These days I'm on fragile ground again. I didn't even realize how fragile it was until one of my best friends made me realize it accidentally. As one of the main things in life is to find life's purposes...to feel that your existence has value...so the sense of self-value is, in a way, fragile.
Upon moving to Finland, I have had to learn to be like a kid again. Learning Finnish in the full-time course made me temporarily forget how fragile my sense of value was, since I felt that I had done pretty well in that department.
Reality check came loud and hard when it was time for me to do my trainings. Even though my Finnish is MUCH better than last year, but still doing something totally new that involves speaking (giving proper information) and listening in Finnish is altogether different from learning Finnish in a classroom.
These two types of trainings have shaken my sense of value (well, this training does that more than the first one). I've never had any work experiences in these two types of training places, so I really have to learn everything from zero. I feel incompetent and useless from time to time and as you know, that's not one of the best feelings in the world.
Every day I have to hold on to thin threads of "glories" whenever I feel that I've done just ONE thing right, whenever I feel that I've done just ONE thing well enough. I have to learn to hold on to those moments and let go of all those "failures" (and I have to keep on kicking their asses whenever they want to show up their faces again he he). Otherwise I'd want to crumble and not even try to do my best.
I talked about this with my best friends and their responses really encouraged me. I feel that I'm not so alone anymore, since they've also experienced the same thing, not only once, but over and over and over again. :-))))
Now I've set up my mind to learn to walk like a small kid...taking small, somewhat agitated, fearful, doubtful steps, hoping that someday I can walk as well as the "adults" and then over time I can learn to run...and run fast!!! Boy, it must be GOOD to feel the wind in my face then...but I must be patient and HOPEFUL.
I'm again learning to embrace myself every single day and tell myself that I'm okay even though I make mistakes, even though I'm not THAT good yet, but I'm going to do MY BEST with whatever I can do well (even if it means I'm only good at cleaning shelves or mopping the floor!). I'm NOT going to let myself be stuck in a rut. Even if it's only a millimeter away, I should count that as an improvement and I should try to get there with all my might. I'm trying to learn to walk with enthusiasm even when I stumble here and there, not with discouragement. The journey's gonna be rough, but this is what it means to grow. This is the price I have to pay for moving to Finland. :-)))
I don't know yet what I want to do in the future (job-wise), but I know that I'm in VERY GOOD HANDS. After all, I've got everything I need (and MUCH MORE) ever since I moved to Finland: all those MIRACLES and open doors of opportunities. :-)))))
In the meantime, all I can do is just keep on learning, keep on "stretching" as best as I can, keep on doing the best that I can with what I can give, know that it is enough, and wait for His open doors...