Then a few nights ago I told my hubby that I was actually scared of having kids. I was scared 'coz I knew everything'd change tremendously. However, I said that I didn't want to wait too long since we wouldn't know how fast God would bestow us with a kid after we decided that we would try to have one anyway, right? He said he understood. Then I said to him that I was SO curious about what our kid would look like. He said he felt the same way. The short conversation made me feel GLAD. I'm glad knowing that he's probably ready in 2-3 years. I want him to be ready before I'm ready to have kids. I want us to work as a team when the kid arrives. I want him to be ready to face massive changes in our life.
Speaking of kids, I'm actually awed since I DO feel the longing to have kids right now. I used to be a tomboy when I was a kid. There was a time when I hated being a girl. Why? Because I knew girls could get raped and pregnant due to being raped. Thus I hated being a girl. It might sound silly, but that was what I felt back then.
I was one of those girls who "blossomed" late. I never felt too feminine. I hated wearing frilly dresses. I hated wearing a skirt. I hated the fact that I got my period early (at least it was considered early for my generation). I got my first period when I was around 10 years old. When all the other girls and boys could run and play freely, I had to use that thick, uncomfy, not-too-absorbent sanitary napkin. And back then I bled A LOT. I mean REALLY A LOT!!! I had trouble with it until High School (big and huge blood stains on the back of my uniform). Gladly the amount of blood's reduced A LOT over the years and nowadays there are SO MANY thin, super absorbent, comfy, winged sanitary napkins. HURRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Anyways, when I was in Elementary School, my Dad started the talk about "the most suitable age for girls to have kids". He thought that 25 was the ideal age to have kids. I've always been a rebellious person, so even then I countered him by saying, "I'll NEVER get married!" I remember my Dad panicking a bit, trying to tell me not to say such a thing HI HI HI...Yep, that's me!!! LOL!!!
Besides being tomboyish, among my close friends, I was the awkward one when it comes to being with kids. Most of them are so natural when they are around kids. So there was a time when I wondered if I would ever want to have kids. The answer came when one of my best friends got pregnant. She lived in Bandung, as well, so we kept on meeting each other almost every week or every second week. I was there during her pregnancy and when the baby was born, I visited her at the hospital with my Mom. That was the FIRST time in my life I felt something stirring inside me. Something akin to motherly instinct perhaps. It was the first time I wanted to have my own baby. It was one of those magical moments in my life when I felt SO feminine.
My other friends had had babies before that, but they never really made me want to have one. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I was there with that particular friend during her pregnancy (I saw all the USG pics and I could even touch her belly) or maybe it was just time for me to feel that instinct. I was simply speechless. It was MIRACULOUS!!! I still don't believe that the boy's now almost 2 years old and that he used to be as small as a peanut!!! Isn't it amazing?
Another thing that I've been worried about when it comes to having kids is how to teach them morality, religion, and all the good things in life. Seeing the state of the world today sometimes makes me feel scared of having kids. How do I know that I will raise good kids? How can I protect them from bad influences? How do I know how to set the limits for them?
Today I browsed through blogs and I found the answer that made me relieved. Jana from The Joy Box quoted her friend's words when she shared her worries about her daughter in her post entitled "Clay Under His Fingernails". Here's what God whispered to her:
"The clay of your daughter's being is under My fingernails. Love her as though you believe that and, in time, I will convince her of it. The world is groaning in pain. I plan on loving it, and I plan to do it in part through your daughter. I want you to take her out there, and introduce her to it. She's going to see and hear things that will break your mother's heart. And she's going to get hurt. But I'm preparing her for it now and I'm using you to help me. I can provide her with all the protection that is necessary when it's truly important (those times when you can't be there to do it), and wipe her tears better than you can. If I can use her for my purposes, I will bless her with joy that you cannot imagine. Are you going to trust Me?" (Kim in MO)
I sure do hope that one day God'll entrust me with my own kid or kids. When it comes to being a woman, now I'm GLAD I'm a woman since there's NO better feeling in the whole wide world when my man, lover, soulmate looks into my eye and tell me, "I love you. You're the best. You make me a better man." There's no better feeling than being a woman who's loved for who she is. Thus now I embrace my womanhood.
I LOVE BEING A WOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!
Ehem, OK, end of post before I get too excited. ;-D