I don't know about your lives, but I'm going to tell you how life's made me learn balance in some ways. It's by swaying from one extreme to another. Yep. I wanna know if anyone else has ever experienced something like this. Let me explain it more detailed manner then.
I was not only born a planner (temperamentally), but I also have parents who taught me how to plan things well, so planning has been deeply rooted in my blood. One close friend was once shocked at how my planner brain worked. She said it was scary that I could plan things that way (too many details, she said). So you can say that I was quite extreme regarding this matter.
However, once I moved to Finland, I was forced NOT to plan ANYTHING at all. When I moved to Finland, I was jobless and I didn't even know when a full-time Finnish course was going to happen. All I could do was enjoy the moment, make the best of my time, and hope for the best. Granted it was forced by life on me, but still I made quite a huge sway from the first extreme to another.
Now that I've been in both sides and now that life seems to be going back to its normal course (I can speak the language and I've got a part-time job), I get to make some short-term, general plans but I also don't want to lose the joy of the moment. In the past, I used to feel that I had one leg over my future realm so my focus on the present moment was half blurry. Now I don't want to lose the joys of the moments, so I think I'll try to keep steady in having the balance between the present and the future.
Another experience like this happens on being open to others. I used to be so introverted and I kept everything inside, even when it came to my closest friends. Then along the years someone taught me the joy of being open to others, but I took it to the extreme. I shared too many details with my closest friends, even though on hindsight some of them weren't ready to know that much. Not everybody is ready to hear the truth at its rawest level, so now before I become too open to people, I have to think of the listeners as well and the state of their readiness.
My brain must've been fried or something ha ha...it's just been too empty to write too much in this blog. Anyway, I've come to some realizations lately.
1. Either at the end of 1998 or the beginning of 1999, R2 and I first got to know each other through emails. Let's just say that it's the beginning of 1999. That means that this month is our 10th anniversary!!! COOL!!! It doesn't feel THAT long, though, especially since we were so far apart for over 8 years out of the 10 years...but still I'm SO GLAD that we met online!!! ;-D
2. Both my MIL and my mother have the same habit: doodling while talking on the phone. Either they create an abstract drawing or some type of drawing or just writing something, that's what they do. It's kinda cute.
Why? Because my MIL reminds me A LOT of my Mom. They're both the same height (more or less) and they LOVE flowers. They both LOVE feeding and cooking for their family. And they're both dealing with husbands that have some memory problems.
3. The more I learn about people, the more confused I become, the more questions coming out of my mind. And I also realize how VERY LIMITED our points of view are. Plus I realize how easy for us to say A, B, C about other people whereas we may as well have those A, B, C inside us.
4. After all this time, balance in life is one of the TOUGHEST lessons to learn. Phew!!!
1. I don't understand people who bully other people. Even though there were definitely groups in the schools where I went to in Bandung, there were never any bullies there. I've heard that bullies are the products of their parents' upbringing as well, but still I just don't understand people who bully other people in front of everybody to make themselves feel better, bigger, bolder, braver, etc.
Yes, I've seen plenty of bullies in Hollywood movies, but it still doesn't penetrate the grey cells in my brain. Or maybe it's because I live in a country where it's better to talk about somebody behind his/her back instead of face-to-face or in public places. After all, most people who are brought up in Indonesia aren't taught to speak up in the classroom. False humility is one of the things that is cultivated in Indonesia. At least that's what I think.
2. In pursuit of becoming wiser, faster, better, more knowledgeable, more skillful, I find that it has to be balanced with the ability to accept oneself despite oneself, despite the fact that you're NOT THERE YET. Otherwise you'll never feel that you're enough.
I know it's GOOD that humans have the drive to be wiser, faster, better, more knowledgeable, more skillful, but then again, if they can't accept themselves, what good would all those knowledge and skills be?
Over and over again learning balance has proven to be one of the most difficult, yet essential things on earth.
3. I think one of the toughest things about being parents is the feeling that you're not good enough. A friend of mine recently experienced such feelings since she read a book and she couldn't do what the book said. I think it's tough to know the best way to take care of your babies when they're still too young to speak, especially if it's your first baby and you don't have much help. When you lack too much sleep, it's SO easy to think negatively and to be stressful.
4. I was SO curious about seeing actual labour that I decided to look up some videos at youtube and I found that all of them were...BEAUTIFUL!!! ;-D Hubby shuddered when I told him about this, though HUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Ahem!!!
5. Before I moved to Finland, I had read other expats' experiences in Finland Forum. Half of them complained about the weather and the long dark period. I had prepared myself for the worst when I moved to Finland, especially about the long dark period. However, I find that it's not that bad. It's actually enjoyable for a sleepyhead like me, since when it's dark outside, I don't have to close the curtain or blinds in order to take a nap. Besides, since there's plenty of snow for months, it doesn't really get THAT dark here in Finland. ;-D
Life has been WONDERFUL to me................
One friend who got married years ahead of me told me that married life and dating life were two very different things. Before getting married, I also read some books on the topic and most of them warned the couples NOT to expect differences in the spouse's habits after they get married.
When I began to live together with my hubby, I wasn't surprised about his habits since I had known already his daily habits. What made me confused was knowing what he expected from me. I didn't know what kind of a wife he expected. Had he been an Indonesian guy, I would have probably known more or less what type of wife he had expected, but he's not an Indonesian guy.
So the first few weeks I was struggling to find out whether what I had done would be enough for him. I wanted to make sure I was okay in every aspect of our married life. I asked him directly after some time whether he had any complaints about me and I still keep this habit until now. I want to be the first to know if there's "trouble in paradise". I don't want to hear about this from someone else. My Brit friend MC told me that many men had complained to her about their wives and I DO NOT want my hubby to do such a thing. If there's "trouble in paradise", I want us to talk about it and solve it right away.
Another test for us upon entering married life was trust in our financial affairs. You see, hubby has two kinds of savings account: the regular one and the one with a higher interest. The one with the higher interest is the type of savings that can only be withdrawn maximum twice a year. If you have to withdraw more than twice a year from that account, then you'll be penalized by the bank.
Well, since I brought some savings from Indonesia, I wanted to keep them in two separate accounts. I told hubby that it'd be better if I keep a large amount of my savings in his account with a higher interest so that both of us can get bigger interest since we'll be putting a larger amount of money there. Then I also wanted to open my own account in which I put a small amount of money for practical uses.
At first hubby was a bit worried he he he he he...but in the end he decided that my idea was better. So we both have access to the account with a higher interest, whereas each of us has our own savings account for practical uses.
Another bit of trouble upon entering married life was that I wanted hubby to commit himself to save a certain amount of money per month (after he got a steady job, not beforehand). It didn't matter how much or how little it was as long as he could keep on saving every month. I asked him to think about it and choose the amount himself. I told him that I didn't care how he spent the rest of his salary, but I just wanted him to save some money per month. At first he kept on saying, "We'll see, we'll see."
At first I was a bit annoyed when hearing that since I wanted a straight answer. But now I've learnt that it meant that I should let him do it on his own terms and pace. It didn't mean that he wasn't listening to me or that he didn't like my idea or that he didn't want to commit himself.
In a way, it was also a trust test for me. I had to learn to trust him to do everything on his own terms and pace and not nag, nag, nag. I seriously had to control myself so that I wouldn't keep on asking him whether he had saved money that month or not. These days I don't need to remind him anymore (I only reminded him for the first month after he got a job), since I can check it up myself in the joined account. And I'm pleased to say that he's still saving money to that joined account almost every month.
Marriage is definitely a test of character. I'm more of a planner, whereas he's more of a "carpe diem" sort of guy. Whenever I try to make plans that are too far away in the future, he'll say, "We'll see" or even "I can't plan that far ahead". It's also good for me 'coz he's helped me learn to enjoy the moment more than before and his character balances out that planner side in me. After all, no matter how many plans you have and how wonderful your plans are, there's always a possibility of their not working out as you hope. Life is totally unpredictable anyway and balance is the key!
Well, this is just my ramblings upon entering married life he he he...It just occured to me the other day that I hadn't really talked about this in my blog he he he...OK, I'm going to blog-hop now!!!
I decided to write this list since it's near the end of this year. I just wanna remind myself of the lessons I've learnt and re-learnt this year. There are new lessons and old lessons learnt once more. I may update this list later on, but so far here is the list I've compiled. Before I start, I'd also LOVE to know the lessons you've learnt or re-learnt this year. I wanna learn from all of you. ;-D
1. Letting Go.
This has not been an easy lesson for me. I tend to hold people too tightly in my arms and I expect much from the closest ones. I have learnt and re-learnt this lesson lots of times this year. Besides my expectations from those people closest to me, I've also learnt to let go of my past: my job, my hometown, my friends, my family, and everything else I have left behind that I can't possibly have here. I'm pretty sure that there will be plenty of other lessons on letting go, though. ;-D
2. God truly has a magical way of opening "unexpected" and "unseen" doors for me. It's truly amazing to see His plans unfolding bit by bit, one step at a time, in my life. Thank you, Lord!!!
3. Loving myself despite myself. This is one lesson I should learn all the days in my life, but since I left my job and everything behind, I have learnt more lessons on loving myself.
4. The benefits of networking. In my "previous" life, I used to rely on other people's network instead of building my own network. Only after I moved to Finland do I have these MANY friends. I feel SO blessed!!!!
5. Being proactive ---> this is related to #4. If I didn't become proactive (blogging and building network), I think I would be TOTALLY depressed right now: no friends, no possibility of getting some income online, no nothing.
6. The joys of being a wife and having a new family plus the joy of cooking and baking. Honestly speaking, on the plane to Finland, I freaked out. The "what ifs" came barging into my head and my mind started thinking of "worst case scenarios". Gladly everything has been MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH more WONDERFUL than even my most positive thoughts!!! HIP HIP HURRAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!! And I never thought I'd love cooking and baking this much. *tee-hee*
Well, having a hubby who eats everything I cook no matter how bad it looks and who always comforts me whenever I make mistakes DOES help TREMENDOUSLY in making me enjoy everything here. ;-D
7. The prices I have to pay for pursuing my dream. Being far away from my parents and brother is one of them. It's toughest when one of them gets sick or when one of them has some inner problem and I can't be there for them physically. It's also tough when I can't be there on special occasions like my brother's wedding, but I've gotta pay the price no matter what!
8. Not complaining. One of my first resolutions when I moved to Finland was to catch myself before I started complaining. So far I think I've done a great job in this area. However, I must be wary all the time. :-))))
9. Not taking things too seriously. This is another one of my first resolutions when I moved to Finland. It is HARD for me to do this since all my life I had been such a sensitive person, but honestly speaking, my hubby has helped me A LOT in this department with his easy-going personality. ;-D
10. Learning to accept that my mistakes don't make me and learning to laugh at myself whenever I make mistakes. Learning to laugh at myself hasn't been easy for me. Funny thing is that the first time I managed to do it was only after I moved to Finland. So moving to Finland has been GOOD for me! HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...
11. Joy is found in precious fleeting moments that oftentimes go unnoticed. I have to be really alert in order to be able to cherish those moments.
12. One of humans' greatest weaknesses is to take things for granted. I'm learning not to take things for granted and to be thankful all the time. I have to remind myself about this over and over again.
13. Live as though I'd die tomorrow, plan as though I'd live forever. I'm trying to follow this adage so that my life is balanced and I can enjoy today as much as I love planning for the future.
14. It's definitely NOT easy at all to practice what you preach.
15. Learning to relight and feed my inner child. I've been wacky and crazy in front of my hubby and it feels OHHHHH SOOOOO GOOOODDDD!!!! Plus I also awaken his inner child, so both of us are sometimes like little kids goofing around he he he he...
16. The danger of being too focused on money. I can be consumed with the ambition of saving more and more money that I lose focus on the MOST important things in life that money can't buy.
17. Dressing up in layers is the best tactic for the worst kind of weather and human body loses heat the fastest through their heads, so I have to make sure I put on a warm cap whenever it's so cold outside.
18. I learn that being me is enough and that I'm where I'm supposed to be.
P.S. Don't forget to check on my Plumper Snowman pics here.
The other day I read a devotional online and I found something surprising. At least for me. It reminded us to live our days as though we would die tomorrow. The article said that if we truly think that way, we'd definitely forgive more easily.
Hmmm...that made me think...I know that we've all read something like this before in our lifetime, but do we REALLY ever think that tomorrow we'll be gone? If we REALLY think that we'll die tomorrow, will we forgive (other people and ourselves) more easily? Will we tell our loved ones how much they mean to us? Will we truly embrace the present? Will we shift our focus to the MOST important things in life instead of the urgent matters? Will we begin to appreciate the things we've taken for granted in a fresher perspective? Will it be easier for us to let go of our grudges if we only have today? Will we be able to count our blessings even better that way?
If we REALLY think we'll die tomorrow, I wonder what we'll do or think. Maybe some of you who've undergone near death experiences (or who have ever been diagnosed with a serious enough illness) can share their thoughts better than I can on this topic. To those people who're reading this post, you're welcome to share your experiences.
In this post I just want to say that balance is again the hardest lesson to learn in life. Balance between TRULY cherishing what we've got today (by thinking that we may cease to exist tomorrow) and planning for our future (saving and making viable plans to reach our goals and working on the plans step by step). Balance between TRULY embracing the present and remembering that the new generation will continue their life journeys, so we'd better leave a solid legacy for them.
I personally think life would be better if each of us remember how imminent death is as it'd change our perspective in life. May I remember this lesson and may God help me balance my life in every aspect.
1. Is it better not to know and keep your peace of mind or is it better to know yet be challenged with choices that might ransack your peace of mind?Perhaps it's better to follow the steps in life without trying to jump over a lesson or two to make sure you're equipped enough to deal with the "tougher" lessons.2. On The Future.I used to be a hell of a planner. I planned every little thing. I LOVED it SO MUCH so that I became so inflexible (I think I'm still somewhat inflexible anyway). I HATE changes. Nevertheless, life's forced me to learn to enjoy the present and let go of my tight clutch on my future plans. I still have some plans for my future, but I learn that it's OK to enjoy the present without worrying about and focusing on my future too much. After all, I can die the next minute or the next hour.
Balancing everything in life is one of the hardest lessons on earth, but one can only try one's best. So let me end this post with more quotes on the future, taken from Future Quotes:"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.”
- Dale Carnegie
“Whatever your past has been, you have a spotless future.”
- Melanie Gustafson
“A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past; he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.”
- Sydney J. Harri
"I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's where the fun is."
- Donald Trump
I have 6 closest friends whom I consider to be those people I "grew up with", since we went through teenage years together. Those years when we experimented and when we tried to find ourselves and our places in life. Those years when we rebelled and built our self-confidence. I've been friends with them for about 15 years (the oldest ones) up to around 10 years (the newest ones). One of their husbands said that he was amazed that we still kept in touch up to now as he hadn't kept in touch with any friends from Junior High School or High School. An Aussie friend of mine who once visited me in Bandung said that we were an interesting bunch as we were SO totally different with one another. Yep, interesting indeed!!!
Up to university, I think we could still understand one another pretty well. I mean, what else could there be to talk about in our lives back then? We were still university students. We only had to deal with exams, courses, exams, and nothing else (back then most of us had no boyfriends yet). We still headed towards a similar direction: graduation and then workplace. Once we started having full-time jobs and then we started having boyfriends and then husbands, everything shifted bit by bit. I began to feel that it got harder and harder to TRULY understand one another since we had less and less time to talk (some of them moved to different cities/countries).
One of them recently asked me why I seemed to be SO burdened to understand them fully. Well, I guess it's just who I am. I crave to understand people fully (sometimes I think I want to understand them better than they understand themselves - it makes me giddy with excitement - but maybe this is one of my craziest sides) and I crave to be understood. However, I've tried to lower my expectations ever since I realize that they're no longer able to spend that much time and energy to understand me fully. But I still have the silent wish to be able to understand them better and better. I think one reason is that I want to know what to say to them. I want to know how I can support them best. I want to know that when I respond to them, I'm not going to pick the wrong words. I know how futile my effort is, though. Saying or doing the wrong thing is inevitable. But one can hope, can't one? ;-D
Anyway, nowadays I feel that we're going to TOTALLY different directions. It makes me slightly more careful in responding to their emails. I have to think twice about what to say to them as I don't want them to think that I'm undermining their situation or patronizing them or being offensive or judgmental. Different priorities force me to stop to think and try to put myself in their shoes before blurting out something that might hurt or offend them. For example: if a friend of yours thinks that a "book" is SO important and then he/she tells you about it in detail and it seems the "book" dominates his/her world so much, but you think it's full of crap, you wouldn't say to to his/her face, would you? Naturally you would want to support your friend, even though it's not easy to find the balance between being true to yourself and being honest to other people versus being an understanding, loving, caring, supportive person.
I guess this is just what life is. It gets harder to understand and support other people when they're going to the opposite directions. It gets harder to support other people's choices when they're so opposite yours. It takes self-control to shut up when you know that what you think is best for them might not be viewed as such by them.
Again I hope God will grant me enough discernment to know when to speak and to be silent. I hope God will grant me enough wisdom to know the balance in life in everything I do, day by day, one step at a time.
