As another follow-up to the "incident" with my close-knit group of friends that I mentioned in a previous post, I'm now confused to the bones.
I truly want to continue our friendship, but I know I need time to heal first. We've been sharing our innermost feelings to one another and I've found out some disturbing facts. As I'm an intense person and I'm a bit of a loner, I've "chosen" them to be my my "special people". Therefore, I've always leaned on them and I've always enjoyed if it they lean on me. Naturally it's MUCH easier for me to give myself to them and to focus on them as I have less people in my life.
However, now I've found out the other edge of my choice. In choosing them as my "special people", I've burdened them with my expectations. Now they're busier than ever before, so they just can't keep up with my emails anymore. They don't even have too much time writing about their lives anymore! What started as a fun and intimate exchange became a burden.
So, my question is: how can I continue my friendship with them when I know that what I've done has been a burden to them? Besides, I know I've hurt them in some points, too. How can I go back to them, knowing that I'd hurt them in the process? What kind of person am I if I do that? On the other hand, I TRULY love them and our friendship. I don't know yet if I can reduce my intensity to them without keeping them at arm's length (read: erasing them from my "special people" list).
It's been a rollercoaster ride so far. I ENJOY my new life here, but I have this bad feeling that I will not be able to be myself if I keep on this friendship. I HOPE I CAN do it, though. I just don't know. It feels as though my friendship world is broken into pieces now. I don't want to keep potential friends or old friends at arm's length, but knowing my intensity (and the fact that I have MUCH more time in the world than regular people), I'm afraid I'll only end up breaking hearts and burdening people.
That's one reason I like blogging. I can't expect anyone to read my posts, but I also get the relief after writing down my thoughts and feelings candidly. If someone does comment on my posts, it makes me even happier because I know the person is really interested in reading my posts. I think without this "outlet", I'd go mad in no time. ;-)