Thursday, May 24, 2007


Evil is in me
The most devastating kind

It knows all my weaknesses
So it prods each and every one of them

With the most debilitating spear


And over

God, it hurts so badly!

I let all my voices have a debate
Until it's high time for me to heal again.


Wanna hear the voice of evil inside me? Here of my darkest moments...

Ever try to do something well and then when you see other people's work, you get SO discouraged 'coz their result is so out of your league? You realize that you're only a beginner, a novice. There are times when it seems that what you're doing doesn't really matter, at least that's the accusation brought by your own mind. Then other negative thoughts start to shout at you, louder and louder. You beat yourself up to a pulp, yet there's still another voice inside you that says, "Get real, woman! Please have enough grace and kindness for yourself, shall we?"

I'm welcoming this bloody battle, though. I know there's something good that I'll find after this storm has passed. Having more spare time than others can sometimes feel like a curse. You try to give your best but then nobody seems to have enough time to acknowledge it. I don't want praises, but I want to know that my existence is acknowledged. But by wanting the acknowledgement, I feel SO selfish and self-absorbed. Thus I start to beat myself up again. And the obnoxious cycle continues.

This is one of the moments when I think (again, for the umpteenth time) that the world is sick to the bones. People are so busy nowadays that they can't focus on anything too much. Minutes come whirling by so that everything becomes a blur, except those things you consider "important". Or maybe it's just me who's sick by having this kind of thought. Maybe people are meant to be SO busy because most people are SO busy anyway. Maybe I'm the one who's sick because I have so much spare time and I'm not as busy as others.

One way or another, I know that I'm sick and I need to heal.

Today is a VERY sunny day and I truly enjoyed walking outside and enjoying the new life bursting around me. The grass's getting greener and greener and nature seems to be comforting me. I still LOVE this life no matter how sick the world is. ^______________________________^

P.S. At first I was reluctant to post this as I didn't want to spread "negativity" but I guess it's good to share the negative emotions even before I conquer the battle. :-)))


  1. I go to a website that has a rant forum. Trust me - you're just a chick in the world of evil grumbling and whining. :-)

    I think it is way better to let negative emotions out then keeping them stuck inside you. Or worse - denying you have any bad feelings. I knew a woman who was bright and perky every day.. she told me she never allowed herself to be or show anger. It was "bad". She died of cancer. I'm sure keeping all that bottled "poison" bad emotions was part of the problem.

  2. Yeah, thanks. I don't want to bottle up my emotions, either.

    THX for reminding me that I'm normal he he he...It just sometimes feels yucky to be "bitchy" he he...