Thursday, June 21, 2007

Another older post: Intimacy

Written on Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Intimacy. The very thing people yearn for in life is the very thing that causes people to hide. Why so? I don't understand. I actually DO understand why, but why does it have to be that way? Afraid of rejection, afraid of making other people worried, shame, afraid of other people's reactions, the need to have the mysterious allure to capture other people's attention? It's ironic. In relationships, it becomes a death trap. When you hide something from your partner, it affects the dynamics of your relationship with your partner. He/she might not feel that there's something wrong, especially if you hide it really well, but deep inside you know that your interaction with him/her is untruthful, masked, distorted. The distortion may be even worse when you continue doing it and when the issue branches into bigger half-truths or even more lies. It's almost the same like digging your own grave. It will get harder and harder for your partner to trace back to the original problem that makes you do such a thing in the first place. And it will get harder and harder even for you to start explaining why and when and how and where. Thus a rift is built bit by bit and it can separate them emotionally apart as though they're geographically thousands of miles apart.

It's frustrating to see how some people don't try hard to make their spouses as their best friend. Instead, they only become the 'wife' or the 'husband'. Especially in this Asian world that I inhabit. I don't know yet if it's the same case in the Western world, but here I see too many couples afraid or reluctant to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. They sure talk about practical matters, but what about their feelings? REAL feelings. Not just outburst of anger masking their fear, but their REAL fear. Not just outburst of anger masking their shame, but their REAL shame. Not just outburst of anger masking their disappointment/sadness/shame/sorrow, but the REAL emotion. Not just outburst of other emotions masking something else, but the REAL thing.

Why is it so hard to be truthful to the very person you love that has proclaimed his/her love to you? Oh, I know why, but why does it have to be that hard? Why do people create their own problems by making it hard to be truthful? Of course we want to avoid making our partners too worried, but isn't that the risk that they should bear when they vow their loyalty to us? And it's not like we will make them very worried deliberately, anyway. Shouldn't a relationship mean sharing happiness (thus doubling it) and burdens (thus halvening it)? If we really don't want to make other people worried and if we really don't wanna share our shame with them, we better just live alone, then. Then we'd be 'free' to hide everything and anything from anyone.

Shared burdens should ideally create more intimacy. Shared 'skeletons in the closet' should also ideally have the same effect. Of course you can't expect everybody to react the same, but if it's somebody you love and somebody who's vowed his/her love to you in front of God, then you SHOULD expect THAT at least. Why is it so hard to be truthful to someone who's vowed his/her love to you in front of God? Why do some people like to bear the burden themselves, thus creating a distortion in the dynamics of the relationship, even without their spouses' knowledge, yet still creating a distortion? What good is a distortion for you? Why do some people feel so reluctant to explain their feelings and thoughts? Maybe because we're mostly not born as good listeners, but wonderful talkers? Maybe so. Maybe people are afraid of not being heard and they're afraid of being misunderstood. Maybe so. Such a shame, though! Such a shame!

But why can't they try to make the other person understand? Why don't they try to make the other person understand? Sure it takes effort and courage and energy, but it IS worth it. Trust me, it IS! Maybe some people have a hard time understanding their own emotional ups and downs so that they don't even have a chance to share their feelings/thoughts with their loved ones. Then they should spend time and energy to dig deeply into themselves and get to know themselves better, THEN share who they really are with their loved ones, because it IS worth it. Of course we can't make someone else love us, but for those who really love us, when we show them our true colours and feelings and thoughts, that'll make it easier for them to love us even more deeply.

Don't be too caught up with life's tide that you forget to build intimacy with your loved ones OR even yourself!

Remember this:

A Present Day Truth (got it years ago from a forwarded email) --- oh now I know who wrote the original one: Dr. Bob Moorehead. For further info, go here: Paradox.

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less;
we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time;
we have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgement;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;
we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
more leisure, but less fun;
more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, and more divorce;
of fancier houses, but broken homes.

It is a time when there is too much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom;
a time when technology can bring you this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference or just hit delete."

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