Wednesday, July 04, 2007

On Trust and Relationship

Inspired by Shan's post entitled Trust, I decided to write this post as it's going to be a long one. I was thinking of the times when someone betrayed my trust, so let me share my experiences here.

First experience I had was when I was in 5th grade. I forgot to do one homework, so I told my best friend at the time about that fact. I was GLAD when the lesson was over and the teacher didn't know about it. However, without my knowledge, that friend actually told the teacher afterwards about it, so she called me and she scolded me in front of the class. I think after that my friendship with her was over.

Second this is going to take a LONG time to explain to make sure you know the details. And hell, I might as well just tell you about my relationship he he he...

Relationship breakdown with my husband:
1999 - We started writing to each other as emailpals.
2000 - We started to get to know each other better (sending more and more emails and SMSes and asking deeper questions about each other). One time we had a record of sending 30 SMSes a day. October that year we became a "cyber couple".
2001 - We broke up. I'll explain it later.
2004 - I visited him in Finland, and we became a "real couple".
2006 - He came to Indonesia for the first time to marry me.

Well, in 2000 I didn't actually want to be a couple even though I knew we were right for each other. Why? Because we hadn't met and we didn't know when we could possibly meet. At the beginning of 2000, he was laid off and after that he started going to courses and getting temporary jobs, but no sign of a permanent job yet. However, he proposed that we should be a "cyber" couple anyway since we weren't thinking of dating anyone else.

During one of his temporary jobs, he had so many female colleagues (he told me all about them and he even sent me pics of them). Then a few months before we broke up, I began to feel that he had moved away from me. His intensity started to dwindle even though we chatted regularly still (twice or thrice a week) and we still sent each other SMS twice a day at least. I just had this gut feeling that told me that something was wrong. Anyway, one time they had a training trip someplace and when he got back home, I knew something was TOTALLY wrong. He sent me an SMS, saying that he'd got home safely and stuff, but his diction was just off. It wasn't his usual SMS.

The next day we chatted and right from the beginning I just knew there would be trouble. He told me that he had kissed one of his colleagues the other night. Nothing else happened. I told him that I appreciated his honesty and that I knew something bad had happened. I poured out EVERYTHING (my anger, disappointment, every single thing) and told him that the relationship was over. I told him that I didn't know when or if I could contact him again. He said he understood. He said that he had indeed moved away from me as he began to feel that I was so imaginary (as we hadn't met still at that time), so when an opportunity came to kiss the other girl, he went for it.

The next day we still wrote a short email to each other. He said that he was so stupid, that he had made the biggest mistake in his life by wondering whether I was real or not. He said that since he had lost me, he began to understood more of my value in his life. He said that he wished we could still be friends again no matter what as he needed me.

So I took time to mourn. And HELL did I mourn!!! My entire world was shattered. Bad old cynicism hit me full force and I was totally drowned in anger and disappointment. I was sour-faced and I cried a while. My poor friends couldn't even comfort me. I don't think it took a long time for me to bounce back, though, since one of my friends was amazed at how fast I recovered. Now I think I know the answers. First of all, I knew what went wrong (I didn't do anything wrong to him), so I didn't have to rethink of what I did wrong. Plus I was relieved 'coz I got a chance to pour out my anger and disappointment to him. Secondly, because of the first reason, I could tell myself, "It's HIS loss and not mine." Thirdly, the only thing I lost was the "us" (the relationship and our mutual dreams). Fourthly, I still had him as my best friend (still do).

Thus I managed to let go of my status as his "cyber girlfriend" and became his best friend again. Sometime around 2002, he had a crush once on another girl and he confided that to me (I insisted on knowing his love life as I wanted him to trust me that much - I'd have been offended if he hadn't told me about it). I was so relieved when I realized that I had no hard feelings towards him when he told me about this. So I suggested to him to tell her how he felt. He did, but the girl didn't reply or anything, so no relationship. So back to us again. We got closer and closer still (chatting regularly, sending SMS twice a day at least) even though we were careful enough not to be a "cyber" couple again.

Fast forward: So in 2004 I visited him. Visiting Europe had always been one of my lifelong dreams, so I thought, "Why not visit him and see how matched we are in real life?" I also have another friend living in Helsinki, so I could visit her, too. When we met for the first time, I just knew he was the one. I had known that all along the years. I just didn't have the proof yet.

How did I know he was the one? Well, when we went to spend the night at his parents' cabin back in 2004, it was dark outside and we lit the fireplace and the oil lamp and we turned on the radio. Mellow songs were serenading us and he was lying his head on my lap facing down, so I couldn't see his face. We were silent for a while, just enjoying each other, then one moment I asked him, "What?"

He turned around and giggled and asked me, "How did you know?"

I replied, "I just felt it. I knew there was something you wanted to tell me. Something on your mind. So?"

He stayed silent for a few seconds (smiling still), gathered up his courage, and then he said, "If the situation is right, will you marry me?"

I smiled back and replied right away, "Yes, I will."

There was a similar situation happening that week, but vice versa. So it was his turn to read my mind. So that's how I knew he was the one. Even with that knowledge, deciding to get married was still scary. It took me months before I finally decided to have a wedding in 2006. I got scared about having to move to Finland, having to start my life all over again, having to lose my job, having to be dependent on him, etc. And since we hadn't really lived close to each other (hadn't really lived together), I was wondering how it would be like. Looking at other people's marriages did scare me, too. However, in the end I thought to myself, "What's the safest bet than to marry your own best friend???"

The road to the wedding wasn't smooth, either. I almost postponed our wedding. Why? Because back then he still hadn't got a permanent job, but he was thinking of opening his own business. He had to loan some money from the bank to do so. However, when the bank investigated the economical situation, they refused to give the loan as they said that the economical situation back then wasn't conducive for that kind of business. We were both devastated.

I told my Mom about the problem. I told her that I actually didn't want to postpone the wedding since I knew it'd take a long time for me to adjust to my new life before I could even think of having a baby. Then she said to me, "Just keep on praying and God'll give him a job. I'm sure of it. Just tell him to come here and go get married. When I got married myself, I wasn't thinking much about money, but blessings always come at the right time." So I told him that. Thus the wedding preparation continued.

Oh yeah, then Mom told me that whenever other people asked about his job, she'd say "computer stuff" just to protect me. I HATE lying, but in this case, I want my family's reputation intact. I knew that my relatives wouldn't understand it if they had known that my future husband hadn't got a permanent job yet. Even my Priest showed some concern about that. I had to follow a premarital counseling before the wedding, and the Priest asked me about his job. When I told him what my Mom said, my Priest told me, "Well, if that's what you believe in, then so be it."

Anyhow, so we got married and it took me 4 months before I could move here (after our wedding). I was FRUSTRATED because I had to wait THAT long. I knew God had His good plans for us, but it was just PURE misery. Now I know why He wanted us to wait that long. I could still work during the 4 months and saved money. What about his job? THANK GOD he's got a permanent one now. Two weeks after I arrived, he started his training in a computer firm (training = working full-time without getting a salary but he still gets his unemployment benefit and if you're lucky then the boss'll offer you a permanent job). Turned out that his boss did offer him a permanent job contract starting last month. HALLELUJAH!!! So now I know more why God separate us THAT long. Thus, when it comes to a relationship, I can say that after living with him for 3,5 months that my decision to marry him was one of the best decisions in my life! ;-D

Now you know how "complicated" our relationship was (yep, right, just like any other relationship HE HE). I'm glad now I can publish this post with a relieved heart, knowing that I don't have to "lie" anymore about my hubby's job. :-D

Back to trust. Conclusion: Trust is fragile. It breaks easily and it's hard to build again. However, sometimes people should be given a second chance. Sometimes the second time around they do the right thing since they know already how painful it is to lose your trust (and lose you).

It feels GOOD when other people trust you MUCH (like my Mom trusted my choice of a husband. She said, "As long as you're happy, go for it!"). Gladly I think I've been pretty safe in "trust" department. None of my close friends has ever betrayed my trust. And other than the incident back in 2001, I've been doing fine with my hubby when it comes to trust.

I agree with what Jeff said when he commented on Shan's post. Let me quote his words:

Trust is like going to the race track and placing your bet. Chances are you are going to lose, but when you win, you really feel good. That good feeling keeps you coming back (that and the innate need for humans to bond and trust each other).

OK, I think I'll stop here. It's sunny again outside, so I might take a walk and soak up the suuuuunnnnn...^_______________________^ Have a NICE day, everybody!!!


  1. Very enlightening Amel... It reminds me of how we lose sight of what a precious thing when we have it and how we chase after something we can't have...

    But I'm very glad you took our your time and made this post. It's this very sharing of experiences that makes my time in the blogsphere worthwhile...

    You are right, people definitely needs a second chance for everything except if they break it again, things fuck up again :P

    I'm just glad since your post shows that there is a second time around and that certainly feels good.

    Thanks Amel!

    P.S. You've been tagged for another 8 things about you ahahah!

  2. Hi, Shan!!!

    Glad you enjoyed the post. I was a tad worried on how other people might take it he he he...Yeah, sometimes I can get paranoid...just a littttlllleee biiittt he he he...

    Oh, one thing, though, if I get betrayed once by someone and then I heard from my TRUSTED friends that they'd been betrayed by the same person, then I don't think I'd give that person a second chance he he he...but basically I'd like to give people a second chance, I think (as usual, it's always easier said than done). ;-D


  3. Wonderful post! Oh my, great talk about trust. It is indeed a hard one, no? And betrayal hits hard, really hard.

    The story about your husband is amazing, and you say you're not strong? Marrying someone in anothr country you met on the internet? omg, that takes a lot of guts.

    And your mom sounds wonderful and supportive :)

    I don't always give second chances anymore, especially if it's someone I was close to. Trust is a tough issue.

  4. Wonderful post Amel, and a very romantic story! I am Sooooooo glad that things are working out for you, 'cause I know how difficult moving to another continent can be (and I was simply a bachelor)! Happy for you girl!

  5. Hi, Vic!!!

    Now I think I know why I never thought of myself as a strong person. It's because compared to my Mom, I'm not as strong as she is. She's a REAL Wonder Woman in my eyes he he he...She has her faults, too, but her strength is AWESOME (I even think she's WAY stronger than my Dad). Maybe I'll write more about her in other posts and you'll know how strong she is.

    I understand that you don't give other people a second chance anymore, Vic. Betrayal IS really painful. YIKES! No more, please he he he...

    Epi: THANKS. :-D I'm glad myself that it's been working out better than I thought. FAR better. :-)))

  6. Amel, that was a wonderful story about developing your relationship with your husband. You give me hope! I've been divorced twice and sometimes I feel I wasn't meant to be with someone. This is something I journal about. But deep friendship is always possible. I know it. Thanks for the reminder.

    When I think about it, trust is as big and mysterious as love. The words seem almost interchangeable. How much do I really trust/love someone? Can I trust/love again after being hurt? Why does it take so long to build trust/love, and only a minute to destroy?

    Then again, the words are different in a major way. We can choose to love at the same time know that we cannot fully trust someone. I just watched "A Beautiful Mind" last night, a true story. John Nash's wife had little reason to trust her husband. He couldn't even trust himself and he knew it. Yet she chose to love him through it all. She believed in him and it was by her love he conquered his illness.

    So what are these words, love and trust, really expressing? Perhaps they are not interchangeable after all. We can choose to love when we do not trust. But, can we trust more than we love? (We can assume others will do their best to obey traffic signals, but do we really trust them with our lives?) Perhaps love is something you give and trust, on the other hand, is something we're afraid to lose. When we tell people we trust them, perhaps we're really saying we're not afraid they will hurt us.

    "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)

  7. I also LOVE "Beautiful Mind". VERY enlightening!!!

    Interesting thoughts, Dwight!!! Indeed it may be true what you said: "When we tell people we trust them, perhaps we're really saying we're not afraid they will hurt us."

    Or you just believe that if and when they hurt you, you'll be able to heal later on. Or you believe that if and when you two hurt each other, you'll be able to forgive each other and yourself and stay together and perhaps become stronger together.

  8. Wow, very interesting post. I love it when you quote genius other bloggers, too. ;)

  9. Hi, Jeff!!!

    THX for dropping by. Yeah, there are lots of genius bloggers out there indeed. LOL!!! UR FUNNY! ;-D

  10. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Very sad the way things worked out.

  11. THX for dropping by, Lori! :-)))

  12. Helllooo Amel,
    I googled 'now you know amel' looking for the amel larrieux song 'now you know better'( I found it on YT, take a listen it is beautiful, kinda of goes with your post) & google gave me your 4 july post/blog on cyberlove. A very intersting story. I'm glad it all worked out. AS you/he have been thru troubles & triumphs b4 & are already reading 1 another's minds, I have faith your relationship WILL last. [All the best! :0)

  13. Ooops, I 4got the links:
    Now You KNow Better by Mondo Grosso f Amel Larrieux, from album MG4, Japanese release

    Def share them w. your other half, U'm sure you both will enjoy the song. Let me know lilkunta at excite dot com.

  14. THX for leaving comments, lilkunta and THANKS for your kind words. ;-D

    I'll surely look up the songs soon. THANKS for sharing! ;-D

  15. How did I miss this one?

    It made me cry a bit.

    Thank you for sharing your story. In so many ways it "echoes" my story too. We never had the other person problem, but we did have the money-job issues! I'll have to tell you our story. ;-)

  16. @Michelle: I'd REALLY love to hear your storyyyyyyy. :-D Yeah, it's hard to be apart and then there's money-job issues along the way.

  17. Amel
    I'm writing it out slowly (lol) I'll email you the results when it's done. ;-)

  18. OWWWW...NO NEED to rush, M! :-D (((HUGS)))