3BT: Random Days

1. Me: "Am I good?"
Hubby: "Yep."
Me: "Am I bad?"
Hubby: "Yep."
Me: "So what am I then?"
Hubby: "Perfect." 
Me: SUPER WIDE GRIN HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHH...(didn't expect him to say that at all, making it all the more sweet!) 2. Feeling like I am a very funny person when I'm with hubby. In the outside world, I don't feel that I'm this funny.

3. We watched Despicable Me 1 and 2 and then hubby said that Agnes reminded him of me in some ways HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Now every time I do something that reminds us of Agnes, we both grin at each other LOL LOL!!!

4. Watching this beautiful performance. I can't believe the cyr wheel feels like the extension of her body. AMAZING!!!


5. Reading this article: Confronting The Lie: God Won't Give You More Than You Can Handle.

6. This beautiful quote:

At some of the darkest moments in my life, some people I thought of as friends deserted me - some because they cared about me and it hurt them to see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability, and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their discomfort and came to sit with me. If they had not words to make me feel better, they sat in silence (much better than saying, "You'll get over it," or "It's not so bad; others have it worse") and I loved them for it.

- Harold Kushner, Living a Life that Matters

7. Finding these quotes:

Happy New Year, people! Wishing you all a year filled with all the things you need and some nice extra surprises along the way he he...

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Wet Christmas + Letter Update

I worked on Christmas eve and after that we went to get MIL and then we went to the graveyard. The temperature was still below zero that day (but not too cold), so Winter Wonderland was still intact. We lit some candles in front of FIL's graves and MIL brought some leaves to decorate it. Here are some pictures taken in the new cemetery and the old cemetery. There were lots of people and there were already so many candles everywhere. 

 

Christmas Day was really wet. Until today the temperature has been above 0'C, so it's been really slippery and wet out there. What a weird end of the year! So much of the snow has melted away and it gets SO dark outside. If the weather prediction is right, the temperature will be below zero again only after New Year. We shall see about that. This is my first time experiencing December like this (including some watery rain). Usually at this time of the year there's at least as much snow as in the photos above.

Anyway, I had a funny story from work. I had an evening shift on 23rd and before work started, I had told myself to remember saying "Hyvää Joulua" (Merry Christmas) at the end of each transaction. OK, so everything went well for a few hours until one time I was serving a guy and after that I said, "Kiitos (thank you)" but instead of saying Merry Christmas, I said "Hyvää viikonloppua" (Have a good weekend) instead. Yep, I managed to wish someone a good weekend on a MONDAY!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Well, at least my mistake managed to make the guy and the customer behind him smile. LOL LOL!!! 

Anyway, I had fun again tricking hubby with the Christmas gift. This time I wrapped one of the gifts three times with some wrapping paper (it wasn't a big gift, so I didn't have to use too much paper) and then I wrapped it with some bubble wrap and then I put it inside a bigger box along with the other gift and then I wrapped it with some wrapping paper again. Watching him struggle to be able to see what was inside the gift was WORTH IT! WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :-D :-D :-D

In this post I'd also like to say that I've finally written down the letter for my mom. It was bittersweet to write. I ended up writing a 4-page MS Word document (plus one paragraph on the 5th page with font size 12 Times New Roman). I know it's going to be overwhelming for her to read, but I want her to know what we've been through because I hope that she'll take comfort in the knowledge that God has healed our bleeding wounds and dried them up and He has used our pains to comfort others in a similar situation. So PRAISE THE LORD for our infertility!!! 

I haven't heard anything from my mom yet, but I know she needs time to digest everything and calm herself down (bro said that she was crying after reading the letter). Bro helped me explain to her what kind of support I needed from her - bless him! I've sent her a text to let her know that she's appreciated and loved. I hated the fact that I had to send the letter (I thought about it for weeks before finally writing it down), but I feel that it's important for us both that she knows how far we've come. I want her to be released from the burden of thinking and praying for our miracle pregnancy, because that's not what we want anymore. We've buried that dream and I want her to do the same. I want her to be happy for our little family.

Merry Christmas 2013!

Just wishing you a beautiful and blessed Christmas...hope that those who are feeling lonely and hurting will find some comfort and love this Christmas season...

Enjoy these songs!


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An Important Letter

I'm in the middle of composing an important letter in my head. I'm going to transfer it to text later. You see, if you're a regular reader, you've probably known that we've decided to surrender to life without kids. After spending a few years trying to conceive and thinking that family = husband + wife + a kid (a few kids), it took A LOT of energy and a long winding healing process to finally switch to thinking that a complete family = me + hubby. My huge hole in the heart has dried up and we've been content with what we have (read: meaning on most days, we can focus more on what we have and be thankful for what we have instead of the hole in our hearts, though there are tender moments here and there). 

During our infertility journey, I've told my mom succinctly about our decisions and every time she seemed to be supportive. Last summer during our holiday, mom wrote me an SMS saying, "Last year on your birthday I woke up early in the morning and sent a prayer to God so that you'd be pregnant. Instead your SIL got pregnant." 

I was shocked when I read that SMS. I told her about our decision to live life without kids already three years ago and back then she said it was a good decision, but last year she was still praying like that? Mind you, I AM thankful that I have a mother who prays for me, but I find that it's rather useless to pray for someone to get something that the person in question doesn't want anymore (that the person in question doesn't even try to get anymore). What's the use for that? I know that I can't control what she hopes for us and I KNOW damn well she means well, but nevertheless I felt sad and upset when I read her SMS. Why? Because what she thinks will make us happier only makes me feel that what we have right now is not enough.


The world is already so full of reminders of our losses and we need all the support we get to live the kind of life that we've chosen. In the past I had some guilt over the fact that I couldn't give my parents any grandchildren, but I've learnt to get rid of the guilt...but I haven't actually told her about this kind of guilt. I'm planning to tell her about this guilt so that she knows how hard it was. Choosing this path hasn't been easy and I need all the support I can get. If the person saying those words isn't my mom, I won't even consider trying to explain all these to her/him, but because I'm still going to keep in touch with my mom, I need and want her to understand my situation better.

You see, a few weeks ago I was talking to mom on Skype and she told me that a long-distance relative of hers came for a visit. When the auntie saw my wedding photos, she realized that I had married a foreigner, so she asked my mom the usual stuff (where I live etc.)

Auntie: "Does she have kids?"
Mom: "Not yet, because she postponed it and used birth control pills."
Auntie: "Oh yeah, I also know someone who used birth control pills to postpone having children and after that they had trouble conceiving. They finally had a child after four years of trying."

Again I was shocked when I listened to the story. I know that my mom didn't just tell me the story for no reason. So she was more or less blaming me for the use of birth control pills? And does that mean she still hopes for a miracle pregnancy? I'm always thankful to have a mom like my mom and I admire her for many different reasons, but I'm struggling with how to tell her gently about all these things (where do I start, how much should I divulge, etc.?). The reason why I finally thought about writing her all these stuff is because next year we're planning to visit Indonesia and I just don't want to hear these kinds of words coming out of her mouth anymore. These kinds of words don't help us in any way whatsoever.



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OK, change topic...I think this is going to be a very memorable Christmas for me because of many reasons. :-D :-D :-D First of all, the gift I sent to someone who was such a heaven sent years ago was welcomed with open arms. I really love people who can not only give, but also receive with open arms. Secondly, I calculated my budget and I made a last-minute order of extra gift for hubby which I hoped will make him smile. Thirdly, at first we thought it would be such a quiet Christmas with just the two of us, but turned out MIL could still enjoy it with us here, so WHOOOOOOPPPPEEEEE for that! :-D Fourthly, I sent something to someone which again I hope will make that person smile. Last but not least, I'm VERY THANKFUL I have enough budget to do all of the above and that I still have a job despite the tough economy. THANK YOU, Lord, for allowing me to do all these things. 


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3BT: Random Days

1. This year I've finally managed to return the favor to someone who generously helped me years back. It feels good to finally have a chance to show my appreciation to that person. WOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!

2. Receiving these lovely belated birthday gifts from MIL. I was SOOOOOO touched when I got them yesterday. The one written in Finnish means: "Thank you for listening and caring, for giving and sharing, and for being always near." And she especially chose the blue angel because she knows that blue is my fave colour. BLESS HER!!! She's an angel herself!

3. The excitement of waiting for some Christmas gifts to arrive. I've ordered myself a book ha ha ha a ha...Who says you can only give somebody else a gift? LOL!!!

4. Coming back home from work at night and realizing that hubby had put up some Christmas lights here and there (no Christmas tree, just the lights). It certainly created a more festive atmosphere amidst the whiteness of the snow and the darkness of winter! LOVE it! :-D

5. In the beginning MIL was supposed to be away during Christmas, but the plan was cancelled. I feel bad that the plan was cancelled, but I'm glad that we'll have MIL with us again on Christmas. Christmas without her feels weird. 

6. Today I managed to spook hubby when he came back home from work. Because it was so dark outside already, it was easy for me to hide behind the front door (actually I crouched next to it) and then jumped at him BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH...:-D

7. Reading this inspiring list: 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do.   

8. Watching this video clip below:

A Freezing Day

Today the temperature went down to around -32'C in the morning. It's gone a little bit up now (around -29'C). For some reason I've been wanting to walk more than riding my bike lately and I was really psyched today to walk to a friend's place that was around 3.5 km away from my place. It sure was cold, but I had bundled myself up pretty well and I wore the longest winter jacket that I had, so it wasn't so bad (just my cheeks felt frozen and my nose kept on running). Then after that I walked downtown to send some Christmas postcards and walked back home. So in total I walked for about 6 km today. WOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!! :-D

Had fun chit-chatting with my friend and catching up on our lives. :-D Another friend couldn't come because her car refused to start. The friend whom I visited also had trouble starting up her car this morning. It was just too cold, I suppose. 

On Saturday I walked to MIL's place and it was around -20'C. I brought my camera with me just in case. Here are some of the pics I took on the way to MIL's place. The bicycle in the first pic is at the edge of a frozen river.

Frozen Kitinen river:

The photo below is the pedestrian walkway leading towards the bridge. The frozen river is on the right side of the picture.

When I was walking across the bridge, I looked up and noticed these birds he he he he...

On Saturday the temperature went down to -23'C when I walked back home. Today the sky was more pink than in the photos above, but I didn't bring my camera with me. Besides, when it's so cold outside, it's so hard to press the button to take pictures because your fingers are freezing - either that or you wear such thick gloves that make it hard to press the button to take a pic ha ha ha...

3BT: Random Days

1. Had fun at the pre-Christmas party with my coworkers. We rented a fired wood hot tub and I enjoyed soaking myself in the tub in the yard, though couldn't stay in the tub too long because the water temperature was 40'C he he he...Here's a pic of the tub:

2. Even though I was lousy at playing Alias with some of my coworkers, we laughed so much that my cheeks were so sore. :-D 

3. The party organizers were thoughtful enough to know that I wouldn't drink wine, so they bought me some juice and soda. :-D BLESS THEM!!!

4. Cooking and eating seafood while hubby's away from home, so nobody complains about the fishy smell LOL!!!!

5. I made some berry pudding and rummy sauce and was wondering how on earth I could bring them to work because it was kinda heavy, but thankfully hubby was able to give me a lift. :-D And glad to know my coworkers liked it. :-D


6. I've bought our own Christmas ham for the first time. Hopefully we'll be able to cook it ourselves without making it too dry. It's gonna be interesting because we've never prepared it ourselves ha ha ha ha ha ha...

7. Watching this video:

Who In Fiction Are You?

I found this funny test through a friend's FB and I tried it and I got this result (confirming what I had just realized about myself):

You are Jane Eyre:

To understand you is to love you. As a deep thinking, passionate yet quiet soul you may be more comfortable expressing your ideas, and ideals, through the written word rather than verbally. Lost in dreams, you may appear distant and undemonstrative to some, but when people get to know you, they discover a warm and kind friend.

Jane describes herself as "poor, obscure, plain and little" and you may be your own harshest critic. Despite your quiet nature, and discomfort with conflict, you will find your voice, and stand up for causes you feel passionate about.

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Why don't you try it as well and let me know your result? :-D I think my result suits me, especially the part that I highlighted. :-D Here's the link:

Who In Fiction Are You?