Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Rest In Peace

Have you ever felt something deep down and then suddenly someone points it out to you in such a way (as if that person were holding a BIG neon sign in front of you) that it just knocks the air out of your lungs? I'm sure you have. Well, that's what I've just experienced a little while ago (literally).

You see, I have this tight-knit group of closest/best friends (there are six of them) from my school days. We still keep in touch via internet, although one of them doesn't have an internet connection at home, so we can only keep in touch via snail mail or SMS or phone calls. Anyway, recently I've realized deep down that it's getting harder and harder for me to understand them, as our paths in life are now SO diverse and different.

I have always been the kind of person who LOVES jotting down my thoughts on paper. Not everybody likes it. I have always been the kind of person who LOVES talking about thoughts and what-ifs. Not everybody enjoys it, either. Some people prefer to talk about reality instead of imaginary situations. Some people love writing about their thoughts, not just about their daily lives. Some people prefer TALKING about their thoughts instead of writing them.

Well, my friends and I used to be able to talk and write about thoughts and deeper thoughts. We used to be able to talk about anything either in person or in emails. We used to be able to talk about what-ifs either in person or in emails. However, now most of them are busy (naturally busier than I am), almost each one of us is countries apart with one another, and some of them have found out that talking is more effective than writing due to several reasons, including the lack of time. Some of them have found out that there's no big need to write about deeper thoughts and what-ifs anymore. Some of them are sometimes too busy to respond to my emails (at least not as often as I hoped for or maybe I just ask too much from them or maybe I write too much).

And that hurts. That realization hurts. Why? Because it's getting harder and harder for me to understand them. And thus it's getting harder and harder for me to dig into their MINDS (yeah, I LOVE digging into people's innermost minds). Thus they'll turn more towards other people who understand them better in specific areas that they think I won't understand too much. It's not that I want to understand EVERY LITTLE THING about them (I'm not THAT crazy - yet). However, I think it's important for me to do so (as best as I can, anyway) so that I can respond to them better. I mean, let's face it, how can I respond WELL to anyone if I don't understand them or their situation???? Thus I feel as though I had less and less to give to them. Thus I feel as though we were growing apart mentally.

Is that how life is for everybody? I don't know. Anyone willing to tell me if that's the case or not? Am I insane for feeling sad? Am I overreacting? Well, one way or another, I guess I should just give myself time to mourn the loss. That's why I'd just post this sign here...

This is another thing I should learn now...letting go of my expectations and letting life run its course and not trying to grasp my friends in my tight little fist and just letting them fly as close or far as they want to...

(Side note: Geez, this is the first post where I'm TOTALLY honest with myself without editing too much of what I've written down.)


  1. I have had similar experiences with friends. I think the best bet is to not hold on tightly. THat old saying is true though:

    "If you love something, set it free.
    If it comes back to you, it is yours.
    If it doesn't - it never was."

    Bless them and let them go. Some will come back. It's like some friendships go through seasons - you seperate for "winter", but they return each "spring". Others go.. and you never see them again.


    But you can still hold them in your heart, remember the good times and love them wherever they have gone.

    It hurts though. Funny, I dreamt of my best friend from school two nights ago. In my dream she was arguing with me. We were so "best friends" in school, but the last time I saw her we had nothing to talk about. At first I thought she had changed so much, but when I thought about it I realised she was still herself, but only stronger. When we were in school we weren't really that compatible, we shared school stuff. Once we lost that sharing.. there was nothing.

    But I still remember the fun we had in school and smile.

    I also smiled at what you wrote about people. Me too. In fact sometimes I think I collect interesting people the way others collect stamps or other "hobby" things. *grin*

    One problem with enjoying writing that I'm starting to realise is that I have made loads of online friends since I moved countries, but very few real friends in Scotland. I know I should get out and meet people but, UGH! I don't feel like it. :-P (me pulling a tongue at the world)

  2. THX for sharing. I feel better now. :-))))