hear Indonesian language being spoken by many passengers boarding to Jakarta. Why? Because I was so used to hearing Finnish all the time during the 1,5 years of my life in Lapland. Arttu kept on joking, "Look, YOUR people!" LOL LOL LOL!!!

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Oh yeah, I also felt the pace of the life changing so drastically when we arrived in Hong Kong. As usual, we had to go through baggage check before we could find the boarding gate to board the plane to Jakarta. There were two baggage check points, but the aisle to queue was so narrow. I stood behind R2 and I noticed that on the other baggage check point there were two people in line already. However, the woman right behind me just couldn't wait to go there, so she said "excuse me" and bumped me a little bit to queue there.

I think I must've been so used to the Finnish mentality (or Lappish mentality?) 'coz right then and there I thought to myself, "Hello? It's not like somebody else is going to STEAL that spot, you know? Especially since the aisle is so narrow. If I were in Finland, those people queuing behind me wouldn't have done such a thing. They would've waited patiently."

Funny thing was that I think if I hadn't lived in Finland, I would've thought that it was a normal thing to do. Why? Because in Indonesia, for example, if you want to go to the toilet in one of the malls, you don't really queue according to who comes first. You just stand in front of one toilet booth and if you're lucky, you'll get in quickly. If not (maybe if the person inside the toilet in front of you is busy making "bananas"), then somebody else who comes later might be able to get in the toilet right in front of her more quickly than you do. And sometimes some people might try to steal your toilet booth, even though they come later than you do!

In Finland, NOTHING like that ever happens! If there are so many people who want to go to the toilet, you'll find a very neat line of people, so whichever toilet booth door is open first, the first person on the queue will go there. So you don't have to "fight for your toilet booth" like in Indo.

Another thing that I had to remind myself and R2 before we landed in Jakarta was TO BE ALERT. We were so used to walking around feeling safe in Lapland and we CAN'T do it in Jakarta or Bandung. We really have to remind ourselves that there are pickpockets out there and some of them are SOOOOO good at what they do that you won't even feel it.

When R2 and I were in Singapore, I found that plenty Chinese there talked to me in Chinese. And I always replied in English, whether or not they would respond in English ha ha ha ha ha...

And on our way back to Finland, when we board the flight to Helsinki, the Thai flight attendant spoke to me in THAI!!! I think she offered me Thai newspaper to read during the flight. I was flabbergasted and speechless for a while until I could finally spoke to her in English, "I don't understand."

This experience reminds me of when I was doing the training at the local tourist info office. It was sometimes DIFFICULT to find out whether or not the tourists were Finnish or not. Sometimes I made the mistake of speaking to them in the wrong language (either Finnish or English).

Funny thing was that my brain was still in "Indonesian language mode" when we were stranded for 10 hours in Bangkok airport. There were a few times when I ALMOST blurted out something in Indonesian. The thing is that Thai people resemble Indonesian people in appearance. PLUS remember that we were still SO sleepy back then, so my brain wasn't working properly.

When we were on board the plane to Helsinki, I was again transported to "Finnish land" as most of the passengers were definitely Finnish. The first and second time I flew to Finland, I didn't experience this kind of thing, since I was still in "Indonesian language and culture mode" all the time, I guess. But it's changed ever since I've lived in Lapland.

Okay, I think that's all about culture splish splash for now. It's been VERY interesting indeed he he he he he...

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Culture Trip

My BIL has confirmed our ticket booking for Saturday's play entitled "Suurenmoista" (it means "splendid" or "magnificent"). It's a comedy written by Peter Quilter (the English title is "Glorious!". This play tells the story of Florence Foster Jenkins, an American "soprano" who can't really sing, yet she truly believes that she's a great singer. Interestingly enough, many people come to watch her sing since it's very funny to watch the "great diva" sings.

If you click on the link, at the bottom of the page you can listen to a short audio clip of her singing. I was surprised when I listened to it. It's VERY clear that she can't sing well he he he he...

This will be my first time watching a play in a theatre. I think the play's going to be interesting, but what will be my challenge is to understand it as it's in FINNISH!!! But I'm looking forward to seeing it! ;-D

The first time I was in a theatre was in Helsinki in 2000 when I saw a ballet show with my Helsinki friend. It was okay, though unfortunately I didn't understand the story he he hehhh...

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Any special plans this weekend, friends? ;-D Btw, THANKS SO MUCH for all your support and kind words about my previous post. :-))))

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
Corrie ten Boom

On Kissing and Culture

I once had an interesting talk with a friend on the subject of kissing. She's a big fan of Korean drama series. She told me that she was watching one particular Korean drama series that really disturbed her. Why? Because in the series, the leading male character kissed the leading female character in such a way that was usually not the "kissing norm" in Asian drama series. You see, usually if there's a kissing scene, then it'll only involve lips and it's just a brief kiss, not a long one. 
 

I told her that the funny thing is that, when we watched Hollywood movies for example and we saw a rather longish hot, passionate kissing scene (or even more than one), we wouldn't feel disturbed by it. She agreed with me and she also started to wonder why he he he...






Even though the art of lovemaking in any country and culture involves many many more "intimate details" than kissing, but still it's rather disturbing in Asia to see some Asians kissing each other "hotly" in movies or even in real life. It does sound funny, doesn't it? But I guess that's what culture does to your mind. Plus in Indonesia, the censorship committee will cut off any kissing scenes (or other "more intimate" scenes) from any movies. If I remember correctly, if a kissing scene is over 3 seconds long, then it'll be cut off.

During the old days, the bride and groom in Indonesia never kissed each other on their wedding day. These days many include "you may kiss the bride" line at church, even though some brides are still shy enough to ask the groom to kiss their forehead instead of their lips. And usually the MC in their wedding party also asks them to share a kiss in front of all the guests. And mind you, the kiss is usually very brief HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...

Psstttt...I also asked Arttu to make it VERY short prior to our wedding ceremony, you know? I just don't want to make the elders feel "disturbed" (or uneasy would be a better term, I guess) he he he he he...After all, we can always have plenty of kisses later on HA HA HA HA HA...

Well, speaking of kisses, I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 'em!!!! LOL LOL LOL!!!  

May you have plenty of sincere, loving kisses in your lifetimeeeeeeeee... 

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Questions

Does culture influence religion in some ways?

Does religion influence culture?

Do they influence each other?

A Traditional Chinese Proposal

Well, since I'm a Chinese descendant, let me tell you something about a traditional Chinese proposal. Unlike the regular "western" proposal where only the guy proposes to the girl (or vice versa 'coz this is a modern world), Chinese people in Indo still follow some Chinese tradition when it comes to proposing.

Normally both families set up a proposal date. The proposal date can be held up to a year before the wedding. Normally the girl would object to being "proposed" like this if they haven't talked about the possibility of getting married sometime next year, as some people consider it "a loss" if the girl's being proposed WAY before there's a possibility of marriage. It's like "being tied up" without any clear future plan (remember the image of the carrot dangling in front of the donkey - not good, right?).

The proposal can be held either at the girl's house or at a restaurant. Usually the guy comes to the girl's house (or the appointed resto) with his parents and some relatives/siblings. The number of people coming to the girl's house (or resto) has to be even (don't ask me why), so it has to be 6, 8, or 10. As number 4 is considered bad luck for Chinese (it represents death), they tend to avoid it.

Well, before the appointed date, the guy has to prepare several things. He and his family have to prepare gifts for the girl and family. Normally they pack the gifts in huge heart-shaped boxes. Again the number of the boxes has to be even, so either 2 or 4 or 6. What do they have to put inside the boxes? Normally even-numbered oranges, apples and they'd scatter some sweets and also packages of traditional Chinese delicacy called "koya". They also have to bring either a necklace and pendant or a bracelet to "seal the deal".

The necklace and pendant or bracelet have to be made of either yellow gold or white gold. The trend nowadays veers more to white gold (it's become more fashionable in Indo for the last few years). Sometimes the girl gets to choose it on her own (if the guy's family allows her to), but sometimes the guy's mother chooses it for her (so that it'd be a surprise).

Here's what happens on the appointed date. The guy comes to the girl's house (or the resto) along with his gang, then they shake hands with the girl's family and the guy gives the boxes to the girl's family (they've appointed the people who'll receive the gifts). Then the gifts will be put on a table so that the girl's family members and relatives can see them clearly. Then before they enjoy the meal (usually the girl's family has prepared the meal or they are the ones who pay the resto bill if the proposal's held at a resto), the guy's Dad would give a short speech to convey their intention of proposing the girl.

After that, the girl's Dad would accept the proposal, and then the guy would put the necklace/bracelet on the girl's neck/wrist. Sometimes the pendant on the necklace consists of Chinese characters that say "luck" or something like that (unfortunately I don't speak or read Chinese) and the girl is supposed to wear the necklace/bracelet all the time to show everybody else that she's "taken".

On that day, sometimes they also talk about the wedding details while enjoying the meal. There they also get to know each other's relatives. When it's all over, the guy's family and relatives would say goodbye and the girl's family would give back half of the boxes to the guy. I used to wonder why, but now I understand the reason. The guy has to give something to the relatives who've been kind enough to go to the girl's house (or the resto), so that's why the girl gives back half of the boxes. Well, if the guy gives the girl 4 boxes, then she'll give back 2 boxes.

To give you a clearer idea of what the proposal's all about, you can view my brother's proposal pics in this site: A Chinese Proposal.

Yeah, go figure. Weird tradition indeed even though I've begun to understand some positive points in doing it. And it doesn't end there yet. There'll be another one of this kind of gift-giving tradition that's usually held not long before the actual wedding. Then the groom has to give lots more things to the girl he he he he...Nowadays people want to have it more compact, so they prefer to combine the two traditions and appoint the date right before the actual wedding (for example a week or a month before the actual wedding).

Anyway, there was one funny incident that happened after my wedding in Indo. One of my uncles asked me this question, "How did Arttu propose you?" I told him that he just asked me if I wanted to be his wife. It was clear that he was baffled he he he...