Judge Me If You Think You're Holy

Ever wished someone dead? I did. Twice. It's not something I pride in, but I just want to share it here.

Let me tell you the first time I had that wish. When I was in elementary school, my parents had a joint venture with someone and then the business went worse. They stopped doing the business and then Dad found a job through one of his cousins. This cousin also knew that someone who was my parents' business partner. This cousin gossiped about my Dad to this person and thus this person got mad. This person accused my Dad of such-and-such and then hit his face. At first I didn't understand what had happened. All I knew was that my parents came home crying. It was the first time I had ever seen my Dad cry. After I found out what the problem was, I knew that Dad wasn't crying because of the physical pain, but because of the betrayal, being accused of something he wasn't. I got SO angry at that time so I wished the perpetrator dead. I didn't understand yet that there was a third person who made the perp angry.

The second time I wished someone dead was yesterday. I felt like a total bitch. If you'd read my earlier post entitled "Dad", you'd known that my Dad's changed lately. Yesterday I asked my brother via SMS whether my Dad was still yapping and snapping at my Mom. My brother said that that day he got angry and he snapped at my Mom and made Mom cry (again, for the umpteenth time!). Since I'd always been closer to Mom (sometimes I feel bad for Dad as it seems he can't connect with his kids better than Mom does), there was one second that I felt a HUGE surge of anger. Being a woman, it's so much easier for me to understand Mom's pains. Well, I also know for sure that my brother is on Mom's side, as well. I know it's UNFAIR for Dad, but in a way he makes it hard for us to be on his side (even though he may not be able to help it).

Well, I cried as well because I could just feel Mom's pains. She'd been SO supportive to Dad. I know she has her faults, too, but still she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. NOBODY deserves to be treated that way. Another problem was that Dad couldn't say sorry without raising his voice. He's an emotional man and he sees things black-and-white and I guess his ego also prevents him from saying sorry calmly. I don't get it when I hear this sentence, "Love means never having to say sorry." For me, the ability to say sorry sincerely and calmly is crucial.

Anyway, that second I snapped and I thought that it'd be better if God took away my Dad. Then a second later I felt SO guilty that I prayed to God to take away my anger and to forgive me for having such a morbid thought. The truth is, I know that my Mom'll be able to live happily still without my Dad, but I'm not too sure that my Dad can live happily without my Mom.

I think I've also felt weird these past week ever since I heard the news about my Dad's symptom of stroke. I feel somewhat "guilty" because my life here is going on well and I'm enjoying my time with my husband, whereas my family in Bandung's going through such turmoil and I can't help much except just to pray for them. I feel somewhat bad to my brother as I can't help much, whereas he and his girlfriend had helped me before and on our wedding back in Indo. I feel also "guilty" if I don't enjoy my happiness here as it's God's blessing to me. I also feel guilty because I can't be there for my Mom. How do you feel happy and guilty at the same time? How do you balance the two? Should I feel guilty only when I think of them and then enjoy my life here when I'm not thinking of them? It's a weird mixture of emotions. I just hope that things would be better between my parents. My Dad wasn't always like this. There were times when they could laugh at something together until they both almost peed in their pants. I LOVED those moments so much!

Sigh...I guess this is one of my random posts. I was just thinking today that everybody needs angels. Angels can be in the form of strangers or anybody. A touch/word of grace, a touch/word of love, a touch/word of understanding, someone who listens, someone who cares, someone who makes a difference in your life, someone who enlightens you, someone who shows interest in you, someone who thanks you, someone who pats you on the back, someone who believes in you. Angels...I'm SO GLAD God has put His angels everywhere on earth.