Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Home, Ex-Home, Future Home?

Chocolate Girl (Livingsword's wife) wants to know how I felt when coming back to Finland after our trip to Indonesia and how I feel about all the snow here.

Well, to be honest, I was HOPING that I'd get to see snow already when I landed in Rovaniemi airport. Why? Because I knew that it would be dark most of the time already and it's only going to get darker and darker (nowadays the sun rises around 8.30 am and sets around 3.15 pm so we have only around 6 hours and 40 minutes of sunshine per day, provided that the sun is shining and it's not cloudy), so having snow around would help A LOT. Thank GOD snow started to fall the day after we arrived in Finland and it kept on snowing and it didn't melt and turn to ice. I have no problem with snow, but I'm VERY afraid of icy snow!

It felt slightly weird coming back to Lapland from a tropical country, since I was used to three weeks of sunshine and heat, but it felt GOOD to be home, to have our own privacy, to be able to do anything we want without having to think of planning our schedule to meet these relatives and those friends, buying these and those, etc.

Home...mentally I've named Indonesia as my ex-home. I LOVE Indonesia, but right now my home is where R2 is. I've learnt to love Finland, but if for example God takes him away now when we have no kids and I don't know yet what kind of job I want to do here, maybe I'll go back to Indonesia since I've got family and friends there and I know what kind of job I want to do and can do there.

Life is unpredictable and I don't want to be too hard-headed in anything. There's no guarantee yet that Finland will be my home forever, but of course everything changes if there are kids already. I'd want to be there for them, at least until they're grown up and they're ready to be on their own.

Yep, these are just my ramblings about hypothetical situations. I sure hope that God gives us PLENTY more healthy years to come, especially since I haven't lived long enough with R2 in the same country or house.

All in all, I'm not missing Indonesia, except my family and friends and the glorious food. I started crying the day I was supposed to leave Bandung by bus to go to Cengkareng airport since my SIL called me from the hospital to say goodbye. She thanked me for everything and she said sorry for not being able to escort me. I started choking and I couldn't say the words I wanted to say to her for fear of crying so loudly on the phone. I didn't want to make her feel sad.

My brother managed to meet us at the mall where the bus station was to hug me goodbye. My uncle took us there since my parents have no car now, so in the car there were my uncle, my Mom, me, R2, and my Mom's elder sister. My uncle said to my Mom's elder sister that they'd better escort my Mom for fear that she'd cry. One close friend of mine also escorted me there.

When we started hugging one by one, I almost couldn't stop my tears from falling...while waiting for the bus, my SIL called again to say goodbye and I felt choked again. When I got on the bus and sat down, I started crying, though I tried to control myself so that I wouldn't sob loudly. R2 gazed into my eyes and he rubbed my arm and pat my hand. It was impossible for him to hold me due to the seats and the fact that we have backpacks right between our legs, so that was all that he could do.

After I could control myself a bit, I stood up from inside the bus to give them one last wave of goodbye...I feel SO whole trip in Indonesia was showered with LOVE...I'm GRATEFUL to God who've given me SO MANY loving, caring, attentive, and understanding people. I'm GRATEFUL for my relatives who care SO much for my Mom that they're always trying to make things easier for her. I LOVE THEM ALL!!!!

OK, let me stop here as I'm getting more and more emotional...

Home...let's just see where God takes me to...I'll do my best to make the most of everything He's entrusted to me this moment...


  1. WONDERFUL post. But I am start crying also when I read ur post. know what happened to us today and also read your post remember my time when I was at soekarno hatta with my family. I can not stop crying also.

  2. Understood and felt completely. It's very hard to leave parts of your heart all over the planet.

    (((BIG HUGS))) for both you and Juliana

  3. Jul: Yeah, I know it's tough. :-((( Meeting them is GREAT, but when it's time to sucks. :-((((

    Michelle: THANKSSSSSSS for the HUGS, M!!! :-)))) Yep, it's very hard but for every choice we make, there're always prices we have to pay. :-))))

  4. I think home can be anywhere where the people you care about are... it's as simple as that :)

  5. Oh Amel you know I too understand. My family is all right here in the same country but America is very big.

    And I only get to see my children and grandchildren once a year if I am lucky.

    and they always want me to cook all of their favorite foods too.

    It's so hard to know that my grandchildren are growing up so far away fro me.

    But, god has taken them all down different paths and they are successful and happy.

    So I try to always remind myself this; they have their own wings and they are flying. So that means that I did a good job at raising them.

    but, still I too cry many times to my W about it. It is a very hard thing to do alright.

    Big hugs for you sweety!!:-)))

  6. home is where you hang your hat amel, remember that no matter where it may be . I am happy for you to be able to see family and friends.and just remember just cause hubby from colder climate he probably saying "damn its cold to" lol

  7. Yah, your post makes me feel emotional too. I think home is where the loved ones are and sometimes like your case, when the loved ones are here and there, you just have to choose. When you're married, your spouse and kids are your family and that's the first priority.

  8. I felt emotional reading your post... esp the last part where you waved goodbye to your family & relatives. I could imagine how much you missed your hometown. *hugs* :):)

    Did I ever tell you that Finland used to be my dream country to visit. The snowy scenes filled my mind when I'm a kid. This is bcos my sister used to have a penfriend from Finland & she used to tell us how nice the country :):)

  9. Bitter Chocolate: Yes, I agree with you, but it's kinda hard when your loved ones are all over the planet he he...

    Shinade: It's always SO hard to say goodbye, eh? BIG HUGS back to you too! ;-D

    Coltfan: THANKS, Randy, for your kind words. :-))))

    Blur Ting: Yep, first things first indeed. Gotta live with the prices I have to pay for every action I take. :-)))

    Janice: HUGS back. THANKS for your support!!!

    Interesting to know that Finland used to be your dream country to visit. So now not anymore? HE HE HE...

  10. Remember the saying Home is the heart is. No matter what country. Great post It made e want to cry with you.

  11. Dawn: Yeah, THANKS for the support! ;-D

  12. Hi Amel,

    Such a moving post! It reminded me the ones you used to write in the very beginning of "Amel's realm", do you remember :)?

    I understand you fully, I mean, I know what you felt when you went back to Indo, when you came back to Finland...I am familiar with the internal struggle!

    Every time I went to Africa, and then I had to come back to Europe I also cried (and I went and came back a lot of times, but I always end up by crying): I can't explain the feeling.

    You have a wonderful family, you are a blessed woman, and soon you will build your own family with are extremely loved *hug*!

    You know I how much I love, and I wish you nothing but the best and loads of love :D!


  13. Max: Yeah, I know you'd understand. The feeling is inexplicable, I guess. You just have to experience it yourself to understand.

    I'm happy here, but saying goodbye is just not fun he he he...

    HUG back, Maxine darling...THANK YOU...for everything!!!!!

  14. Oh, Amel, this post is so touching, makes me feel emotional. I haven't been living far away from my family, but my other siblings, yes. Everyone of us will cry when it's time to say goodbye. When my sis and I exchanged hugs, I would say, 'don't cry, don't make me cry', but in the end, we'd end up wiping our teary eyes. Cheers! *Hugs*

  15. Oh Amel.. very emotional indeed.. I felt choked just reading it.. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.

    Ive tried the 'I will not cry' and cried aftewards out of view, and the 'I am just going to go with it and going to sob my heart out' approach and neither help much..I still felt sad.. but both are a release.

    Emotions are emotions and leaving again is a hard cut that runs deep...

    I know you all are much loved.. and that's just great!

  16. CMG: Yeah, I remember your sis living in Italy. It's not easy not to cry he he he he he...HUGS back!!!

    Mrs Arctic Rainbow: Yeah, I think it's just better to cry it out rather than holding it back he he he...

    THANKS for the support, though! I know you'd understand, too. ;-D