Saturday, June 16, 2007

Judge Me If You Think You're Holy

Ever wished someone dead? I did. Twice. It's not something I pride in, but I just want to share it here.

Let me tell you the first time I had that wish. When I was in elementary school, my parents had a joint venture with someone and then the business went worse. They stopped doing the business and then Dad found a job through one of his cousins. This cousin also knew that someone who was my parents' business partner. This cousin gossiped about my Dad to this person and thus this person got mad. This person accused my Dad of such-and-such and then hit his face. At first I didn't understand what had happened. All I knew was that my parents came home crying. It was the first time I had ever seen my Dad cry. After I found out what the problem was, I knew that Dad wasn't crying because of the physical pain, but because of the betrayal, being accused of something he wasn't. I got SO angry at that time so I wished the perpetrator dead. I didn't understand yet that there was a third person who made the perp angry.

The second time I wished someone dead was yesterday. I felt like a total bitch. If you'd read my earlier post entitled "Dad", you'd known that my Dad's changed lately. Yesterday I asked my brother via SMS whether my Dad was still yapping and snapping at my Mom. My brother said that that day he got angry and he snapped at my Mom and made Mom cry (again, for the umpteenth time!). Since I'd always been closer to Mom (sometimes I feel bad for Dad as it seems he can't connect with his kids better than Mom does), there was one second that I felt a HUGE surge of anger. Being a woman, it's so much easier for me to understand Mom's pains. Well, I also know for sure that my brother is on Mom's side, as well. I know it's UNFAIR for Dad, but in a way he makes it hard for us to be on his side (even though he may not be able to help it).

Well, I cried as well because I could just feel Mom's pains. She'd been SO supportive to Dad. I know she has her faults, too, but still she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. NOBODY deserves to be treated that way. Another problem was that Dad couldn't say sorry without raising his voice. He's an emotional man and he sees things black-and-white and I guess his ego also prevents him from saying sorry calmly. I don't get it when I hear this sentence, "Love means never having to say sorry." For me, the ability to say sorry sincerely and calmly is crucial.

Anyway, that second I snapped and I thought that it'd be better if God took away my Dad. Then a second later I felt SO guilty that I prayed to God to take away my anger and to forgive me for having such a morbid thought. The truth is, I know that my Mom'll be able to live happily still without my Dad, but I'm not too sure that my Dad can live happily without my Mom.

I think I've also felt weird these past week ever since I heard the news about my Dad's symptom of stroke. I feel somewhat "guilty" because my life here is going on well and I'm enjoying my time with my husband, whereas my family in Bandung's going through such turmoil and I can't help much except just to pray for them. I feel somewhat bad to my brother as I can't help much, whereas he and his girlfriend had helped me before and on our wedding back in Indo. I feel also "guilty" if I don't enjoy my happiness here as it's God's blessing to me. I also feel guilty because I can't be there for my Mom. How do you feel happy and guilty at the same time? How do you balance the two? Should I feel guilty only when I think of them and then enjoy my life here when I'm not thinking of them? It's a weird mixture of emotions. I just hope that things would be better between my parents. My Dad wasn't always like this. There were times when they could laugh at something together until they both almost peed in their pants. I LOVED those moments so much!

Sigh...I guess this is one of my random posts. I was just thinking today that everybody needs angels. Angels can be in the form of strangers or anybody. A touch/word of grace, a touch/word of love, a touch/word of understanding, someone who listens, someone who cares, someone who makes a difference in your life, someone who enlightens you, someone who shows interest in you, someone who thanks you, someone who pats you on the back, someone who believes in you. Angels...I'm SO GLAD God has put His angels everywhere on earth.


  1. Try this..

    If the roles were changed and you were the one stuck with your sick dad and your brother was living away - would you want your brother to feel guilty and unhappy?
    Or would you want him to still be enjoying his life.

    If you trust God then trust that you are not needed at home at this time. Maybe this is a lesson for your brother in becoming more the "man" of the family? Maybe you can still offer help in other ways, like prayers?

    You love your mom and worry about her? I so understand that!

    The first year I moved to Scotland my dad lost his job and my mom had to have major surgery. At the time we weren't doing well, financially and I simply could not afford to fly home. I cried so much - mostly out of feeling helpless.

    You know what? My dad losing his job was perfectly timed. He was able to stay home at take care of my mom after surgery. Once she was better.. he got a new job. Afterwards my mom said that although they did miss me, this sharing without my help brought her and my dad closer.

    If you can help in any way - do it. If you cannot - that is not something you should feel guilty about. Maybe this is meant to be this way for a reason.. trust God. If your family truly need you - God will find a way to let you return to visit them. I truly believe that. But.. if they don't need you then you don't need to feel guilty about that either, do you?

    One thing is certain - guilt and worry accomplish nothing. They don't help anyone.

    I felt so guilty I wasn't there for my mom and dad, but in the end it was ok. ARGHG.. I'm writing this and feeling so stupid. This morning I was remembering something I feel guilty about (long story) that I refuse to forgive myself for.. and here I am telling you exactly what I need to hear.

    I need to forgive myself for being human.. maybe you do too?

  2. THX SO MUCH for your comment, M.

    Yeah, actually a friend of mine also told me to reverse the role. She said I'd also miss all the fun I could have with them.

    And yeah, I know this is a lesson for my brother to be a "man" of the family. I know he is capable of doing it (he's been maturing quite fast these past years), but what made me feel bad is the fact that he's preparing for his own BIG wedding (he'll invite around 600-700 guests) and he has to loan money from the bank to pay for half of the hospital bill.

    I know that I can trust God to give him everything he needs, but sometimes I still felt bad (sometimes I feel like a runaway, moving out just when my Dad turned awful, you know?). I guess I was trying to ask God (impatiently) what His plans were for my brother and mother.

    Yeah, I also HATE feeling helpless but sometimes we just can't help experiencing that feeling, eh?

    And yes, I also can't afford flying home now as I don't even know when I can get a job here. I have some money in the savings account that I'll use when my parents die (seems morbid, but that's what I want to do - fly home when they're gone).

    Well, Dad's doing much better thanks to the injections, so it's almost definite that the hospital'll release him on Tuesday. The guilt comes and goes he he it's like (again) a rollercoaster ride.

    Yeah, forgiving oneself is never easy indeed. It takes time. I should pray to God about that, too. Hope you'll soon forgive yourself, too.

    That reminds me of my friend's advice, "When you can't see God's hands, trust His heart." I seemed to have forgotten that as all I could see was problems, problems, problems for my family (and after a while the problems became magnified). I should know that God's beyond problems.

    Now I'm also reminded of one devotional passage I read the other day. It said that there are 365 verses in the Bible that says, "Do not worry" ---- so it's like God's telling us not to worry every single day of our lives.

    So again THX, M, for this "talk". I TRULY appreciate it.

  3. Mmmm I never really had thought of this.

    I wish I could offer you advice but this is something I've never experienced and therefore don't know how to reply to.

    I just suddenly thought of something as I read your posts. Our emotions is like a rollercoaster isn't it? It goes up and down, up and down.. In a way it keeps our life interesting but in another it tortures us...

    Well, I just really hope you take sometime alone and have a quite pondering I guess... Or talk it over with some friends... I find both quite productive in dealing with my emotions...

    But don't worry Amel, we all feel the same sometimes, just move on. If all else fails, I'll still be here for you :)

  4. THX again for your comment, Shan. :-)))

    Yes, our emotional life is indeed like a rollercoaster ride. Just writing about my feelings in this post helped, esp. after getting M's comment. :-D

    I've realized that I still want to be so much in control of everything. I HATE being helpless and I really want to help but at the same time, that means I doubted the authority of God. Surrendering to Him isn't always easy, esp. when I feel that I need His answers so badly. However, right now I'm learning to let go...of everything, even my wish to be in control.

    I should be trusting Him. I should know that whatever problems that my family's facing, God'll give them everything they need to face them (as He has promised in the Bible).

    And yes, talking about my feelings has helped me too, A LOT he he he...

  5. Hello again! 1st of all: "Love means never having to say sorry." - I do not agree for people use this expression to mess up with those who love them the most, without noticing that they are pushing them away (or perhaps they do notice, but they decide to take the other person(s) to his/her limit)! 2nd: don't feel guilty for being happy beside your husband, after all it is a blessing that the Lord gave you :)! I know that things are not easy back home, but all you can do is pray for your mom, cause she'd like you to be happy (that's what every mom wishes for her kids)! The Lord shall guide your family back in Indo!
    Many people don't know this, but our mission on earth is to be somebody's angel :)!

  6. THX, Max!!!

    THX for reminding me that we should all be angels on earth. How comforting! :-D

    Yeah, a friend of mine just reminded me as well that my Mom wants me to be happy and she'll feel unburdened because she knows I'm happy. :-)))

    So many angels on earth...I LOVE this life he he he...

  7. And thank you for this:

    "It said that there are 365 verses in the Bible that says, "Do not worry" ---- so it's like God's telling us not to worry every single day of our lives."

    I really like this and am saving it for days I feel worried. Thank you Amel :-)

  8. UR welcome, M!

    I should also remember that. :-))))