Some friends and I have been talking about our relationship histories. Some people get married to their first boyfriends, whereas some go through so many relationships before they settle down, whereas some more are on and off with the same person so many times before they settle down with that same person. I remember one friend used to tell me years ago that she was actually wishing to have experienced a few relationships with different guys before she settled down. However, she ended up marrying her first boyfriend he he he...
Speaking of broken hearts, sometimes you break up with someone and you don't feel a thing anymore 'coz your heart is already cold towards that person. That means that in that case, you're breaking the other person's heart. Sometimes you both break up when there's no love anymore and that means no heart is probably broken (the only broken thing is the relationship). Sometimes during the break up, both parties experienced heartbreak.
When I was younger, I used to be attracted to the polar opposite of myself. Usually they were the boys that were active at school or some kind of organization (church or whatever) and they'd be funny and they would have tons of friends. Basically speaking, my melancholic side was attracted to the sanguine type of boys. I knew that meant that there would be a huge gap between the both of us and that it'd probably be hard for me to catch up with those types of boys if I should have a chance to be their girlfriend. Anyway, I had my share of crushes in the past but then none of them became my boyfriend. But you know what? I ended up marrying someone who was more similar to me than my polar opposite he he...
* FYI, I'm mostly melancholic with a little phlegmatic on the side. My phlegmatic side has grown since I've married R2. R2 is more phlegmatic with a little bit of melancholic on the side.
One close friend commented that the important thing about a break-up is closure. If one party feels that the reason for the break-up is not clear, then it's harder for that person to move on after experiencing a broken heart. I agree with her. I've known at least two people who had a hard time to move on after their relationship break-ups 'coz of this.
How about you? Do you think closure is important in a break-up? Do you feel it's important to know the reason of the break-up in order to move on? If you're in a relationship/is married, did you end up choosing your polar opposite or someone who has more similarities with you?
glitter-graphics.com
There's magic in the air when someone blurts out something so funny and so unpredictable that just tickles the very core of you. The tickle comes from deep within and in a split second you just burst out in an unbridled wave of laughter followed by another wave and another wave and another wave. It's the kind of series of laughter that border on hysterical. And it's even more magical when you do all of that while lying on top of someone you love, someone you've vowed to love until death do you part.
There's magic in the air when you can hold that person in your arms and hear his heartbeats. To feel his warmth as he holds you back with all the fondness that he can muster. To feel a tad of exasperation when he imitates your facial expressions and uses your own words as weapons to tease you. And yet instead you can't help but giggle along with him until your cheeks get sore.
glitter-graphics.com
There's magic in the air in the familiar scent, posture, facial expressions, and antics of your heart's desire, enticing you to miss him more the longer you live with him. And even though sometimes he drives you mad, he makes you laugh so much and so easily that it's almost impossible for you to get really angry at him.
There's magic in the air in knowing that you belong, that you're accepted the way you are, that your whole self is very dear to someone. That even though you do drive him mad at times, he is willing to forgive you without ever bringing up your mistakes.
There's magic in the air when you realize that you're still given today to enjoy together with him. That you're still given an opportunity to embrace the present and feel all the magic floating in the air...
Yesterday one foreign customer complimented my beauty. He himself is an expat who has lived in Finland for 20 years. He said he had always been attracted to eyes like mine - he called them special. I thanked him for his compliment and this incident reminded me of my past.
Back in Indo, ever since I was young, I never felt especially beautiful. I never felt ugly, either, but I knew what people considered "beautiful" - those who have bigger eyes, not a girl like me (case in point: in many Asian countries, those people who have slanted eyes try to make their eyes look BIGGER when they put on make-up. If you still don't believe me, just try googling Japanese manga series and you'll see that the idealized female person there has big eyes instead of slanted Japanese eyes. Want more proof? Try googling double eyelid surgery in Korea. So many people there have been getting the surgery to make their eyes look bigger.)
Anyway, when I was 19 going on 20, I met this guy online who made me feel especially beautiful. I knew he was a bad boy, but he was the first one ever who made me feel that I "shone among the others" (so to speak). He also taught me how to be open and by being open to him and still being accepted as who I was, I was drawn to him. He was the total opposite of me.
I knew our relationship was doomed from the start, but I did one of the most cliched mistakes a girl could ever make. I thought I could be the one who turned the bad boy into a good boy. Yep. Silly little me. We broke up not long after we met in real life. I realized even more after we met that we were just too different and there was no way I could ever change him. After all, we can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, right?
There were times when I wished I could erase that part of my life, but now that I think about it...by making that mistake, I have learnt so much. First of all, I've learnt how to be open to people. Secondly, by having that short relationship, I learn how to set boundaries and thirdly I figured out what kind of qualities I was looking for in a guy.
When I had that brief relationship, I had been emailing with R2 as well, though we weren't too close yet. After I broke up with my first boyfriend and I got to know R2 even more and more, I realized that he was the one I was looking for all along. We're more in tune with each other and there are some similarities that make it easier for us to understand each other. R2 makes me feel safe because he's a steady person and he really tries his best to bridge the gap between us. Most of all, he's always brought up the best in me - and even more so in real life.
However, if I hadn't had the wrong relationship, I may have not been ready to be open with R2 and everything might have ended up differently. Because I could be open with R2 and I allowed myself to be vulnerable, he also felt more at ease to show me his vulnerability. That created so much closeness between us. And because at that time I knew already what type of qualities I looked for in a guy, I recognized them easily when R2 and I began to get to know each other better.
Anyway, back to the topic of beauty. Beauty is really tricky, don't you think? I think as time goes by, I've begun to appreciate more and more the individual beauty of people, including myself. While back in my past, I craved for other people's appreciation of my outer beauty, nowadays I hope I've learnt even better how to view people through God's eyes - that He's woven each one of us in a mother's womb...that each one of us is His beloved.
It's kinda ironic to know that some people are oblivious as to why their adult kids won't visit them more often. They get upset 'coz of this, even though from my eyes it's very clear why the kids are reluctant to visit them. It's maybe because the atmosphere in the house isn't really inviting for the adult kids to WANT to visit them often. Or maybe the parents are too involved in the kids' lives (whenever they meet, the kids are always told what to do with certain areas in life, etc.). Or the parent keeps on yapping whenever they meet or there can be many numerous other reasons.
In the end, unfortunately, the vicious cycle continues...the upset parent (or parents) complains when the adult kids do visit and says something like this, "Ah, we've got a long lost visitor (insinuating that now they've become "strangers", so to speak)." After hearing that over and over again, the kids feel less and less desire to visit the parents...and it only gets worse and worse.
It's human nature, I guess. It's MUCH easier to put the blame on someone else rather than look in the mirror at yourself and see what's wrong with yourself that may be causing the distance between you and your own kids.
*cross-posted with my IF blog - modified a little*
A few weeks ago hubby was rearranging some stuff in our living room cabinets. He was moving some stuff when he decided to browse through our wedding album again. He had a joyful, sentimental smile on his face while he leafed through the album and then he said, "Oh look, what a cute girl!"
He leafed through some more pages and said with a cheeky smile, "Lucky bastard!" (referring to himself jokingly)
I smiled, too...after he finished browsing through the album, he came towards me (who was at that time lying down on our soft, comfortable sofa-bed) and hugged me and said "I love you" in such a way that made my heart flutter.
I couldn't help the tears from flowing. It was a LONG journey for us until we could be together as husband-and-wife and we've managed to kick IF in the butt by not letting it go between us and our love. With tears free-flowing on my cheeks, I hugged him, kissed him, and said, "I love you too. Look where are are now! I can't believe it's over 10 years ago when we first got in touch with each other through the internet."
He let me go, looked me in my eyes, wiped my tears, and said, "Don't cry!"
I replied, "But these are tears of joy. I'm just happy!"
We hugged and kissed some more...moments like these are really precious...Looking back at what we've gone through to reach this point has made me realized how ABUNDANT God's blessings have been for us. And my heart is full of gratitude...because I have my beloved, precious hubby with me.
I knew I loved him before I met him...I hope we can keep growing closer to each other as time goes by NO MATTER WHAT comes our way.
glitter-graphics.com
The man was gaming and the woman saw that he had won a round, so she came over to sit on his lap and said, "Ohhhhh...you are victorious. My hero...Aren't you proud of yourself?"
He replied while kissing her, "Of course."
She asked, "What are you proud of? Tell me."
He said, "I'm proud of myself because I have you."
She replied, "GOOD answer. That was the one I was waiting for."
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...then they were lost in kisses...
A 27-year-old guy is dating a 38-year-old woman with four kids. The eldest is staying with her Dad, so the girlfriend is left with three younger children. The guy confesses that he doesn't really love the girlfriend, since he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend. His honesty is really...surprising, fascinating, raw, and somewhat melancholic.
He keeps the photos of the girlfriend's kids in his wallet, yet he refuses to put hers there. He says he doesn't want to do it. He still keeps a picture of himself with his ex-girlfriend, though.
What made them get together? Surely she was old enough to know that the guy probably didn't love her. Or maybe she didn't care about love anymore? Maybe she thinks, "Why not?" And what about him? Maybe he thinks that he can grow to love her over time?
A friend of mine once had a relationship just because they thought it'd help get over their lost loves. Did it work? Unfortunately not. They had been very good friends for many years, and then out of the spur of the moment, they decided to try having a relationship after experiencing broken hearts. After their break-up, their friendship became somewhat strained for a while, but thankfully it's now back to normal again. At least that's what I last heard about them.
I once heard a friend of mine saying that she actually would have loved to have some more love relationships prior before she decided to marry a guy. (Un)fortunately she met the man of her life right away and didn't have the chance to experience different types of relationships with other guys. One relationship was all it took for her to be a bride.
I've also seen some people getting tired of trying to start a new relationship due to many or some failed relationships. The trauma is too deep to bear after they had given so much time, effort, and love in their prior relationships. They start to wonder if there are really decent partners-to-be left in the world for them to find.
Personally speaking, I think it's good to be able to experience one or two love relationships prior to marrying someone as long as the broken relationships don't traumatize you into trying all over again. But even if you don't, it's just as well as long as you find the right one for you. After all, starting all over again is tiring.
Life is very intriguing. The choices people make, the paths they take, the risks they dare take or daren't take. Don't we all sometimes choose the wrong thing to do, even though we know fully well that it's wrong? I know I do, especially since I'm such a stubborn person.
However, no matter what, I still believe that it's much better to love and lost than never to have loved at all...
I've been meaning to write about this, but haven't had the chance. Well, remember the birthday party I attended on January 4th? I had a long talk with Vi, one of the guests.
She first started asking me how Arttu and I met, so I told her the brief version of it. Then she asked me, "Do you know what other people probably think about Asians marrying Finnish people? They probably think that they wanted to get married with Finnish people for their money or citizenship."
It didn't surprise me to hear her say that, but what surprised me was my own reaction. I didn't feel the need to explain myself to her. After all, what matters most is that Arttu's family knows that I'm not a gold digger. That's the benefit of marrying a foreign guy when he was unemployed HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...Ahem!
Anyway, as you probably know, then I left to the bar with some girls, whereas Arttu and the birthday girl and the rest of them went to a different bar.
In the bar, I also got to talk to Vi again. Well, she said that since they were all females, if somebody approached me or something, then I should have told her about it. I truly appreciated her gesture in trying to protect me. So she "assumed" that since I was an Asian, then Finnish guys would approach me.
I told her that I had never gone to the bars alone. Besides, I had never made eye contact with anyone too long. Then she said something that made me surprised. She said, "Well, but you know what people will think if you keep on staring at the floor?" I shook my head, since I honestly didn't know.
She said, "They'll think that you're depressed 'coz you've been abused or something. Anyway, speaking of abuse, here in Finland the social system is good, so if you're abused or something, you don't have to worry. You just need to tell the authority, you know? But anyway, I'm sure that your guy isn't abusive 'coz I can tell that you're a smart girl."
So she had "assumed" that I stared at the floor to avoid making eye contact with other guys. I explained to her that I didn't stare at the floors all night whenever we went to bars, but I just made sure that I didn't stare at other guys' eyes since that could be misinterpreted as flirting with the guys. I told her that I did look around the place, but I wouldn't make an eye contact with guys too long.
It was pretty interesting to see what other people have to say to me when they found out about my relationship with Arttu. To be honest, I never really thought about what other people (Finns) thought about me and Arttu. As long as my parents know about it and as long as his family accepts me, then I'll be okay.
But what I realized by having the conversation was that years back, I would have tried to explain to her about the truth about our relationship. I would at least felt the NEED to explain to her about us. But I didn't feel it anymore and it feels...LIBERATING!!! ;-D
But that brought me to my other conclusion from the conversation. How many times do I, do we, assume? It's so easy for us to just take some "samples" in our brains and then whenever there's a similar case, then we'd think it's just the same as the "samples"? Of course in some cases, this ability has been proven crucial. However, in some cases, this type of assumptions can be dangerous, or at least misleading.
Yeah, yeah, this post is just my rambling thoughts, but your two cents are welcome he he he he he...OK, now I'd better clean up the house before I blog-hop. See you soon, guys!!!!
Romance. I think everyone knows the importance of romance in a relationship.
However, not everybody is romantic enough for his/her partner.
When I went MyLotting the other day, I read a discussion where a woman complained that her new boyfriend wouldn't say "I love you" to her, even though she had said it first. Apparently it was awkward for him to say those words or even wrote them down. But after she explained how important it was for her to hear or read those words (in SMSes), he started improving himself in that department. Sweet!!! ;-D Don't most women love romance?
I read this romantic game for couples which I'd love to share with you. I can imagine playing it with my hubby, especially since I love to see the twinkle in his eyes whenever I say something sweet to him.
My hubby and I also never said sweet words verbally before we were together. Both Finns and Indonesians aren't big on saying sweet words like that. My parents never said those words to each other, but ever since I was a kid, I had this deep wish of being able to be romantic to each other with my future spouse. It definitely took some effort, but it's all worth it in the end. Now I'm getting everything I want from a relationship, but hey, wouldn't hurt to learn new romantic ideas to spice up our lives, right? *wink* There's always room for improvement, anyway, and I want to make the best out of everything.Speaking of relationships, I remember when I broke up with my first boyfriend. It wasn't easy to get over a break up even though I knew the relationship couldn't last and even though I knew he was wrong for me. However, I think what's most important from a "failed" relationship is the fact that we learn from it, don't you think so? I think that we can learn more about ourselves when we're in a relationship (any kind of relationship for that matter, but particularly from a romantic relationship).
Hmmmm...back to romance...maybe I should send this link to my hubby via email so that he would remember to ask me out on a romantic date every once in a while. ;-D After all, I heard from lots of people that having a date with your wife or husband even after years of marriage is one of the most important aspects to spice up romance. For those of you who've been married long enough, do you remember to have a date every once in a while with your spouse? And does it spice up your relationship?
Inspired by Shan's post entitled Trust, I decided to write this post as it's going to be a long one. I was thinking of the times when someone betrayed my trust, so let me share my experiences here.
First experience I had was when I was in 5th grade. I forgot to do one homework, so I told my best friend at the time about that fact. I was GLAD when the lesson was over and the teacher didn't know about it. However, without my knowledge, that friend actually told the teacher afterwards about it, so she called me and she scolded me in front of the class. I think after that my friendship with her was over.
Second experience...now this is going to take a LONG time to explain to make sure you know the details. And hell, I might as well just tell you about my relationship he he he...
Relationship breakdown with my husband:
1999 - We started writing to each other as emailpals.
2000 - We started to get to know each other better (sending more and more emails and SMSes and asking deeper questions about each other). One time we had a record of sending 30 SMSes a day. October that year we became a "cyber couple".
2001 - We broke up. I'll explain it later.
2004 - I visited him in Finland, and we became a "real couple".
2006 - He came to Indonesia for the first time to marry me.
Well, in 2000 I didn't actually want to be a couple even though I knew we were right for each other. Why? Because we hadn't met and we didn't know when we could possibly meet. At the beginning of 2000, he was laid off and after that he started going to courses and getting temporary jobs, but no sign of a permanent job yet. However, he proposed that we should be a "cyber" couple anyway since we weren't thinking of dating anyone else.
During one of his temporary jobs, he had so many female colleagues (he told me all about them and he even sent me pics of them). Then a few months before we broke up, I began to feel that he had moved away from me. His intensity started to dwindle even though we chatted regularly still (twice or thrice a week) and we still sent each other SMS twice a day at least. I just had this gut feeling that told me that something was wrong. Anyway, one time they had a training trip someplace and when he got back home, I knew something was TOTALLY wrong. He sent me an SMS, saying that he'd got home safely and stuff, but his diction was just off. It wasn't his usual SMS.
The next day we chatted and right from the beginning I just knew there would be trouble. He told me that he had kissed one of his colleagues the other night. Nothing else happened. I told him that I appreciated his honesty and that I knew something bad had happened. I poured out EVERYTHING (my anger, disappointment, every single thing) and told him that the relationship was over. I told him that I didn't know when or if I could contact him again. He said he understood. He said that he had indeed moved away from me as he began to feel that I was so imaginary (as we hadn't met still at that time), so when an opportunity came to kiss the other girl, he went for it.
The next day we still wrote a short email to each other. He said that he was so stupid, that he had made the biggest mistake in his life by wondering whether I was real or not. He said that since he had lost me, he began to understood more of my value in his life. He said that he wished we could still be friends again no matter what as he needed me.
So I took time to mourn. And HELL did I mourn!!! My entire world was shattered. Bad old cynicism hit me full force and I was totally drowned in anger and disappointment. I was sour-faced and I cried a while. My poor friends couldn't even comfort me. I don't think it took a long time for me to bounce back, though, since one of my friends was amazed at how fast I recovered. Now I think I know the answers. First of all, I knew what went wrong (I didn't do anything wrong to him), so I didn't have to rethink of what I did wrong. Plus I was relieved 'coz I got a chance to pour out my anger and disappointment to him. Secondly, because of the first reason, I could tell myself, "It's HIS loss and not mine." Thirdly, the only thing I lost was the "us" (the relationship and our mutual dreams). Fourthly, I still had him as my best friend (still do).
Thus I managed to let go of my status as his "cyber girlfriend" and became his best friend again. Sometime around 2002, he had a crush once on another girl and he confided that to me (I insisted on knowing his love life as I wanted him to trust me that much - I'd have been offended if he hadn't told me about it). I was so relieved when I realized that I had no hard feelings towards him when he told me about this. So I suggested to him to tell her how he felt. He did, but the girl didn't reply or anything, so no relationship. So back to us again. We got closer and closer still (chatting regularly, sending SMS twice a day at least) even though we were careful enough not to be a "cyber" couple again.
Fast forward: So in 2004 I visited him. Visiting Europe had always been one of my lifelong dreams, so I thought, "Why not visit him and see how matched we are in real life?" I also have another friend living in Helsinki, so I could visit her, too. When we met for the first time, I just knew he was the one. I had known that all along the years. I just didn't have the proof yet.
How did I know he was the one? Well, when we went to spend the night at his parents' cabin back in 2004, it was dark outside and we lit the fireplace and the oil lamp and we turned on the radio. Mellow songs were serenading us and he was lying his head on my lap facing down, so I couldn't see his face. We were silent for a while, just enjoying each other, then one moment I asked him, "What?"
He turned around and giggled and asked me, "How did you know?"
I replied, "I just felt it. I knew there was something you wanted to tell me. Something on your mind. So?"
He stayed silent for a few seconds (smiling still), gathered up his courage, and then he said, "If the situation is right, will you marry me?"
I smiled back and replied right away, "Yes, I will."
There was a similar situation happening that week, but vice versa. So it was his turn to read my mind. So that's how I knew he was the one. Even with that knowledge, deciding to get married was still scary. It took me months before I finally decided to have a wedding in 2006. I got scared about having to move to Finland, having to start my life all over again, having to lose my job, having to be dependent on him, etc. And since we hadn't really lived close to each other (hadn't really lived together), I was wondering how it would be like. Looking at other people's marriages did scare me, too. However, in the end I thought to myself, "What's the safest bet than to marry your own best friend???"
The road to the wedding wasn't smooth, either. I almost postponed our wedding. Why? Because back then he still hadn't got a permanent job, but he was thinking of opening his own business. He had to loan some money from the bank to do so. However, when the bank investigated the economical situation, they refused to give the loan as they said that the economical situation back then wasn't conducive for that kind of business. We were both devastated.
I told my Mom about the problem. I told her that I actually didn't want to postpone the wedding since I knew it'd take a long time for me to adjust to my new life before I could even think of having a baby. Then she said to me, "Just keep on praying and God'll give him a job. I'm sure of it. Just tell him to come here and go get married. When I got married myself, I wasn't thinking much about money, but blessings always come at the right time." So I told him that. Thus the wedding preparation continued.
Oh yeah, then Mom told me that whenever other people asked about his job, she'd say "computer stuff" just to protect me. I HATE lying, but in this case, I want my family's reputation intact. I knew that my relatives wouldn't understand it if they had known that my future husband hadn't got a permanent job yet. Even my Priest showed some concern about that. I had to follow a premarital counseling before the wedding, and the Priest asked me about his job. When I told him what my Mom said, my Priest told me, "Well, if that's what you believe in, then so be it."
Anyhow, so we got married and it took me 4 months before I could move here (after our wedding). I was FRUSTRATED because I had to wait THAT long. I knew God had His good plans for us, but it was just PURE misery. Now I know why He wanted us to wait that long. I could still work during the 4 months and saved money. What about his job? THANK GOD he's got a permanent one now. Two weeks after I arrived, he started his training in a computer firm (training = working full-time without getting a salary but he still gets his unemployment benefit and if you're lucky then the boss'll offer you a permanent job). Turned out that his boss did offer him a permanent job contract starting last month. HALLELUJAH!!! So now I know more why God separate us THAT long. Thus, when it comes to a relationship, I can say that after living with him for 3,5 months that my decision to marry him was one of the best decisions in my life! ;-D
Now you know how "complicated" our relationship was (yep, right, just like any other relationship HE HE). I'm glad now I can publish this post with a relieved heart, knowing that I don't have to "lie" anymore about my hubby's job. :-D
Back to trust. Conclusion: Trust is fragile. It breaks easily and it's hard to build again. However, sometimes people should be given a second chance. Sometimes the second time around they do the right thing since they know already how painful it is to lose your trust (and lose you).
It feels GOOD when other people trust you MUCH (like my Mom trusted my choice of a husband. She said, "As long as you're happy, go for it!"). Gladly I think I've been pretty safe in "trust" department. None of my close friends has ever betrayed my trust. And other than the incident back in 2001, I've been doing fine with my hubby when it comes to trust.
I agree with what Jeff said when he commented on Shan's post. Let me quote his words:
Trust is like going to the race track and placing your bet. Chances are you are going to lose, but when you win, you really feel good. That good feeling keeps you coming back (that and the innate need for humans to bond and trust each other).
OK, I think I'll stop here. It's sunny again outside, so I might take a walk and soak up the suuuuunnnnn...^_______________________^ Have a NICE day, everybody!!!
