Walking Home

Lots of snow was falling slowly. Slow enough for me to almost be able to distinguish the forms of the snowflakes falling from the sky. The roads and sidewalk were almost empty that Sunday evening. The rather chilly temperature didn't dampen my spirit, because I was on my way home from work and the scene was just too beautiful to describe. When the snow fell down slowly like that, it felt as though life were moving forward in a slow motion. I felt reminded to cherish each moment in time and not to rush forward. To focus on the moment.

I took out my mobile phone and plugged the earphones to my ears. Then I chose a song from my list and chuckled when I realized that a pair of snowflakes that had attached themselves to each other fell on my mobile phone's screen. Oh, how I wish I could have taken a picture of that pair of snowflakes! All around me the snow kept on falling steadily, gently, slowly.



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While listening to one of my favourite songs on the list, I sang along out loud on the sidewalk. Bliss! Where else can I do that without bothering anyone except here? The world seemed so hushed.  No need to hurry. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the song. Sing your heart out to your delight!

I took out my mobile again after the song had finished to choose another song after that one was finished because I didn't want to listen to the next one on the list. My mobile had no capacity to do a random play of the songs on my list. Soon after my thumb hit on another song title, my ears welcomed the song with a smile (if they can smile, they were definitely smiling widely). And I couldn't resist the temptation to sing out loud again.

I felt free. I felt at peace. I felt as though the world was big enough for everyone of us. And my heart almost exploded with joy when I arrived home and I was welcomed with bear hugs and kisses. Oh, the simple joys of life!

Homeeeeeee...

I almost shed some tears when the newlyweds had their first dance. They danced along this song:



I had never heard the song before, so I looked it up online and found out that Michael Buble sang it.

That took me back to the past when R2 and I were separated for around 4 months after our wedding and honeymoon due to paperwork. It felt SO hellish. It felt as though my body was in Indo, but my soul was in Finland already. I had never felt that way before in my life. The separation was choking me and Michael Buble's song spoke to me during that time. I felt like screaming along with him "Let me go hooommmeeeeee....I'm just too far from where you areeee...I wanna come hooommeeee..." he he he...

Anyway, enjoy the song!

Say What You Want

Back when I was young, I used to think that if people cared enough about me, they should have known what I expected/wished for even when I didn't say a word about it. Boy I was in for a lot of disappointment hi hi...

Since the moment I realized how big of a mistake that was, I've learnt to say out right what I want. It's a long journey, but as time goes by it gets easier and easier to do so. Before my last birthday, I had told R2 that I wanted him to write me a love letter. He grumbled and didn't seem interested at all, but he surprised me by writing me a love email on my birthday anyway (which made me cry tears of joy and I printed).

Now I'm a firm believer of saying what I want in order to create a win-win situation. Some people may think it's "not fun" to do in a relationship, but for me it's the other way around. I don't want R2 to have to guess what I want and then after spending money and thoughts on getting the gift, he'll still have to deal with my disappointment. Life is already filled with problems, so why make life even harder?

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate or need or give surprises (and I'm not saying that R2 never gives me surprises). That's not it. But for important things that I want or need, I'd rather just tell the other person rather than wishing for it secretly.

Anyhow, let me translate his love letter (it's written in Finnish) just because I'm feeling nostalgic...

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Happy birthday, my love!

We've been together now for almost 5 years and our 5th wedding anniversary is behind us. I can honestly say that I have never regretted our decision to lead a life together.

If I had to live my life all over again after knowing what I know now, I wouldn't change anything, because if I changed something then I may not end up living with you. Even though there are things in my life that I'd want to change, choices that I wouldn't have chosen otherwise, I would still choose the same things to make sure that I end up with you anyway, because I don't want to be anywhere else but beside you even at this very moment.

I love you. Maybe I don't show it as often as I should and maybe at times I grumble at you, but you're not the reason why I grumble. The biggest reason I grumble is stress from work. Work always gets in the way of enjoying my spare time. That is why I always want to get as far away from here as possible whenever I have longer holidays. I want to forget everything about work issues so that I can focus more on being with you.

The thought of a life without you makes me feel terribly sad. Life won't be life anymore. Home won't be a home anymore, because you're my home and I always miss you whenever I'm somewhere else. I miss you when you're at work and I'm at home alone. Even watching TV is boring without you next to me.

Thank you for being the biggest part of my life.
Thank you for being you.
I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Eternally yours,

Arttu

Nostalgic Feelings

The tender hold of his hand
Every time we watch something together
The loud noises his belly makes
When I press my ear right above it
The bliss I feel when we nap together

The warm comfort of his embrace
Telling me how safe I am
That I am home sweet home

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The way he makes faces,
The crazy song lyrics he makes up,
The sound of his voice,
His laughter, his giggle, his snore...

The shape of his eyes, lips,
Face, eyebrows, legs, feet...
They make me smile
And make me long for more...

I thank God for another year together...
Wishing for many more to come
Because I can't imagine life without him.

And deep in our innermost chambers of wishes,
If we can have just one more wish:
That is at the end of our days
He'd take us both together
From here on to eternity...

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Homes and Degress of Sentimentality

When we were in the process of moving to this current apartment last year (yep, in January 2009), I felt SOOOOOOOOO sentimental about leaving our old apartment. The reason was that it was the first apartment we lived in as a married couple. It was such a small apartment, but still it was filled with so many memories. (If I recall, someone once told me that you'll never forget the first place you live in with your spouse - was it you, M?)


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When I left Bandung to live in Finland, I also felt sentimental 'coz I had, after all, lived in that city my entire life (28 years and 4 months) and I had to leave my beloved family and friends there - as well as my job. I remember on the way to the airport, I was escorted by so many people: my parents, my bro and his-then-girlfriend (now wife), two uncles and two aunts. I remember saying goodbye to the mountains surrounding Bandung 'coz I knew that Sodankylä landscape is much more flat and I'd miss the mountains.

I said goodbye to the familiar, to my safety zone, to embrace the unfamiliar. I remember crying while saying goodbye to everybody who escorted me and then bracing myself to face the unknown and telling myself that Bandung is my ex-home and starting from then my home is hubby.

Funny thing is that I just realized that while I'm in the process of moving to our new home now, I'm not as sentimental as those two occasions I just described. I don't know if that is caused by the fact that we're moving to our own house that will probably be the house we'll stay in forever (unless something else comes up and we have to move to a different place - though I prefer not to 'coz it's such a hassle to move) or because we've only stayed in this place for a year or maybe there are other reasons, too.

It obviously doesn't mean that we don't have many memories in this current apartment, 'coz there's no way you can live in a place for a year without having many memories, right? Or maybe it also has something to do with our TTC journey 'coz the year we have spent here has been rough in terms of our hope to have a baby due to the non-baby-situation and so maybe in a way I'm eager to "change scenery" and move on. So for me, this move is FAR easier than when we moved from our first apartment.


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Anyway, I've always liked knowing why I feel a certain way. For me, just finding out the why "solves" half of the problem. It gives me a sense of direction, so the speak. Knowing why I feel a certain way enables me to get in touch with myself and to understand myself better. It's FUN to dig deeper and deeper into myself to find out every little detail and secret. ;-D

Yeah, now I'm rambling...too much coffee and staying up this late makes me ramble in my blog ha ha ha...better go to sleep now after publishing this post just in case tomorrow we have to move some more stuff to the house (we've started moving some boxes there already).

Home, Ex-Home, Future Home?

Chocolate Girl (Livingsword's wife) wants to know how I felt when coming back to Finland after our trip to Indonesia and how I feel about all the snow here.

Well, to be honest, I was HOPING that I'd get to see snow already when I landed in Rovaniemi airport. Why? Because I knew that it would be dark most of the time already and it's only going to get darker and darker (nowadays the sun rises around 8.30 am and sets around 3.15 pm so we have only around 6 hours and 40 minutes of sunshine per day, provided that the sun is shining and it's not cloudy), so having snow around would help A LOT. Thank GOD snow started to fall the day after we arrived in Finland and it kept on snowing and it didn't melt and turn to ice. I have no problem with snow, but I'm VERY afraid of icy snow!

It felt slightly weird coming back to Lapland from a tropical country, since I was used to three weeks of sunshine and heat, but it felt GOOD to be home, to have our own privacy, to be able to do anything we want without having to think of planning our schedule to meet these relatives and those friends, buying these and those, etc.

Home...mentally I've named Indonesia as my ex-home. I LOVE Indonesia, but right now my home is where R2 is. I've learnt to love Finland, but if for example God takes him away now when we have no kids and I don't know yet what kind of job I want to do here, maybe I'll go back to Indonesia since I've got family and friends there and I know what kind of job I want to do and can do there.

Life is unpredictable and I don't want to be too hard-headed in anything. There's no guarantee yet that Finland will be my home forever, but of course everything changes if there are kids already. I'd want to be there for them, at least until they're grown up and they're ready to be on their own.

Yep, these are just my ramblings about hypothetical situations. I sure hope that God gives us PLENTY more healthy years to come, especially since I haven't lived long enough with R2 in the same country or house.

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All in all, I'm not missing Indonesia, except my family and friends and the glorious food. I started crying the day I was supposed to leave Bandung by bus to go to Cengkareng airport since my SIL called me from the hospital to say goodbye. She thanked me for everything and she said sorry for not being able to escort me. I started choking and I couldn't say the words I wanted to say to her for fear of crying so loudly on the phone. I didn't want to make her feel sad.

My brother managed to meet us at the mall where the bus station was to hug me goodbye. My uncle took us there since my parents have no car now, so in the car there were my uncle, my Mom, me, R2, and my Mom's elder sister. My uncle said to my Mom's elder sister that they'd better escort my Mom for fear that she'd cry. One close friend of mine also escorted me there.

When we started hugging one by one, I almost couldn't stop my tears from falling...while waiting for the bus, my SIL called again to say goodbye and I felt choked again. When I got on the bus and sat down, I started crying, though I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't sob loudly. R2 gazed into my eyes and he rubbed my arm and pat my hand. It was impossible for him to hold me due to the seats and the fact that we have backpacks right between our legs, so that was all that he could do.

After I could control myself a bit, I stood up from inside the bus to give them one last wave of goodbye...I feel SO LOVED...my whole trip in Indonesia was showered with LOVE...I'm GRATEFUL to God who've given me SO MANY loving, caring, attentive, and understanding people. I'm GRATEFUL for my relatives who care SO much for my Mom that they're always trying to make things easier for her. I LOVE THEM ALL!!!!

OK, let me stop here as I'm getting more and more emotional...

Home...let's just see where God takes me to...I'll do my best to make the most of everything He's entrusted to me this moment...

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Back Home

Just wanna let you all know that we arrived back home safely at around midnight last night. We were so dead tired already. It was such a long journey, especially since we were "stranded" in Bangkok airport for 10 hours nearing our sleep time in Indo, so we didn't have enough energy to do anything much for the first few hours. We tried finding some soft seats to lie down on. Unfortunately there were only hard metal seats to sleep on as all the soft seats were taken by sleeping travellers, so we took turns in taking a nap for about 1,5 hours.

The airport itself was MUCH MUCH better than the airport in Jakarta. It was MUCH cleaner and there were more restaurants, shops, and space. Impressive!!!

Anyway, in short, our trip was WONDERFUL!!! I got to meet Trinity in Bandung and also Blur Ting, her sons, and CH in Singapore (and I got to taste her delicious food - boy, she cooked SO much for all of us - her sons are LUCKY to have her!!!) ;-D

I also got to wait on my SIL when she was giving birth to her son on October 22nd. My brother went in to support right next to her. So I got to see my little nephew after all HE HE HE HE HE...;-D I'm an AUNT!!!

I still have PLENTY of stories to tell, but I need my rest first. I need to do so many things for tomorrow. I have to go find either a training place still or a work place and I have to report to the unemployment office and buy grocery. I'm going to tell you my holiday bit by bit. I still haven't had the energy to upload all the pics and video clips I've taken, so we'll see how it goes. Our bodies are still following Indonesian time, so we're still groggy. I'll catch up with you this week bit by bit, OK?

Hope you've all been fine and been sheltered by God's angels!!! Miss you all!!! THANK YOU for all of you who've visited my blog while I was away and for all my EC droppers. I'll return the favour once I'm well rested he he he...

Reminiscing Love

Saturday, August 2nd, 2008

Today we talked about our "meeting" in sauna. We don't even remember anymore which online penpal club we had joined in that made us contact each other. We lost our emails for a few months since you formatted your hard disk in fall 1999 and you had forgotten to save the files first. However, both of us still remembers that it was I who wrote you first. And until now, we are still both relieved that we "met" through that online club.

A few weeks ago I saw something that really touched my heart in your parents' house. I saw your Mom watching your Dad while he was sitting on his rocking chair, enjoying himself. They weren't even talking to each other, but I could see the look of love on your Mom's face. Full of tender love. Your Dad raised an eyebrow quizzically and said to her, "Don't stare."

Your Mom laughed and replied, "I'm not staring. I'm merely watching you. Can't I watch?"

Your Dad smiled and said, "Sure you can watch. Just don't stare."

I was smiling so widely since it's happened A LOT of times with us, too. I often do that to you too and sometimes you try to block my view with your hand. I just LOVE watching you. I can't help it and I don't want to help it. After all, we'll never know when God will take one of us away from earth, so I just want to cherish every single part of you.

Months ago I also saw something very endearing to me. Your Dad was again sitting on his favourite rocking chair and all of a sudden your Mom walked towards him and squeezed him tightly with the same tender, loving smile on her face.

I can imagine us doing the exact same thing in the far future. I do hope we still have many more (hopefully healthy) years to come. The time we spent apart felt like a hundred years. During those years, time dragged on like a snail. Yet this past one year and almost five months we've spent together in the same apartment feels so short. Time is indeed very relative.

I never thought that the feelings I had for you would stay this strong even until now (even though I can be a hopeless romantic, yet I'm still a realist and I know that feelings fluctuate), but I'm GLAD the fire is still burning brightly inside me. Surely after we started living together, every once in a while we "rub each other's fur the wrong way", but that doesn't mean that I don't want to grow old and keep growing with you. We are stronger when we're together, even though we're capable of living our own lives fully on our own.

I'm GLAD we have saved SO MANY emails and chat files. SO MUCH recorded love. Sometimes we forget the details of our love history, so it's good to be able to reminisce the past. And maybe someday our children and grandchildren want to read them, too.

After we got to know each other better, I knew that you were the one, even though the realist part of me had a hard time believing that, especially before we met in real life. I'm GLAD we found each other and I'm GLAD we persisted in our love despite the odds. I'm GLAD we didn't give up on our love, even though the roads were so rocky for years. I hope we'll always remember the rocky roads so that we don't take what we have for granted...

Remember our second "argument"? I don't even know if argument is the right term, since we talked in a normal tone of voice (well, okay, mostly I was the one doing the talking, trying to get my points across), just like our first "argument". But anyhow, we both knew during both times that the air between us changed, highly charged with tension, not knowing how far it'd be, yet in the end both situations were solved pretty well. I felt understood and at least I feel that I've also given you the chance to speak up (I hope that's what you felt, too).

One thing I gathered from both "arguments" was the confirmation that I've chosen the right guy. You have that sort of calmness that never stirs the storm in me. You've always made it easy for me to get rid of my stubbornness. Had it been someone else that "fought back" defensively, I'd have been more stubborn and I'd have reacted so strongly (even though I hate doing that). But you...you've never made me be the person I hate the most and I THANK YOU for that.

After all this time, despite our differences and the little "spices" in our marriage, you're still my home...my safe haven, my sanctuary...I know that with you, I'm safe and I can be the me I want to be.


Crazily eternally yours,



Your Adoring Wife

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3BT: Random Days

1. My beloved SIL gave me some old clothes that still look SO pretty. THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIL!!! I'm SO blessed HE HE HE HE HE HE...

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2. Hubby woke me up this morning since he didn't hear my mobile ringing. I had forgotten to set the alarm. During our car trip, I turned the alarm off and apparently I had only set it up for Monday, not for Mondays to Fridays. THANK GOD for hubby!!!

3. SHOPPING while there's huge sale everywhere (again BIG THANKS to my SIL for taking me to the cheap places in Pori) and having enough money to buy all the things I want to buy and still save some money in my bank account HE HE HE HE HE...

4. Missing my MIL and FIL. I miss visiting them, even though I haven't been there only for one week. I can't wait for Saturday to comeeeeee!!!

5. A blissful holiday with hubby. PLUS it was VERY unexpected. PLUS we had enough money to do it. Praise the Lord!!! :-))))

6. Hubby's thoughtfulness in going to two Chinese restaurants with me even though I knew he'd prefer going somewhere else. THANK YOU, Bonbonsugarpie!!! ;-D UR DA BEST!!!

7. Loving the way hubby touches me...he's such a TENDER, GENTLE person. I LOVE the way he scratches my back, I LOVE the way he tickles my feet, I LOVE the way he kisses me, I LOVE the way he holds my hand...I LOVE touching him, too, of course he he he...I just wanna embrace this feeling fully 'coz we'll never know how long we're going to live on earth...mmmm...You're SO yummy, my beloved hubby!!!

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8. Knowing that my parents get along VERY well with my bro's wife and their family. On my bro's birthday, they went out together to have dinner somewhere. I can feel relieved, knowing that they're fine and enjoying their time together. No stress whatsoever!!! :-)))) Plus I know that they're healthy, so that's also a HUGE relief!

9. Finding cheap books in two second hand bookstores in Pori. I bought a novel and a Finnish Bible (Lazy Me have yet to read the Bible, but I'm going to force myself to do it bit by bit!!! It's gonna be TOUGH!!!). I wanna thank Frasypoo for giving me this advice to buy a Finnish Bible to help me learn more Finnish.

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10. Being back at home and I truly feel that this is my HOME. :-)))) I know I've felt this way for a long time, but then again it's nice to have this confirmation after leaving this place for a week. ;-D

3BT: October 25, 2007

Today's shopping day for me. Yeah, I splurged a bit but I think I deserve to pamper myself every once in a while. Plus, it's my money anyway and I've been pretty good in budgeting myself lately he he he he he...

1. Bought small gifts for my Finnish teacher (X-mas gift) and a friend of mine who's gonna be helping me. She's coming home to Indo next March, so I'm sending her a few photo CDs and some clothes for my family. YIIPPPIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

2. Bought a pair of new winter trousers for me (€20). They're actually in the boys' section, but I don't care as long as they fit me well and they're not too expensive ha ha ha ha...

3. Found a CUTE Santa statue (for decoration) which cost only €0.40. I almost couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the price, so I grabbed it right away tightly in my arms so that nobody could take it HI HI HI HI HI HI...When I got home, I realized that the old price label was below the new one and it should've cost €1.50. YIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHAAAA!!! I'll take a pic of it later on and post it in another post, OK? ;-D

4. Hubby's home already (napping) 'coz he started the day earlier to go to another town to do some work there. He had to wake up at 5 am this morning. YIKES!!! Poor dear...but I'm glad he can come home earlier. Later on I think we're gonna be watching something together. I LOVE it when we watch movies together 'coz we'd be holding hands throughout the movie even though most of the times our other hands are busy with popcorn or chips or chocolate ha ha ha ha ha...LOVE holding hands with him!!! SO YUMMY!!!! Sometimes when I wanna get up to pee, he wouldn't let me go and I LOVE it, too he he he he...Ahem...Sweet, sweet, sweet!!! ;-D

3BT: August 13, 2007

1. Being missed by one of my cousins whom I haven't met since a few years ago he he he he...

2. My own homemade strawberry bread pudding without following any particular recipe and it turned out good. YUM YUM...

3. Having managed to get rid of my laziness and get my ass off my chair to exercise with Billy Blanks. YEEEEEEE-HAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!! ;-D

4. Remembering my ex home (by writing down the post about security blanket and browsing through some of the old pics I brought to Finland) made me feel warm. ;-D That used to be my home and now my home is here with my hubby. Home sweet home. ;-D

Additions:

5. Stars in the sky. The nights have gotten so dark nowadays (as opposed to Midnight Sun during summer), so we can see the stars clearly. YAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!

6. Holding hands with my hubby while watching movies. MMMMMM...To think that death may come tomorrow to get me, it makes the moments feel MUCH more intense and yummy. ;-D

7. Physical pain. For when we are able to feel physical pain, then we are able to detect early on what's wrong with us.

3BT: June 20, 2007

1. Calling home and talking to Mom. Dad's finally home and Mom'll help him get back on his two feet. Funny thing is that the cane that I bought for Mom when she had trouble with her knee last year is now being used by Dad (thanks to glucosamine, Mom can now walk on her own two feet again).

2. Seeing the squirrel in the tree near our apt. building again. SO CUTE!!!

3. Reading this sentence in one devotional: We must experience our weakness to experience God’s strength.