Baby Steps

Written on April 4, 2007 - I decided to put this also in this site as it may struck a chord with someone out there who's experiencing a similar situation.

If you think I'm going to talk about real babies, then stop reading this blog immediately 'coz I'm gonna talk about figurative baby steps. I've been here for 3 weeks and so far I'm still trying to learn VERY SLOWLY. It feels a bit as though I were reborn again. Different country, weather, customs, language, EVERYTHING!

It's scary to think that if my hubby's gone (for any kind of reason) now or soon, I'll basically be drowned in "deep shit". After being a somewhat independent woman back in Indo for years, the feeling of being dependent on my hubby for MANY things is not a much-welcomed one. I know it can't be helped, yet I'm still trying to learn to get used to it.

Other than that, I have to learn to embrace my weaknesses. There have been SO many STUPID mistakes that I made in the past 3 weeks (correction: in JUST 3 weeks!). Gladly my hubby's always been understanding enough. However, that doesn't change the way I feel about myself. I try not to succumb to my extreme "dark" ends, 'coz I know I have to cut myself some slack (otherwise I'm DOOMED!). Let me tell you, feeling like a small child (and a stupid one, too, 'coz I'm not really a child), can be numbing. I DO NOT want to be numb. I DO NOT want to be bitter. I DO NOT want to compare myself to others, especially NOW that I have nothing to be proud of. (side note: Well, in most cases, I shouldn't compare myself with anyone anyway, as it can be "lethal")

What makes you feel proud of yourself? Your family? Wealth? House? Achievements? Kids? It seems that all our lives we're driven to achieve, achieve, and achieve in order to feel worthy. Well, right now I have nothing much to be proud of myself, but I WILL NOT let it get in the way of preserving my own self-worth. I am worthy simply because I was born into this world. I am worthy simply because I am alive (and still entrusted with the gift of life). I have to keep repeating those sentences in my head every day to keep me sane. I've also been listening to gospel songs to refresh my spirit and be strengthened (Thank GOD for ADSL connection!!!).

I'm writing this blog with the hope that if someone out there is experiencing a similar situation, he or she knows that he or she is not alone. I haven't really had a bad day, actually. It's just that maybe I'm a bit of a control freak. I dislike situations where I'm helpless. However, I'm trying to learn to enjoy every bit of it. Sure there may be tears (of frustration or condemnation), yet I'll keep in mind God's whisper of hope for me to keep me going strong.

Baby steps...right now I can only do baby steps. I hope God'll give both of us patience, understanding, and wisdom as I start walking with baby steps and hopefully gain more confidence as time goes by. I should learn to see this world again from a child's point of view...with wonder and curiosity and zest to learn more and more and more things.

Now let me just send this prayer to heaven...

God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change...
COURAGE to change the things I can...
And WISDOM to know the difference...