Two Separate Paths

Time and time again I've felt stumped when people say to me that they'll pray for us to have children or that they hope that we'll get a miracle pregnancy. Even when I've told them that I've considered our family complete, they'd insist, "But you WILL be happy if you get pregnant". I know they mean well, but they just don't understand that this path we've been walking on for the past few years is a separate path than the still-hoping path. There's only one person so far that I've talked to that understands that they're two very separate paths and how getting pregnant means a total redirection of life and the birth of (pun intended) mixed feelings.

You see, even though technically speaking I can still get pregnant as I'm still young enough (though I  never did get pregnant when we were seriously trying), this path we've been walking on is more similar to the path of those people who've had enough kids and the kids are already in Junior High/High School, so their focus in life is totally different. Will they be happy if the wife suddenly gets (miraculously) pregnant? I'm not saying she wouldn't, but it's not going to be the same as when the couple were seriously trying to get pregnant when they were younger (when they felt that their family wasn't complete yet). That's where we are at - well, minus the kids.

We're content. We no longer feel like we're missing something. And believe me, it's not easy to get to this stage when the world won't let us forget how rewarding and fulfilling parenthood can be and how those who are non-parents just don't get it. Just look at how people have judged the non-parents who are in politics, even writers***. I remember years back a famous female writer died and in the comment section of an article on her death and books, some people argued that she wasn't such a good writer because she wasn't a mother. This was one of the things that made me feel that I was seriously lacking something as a woman back then when I was still dying to join the Motherhood Club. The battle with the questions "Am I less than a woman because I'm not a mother? Don't I know what true/conditional love is because I'm not a mother?" was harsh.

In the letter I wrote to my mom almost two years ago when she suddenly started sending me messages about praying for us to have children, I explained to her that those kinds of prayers weren't helpful at all. In fact, it only made me feel like our family wasn't complete and that we were still missing something. Her prayers also made me feel like she was pitying us and it wasn't helpful, either. After all the time and effort it took us to finally reach this point when we're at peace with what we don't have and after all the time and grief work it took us to finally feel whole again as human beings, well-meaning (hopeful) words about a miracle pregnancy don't do us any good.  

What's funny about dealing with people who still insist on praying for us to have children is that they can be defensive when I ask them to pray for something else instead. In my mind, what's the use of praying for something when the person himself/herself isn't even trying to get it and the person himself/herself doesn't even put any efforts to get it? Isn't it absurd? Why is it with people that they keep trying to fix someone else's (assumed) problem when the other party doesn't even feel it is a problem (anymore)? 

Yes, we both have a hole in our hearts due to infertility and childlessness, but other people's prayers/hope for a miracle pregnancy only make us feel as though they were pointing to our hearts and say, "But look, there's a hole in your hearts! I want you to have children so that the hole in your hearts can be filled." What they don't realize is that we don't consider the hole to be something that has to be filled anymore. The hole has shaped us in unique ways and taught us important lessons in life, just like parenthood has shaped and taught parents in different ways. The hole doesn't feel like a curse anymore. In fact, we are now able to be thankful for the lessons given by the hole, and for that, I think other people should be glad for us.

I'm going to end this post with Brene Brown's animation on Empathy. 


*** P.S. I'm well-aware that even parents judge other parents. I suppose as long as there are humans on earth, people (sadly) won't stop judging other people no matter what, but from where I'm standing, sometimes it does feel like parents hold a trump card whenever I read comments like that. After all, how many times have you heard/read people start a sentence with "as a parent" or "as a mom"?

Journey to the Centre of Myself

* I started writing this months ago as a response to a writing challenge, but I'd like to share it with you people here, though I'll try to make it more succinct. 

I think one of the things that most people have trouble with when it comes to a childless-not-by-choice life led by a married couple is this: that they can go from being completely obsessed with wanting to have a child into believing that their family is complete without children. I find that most people in the immediate or extended circle of the couple themselves have a hard time letting go of their ideal image of a family of three or four (or even bigger than that) for those said couples. I remember telling a neighbor once that we were okay just the two of us, but she was absolutely horrified by that and she automatically insisted on praying for us to have children.

Nowadays I can see clearly that their reactions are based on their idealized version of what a family is supposed to be like. This is mingled with the lurking fear that our little family is one of their worst nightmares and they probably shudder and wonder how anyone can lead a happy and fulfilling life without children. However, back in my darker days of infertility journey, I felt really hurt by their reaction because of my own grief/pain. I felt that my family wasn’t complete and that we were missing something, that our family was defective. Their reaction served as a mirror that projected their fear and my own fears right in front of me, making me feel broken and less than ideal.

What helped me start my healing journey was searching for other people like me. I read as many blogs as possible that I could find on infertility, searched for any Christian materials on infertility, searched for as many quotes on grief, read as many articles on infertility, bought some books on infertility and grief in general, searched for Christian songs that could strengthen me, prayed The Serenity Prayer, and asked my friends to pray the same prayer for me, joined a forum, and finally started a blog about it. Some of the books that have helped me along the way are Silent Sorority by Pamela Tsigdinos, A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis, and Secondhand Jesus by Glenn Packiam.

Ironically enough, at that time I couldn’t find too many Christian articles that ended without children in the end (either through natural pregnancy, IVF, adoption, etc.), though I did find a few Christian resources online that also broached on the topic of life without children after infertility. One of the Christian resources I found gave the readers a list of questions to ask, including why one wants to have children. That was the only time I found an online resource that encouraged the readers to think carefully on why they wanted to procreate. Unfortunately I didn’t bookmark the page and I haven’t been able to find it again, but it really threw me off balance and I did ponder on my own motivations to have children. 


I think one of the things that have helped me in thinking of leading a fulfilling life without children is the fact that I have a cousin who did try to have children with her husband, but couldn’t. She’s much older than me and I’ve always accepted them as a family of two. I have never seen them as “less than” any other people, though what happened during my infertility journey was that I struggled with the feeling of “less than” a woman because I wasn’t a mother. Many times over during my infertility journey I cringed and despised any quotes that celebrated a woman’s worth as a mother and the strong bond between a mother and her child(ren). Those quotes were too much for my bleeding heart because they reminded me of what I didn’t have. These days my wounds have stopped bleeding and they’re dried up. However, I know from reading other women’s journeys, those who are way ahead of me, that the scars will get bumped every now and then. They won’t be as painful anymore, but there will be some feelings left because after all, we are surrounded by a lot of reminders of our losses (pregnant women, mothers, children, and grandmothers).

A few years back, after deciding on surrendering to life without children, I felt the need to find something "grand/noble" to fill my life as a result of not having children. I think this stemmed from the fact that many people would automatically say, "You can always adopt" whenever we said we couldn't have children and I have read many people who accused infertiles of being selfish for trying out treatments "when there are so many abandoned children out there". As if one needs to be like Mother Teresa if one wants to have children but can't. So I definitely felt the societal pressure to find something big to do with my life when the baby thing didn't work out, but I never really started searching.

The first things I did in order to move on were:

1. Finding small things that bring me joy and doing things that bring me joy.
2. Tapping into my inner child (in my case I try to build different kinds of snow creations in winter, taking photos, etc.).
3. Writing down the things I've been learning during my infertility journey and re-branding infertility as a guru instead of an enemy and truly believing it.

Only after doing the above and after getting farther away from the rows and rows of buried dreams (after doing grief work for a longer time) did I start getting clues on what I wanted to do. It's not about finding big, grand dreams, but for me it's more about being more focused on what kind of woman I want to become now that I know I won't be a mother.


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I owe Michelle Frost a HUGE thank you for saying these words when I was struggling with what kind of legacy I could leave on earth (because I have no children as my legacy). She said, "Amel, YOU are your own legacy." The words knocked me off my chair. I was wondering why on earth did I ever try to separate myself into different parts/roles. But the truth is that I am the sum of my parts and my legacy to the world should be the entirety of myself, the whole of me, everything that makes me who I am. Her words were like soothing balm to my soul at that time. THANK YOU for knocking me off my chair, M! :-D One's pain can truly blind one so much to one's full potentials.

I find it crucial to believe with all my heart and soul that my pain experience isn't for nothing when it comes to continuing my healing journey. Your pain is not for nothing, either. We are interconnected. Imagine the wealth of wisdom we get to learn from one another's pain experiences. So much fertilizer material everywhere...what has your pain experience taught you? 

Along my healing journey now, I’ve met many inspirational blogger friends as well as other women in Google Plus forums. They’re all childless-not-by-choice, each with a different background story. All these women have helped me dig into my creative side and find fulfillment in my life. I have learnt a lot from them and they have also helped me grow as a human being. I think this healing journey can be very tricky and the progress can be so subtle that unless you realize the tiny shifts, you may feel like you’re not moving forward at all. Writing has helped me a lot in terms of recognizing and recording these tiny celebratory moments.

Speaking of celebrations, last year I started realizing the fact that I needed people who could celebrate these tiny moments. Because of this childless status, it becomes even clearer to me that I’m missing out on so many celebrations that a child can bring: the first word, the first step, the first tooth, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduation, prom night, the child’s wedding party, the birth of the grandchild, etc. More than ever now I feel the need to celebrate the important moments in my life, especially in my healing journey. I can’t tell you how thankful I am to have found other women who can celebrate these moments with me. And my healing journey shall continue! :-)



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Get Over vs Get Through

The other day I found this brilliant quote that I think sums up what I believe in terms of my infertility journey (don't know who wrote the words):

"You won't get over this, but you will get through it."

The phrase "getting over" makes me feel like one needs to put an end to something. Close the book and forget about it already, why bring it up over and over again? I can't believe you're still writing the book and talking/wondering about the details after all this time.

I've never had anyone tell me per se to get over infertility, but I have felt some people getting uneasy about the fact that I keep sharing/talking about infertility-related issues. Probably because it makes them feel awkward and helpless, not necessarily because they don't want to listen to me. 

Just like what Jean Vanier wrote: "As we approach people in pain, they reveal to us our pain and brokenness." - A Rebel for Peace, page 134-135 

I have read several cases where the infertile was told harshly to "get over it" by some people/friends and I know how much it hurt (it would have hurt me greatly if someone had told me such a thing, especially when I was still in so much pain and confusion inside). Being invited to enter a place of pain isn't an easy thing to do - both for the one sending the invitation and the invited guest. Remember The Ring Theory when you're invited to enter someone's place of pain.

I still think it may be possible to get over infertility (specifically childless-not-by-choice) for some rare individuals. I've read several people who wrote that their infertility didn't have any impact on them (or not anymore at the very least). OK, granted I have no idea if they were telling the truth or not because they were just comments I read online below some infertility articles/blog posts, but I'd rather be open to that possibility considering the fact that I've read a similar message more than twice. 

Out of curiosity, I checked out the meanings of "getting through" in an online dictionary and here are two descriptions that I think are suitable for my own journey:

1. Become clear or enter one's consciousness or emotions/to make someone (i.e. myself) understand something.

I have gained much more clarity about myself and I've learnt more about others as well during my infertility journey because I've had to face those jumbled feelings and thoughts and figure out which is which. I've had to stand naked in front of myself and God as well and learn that we're all connected and that we're only humans. I've had to cling to a very thin thread of faith even when my whole being is in a confused and angry state and I've been granted peace beyond understanding as a result of many people's prayers for me.

2. Succeed in reaching a real or abstract destination after overcoming problems. 

The abstract destination is to find meanings to my infertility journey, to feel some serenity in chaos - even if it means we'll never have children. I've found several meanings to my infertility journey so far.

In the beginning of my healing journey, I was frustrated and I was wondering when I could see the end of this healing journey, when I'll get over it. But that has changed. It's been a long while since I've stopped thinking about when I'll get over infertility, because I have consciously chosen not to get over it. Why should I get over it? Infertility has shaped me in many unexpected ways and it has taught me many important lessons and I don't want to forget that I'm an infertile. Besides, I think my infertility journey is beneficial for others, too. And this way I can focus more on the lessons I can/need to learn as I continue my healing journey without the additional burden of having to reach a specific end.

Healing Step-by-Step

The other day I was talking to someone and at the end of our conversation online, she said that she hoped that me and my husband would stay heart-to-heart and hand-in-hand until we became grandma and grandpa. It's very common for people in Indo to say something like this.

I replied, "Thanks for your wish, but because we don't have kids, we'll never become grandma and grandpa. We'll just become old honeymooners HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." ;-D

She replied, "Oh dear goodnessss..." ;-D

Yep, I was in a naughty mood at that time ha ha ha...and no, I didn't feel any pain or grief at all when I wrote my reply he he...I LOVE these light-hearted moments! :-D

 

I think sense of humour is vital in life and I feel that I'm progressing more in my healing journey when I'm able to make jokes about our circumstances. Humour has definitely helped our marriage in so many ways. 

Speaking of humour, I'm reading a book called Bad Karma which is pretty funny he he he...The writer is a man and the main character is a woman who's been turned into an ant because of her bad karma. I bought the book in Finnish, so it's taking a bit more time to read it than reading an English book, but so far it's been pretty entertaining. I've just started reading about her adventures in being an ant he he he he he...

To be honest, I'm simultaneously reading several books at the moment ha ha ha...I'm such a sporadic reader indeed. :-D


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3BT: Random Days

1. Me: "I want my Mother's Day caaaaakkkkeeeee!" (a joke based on Creepshow movie where the dead guy demanded to get his Father's Day cake)
R2: "But you're not a mother."
Me: "Awwww shucks...that hurts..."
R2: "That means you can have your cake every day."
Me: "OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH BRILLIANT idea! I LOVE IT!" :-D

P.S. The words "you're not a mother" didn't hurt me at all. :-D WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!

2. I broke my beloved big mug by accident (that I got for free from a flea market owner), was sad for a few days, then went to one of the flea markets here and found a replacement. It was a little bigger and it only cost €2. Here's a pic of it. YEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!

3. Being in touch with some new friends via FB. :-D

4. Getting an additional work shift on Sunday due to a coworker being sick. It's nice every now and then because it means getting double per hour. :-D

5. Saying the EXACT same word with hubby at the exact same time while watching a movie.

6. A brilliant ninja fight scene at the cliffs in G.I. Joe movie. 
 

An Important Letter

I'm in the middle of composing an important letter in my head. I'm going to transfer it to text later. You see, if you're a regular reader, you've probably known that we've decided to surrender to life without kids. After spending a few years trying to conceive and thinking that family = husband + wife + a kid (a few kids), it took A LOT of energy and a long winding healing process to finally switch to thinking that a complete family = me + hubby. My huge hole in the heart has dried up and we've been content with what we have (read: meaning on most days, we can focus more on what we have and be thankful for what we have instead of the hole in our hearts, though there are tender moments here and there). 

During our infertility journey, I've told my mom succinctly about our decisions and every time she seemed to be supportive. Last summer during our holiday, mom wrote me an SMS saying, "Last year on your birthday I woke up early in the morning and sent a prayer to God so that you'd be pregnant. Instead your SIL got pregnant." 

I was shocked when I read that SMS. I told her about our decision to live life without kids already three years ago and back then she said it was a good decision, but last year she was still praying like that? Mind you, I AM thankful that I have a mother who prays for me, but I find that it's rather useless to pray for someone to get something that the person in question doesn't want anymore (that the person in question doesn't even try to get anymore). What's the use for that? I know that I can't control what she hopes for us and I KNOW damn well she means well, but nevertheless I felt sad and upset when I read her SMS. Why? Because what she thinks will make us happier only makes me feel that what we have right now is not enough.


The world is already so full of reminders of our losses and we need all the support we get to live the kind of life that we've chosen. In the past I had some guilt over the fact that I couldn't give my parents any grandchildren, but I've learnt to get rid of the guilt...but I haven't actually told her about this kind of guilt. I'm planning to tell her about this guilt so that she knows how hard it was. Choosing this path hasn't been easy and I need all the support I can get. If the person saying those words isn't my mom, I won't even consider trying to explain all these to her/him, but because I'm still going to keep in touch with my mom, I need and want her to understand my situation better.

You see, a few weeks ago I was talking to mom on Skype and she told me that a long-distance relative of hers came for a visit. When the auntie saw my wedding photos, she realized that I had married a foreigner, so she asked my mom the usual stuff (where I live etc.)

Auntie: "Does she have kids?"
Mom: "Not yet, because she postponed it and used birth control pills."
Auntie: "Oh yeah, I also know someone who used birth control pills to postpone having children and after that they had trouble conceiving. They finally had a child after four years of trying."

Again I was shocked when I listened to the story. I know that my mom didn't just tell me the story for no reason. So she was more or less blaming me for the use of birth control pills? And does that mean she still hopes for a miracle pregnancy? I'm always thankful to have a mom like my mom and I admire her for many different reasons, but I'm struggling with how to tell her gently about all these things (where do I start, how much should I divulge, etc.?). The reason why I finally thought about writing her all these stuff is because next year we're planning to visit Indonesia and I just don't want to hear these kinds of words coming out of her mouth anymore. These kinds of words don't help us in any way whatsoever.



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OK, change topic...I think this is going to be a very memorable Christmas for me because of many reasons. :-D :-D :-D First of all, the gift I sent to someone who was such a heaven sent years ago was welcomed with open arms. I really love people who can not only give, but also receive with open arms. Secondly, I calculated my budget and I made a last-minute order of extra gift for hubby which I hoped will make him smile. Thirdly, at first we thought it would be such a quiet Christmas with just the two of us, but turned out MIL could still enjoy it with us here, so WHOOOOOOPPPPEEEEE for that! :-D Fourthly, I sent something to someone which again I hope will make that person smile. Last but not least, I'm VERY THANKFUL I have enough budget to do all of the above and that I still have a job despite the tough economy. THANK YOU, Lord, for allowing me to do all these things. 


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Pain Triggers

*cross-posted with my other blog - edited for this blog*

A wise blogger friend of mine gently reminded me that everybody has pain triggers while we were talking about some things via email. This topic brought me back to the conversation I once had with my ex-Junior High School classmate. We got to know each other better over time and then one day, long after we first met she confided to me that she used to be envious of the fact that I had my own bedroom. Mind you, I used to sleep in a bunk bed with my brother for years until I finally moved to a makeshift room at the other side of the house (don't remember when I moved there - must've been when I was around 15 or so). Mom just put on a rail of curtains to separate it with the rest of the room. After my grandma died, I moved to her bedroom and that was when I got my own room that had an actual door (it was when I was in High School - when I was around 17).

Anyway, back to the story...I was totally surprised when I heard her say that. I mean, I never boasted about the fact that I got my own bedroom and I never really felt that it was anything too special, but for her at that time it must've been something pretty important and something she could only daydream about (FYI she had to share a room with a cousin for years). After all, it IS nice to be able to have your own space and be able to have your own privacy. And her words reminded me to be thankful about having my own bedroom and not to take it for granted.

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So, even though sometimes we don't say anything that may spark someone else's pain trigger, somebody else may feel the pain just because it's something out of reach that they've daydreamed about. Sometimes when other people state their thankfulness over something, it may also spark our pain triggers when the thing that they're thankful for is something that we don't have (either yet or can't have).

I think it's just normal to feel that way, but when I try to think of this in a HUGE scale for every human being I meet online or offline, it feels like I start seeing landmines everywhere. There's NO WAY you'll be able to escape from inadvertently stepping on those landmines in your daily life, especially nowadays when it's easier to communicate with one another through the internet (read: share photos etc.) and there's no way you can avoid having your landmines stepped on, either. The only thing I want to do is recognize that place of pain and then embrace it, soothe it, love it, hug it until I feel better.

To be honest, the first time we realized we were IFers, I think I must've thought IF was a kind of insolent uninvited stranger barging into our life (additional side note: actually maybe at first I felt the stranger was bringing a curse or a punishment for us). After a while, I started to think of it as my enemy. An enemy who tried to ransack my relationships with other people as well as hubby and then mockingly laughed at our wrecked state. I battled it with all my might, trying my best not to lose (my sanity, control over my emotions, etc.). But alas, it was WAY too strong for me. I wept buckets, bled inside, and cursed it, but after a while I surrendered and that was when I started healing. And I think after I started recognizing it as a kind of guru instead of an enemy, I've been walking further along this path of healing even more as time goes by (it's like I'm experiencing a different shift in this path of healing).

Anyway, let me end this post with some quotes.

Lord, help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you.

- Mother Teresa, A Gift for God

Adversity introduces one to oneself. - Unknown

"I walked a mile with Pleasure
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me."

- Robert Browning Hamilton

Quotes taken from here and here