Sunday, June 03, 2007

What Would You Do?

As another follow-up to the "incident" with my close-knit group of friends that I mentioned in a previous post, I'm now confused to the bones.

I truly want to continue our friendship, but I know I need time to heal first. We've been sharing our innermost feelings to one another and I've found out some disturbing facts. As I'm an intense person and I'm a bit of a loner, I've "chosen" them to be my my "special people". Therefore, I've always leaned on them and I've always enjoyed if it they lean on me. Naturally it's MUCH easier for me to give myself to them and to focus on them as I have less people in my life.

However, now I've found out the other edge of my choice. In choosing them as my "special people", I've burdened them with my expectations. Now they're busier than ever before, so they just can't keep up with my emails anymore. They don't even have too much time writing about their lives anymore! What started as a fun and intimate exchange became a burden.

So, my question is: how can I continue my friendship with them when I know that what I've done has been a burden to them? Besides, I know I've hurt them in some points, too. How can I go back to them, knowing that I'd hurt them in the process? What kind of person am I if I do that? On the other hand, I TRULY love them and our friendship. I don't know yet if I can reduce my intensity to them without keeping them at arm's length (read: erasing them from my "special people" list).

It's been a rollercoaster ride so far. I ENJOY my new life here, but I have this bad feeling that I will not be able to be myself if I keep on this friendship. I HOPE I CAN do it, though. I just don't know. It feels as though my friendship world is broken into pieces now. I don't want to keep potential friends or old friends at arm's length, but knowing my intensity (and the fact that I have MUCH more time in the world than regular people), I'm afraid I'll only end up breaking hearts and burdening people.

That's one reason I like blogging. I can't expect anyone to read my posts, but I also get the relief after writing down my thoughts and feelings candidly. If someone does comment on my posts, it makes me even happier because I know the person is really interested in reading my posts. I think without this "outlet", I'd go mad in no time. ;-)


  1. wow, you are intense but that's whats best about reading these blogs, they allow your readers to understand your innermost thoughts and for me, I can develop a connection.

    you've said alot of stuff in your post but it seems to boil down to whether they are your special friends. if you consider them so, then they must consider you as well in a way. if they care about you, i am sure they don't mind the burden - i would not.

    if you have hurt them, why don't you just address the issues with them and see what they feel? i feel that's better than an indirect method.

    i know it may be difficult to reduce your intensity; a person's nature is very hard to change so i guess finding some other kind of outlet for your energy can help like blogging.

    i guess it's important to remember friends are for life and good friends will stay true to each other. a test in the truth is better than living a lie.

    time is the best healer, it will resolve many issues.

    p.s. i feel pretty much the same way with blogging haha, good way to release some pent up energy and kill some time.


  2. THX for reading and commenting. :-))) Yeah, I know it goes both ways but I think nowadays they're at this stage of life where they don't need additional burden.

    The thing is, we've talked about the basics already (my feelings and their feelings). They understand what I'm feeling and I understand what they're feeling. I don't want them to change and they want me to be me. I don't want to talk about too many details with them as they're only MY feelings and I'm afraid in the end it'd hurt them even more --- so there's no use talking about details too much no matter how much I love talking about details.

    Plus, they've already told me that right now they can't give more than they can give me. They daren't promise to give me more as their lives have become so busy anyway (if they spend more time to give to me, they'll feel guilty for "neglecting" other stuff/people, thus in the end they can be cynical over me just because of the fact that my emails exist and because of the fact that they know I need their replies).

    They've also told me that just reading my emails has slowly begun to be a burden. Not to mention replying them. Not to mention the MANY things they want to talk about in their own emails. But they wish me luck in finding my way: either in giving without asking for anything or any other way out.

    So, the only one who needs to change is me. I still wonder if I'll ever be able to change (just as you said, it's difficult to change a person's nature). I believe I'm born this way for a purpose and I KNOW I choose to be this way for a purpose.

    They have told me to divide my intensity, but in a way it made me feel rejected (because I felt that they felt a relief when I had divided my intensity and that it wasn't something I expected from them). I know it's a silly feeling but I can't help it. But I'm learning to let go of all the bad feelings whenever they come (they still come and go).

    I have to admit that there were times when I was burnt out, I just felt like wanting a revenge (meaning I wanted to disappear or be SO busy for sometime till they missed me again). I'm not proud of feeling revengeful, but I don't wanna deny it, either. It's just something I have to deal with.

    Anyway, the bottom line is that friendship should be about doubling joy and halvening burdens/problems, not the other way around, right? Right now I just can't be normal to them yet.

    One thing about me you should know as order to find my way out, usually I have to think about worst case scenarios. So I've been trying to find a way where I can begin to feel that I don't need them. So far it's the only way I can think of that will enable me not to hold them too tightly and continue our friendship. But how I'm going to achieve it is a different question he he...Haven't succeeded yet. I guess it's not easy to achieve after having been BEST friends with them for 11-15 years.

    Yeah, I also hope time'll heal me and God'll guide me to help find my balance. :-)))

    OK, enough babbling he he...

    P.S. Yep, I've been browsing other people's blogs and they keep on saying how great it feels to blog (release pent-up energy and emotion).

  3. you know, you're so like me, just more intense so i guess that is why i can grasp your feelings.

    why don't you do the following test:

    it identifies the kind of temperament you have, somewhat amusing :)

    but you're right, you need to change and that will take time. just find some other exercise - try jogging along the beach or taking up a sport where you can socialise.

    p.s. if you have MSN Messenger, add me to

  4. Ayayay...nice to find another kindred spirit. :))))

    I did the test already. When I first came here, I did lots of personality tests.

    I'll just write you to your mailbox then rather than here. :-)))

  5. Hi Amel

    Your story reminded me of something I'd forgotten. When I first told my friends I was marrying somone on the other side of the world my one friend was horrified. We ended up having a huge fight and we both said some hurtful things.

    I thought it was the end of our friendship, but a year later we made contact. She got to meet my new husband. :-) It was a bit trnse, we never mentioned the past fight, but it was okey. We got through it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is leave things alone. If they are capable of healing - they will.

    Ha! My dad loves to use the "worst case scenario" too. Me, I prefer the "Let's wait and see what happens" approach. :-)

  6. Hi, M!!!

    Glad you could rekindle your friendship with your friend. I used to have one of them objecting over my choice of husband, but now not anymore. :-)))) The complications of life he he he...I guess life won't be fun without them. LOL!!!

    Yeah, I'm feeling more refreshed now after "letting them go" in the back of my mind. Maybe I still need to do it a few more times (my hand keeps on trying to grasp them back again tightly) but I can feel that the intensity's dwindling bit by bit. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! ^_______________________________^

    Every day is a new day and it gets better, so I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE my life no matter what he he he...